


Red Desire | Kylo Ren x Reader

by lifeofsith



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Blood and Violence, Daddy Kink, Dirty Talk, Fluff and Smut, Light Dom/sub, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Smut, Star Wars References, Verbal Abuse, Verbal Humiliation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:59:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 38
Words: 155,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24464581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lifeofsith/pseuds/lifeofsith
Summary: You've been working on Starkiller base for over two years as a medic. You're hopelessly in love with one of your coworkers who happens to be dating your sister. If that wasn't stressful enough, now Commander Kylo Ren has crept into your life and is already causing you trouble. How will you deal with the stress of your overbearing sister, your infatuation with her boyfriend, and your demanding Commander?I hope you enjoy it! (:
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Original Female Character(s), Kylo Ren & Reader, Kylo Ren & You, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Comments: 92
Kudos: 279





	1. Free Show

The thick blankets covering your body were warm as you laid hiding under them. God, why was it so freaking cold all the time? You huffed a sigh of frustration as you slid further beneath them and squeezed your eyes shut.

Skipping eating before work again was not ideal but the bed was just too nice to get out of. You rolled over to squint at the alarm clock on your bedside table. It read 22:30 and you shut your eyes again in dread. 

Whining, you kicked off the sheets, rolled out of bed, and immediately began to shiver. Walking over to the dresser in the corner of the room, you numbly started opening the top drawer.

Most people on base took hot showers to help bring some heat back into their bodies after they woke up. But they had always just made you sleepier, so you just grumbled through the pain of the frozen air. Sliding off your poor excuse for pajamas, you tossed them onto your unmade bed. 

Looking back at the contents of the drawer, you sighed as you pulled out your light grey scrubs. Your cold fingers hooked on your bra and while shivering you yanked the ugly white long sleeve thermal over your head.

There was a knock at your door, and you whipped your head around. 

Who would be visiting you right now? 

It was bedtime for most people! Max was probably getting ready for his shift last minute like you, so it couldn't be him.

Another knock and you fumbled to grab your pants. Before you could slide them on the hatch flew open. A head full of blonde hair wrapped around the corner and smirked at you before walking through the doorway.

The figure smiled a bright-toothed smile and chuckled as she crossed her arms across her chest.

"Oh geez, didn't know I was getting a free show today!" she said with a laugh as she looked at you up and down. "Damn did you lose weight?"

You shook your head as you reached for your pants again.

"Well, maybe you should try to lose some..." she said looking at your body again with a disapproving face.

She really did always have a way of making you feel like shit. She had always been small and thin without any diet and exercise. On top of that, she had long hair that naturally looked perfect and she was just overall better at everything. It was wicked frustrating. You looked nothing like her, well except for your same height.

You grimaced a smile as you pulled the drawstring pants over your knees.

A fake laugh escaped your lips as you said, "Well no one could ever look as good as you Kor." 

You turned around towards the dresser again as you grabbed your scrub top.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kori asked pouting as she walked over to you with her arms still crossed.

You didn't say anything as you pulled the thin fabric shirt over your long sleeve. Tucking the shirt into your scrub bottoms you swallowed and smiled as you said, "Nothing, you know I'm just messing with you."

Kori rolled her eyes and walked over to your bed and flopped down on her back. Her crisp black uniform creased as her body crushed its stiff folds. She propped her body up with her forearms and looked at you.

"Hey, when is your next shift change? Damon and I want to have another game night."

You leaned over the dresser and to get your red sigil armband and started to slip it over your left arm. You turned around and shrugged your shoulders. Both Kori and her boyfriend Damon worked second shift on base and you only really saw them when there were shift change days.

The work shifts were split into three sections on the base and you currently were stuck on the overnight shift. Every other month, you were able to request a change in shifts. Your best friend Max was also working the overnight shift, so you didn't mind it too much.

"Uh, I'm not sure. Max and I were planning on staying on the overnight shift for a while. There's less traffic around, less interactions and stuff. Which is ideal for us introverted people," you said with another fake little laugh. Wow, today was going to be a long one.

You walked over towards the hatch to grab your shoes. Balancing on one foot, you slid one shoe on and did the same for the other. You turned to look at Kori as she leaned against the bed and she slowly sat up looking at you with sad pouting eyes.

"I never see you anymore. I feel like you're avoiding me," she said in a glum voice while emphasizing the 'avoiding' in her words.

Feeling the guilt, you walked over and plopped down on the bed next to her and wrapped your arm around her shoulders.

"Kor, I'm not avoiding you. I'm just really tired after my shifts, that's all." 

Hoping she wouldn't sense your fake excuse, you pulled her in closer to you. She smiled and leaned her head on your shoulder.

There was knock on the door and you both lifted your heads to look towards it. The hatch flew open and a tall figure walked through. Fresh from the medbay, with his dark gray scrubs on, was Damon with a big smile on his face.

"Well, there are my favorite girls!"

He walked over to the bed and flopped down next to you laying down on his back. The bed sunk under his weight as the side of his body was touching yours and you felt your face blush. Hoping neither of them noticed, you glanced at the clock again, it read 22:50. Shit. You jumped off the bed and grabbed your datapad and looked back at the couple.

"Okay this has been a great lil reunion, but I gotta get to my shift. I start at 23:00"

Sensing the panic in your voice, both Damon and Kori slid off the bed reluctantly and headed towards the hatch door.

"Okay, well can you be less of a stranger?" Kori asked staring at you. You nodded without looking at her and quickly walked into the hallway.

"Alright kiddo, we'll see ya later okay?" Damon said putting a hand on your shoulder.

You tried to hide your blushing face again and put on a fake reassuring smile. Waving goodbye to them, you turned around and headed towards the medbay. You could hear them already giggling about something as they walked away in the opposite direction.

Continuing to your brisk walk to the bay you sighed and fanned at your rosy cheeks. Had Damon gotten more attractive in the last couple of weeks? 

Dammit. It's not fair that some people can look like that. 

Maybe he had gotten a haircut? 

You shook your head and tried to forget about it as you walked into the bay.


	2. Coward

The medbay smelt like bleach as you quickly pushed open the double doors. You had arrived just barely on time, yet again. An assistant was working the front desk and you smiled at them as you walked around the desk towards the back. You set your datapad down next to the coffee machine with a sigh of relief and hit the brew button.

Your stomach grumbled as you waited for the coffee to begin its drip into your favorite mug. Ignoring your stomach, you picked up the datapad again to look up any incoming appointments for the night. As usual, there was no one scheduled to come in. That was the great thing about working night shift.

Most nights you were just on rounds checking on the patients that had come in during the day. You switched out fluid bags, checked on wounds and changed the bandaging, and gave out pain killers. The patients slept through most of your shift, which made it a pretty quiet time.

Every now and then stormtroopers would come back from a mission late and you'd have to meet them in the loading zone to help assist with immediate emergencies. Those luckily didn't happen too often. Or sometimes there'd be incidents with the engineers and things blowing up, but again, not that often.

Growing up, you knew you wanted to help people. You weren't exactly sure what you wanted to do though, but the decision to go medical school seemed like the right thing to do and you went with it.

Kori had always been good with computers and programming. Unlike you, she immediately knew what she wanted to do in the future. Of course, she had her whole life planned out. Miss Perfect.

As the tension grew between First Order and the Resistance, you knew you would be able to find work there; as terrible as it sounded. Whenever there was hate and fighting happening, there was going to be a job for a medic.

Although you had been encouraged to pick a side, it didn't feel right in your gut. You wanted to help heal people no matter what side they were fighting for. Unfortunately, that wasn't a popular opinion. Picking a side felt like a requirement; a completely unnecessary one.

In school, you grew excited to hear about the rising need for medics and after graduation, you followed Kori to work for the First Order. They had offered to teach you combat skills so you could become a medic out in the field, but you immediately shut that down.

Picking up a blaster and shooting down a complete stranger didn't seem okay to you. No matter what side they were fighting for, they were still a person. Plus, you liked the consistency of working on Starkiller base and knew that you were safe there.

When you had finally made the decision to work on the base, you were nervous because you didn't know anyone there other than Kor. She was older and had been working there for two years before you.

On your first day of the job, you had walked into the bay with your crisp grey scrubs and waited at the front desk for instruction. Minutes went by and you had continued to stand there like an idiot waiting to receive instructions from someone else. Big mistake.

Suddenly, you had heard a blood-curdling screech that scared you shitless. Adrenaline running through your body, you followed the yell to the back to find a tall young medic kneeling on the ground holding a cloth to a wounded stormtroopers' chest.

In a trance, you stared wide-eyed as the medic began shouting at you to grab supplies. In a blur, you started grabbing gauze, disinfectant, and more rags and squatted down next to the solider. For one quick moment, you had stared into the medic's eyes as he stared into yours. You felt the heat in your cheeks rise up and immediately looked back down.

Together, you were able to stop the bleeding and transferred the patient to a bed. Standing there still in shock, you were frozen to the ground staring at the mess of cloth around you. There was blood everywhere and your new clean scrubs were covered in it.

The other medic walked over and ripped off his glove. Sticking out his hand, he grabbed yours to shake it.

"Thanks for the save kiddo, my name is Damon."

From that day on, you worked side-by-side with him and learned everything about the base's medbay. With each day your feelings for him continued to grow but you were too much of a coward to act on them.

He had dark brown hair that framed his face with a strong jawline. His eyes were kind and his smile was contagious. Not to mention his deep husky voice that gave you shivers when he talked. How were you not supposed to fall in love with him? With each passing day, your pining for him grew. It was getting ridiculous.

That was until Kori came to visit you after her shift.

She had walked in wearing her dark control center uniform and with a cup of coffee. You had run out to greet her from the back and threw your arms around her. Damon had followed you out from the back to see what you were fussing about.

He stopped dead in his tracks looking at Kor and you immediately felt a pang of hurt in your chest.

"Damon, this is my sister Kori. Kor this is Damon, my...uh" your voice had trailed off because you weren't sure what to call him.

Coworker? Friend? Secret love interest?

He reached out to grab Kori's hand and shake it all while still staring at her with his mouth wide open. You had never felt so awkward but tried to remedy the situation with a nervous laugh; breaking their trance towards each other.

Damon gave her a tour of the bay with you following close behind the pair of them chiming in when necessary.

By the end, he sheepishly looked at her and said, "Hey, would you want to grab some food sometime?"

Embarrassment flooded your cheeks. How could you be so stupid? You tried to remind yourself that you should have known this would happen. Kori had always gotten what she wanted. Even the boys that you had liked first!

But like the good person that you were, you shut up and silently watched them fall in love for the next few months. It was honestly torture.

It would be nice to say that you were over him by now, as it had been so long ago, but it still hurt your heart just enough to bug you. Obviously, you had never told Kor; how could you? You didn't even know what you would have said to her.

Hey by the way I think I love your boyfriend, mind if I take him for myself? That would never happen

The door to the backroom swung open bringing you back to the present and you turned around from the coffee maker startled.

A tall slim man appeared and stared at you with a grin on a face while he put his hands on his hips.

"Hey cutie, what's popping?"


	3. The Encounter

The man skipped over to you and wrapped his arms underneath yours so he could pick you up. He pulled you up with ease and twirled you around. You let your head fall back as you giggled and wrapped your legs around his waist hugging him close.

"Max! Hi! I missed you!"

He squeezed you before setting you down and walking over to the coffee. Seeing as the mug was full, he took a little sip and immediately handed it to you with a disgusted face.

"Oh my god, that is way too strong babe."

You laughed and grabbed the mug from him. You sat down at the small table near the two of you and took a long sip of the hot liquid. Hoping the caffeine would kick in soon, you took another sip. Rubbing your tired eyes, you looked up at Max as he grabbed a mug from the shelf for himself to fill. He dumped sugar into his mug and grabbed for a spoon before reaching for the coffee pot. His frame stood out against the sparkling, white, clean room since he was wearing his dark grey sanitation jumpsuit.

Max had curly brown hair that was shorter on the sides. His single silver hoop earring in the top of his left ear stood out against his tan freckled skin. He was much taller than you, and although he was thin, he was strong. He was beautiful, in a god-like way, which he loved to remind you of.

He looked at you as he finished filling his coffee mug and said, "So how did you sleep?"

"Kinda shitty honestly," you said with a huff. "My room is still fucking freezing."

He sat down next to you and grabbed your hand with mock sympathy.

"Honey, now, if this is an invitation for me to sleep with you, you know I'll do it. I'll just close my eyes and pretend that you're..."

You slapped his hand away as you laughed at him. "Awe Max, it's sweet that you think I'd want that," you said with a smirk. "In your dreams, hot stuff."

His mouth opened in a surprised shock. "Girl, you wish you could sleep with me," he mocked back at you. You both chuckled as he pulled out his datapad and checked his tasks. Swiping through his list of tasks, he looked back up at you.

"I already did the sanitation for the area near the bay, so is it okay if I hang with you for a bit? I'm just so sleepy girl, I need to sit down."

You nodded as you took another sip of your hot liquid fuel. You craned your neck to look at the clock. Damn, today was going by so slow. You turned back around as your stomach growled again.

"Actually, since you can leave the bay, could you go get me a snack from the café? I didn't eat anything before my shift again," you said looking at him with a face of guilt.

He tisked at you and you enhanced the pout knowing it would work. He rolled his eye as he stood up and set down his mug.

"Of course, you know I'll take care of my girl." He winked as he walked out of the room.

About a month or so after you first started working in the medbay, you and Damon had to do emergency surgery for a patient. You were there for hours and together you were able to save the soldier's life. Afterward, there was so much to clean up, the desk assistant had called for extra sanitation backup since the mess was literally everywhere.

Max had sauntered in with his face mask and bio-hazard bucket. He had brought a radio with him and his fellow sanitation workers and they listened to music while cleaning up the blood-stained floor. You were pretty sure that having music in the bay wasn't allowed, but you weren't about to complain about it.

After he was done, he came out into the hallway after re-sanitizing himself. You were sitting on the floor with your knees to your chest and your face in your hands. It had been your first big surgery and you needed a moment to breathe.

He had looked down at you and slid down to sit right next to you. You had lifted your head to look at him. He gave you a kind smile and grabbed your hand.

"I just wanted to say doll, I think the work that you all do in here is great. You're such a badass. Especially looking like that," he said with a wink.

Your scrubs were covered in dried crusty blood and so was your undershirt. Your hair that had once been up in a tight ponytail was loose with hair flying out everywhere. You definitely looked terrible, but you laughed and thanked him anyway.

Ever since then, you and Max had been inseparable. Your personalities had just clicked with each other and he was like your second half. You both began working the overnight shift and ended up goofing around whenever he stopped in for a 'quick' visit. His room was on the other side of the base, so you didn't get to see him much outside of when you were supposed to be working. You were grateful for him and his friendship and looked forward to seeing him.

With your cup of coffee in hand, you walked out of the backroom and towards the examination rooms. Everything was clean and spotless as you sat down at the computer in one of the rooms. Shivering you pulled your sleeves over your trembling hands as you slowly logged into the system.

You read through some of the reports of the incidents from earlier in the day as you continued to sip on your coffee. Most of your night shifts started out like this. It was peaceful.

Just as you were about to get up to go check on the patients in their rooms, you heard a loud bang that came from the lobby.

You stood frozen for a second before you slammed your mug down and rushed out of the room into the hallway towards the lobby. Standing there, like a mountain of black cloth, stood the Commander of the First Order.

You opened your mouth and then shut it still gawking at him. You had never seen him this close before. He seemed to take up most of the room just in his size alone.

He was scanning the room for movement and his eyes landed on you. Well, you weren't quite sure because he was wearing his helmet; but his face was in your general direction. He sucked in a large gust of air and breathed out, causing a vicious sound from his mask.

"You!" he almost shouted as he pointed towards you.


	4. A Mess

The Commander strode over to you with large heavy steps so quickly you thought he had floated towards you. His cape flew behind him as he closed the distance between the two of you.

You stood there paralyzed in shock. He was well over a foot taller than you and his broad shoulders and massive body made you shudder. You swallowed your fear and forced yourself to look up at his mask.

Why would he be here? Especially at this hour? 

He had his own personal medics to fix him up whenever he got moody and decided to destroy things; which apparently happened a lot from what you had heard.

"I see you aren't working," he said harshly. "Aren't you getting paid to be doing something while you're here medic?" he spat in a low mocking tone.

He stormed past you down the hallway. You stood there in the same spot you had been in, unsure what to do or say next. You looked over to the desk assistant and they looked back at you just as perplexed.

You whipped around and saw the cloud of blackness turn the corner towards the exam room you had just been in. Your feet began to move without you realizing and you found yourself standing in the door frame.

Commander Kylo Ren was seething pacing around the room looking for something. Unsure what to do, you remained stuck at the frame of the door. He suddenly looked up and saw you staring.

"What the hell do you want?"

You didn't say anything and just shook your head. You turned around with your mouth open and walked towards the patient rooms. Why was he here? Looking in your exam rooms? Should you be talking to him? You didn't know the protocol of talking to such a high-ranking officer. You only ever worked with people who were all in the same ranking as you.

Opening the door to a patient's room, you slipped inside and saw that they were sleeping in their cot. You grabbed their vitals charts to try and distract your mind. You set the chart down and walked over to check their fluids.

You heard a giant crash of glass and you ran out of the patient's room. Finding courage that you didn't know you had, you stormed into the room the Commander was in and walked through the doorway. The room was a disaster with supplies and glass covering the floor. You felt the anger rise up in you.

"Are you looking for something? Is there a reason you're creating a mess in my..."

"Yours?" he said at you with disgust. "May I remind you who is in charge here."

You opened your mouth in shock. "Well you're causing a scene and my patients are trying to sleep right now and..."

He cut you off again as he stormed over to you, "I'd watch what you say to me. I am your superior."

He stood there in front of you still breathing heavily. You noticed his left shoulder was drooping slightly lower than his right. It was popped out to the side more than the other one. He seemed to be wincing as he was huffing and puffing, and you reached up towards him.

He slapped you away with his large gloved hand. "What the..."

"What did you do to your shoulder Commander?" you asked pulling your hand back.

He looked down and considered you for a moment. He stepped away and went back to pacing looking at the organized shelves behind him. There were rows and rows of supplies in drawers and glass jars on the counter. Well, most of them were now broken on the floor.

He sighed and turned back around to you. "It's popped out of place and it hurts like a bitch. My medics aren't working right now."

You nodded your head slowly as you tried to regulate your breathing. Walking over to the patient's table, you pulled down the sheet of sanitary paper to cover the surface. Looking up at him, you gestured for him to come sit down. The blank expression of his helmet told you absolutely nothing about what he was thinking.

"Do you want me to look at it? Because I can," you said as calmly as you could. Trying to steady your breathing and balance, you stared at him, waiting for an answer.

After a few tense moments, he let out a long and defeated sigh and walked over to the table. Before sitting down, he stared at you again before awkwardly lowering his body down onto the thin sheet of paper. Even sitting down, which was usually a good height to help most people, his shoulders were in line with yours.

Deciding you'd need some extra height, you turned around to grab the stool that was wedged between nearby cabinets, you propped it up and stepped upon it. Well, it had helped a little bit, but not much.

Your hands were shaking as you started to reach towards his left shoulder. You paused before touching him.

"Um, actually Commander, I can't really get a good look at anything with all of your armor and uh, clothing on," you said very matter-of-factly trying to hide the red that was creeping onto your face.

He slowly turned his head to the left to look directly at you. The heat in your cheeks intensified when you realized how close to him you were. Standing as still as you could and faking courage, you continued to stare into the nothingness of his mask.

He huffed and then attempted to slowly lift his arms upwards to take his cowl off. He whined in pain and lowered his arms with a quick jerk. Even under all the fabric and armor, you knew that he had probably dislocated his shoulder. This happened more than you would think with the troopers when they were in combat, so you knew what it looked like.

"Do you want- uh, do you want me to-"

"Yes, fine. Whatever," he said with a synthesized growl.

Your shaking hands slowly raised up as you grabbed his cowl and gently pulled it over his neck. Getting his layers off without hurting his shoulder more was going to be tricky.

You pondered and then decided that he should try to take off the right side and you could get the left. Without saying your plan out loud, he began trying to shrug off the layers on his right side. Baffled, you stared as he continued to do what you were thinking.

Wait- could he read your thoughts?


	5. Red

You shook your head and slowly started to peel off the fabric from his left side. After what seemed like ages, his torso was only covered in the thin inner garment of his ensemble. Trying to hide your blush and nervousness, you bent lower to look at the shoulder socket joint. It looked to be partly out, not fully, as in it was probably forced back into the socket unnaturally.

"Did you already try to pop it back in?" you worriedly asked.

If not properly popped back into place, the joint could continue to dislocate again and again and eventually end up really hurting the body. You knew he probably did, so you weren't sure why you asked.

"Tried to, yes. Obviously, I wouldn't be here if it had worked."

You pursed your lips and nodded. You were failing miserably to not stare at his broad shoulders and tight torso as you looked at his left shoulder. His arms were big enough to crush you without trying. You thought about what he could probably do with arms like those.

Woah cool it there. Calm down.

The red returned to your face again and you got down from the stool. Attempting to clear your mind from your wandering thoughts, you stood in front of him.

He was built like a god. Every inch of his pale skin, that you could see, was gorgeous and utterly perfect. How were you supposed to focus right now? Shaking your head again, you looked up at him.

"Right, okay, so you need to lay down and I'll come on your side and rotate it back into the socket slowly, okay?"

He sat motionless and stared at you. Without thinking you gently pushed on his chest with both of your hands. You felt awkward since you couldn't see his face. It was like talking to a wall and telling it to move.

He sighed and laid back, wincing once he was fully horizontal. You walked over to the counter full of the broken glass containers looking for a syringe to give him some pain medicine. Finding one, you went over to the drawers on the other side to grab the liquid medicine.

"I don't have all fucking night here Red."

What did he just call you? Red?

"What?" you said staring back at him.

Still laying down he growled back, "Hurry up."

Nodding, you hurried back over to him. Why was he calling you Red? That wasn't your name. You weren't wearing red.

"Your face is bright red. Let's get this over with," he said in a bored annoyed tone.

Well great, now the freaking Commander had a nickname for you. And it wasn't even something cute; it was about your damn face and its inability to not blush all the time.

"Right okay," you said faking confidence again. "Do you want any pain meds beforehand? It can be pretty painful once the ligament of your Humerus pops back into place."

He scoffed at you, "Don't mock me, girl. I don't need any of that."

Nodding you set the supplies down on the table behind you. Tying your hair up so it was out of your face, you bit your lip. You couldn't remember the last time you tied your hair up for a man who was lying down.

"Okay, I need to grab your arm. Is that okay?"

He nodded and you reached for his bicep while placing a hand on his shoulder. His bicep flexed when you touched it and your cheeks were on fire. Shit his arms were big.

Down girl- calm the fuck down.

Trying to concentrate on the task at hand and not his insane muscles, you began pulling the left arm outwards towards your body. Slowly, you began rotating the arm upwards with your left hand while keeping your right hand on his shoulder joint. Feeling for when the joint was in position, you continued angling his arm upwards.

When it was close and nearly there, you pushed down to ensure it popped back in. The Commander growled in pain and instinctively grabbed your waist with his left hand. You sucked in a quick breath as you pushed his arm down further and with another twist, it popped back in. He yelped and pulled you towards him as his arm was finally back in place.

You stood there, unsure what to do next, as his large hand was on the small of your back. Breathing you looked at him right through his mask. You knew he was staring right back at you. Your heart was beating fast as you felt your heart beating in other areas of your body too.

You reached to release his hand and move his arm to rest on his chest. You stared again at his expanding chest as he breathed heavily. Turning around, your face the shade of a tomato, you started to grab his outer layers.

He snatched them out of your hand as he slowly sat up. You stood there, not quite sure what to do next.

"You can leave."

"Oh okay. Yeah. Well, if it happens again, definitely don't try to fix it yours-"

"Fine," he said in an annoyed tone.

You clasped your hands together and walked over to the disaster near the counter. Sighing, you bent over and started grabbing the bigger items. Well, great. This was going to take forever.

After a few minutes, you heard him get up from the table walk over to you. You turned around, still crouched on the floor, and looked up at him. He raised his large gloved right hand and held his hand out. In one swift movement, all of the debris on the floor floated up and landed on the countertop.

You fell on your ass to the floor in amazement still staring at him. He stared down at you.

"Hey girl, I brought you a granola bar and some- oh shit,"

The Commander whipped his head around to see a surprised Max standing in the doorway. He turned back to look at you.

"Messing around with your boyfriend on the job? I'll need to speak with your supervisor."

And with that, he stormed out of the room. Max jumped out of his way as he flew past the doorway and out to the lobby. You heard the double doors to the bay open and slam shut as he left.

Max rushed over to you and crouched down on the floor next to your face.

"Holy fuck. What happened?"

"Uh, well, he was mad and broke things. I fixed his shoulder. And he cleaned up using the force," you said breathlessly trying to recall everything that had happened.

"Well dear god, he's huge! He could crush you in an instant!"

Blushing you nodded as you grabbed the granola bar from him. You slowly got up and looked at Max again.

"Girl, I bet he is packing."

"Oh my god! You can't say shit like that!" you gasped.

"I'm just saying. He is built like a tree, and I would very much like to climb-"

You shushed him as you shoved his shoulder back playfully while laughing.

Honestly, yeah, same.

The rest of your shift wasn't nearly as exciting. After calling down the sanitation and cleaning crew, you helped them clean up the disaster that was Kylo Ren's mess. You then checked all your patients in the back and refreshed some bandages.

The medbay had lots of medic droids around to do other tasks. They were helpful and eliminated the need for other medics. They assisted in surgeries, helped with cleaning and sanitizing, and did more frequent rounds. Because of this, there wasn't a huge need for an excess number of medics around, especially during the overnight shift. Most medics were out in the combat fields.

Finishing up your shift, you grabbed your datapad and headed towards the doors. You greeted the medics for the next shift as you walked out into the hallway towards your room.

Shuddering, you made it to the outside of the door and the hatch flew open. You walked in and threw your datapad on your cushioned chair near the dresser.

Throwing your entire body weight onto your bed, you sunk into the mattress as you shoved your face into your pillow. Letting out a long sigh you slinked back out of bed and stripped your scrubs and thermal off. With only your underwear on, you climbed back into bed and hid under the covers.

How the hell had you come in contact with the fucking Commander of the First Order? You had never had such a bizarre day. Thinking about how he looked with just his inner layer on, you blushed again as you fantasized about what it would feel like to touch his chest.

And he had given you a nickname.

You don't know why you felt special, but you did. You smiled as you shut your eyes to take a nap.


	6. You're Excited

His hot breath was in your ear as he moaned. You wrapped your arms tighter around his neck as he pulled you in closer to his body. A growl escaped his throat as his lips brushed over yours. Breathing harder, you wrapped your legs around his waist and let your head fall back in ecstasy.

An alarm sounded off in the distance and you held on to him tighter. It was beeping faster. You kept trying to hold on.

Then you woke up.

Well, that was a shitty way to end your nap.

Your datapad alarm was beeping on the other side of your room. Hot and frustrated you threw a pillow at it. Yep, that will shut it off.

Leaping out of bed in a huff, you grabbed it off of the chair and shut off the alarm. Chucking it back in the chair you let out a long dramatic sigh.

Why the hell were you suddenly having sex dreams? And really good ones at that.

Who had it been about?

You knew the answer to that question. For once, you weren't dreaming about Damon. The dreams with him in it always were just of the two of you holding hands and talking. Dreams about becoming his girlfriend and falling in love. Like- lovey-dovey stuff.

This dream had been different. Full of passion and yearning.

Angry at yourself and the world for giving you the temptation, you stomped over to the shower and turned on the water. You thought a good shower would maybe help to calm you down. Turning the temperature to blood-melting, you hopped in after stripping down.

The water on your face didn't bring you any relief. You were too hot and sweaty, and the water wasn't helping matters. You cranked it until the water was bone-chilling cold hoping it would freeze your thoughts and the excitement in your body. After a while, your hands and feet started to look blue and you shut the water off. Climbing out, you reached for a towel. Wrapping yourself in it, you stared at yourself in the foggy mirror.

Is there any way that he could maybe be attracted to you too? A man in his position?

Staring at your dark under-eye bags and tangled hair, you knew that couldn't be true. Not when people like Kori were on base looking as pretty as she did. You turned around and walked straight over to your bed and crawled in. Laying there with your wet hair and damp towel, you wished for sleep. And, admitting to yourself, you wished for more dreams.

Eventually, you drifted off. You had more dreams. In fact, in the nights following that one, you kept dreaming. Every night you dreamt of him; you weren't sure why- you'd only seen him once for god's sake.

You dreamt of his strong hands, his broad shoulders, and towering presence.

You began looking forward to falling asleep each night because you knew you would see him in your dreams. He never had a face in your dreams, but you could hear his voice. Deep and sultry. It was almost comforting knowing you had that consistency in your life. Even if it wasn't real.

It was two weeks before you saw him in person again.

Max had come to see you at the beginning of your shift, as usual, but he had to leave when hordes of troopers had come in after a night training session had gone wrong. You were exhausted as you were getting to the end of your shift. You had been busy all night; but while you were changing the bandaging on the leg of a trooper, you suddenly stopped midway. The trooper lifted his head staring at you, waiting for you to continue.

You didn't know why, but you knew the Commander was in the bay.

Quickly wrapping the rest of the gauze on the injury, you threw him an apologetic look as you got up to leave the room. Walking excitedly towards the examination room that had been destroyed two weeks ago, you stopped dead in your tracks.

He was standing there facing you. His presence took up the room.

Without knowing why, you walked into the room, keeping eye contact. Your breath picking up as you got closer to him. He was just as you had imagined in your dreams; except even better.

He didn't say anything as you approached him and were now within arm's reach. The blush on your face crept up again, but you continued to stare at him.

A gloved hand reached behind you and pulled you towards him until you were pressed against his body. Unsure of what was happening but not wanting it to stop, you stood still.

He reached down to grab both of your hips and pushed you up against the closest wall. Having his body pressed against yours sent a shiver through you and your thighs pressed together. You could hear his ragged breath as he lifted his hand up.

You held your breath as he took one leather finger and traced it along your jawline.

"You're excited, Red," he said with a smirk in his voice as he grabbed your chin.

Blushing fiercely, you stared into his mask, not knowing what was going on, but also not saying anything in fears he would let go of you.

"I want you in my medbay in an hour," he said in a low growl.

Knowing you couldn't say no, you nodded as he let go of your body and you stared at the floor sheepishly. He grabbed your chin again and made you look up at him.

"Tell no one."

With that, he let you go and stormed out of the room.

You let out the breath you were holding, and your knees gave out as you slid to the floor with your back pressed up against the wall. Trying to catch your breath again you placed a hand on your chest.

What the hell was that?

Your mind was racing through the countless scenarios where going to medbay for the fucking Commander of the First Order would make sense. You couldn't come up with a logical reason. But you knew you would be punished if you didn't go.

Well, maybe you wanted that.

Stop. This is ridiculous. Nothing could or would ever happen. Your dreams were just that- dreams.

Trying to keep yourself busy for the next hour was torturous. You couldn't focus on anything. You began wiping down tables and surfaces that were already clean and checking on patients even after you had just checked on them.

Finally, the time had come, and you walked out of the medbay with your head held high. You didn't know why you felt this sudden surge of confidence, but you liked it.

Instantly shivering once you were in the hallway, you walked towards the elevator.

You had only been in the officers medbay once before. There had been an emergency surgery on a general after he had arrived back from an intense battle. It was a multiple-hour long surgery and you had felt so honored being asked to be there. One day, you hoped to become a higher ranked medic, like Damon, and would be able to work in this medbay more often.

Getting into the elevator, you pressed the button and it took you to the new floor. Stepping out, you looked at the sign that pointed you in the right direction.

The hallways on this level were dark and sparkling clean. You silently walked down until you found yourself outside of two massive black doors. Pushing on the handle, you let yourself into the bay and tried to hold back your gasp. Even though you had been there before, you didn't get the chance to see the room in its entirety.

The space was quiet, as no one was in there except for the odd droid cleaning. Noticing there was a receptionist sitting at the desk, they then looked up at you.

"The Commander is waiting in Room 3."

You nervously smiled and nodded as you walked past their desk towards the back. Walking past a med droid you stood outside the door with a large 3 printed on it. You gulped and pushed the door. It swung open with ease, but the room was empty.

It was the nicest examination room you had ever seen, if you could even call it that. Filled with couches that had soft luxurious cushions, tall bookcases packed full, and the newest medical equipment tucked away in the corner. The room was basically a glorified library and the medical section of it looked like an afterthought.

The door on the opposite end of the room opened. The hairs on the back of your neck stood up as the Commander walked through the door. Walking over to one of the couches that was near the fireplace, he sat down facing his back towards you.

"Sit."

You were still gawking at him and the room and didn't dare move.

"I won't ask again."

Your feet started moving into the room and you sat down on the couch opposite of him. Your scrubs felt odd up against fabric this soft. You didn't think you had ever even felt something this nice, let alone sit on it.

"You will be working here once a week. In this room. Is that clear?" he said staring blankly at you. 

Confusion on your face, you began to open your mouth to speak, but he stopped you by raising a hand before you could say a word.

"This isn't up for discussion."

"Commander, I guess, I just don't know what, or why you-"

"Did I stutter? There will be no discussion," he said huffing through his synthesizer.

You sat still not knowing what to do or say. You began to slowly nod your head while looking back at him. What was going on? Why did he need you here?

Seeing him more frequently was only going to drive your dreams even wilder. Also, how the hell were you supposed to focus while working here?

"Well, thank you, Commander. I've always wanted to work in this medbay. I appreciate you recognizing me and my hard wor-"

"Stop talking."

He stood up and walked the short distance over to you, stopping at your feet. Your cheeks flushed pink as you took in the sight of him.

He looked downright huge. His hips were directly in front of your face and you thought of what was under all of the layers he was wearing.

"But Command-"

He grabbed your chin and forced your face upwards, making you look at him.

"You talk far too much."

You were already thinking back to your dreams with him being so close to you. In them, he had looked so strong, so hot, so perfect. Thinking about it now made you shiver. Your face turned red thinking about it now. Oh, how you would like to find out-

"Only in your dreams Red," he snickered.

You could hear the mocking in his voice and as he released you harshly and swept past the couch and through the door he had come through.

In your dreams?

Oh shit.

He knew you were dreaming about him- no, even worse, he knew you were having sex dreams about him.


	7. Visitor in the Night

You had never felt so ashamed and embarrassed.

You had gotten caught, red-handed, by the Commander about your dreams that solely involved him. He was somehow reading your thoughts and could now see what was going on while you were sleeping.

How could that even be possible? How much of your dreams had he seen?

You knew he was force sensitive; you'd seen him clean up after his temper tantrum in your exam room. But you didn't think that the force gave someone the ability to see inside other people's heads. 

Mortified, you left the dark quiet room, and walked out of the medbay. Picking up your pace, you almost ran back to the elevator. You pushed the button insistently, thinking it would make the door open faster. Once the doors slid open, you dashed inside and smashed on the button that would take you to the floor your room was on.

Standing in the elevator, you grabbed the wall for support.

You felt violated. Those dreams were supposed to be private. It wasn't your fault that he could read your mind. It's not like you could control your dreams. Anger crept up inside of you as the tiredness from your long shift left your body.

The doors slid open and you raced out of them and headed straight towards your room. The hatch opened with a hiss and you stormed inside. Grabbing a pillow off your bed you chucked it against the wall. You grabbed another and shoved your face into it.

Does this mean you can never be alone again with your thoughts? Was he always going to be in your head?

You let out a scream that was muffled by the pillow. Dropping it on the floor, you walked over to your dresser, ripped open a drawer, and grabbed your exercise clothes. You hadn't worked out in a while, you didn't have any time or motivation, but boy you had some anger that you needed to get out.

After chucking your scrubs in the corner and pulling on the new outfit, you reached for your datapad only to realize that you'd left it in your medbay. Rolling your eyes in frustration you kicked the pillow on the ground next to you. You had wanted to message Max to see if he wanted to let out his anger with you. Deciding you were going to find him anyways; you left your room in a huff to go find him.

Unfortunately, Max's room was nowhere near yours- of course. Walking through the hallway at this hour was odd for you. Most people were just starting their days, but you were ending yours. Perks of the overnight shift.

You didn't even know what time it was, but you assumed it was around 6:00. That meant that Max was done working and was either eating or in his room. Deciding he was probably in his room, you headed through the maze of hallways until you reached his room. Still pissed off at everything, you pounded on the door.

"Come in-"

The hatch flew open and you stormed inside. Max was in his bathroom staring at himself in the mirror. Seeing your angry reflection, he turned around and pursed his lips.

"Now what is the matter with you?"

"I'm crabby. Can we go let our anger out in the training center?"

He chuckled and walked out towards his dresser. He shook his head and started opening the drawers to find new clothes.

"It's not funny. I'm very mad," you said crossing your arms.

Max pulled a shirt over his head and turned around to look at you. Rolling his eyes, he walked over and patted your head.

"I know you are sweetie, but you're just so darn cute when you are."

You let whine as you pouted and leaned against the wall. He threw on shorts and grabbed his shoes. Raising his eyebrows at you, you stood up and walked out of the hatch.

"So, what happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You come storming into my room all mad at the world, and you won't even tell me what happened to make you all stompy?"

"I am not stomping," you said noticing how loud your feet were on the floor. Sighing, you looped an arm through his as you walked down the hallway. "I just had a bad day."

"That's okay. Wanna get dessert after we run until we wanna puke?"

Nodding and laughing you both walked into the training center. Anyone could come here to work out, even though it was usually filled with troopers. You never really liked coming here alone, or even with Kori. Well especially with her, because then people always stared. At her, not you, but it was still annoying.

When you went with Max, people left you alone, which you preferred. Finding an empty space near the track, you bent over to tie your shoes. You and Max usually jogged around the track until one of you felt like you couldn't breathe, and then you usually went to the café to get dessert. It was a healthy balance.

Once the two of you were on the track, Max turned his head to look at you.

"Oh, my gods, I forgot! I have some good gossip for you!"

Max always knew everything that was happening on base. Working in sanitation meant he was constantly going around into each of the departments and listening in on their drama, and there was always drama somewhere. Word traveled fast throughout the base, but Max somehow always knew something before anyone else did.

"Okay, so you remember that hot trooper that I had a thing with?"

"Which one?" you said smirking at him.

"Shut up! Okay, but the most recent one."

You nodded remembering hearing about him. Max always had some boy at the end of his beckoning call.

"Anyways, he told me that the Commander had kidnapped a prisoner who had some like secret information about the resistance. Then the prisoner apparently escaped!"

"Wow, really?" you said shocked. "But how? Isn't that like, impossible?"

"Yeah, well get this- a stormtrooper helped him escape!"

"No way!"

"Yes, way girl!" he said excitedly. "And apparently Captain Phasma is pissed! He was one of the troopers that was with her on their last mission!"

"Oh, my gods, that's insane!" you said. It was completely unheard of- a trooper going rogue; well at least to your knowledge. Most of the troopers on base had been taken as children and raised to become stormtroopers; meaning they were usually pretty obedient. Especially when they wanted to avoid the wrath of a moody Kylo Ren.

It must have felt nice to get off of this base. You had only been here for two years, but time had felt like an eternity. You couldn't imagine what it must be like to be working for the First Order since you were a child.

"But just wait, here's the best part," he said slowing down his pace to walk. Slowing down in time with him, you fought to catch your breath. "I knew him."

"What! You did not!"

"Yes! He worked in sanitation!" Max said with his arms out at his sides in emphasis.

"But he was a trooper?" you asked with a tone of doubt.

"Yeah, that's what he did when he wasn't out shooting people. He used to work here on this base but helped the prisoner escape when they were both on the finalizer."

You nodded your head, finally putting the pieces together in your head as you slowed down to a stop. Your anger had dissipated, and you were ready to eat sweets.

"Wow, I just can't believe that. I wish I could escape this frozen place."

"Oh please, you'd never leave me."

Laughing you nodded your head in agreement- he was right. "Can we go eat now?"

Max nodded and grabbed your hand. The two of you left the training center and headed towards the café. Chatting on the way, you passed lots of people getting ready for their day. The café was busy, and you got in line to grab the mush they were serving. They usually didn't have anything sweet, but you and Max always joked that they did hoping it would come true.

After swallowing down the flavorless slop, you managed to find some pastries and enjoyed them fully. Looking at the clock on the wall and feeling the exhaustion from before, you realized that you definitely needed to get some sleep. Saying goodbye to Max with a hug, you left to go back to your room.

You were sweaty and smelly after your run and knew you should shower. Pouting because you just wanted to sleep, you got into the shower and stood there trying to soak in the water. You squeezed your eyes shut thinking about everything that had happened earlier. It had made you more upset then you though it would have, but the past was in the past.

You got out of the shower and pulled on your warmest clothing and crawled into your unmade bed. Your room was a mess, but you didn't have the energy or motivation to do anything about it. Snuggling into the bed, you drifted off into blissful sleep.

There was a soft knock on your door, but you were still in a deep sleep. The hatch opened and Damon walked through. Walking over to your bed, he stared at you while you continued sleeping curled under the covers. He smiled and reached out to brush a hair away from your face. The features on your face looked soft and kind in the dim light of your room.

He sat down on your bed and continued looking at you. The shift in the mattress caused you to slowly open your eyes. Seeing the figure on sitting on your bed, you squealed in fright.

"Shh, calm down kid, it's just me."

You had sat up in bed so quickly that you smacked your head on the bedframe. You stared at him with your mouth wide open rubbing your now sore head.

"What the hell! Why are you here?" you said half dazed and half-mad.

He chuckled in a deep voice that sent a chill up your spine as he set your datapad on your lap. Looking down at it you blushed as you looked back up at him.

"Thought you might want this for when you are almost late for work again."

"Oh, thank you. I forgot about it in the med-"

"No need to thank me, kid," he said reaching out and placing a hand on your shoulder.

Your breath caught in your throat as you stared at him, feeling heat creep up even more into your face. After staying still for a while, he took his hand away and slowly stood up from the bed. You instantly missed the touch.

"Well, thank you anyway," you said looking up at him as he walked towards the hatch.

"Anything for you sweetheart," he said with a wink.

And with that, he walked out of your room. You sat there dumbfounded. Looking down at your datapad, you grabbed it and set it on your nightstand. Lying back down, your thoughts started to wander.

How long had he been in your room? Had he been watching you sleep?

Your eyes eventually got heavy again and you finally fell back asleep. You dreamt of holding hands, kissing, and falling in love.


	8. Your Body Says Otherwise

The next few days were as normal as ever- well as normal as they could be when you worked on a giant frozen weapon of a planet. Your shifts in the medbay were busier than usual though. With all of the drama going around about the prisoner escaping the finalizer, there was talk of invasions and raids taking place to show the power of the First Order. Personally, you thought it was all a little ridiculous, but you were thankful that the workdays went by quickly.

As it got closer to when you'd have to see the Commander, you got more and more anxious thinking about it. You still didn't know what you were going to be doing there. Were you supposed to go there after your shift? Or just not go to your normal shift at all?

It's not like you could ask him any questions. Or ask anyone else about it.

It had to be some big secret, obviously, because the Commander can't show weakness.

You wished you could tell Max about it. There wasn't a secret that he didn't know about you and not one you didn't know about him. It just didn't feel right keeping something like this from him, but you knew you would both be in trouble if you ever said anything to anyone- so you stayed quiet.

On the day you were to head to new medbay, you woke to a message on your datapad that said you were to spend your whole shift there. Grumbling, you got ready, pulling on your gray scrubs just like you did every day. Grabbing your datapad, you turned to look at yourself in your mirror before leaving.

You looked exceptionally ordinary.

There was nothing that could hide your dark undereye bags. They made you look so much older and sadder. The gray of your scrubs washed you out. Your hair sat plainly on your head and you wished it was different.

Pouting slightly, you walked out of your room. Getting into the elevator, you leaned against the wall. A sadness you hadn't felt for a long time crept over you as a tear rolled down your cheek.

Hopelessness.

You straightened up as the doors slid open with a chime and you stepped into the chilled hallway. The goosebumps on your skin a nice reminder of how cold the planet was. Walking through the large black doors that led into the medbay, you forced a smile on your face as you passed the assistant at the desk.

You pushed open the door to Room 3 and walked over to the couch. The room was empty and silent except for the crackle of the fireplace. After around 10 minutes of sitting there staring at your hands, you stood up and walked around the room. It was dark, as was everything in it, except for the brightly colored bookends. Walking along the bookshelves, you ran your hand along the various books.

Landing on a large red book, you slid it out from the shelf. It was heavy, but had a pretty rose picture engraved on the front. Looking around the room, even though no one was there, you opened the book. The pages were colored with age as you flipped through them. Deciding you wanted to read it, you carried it over to the couch and sat down. Curling your feet up underneath you as you began to read.

There was a knock at the door and the assistant let themselves in. Looking at you, without saying a word, they set a pile of black clothing at the end of the couch you were sitting on and left.

Setting the book down and scrunching your face in confusion, you reached for the clothing and held it up. It was an all-black version of the scrub outfit you were currently wearing. Assuming this was the hint to change, you stood up and set the large book down.

Stripping your gray attire off your body, you were concentrating on your balance as you reached for the clothing and you didn't notice the figure standing in the corner, watching you.

"Is this how medics are helping to heal people now?"

You whipped around attempting to cover your chest and exposed body. Your cheeks were on fire as you stared at him

"C-Commander, I-I'm sorry, I d-didn't mean-"

"You don't have anything I haven't seen before," he said flatly as he turned around walking towards the other end of the room.

Grabbing the thermal and scrubs, you hastily pulled them over your head and up your legs, avoiding looking at him. He turned around and watched as you finished dressing. Tucking in your shirt you slowly raised your head looking up at him, still embarrassed.

"Would your boyfriend approve of these methods you have?" he asked in a wicked tone.

"Wha- I-I don't have a boyfriend," you said in a surprising defense.

"Oh, right, you have multiple," he growled back.

Crossing your arms over your chest you looked at him from across the room. "I don't know what you're talking about. I don't have a boyfriend and I'm not stripping to help-"

"What about the worker you spend all your time with?" he asked as he began walking towards you. "And the one you dream about?"

You matched his steps and slowly walked backward. "Stay out of my head!" you growled at him. "My thoughts are private!"

"Your thoughts are awfully loud Red," he hissed back at you as he got closer.

You were breathing heavily and you knew your face was bright red.

"Well then get out of my head!" you said. The sadness you had felt before quickly getting replaced with anger. You backed up until you hit the wall. "Why do you even want me here? You're wasting my time that I could be using actually helping people-" you spat.

He was right up against you. He slammed his fist on the wall behind you, but you didn't flinch. You stared up at his cold dark mask. You could feel your heart beating rapidly as you stood pressed up against the wall by his body.

"You will watch your mouth," he huffed at you as he grabbed your hair. Pulling on it until you winced in pain, he forced you to look up at him. His other hand came up and grabbed your waist and pulled you into him.

"What am I doing here Commander?"

"Being very disrespectful," he said not moving.

You shoved on his chest with your hands to escape his grip but had no luck. That only made him pull up on your hair tighter causing you to yelp in pain. You glared at him and tried to pull away again.

"You are frustrating," he said plainly as he let go of you. Walking away from you and heading towards the equipment in the back, he turned around to look at you. "I need help."

Still trying to catch your breath, you stared at him dumbfounded. The heat in your face continued as you tried to shove away your thoughts about him. Having him pressed up against gave you butterflies and made your heartache.

"Me? You need help from me?" you asked again slowly, not quite sure you heard him right. You straightened up and stared at him still not sure what to do.

"I already told you not to mock me," he said standing still like a statue. "I haven't been able to do what's needed of me for the success of the First Order."

"Like letting a prisoner escape?" you asked testing the waters. You knew it would piss him off, but you liked being punished.

Your body was picked up off the ground and slammed into the wall. You felt as though your head had cracked. He stomped over to you and stood in front of you. Bending over, he grabbed you by the hair again until you were looking up at him. You cowered in fear as your head rang with pain.

"So disrespectful," he tisked and let go of you as your head slammed down on the floor.

"What the fuc-"

"I will not stand for you to insult me. You're just a medic, and a woman at that."

Fury rose up in your chest as you struggled to stand up. Using the couch for support, you looked at him with a devilish look in your eyes.

"Then why the hell am I here?" you said gently stood up straighter. "Because no one else knows how little Kylo Ren went and got himself hurt?" you said taunting him. "No one else can fix the great Commander of the F-"

His hand was on your neck and his entire body was trembling. He was cutting off your airflow and your hands flew to his to try and release yourself.

"I don't need anyone," he said aggressively as his gloved hand tightened.

"Your body says otherwise," you choked out.

You were losing the ability to breathe, and your sight got patchy. You could feel yourself starting to lose consciousness and then he let go. You fell into a heap at his feet with a thud.

You heard the door slam and you rolled over on your back trying to catch your breath. You don't know how long you laid there. The pain in your head throbbed as you slowly started to sit up. You could feel a bruise forming on your neck where his hand was.

Why were you turned on right now?

Crawling over to your datapad, you scooped it into your arms as you pulled yourself up using the couch cushions. Your vision was foggy, and you tried to shake your head to gain your sight back with no success. Touching the back of your head, it felt wet. Pulling your hand in front of your face and saw blood.

You fell back into the couch and closed your eyes.

When you woke up you were laying down on the couch. There was a towel propped up underneath your head. Your head was pounding as you attempted to sit up.

"Don't move," a voice said from behind you.

You didn't recognize it, but it was deep and sent a thrill through your spine. You heard loud footsteps as the figure walked around the couch to look at you.

Looking up at the Commander you gasped. He had removed his helmet allowing you to see his face for the first time. Even in the darkroom, you blushed looking at his features. His dark hair flowed freely as it rested in waves down to his shoulders. It framed his pale face that was dotted with freckles. His eyes were dark, but you could see a flicker of light in them as he stared at you.

Heat rose up in your cheeks and your body as you couldn't help but stare. He crouched down by your face and reached out. You flinched back as his hand rested on your cheek. His gloved hand was warm as he held your cheek. Using his finger, he wiped it down your cheekbone and let it rest on your lips.

He rubbed his finger gently over your lips. You stared at him unable to move. Infatuated by his soft movements, a groan escaped you. He smirked and stood up slowly. Reaching out his hand for you to take, he stood there looking at you.

You reached up to take his hand and he pulled you up from the couch. Taken aback by his actions, you stood there breathless as you looked up into his soft golden eyes.

"My shoulder is still wounded," he said softly still holding your hand.

You nodded slowly still staring at him. He placed his other hand on your waist and pulled him to you. You gasped and continued to stare.

"I'll see you here next week," he said as he let go of your hand and your waist. You instantly missed his touch as you nodded.

"Yes, Commander."

He looked at you one last time before turning around and leaving the room. You blinked not sure if you had just imagined that entire scenario in your head or if it was real. Grabbing your datapad, you looked around the room before slowly walking out of it.

The hallway lights hurt your head as you walked to the elevator. You stood inside of it as your head throbbed in pain. Getting back to your room was a bit of a struggle, but you finally made it back in through the hatch. You crawled into your bed not caring that you were still wearing your scrubs.

You found sleep quickly as you dreamt of Kylo's face. His features were strong but soft and it gave you a warm feeling in the pit of your stomach.

He looked so beautiful.

You woke up to the sound of the shower running and you slowly opened your eyes. You rolled over in bed and saw Max standing in your bathroom looking at you worried.

"What the hell happened?" he said rushing over to you.

You stared at him confused with your mouth wide open.

"I came here after my shift and I see you lying in bed with a bloody head!"

"I'm fine really," you grunted as you started to sit up.

"Bullshit. What did you do?"

"Nothing, I'm fine, really," you said in your most convincing tone.

You swung your legs over the bed and tried to stand up. You wobbled and fell into Max's strong arms. He sighed and helped you stand up.

"Why are you lying to me right now?" he said with a hurt face.

You placed your hand on his cheek.

"I'm not, I'm sorry. I fell at work and came to lay down. I didn't mean to worry you."

He stared at you still concerned and looked down at your scrubs.

"When did you get these?"

"Uh... recently," you said with a sheepish grin.

"Oh my god! Did you get promoted?" he asked you excitedly.

You chuckled and winced at the pain in your head. "Yeah, I guess you could say that."

Max helped you walk over to the shower. He peeled off your layers and got you into the shower and washed the blood out of your hair. You stood there gripping the shower walls for support.

When the water was turned off, Max wrapped you in a towel and propped you up on the counter. Rummaging around your cabinet drawers, he found some cotton and gauze and wrapped it around your head. You smiled and thanked him.

Walking over to your bed, you crawled in and he crawled in after you. You cuddled up to his chest and he wrapped an arm around you pulling you to his body.

"Thank you," you whispered as you shut your eyes.

It felt nice to sleep next to someone. You couldn't remember the last time someone held you as you slept.

As you slept, Kylo crept into your head. He could feel your level of comfort and how relaxed you felt sleeping next to someone. He felt rage creep into him as your body was tight up against the other person.

Why did he feel jealous right now?

You were just some medic.

Weren't you?


	9. Stop Being So Naïve

You woke up still curled into Max's body as his arm was wrapped around you protectively. You smiled into his bare and warm chest. For the first time in a long time, you had woken up in a cozy bed- and it was nice.

You instantly felt pain in your head as you tried to sit up. Trying not to wake up Max, you looked around the room. You squinted and saw something red on sitting on your dresser. Crawling over Max's quiet snoozing body, you climbed gently out of bed.

Your feet touched the ground silently and you crept over to the dresser. You opened your mouth in shock. There, sitting with a note on top, was the red book you had begun reading yesterday. You ran your hand over the imprinted rose on the book cover and blushed. You reached for the note and in loopy writing, it read:

Red,

Rest.

-K

You couldn't help but smile as you set the note down.

Had he really written you a note? Not just a note- a handwritten one.

What did this mean? Was this supposed to be an apology from him? It wasn't exactly the sorry you had wanted, but it was something.

You grabbed your datapad and squinted painfully as you looked at the bright screen. You had a message saying your shift had been covered. Sighing in relief, you set the screen down and you walked over to the bed crawling back over Max. Cuddling into him again, you huffed out a heavy breath of relief.

Wait.

Does that mean the Commander had been in your room? And had seen you cuddled up with Max?

No wonder he thought you had a boyfriend.

Feeling your cheeks burn, you shoved your face into him and eventually fell back asleep.

After Max had left, you had taken the day to lay in bed and continued to read the book from where you left off. It was a fairytale story and it was a nice escape from your dark and cold reality.

You wished you could live in the fake fantasy world in the book. That'd be nice.

After a couple of days, the throb in your head felt better and you went back to work as normal. You hid the large bruise that had formed on your neck with a thermal turtleneck. Deciding you didn't want any additional attention; you didn't wear your new scrubs. They were such a stark difference from the normal grey ones, you knew someone would notice.

Kori and Damon continued to nag you about switching to the second shift so you would be working with them, and you finally caved. Max switched with you since you two couldn't stand to be apart from each other.

Max hadn't mentioned the incident since it happened even though you knew he probably had questions about it. You had told him that you were just embarrassed by it all and wanted to forget it.

Which technically wasn't a lie- it just wasn't the full truth.

There were rumors going around the base that now the First Order wanted to start using 'the weapon'. You weren't entirely sure what that meant, but it made you feel on edge constantly. Everyone else seemed to be on edge too- and gave you a bad feeling.

On the day of your shift change, you had planned to eat dinner with Kori and Damon. You were dragging Max along because you didn't want to third wheel the whole night. Kori wanted to play games and you didn't try to fight her on it- you knew she would win.

Shift exchange days were weird because you never knew what to wear. You were so used to only wearing scrubs, pjs, or workout clothes, and you really didn't own anything else.

Pulling a thin cream sweater over your head you looked at your reflection. You looked thinner than you had in a while- probably because you were working so often. Along with the sweater, you pulled on a casual black dress over it that went to your knees. Wearing tights was necessary because of the cold, but you otherwise wouldn't have. The high neck sweater didn't look great, but you had to cover up the bruise on your neck somehow.

Deciding to be brave, you pulled your hair up to a low sweeping bun that sat on the base of your neck. Pulling strands loose to frame your face, you slipped on a pair of heels. There was a knock at your door as Max strolled in looking dapper as ever. He wore a blue button-down and he had rolled up the sleeves to show off his tan arms. He had unbuttoned the first few buttons at the top of the shirt to reveal his strong chest and glimmering necklace. He paired his top with dark slacks and dress shoes.

"Oh, babe! You look fantastic!" he squealed as he walked in. You chuckled as he whistled a catcall at you lowly.

"Come on you flirt, let's get this over with."

Walking down the hallway arm-in-arm, you got to Damon's quarters rather quickly. His room was near yours since you were both medics, but his was substantially bigger. He had more of a living area in his for when people came over. And just because he was a higher-ranking medic than you.

You could hear how loud the room was before even reaching the door. Not bothering to knock, you walked into a room that was packed with people. You looked at Max with a disgusted look on your face as you both tried to get into the room. You could hear Damon's low voice laughing from the other side of the room and could see Kori in a sparkling dress in the corner as she was talking excitedly to people.

"I thought this was a game night," you said in an aggravated hush to Max.

"We should have known we were getting ambushed with forced socialization," Max grumbled back.

Pushing your way through the crowd holding onto Max's hand, you found a table with drinks on it. You each grabbed one and went to find empty chairs.

Kori loved having parties. It meant that all of the attention was on her- which she lived for. Damon didn't mind the parties either- it meant he could talk about himself the entire time.

Wait, why did you like him again?

Oh yeah, he's wickedly handsome and has a good way with his words.

"I'm going to grab us some snacks- please don't move until I get back," Max said sternly as he stood up holding his empty glass.

You sat there awkwardly and glanced around the room. There was the occasional person that you recognized, but most of them were strangers to you. You didn't know Kori and Damon knew this many people on the base, but you weren't surprised.

You felt a hand brush up your arm and you jumped as you turned to see Damon sitting down next to you with a grin. Heat filled your cheeks as you smiled back at him.

"Well don't you look amazing kid," he said looking at you up and down.

Your blush deepened, "Oh hush Damon, you flatter me," you said taking a sip from your glass.

"No really, you look great," he said resting a hand on your leg.

His hand was warm on your cold leg, and your body tingled. You smiled appreciatively at him but didn't dare move. You didn't know what was going on.

He was wearing a tight black button-down with a matching tie. His shirt was tucked into dark pants and he had on big shiny shoes. He looked downright gorgeous. You bit your lip in an attempt to stop yourself from drooling while looking at him.

"Well thank you, you don't look too bad yourself," you said with a wink.

His grip tightened on your leg and you gasped. He looked you right in the eye and you stared back not wanting to break the connection.

Before Kori had met Damon, you and him had been much closer. You used to spend lots of time together both in and out of work. He even spent time with you and Max, and you all got along really well.

You were convinced at the time that Damon also had feelings for you. The way he stared just a little too long sometimes or hugged you a little too tight. You had felt a connection with him, and you thought it had been real.

Then Kori came into the picture and ruined it for you. As usual.

"So how are you feeling? I heard you took some time off because you were sick," Damon asked staring at you with a smirk.

"Oh, uh yeah, I'm feeling fine now, thanks," you said sheepishly.

"Well good, good- can't have my girl ditching me, especially now that we're working the same shift."

"Don't you worry, I'm good as new," you said confidently, hoping he'd buy your lie.

You heard a rustle of clothing and looked up to see Kori staring down at you with a glare. Damon quickly stood up and released your leg.

"Glad you made it," she said coldly staring at you.

You shakily stood up and nodded. "Yeah of course Kor, I wouldn't miss it."

She grabbed Damon's hand aggressively and walked away with him in tow. You blew out a breath and looked around for Max. Where had he gone?

You decided you should socialize and try to meet some people. After about 10 minutes of that, you had grown bored and decided to weave through the crowd to find Max.

Walking through the hordes of tipsy people was not an easy task. You kept excusing yourself to push past groups. Getting fed up, you found the nearest wall and leaned up against it in frustration. Seeing Kori only a couple feet away, you walked over to her. She was talking loudly to a group of people who were all staring intently at her.

"Yeah, it's intense. But, you know, the First Order has got to show their power," she said looking at the group of people around her. "Yeah, I'm not shocked by their decision, I actually agree with it. It was bound to happen eventually."

You touched your hand on her shoulder, and she spun around. "What is the First Order doing?" you asked curiously.

"Oh, you didn't hear?" she asked with a fake tone. "Of course, you haven't, you're always working in that damn medbay," she spat at you.

You felt heat rising in your cheeks as anger towards her began to bubble.

"Kor, what are you talking about?" you said trying to keep your tone neutral.

"I'm talking about the First Order finally using their superweapon to destroy the New Republic. I overheard General Hux talking about it in the Command Center-"

"What?" you spat at her angrily.

"Yeah, there's going to be some great big assembly soon letting everyone know about it," she said devilishly knowing it was upsetting you.

"I can't believe that. It can't be true!" you said shouting at her now. People around you turned to look at what was going on.

"Well it is, and you can't do anything about it. Stop being so naïve," she said in a bored tone staring directly at you.

The heat rising up in you was bubbling over. You could feel your heartbeat pounding in your chest.

You shoved her out of your way and headed towards the door. Seeing the commotion, people made a path for you as you stalked out of the room in a huff.

A superweapon? That's what everyone was talking about?

You felt so stupid. Of course, that's what Starkiller base was made for. Of course, it was meant to destroy and ruin the lives of innocent people.

You felt sick to your stomach as you stormed through the hallways.

Why had you come here? You knew what the First Order was capable of. You knew what they stood for. And yet, here you were, working to heal their stormtroopers and generals because it felt like the right thing to do.

You slammed your fist against the hallway wall and instantly regretted it as your hand throbbed in pain.

Walking down the hallway, you didn't know where to go. You wanted to run. Get away. But you were stuck here on this goddamn base.

Practically running, you headed towards the training center hoping to burn off the anger. You hoped it would be mostly empty as you threw the doors open and walked through.

There was a group of guys in the corner, but there weren't that many people in total. Kicking your heels off near a bench, you stomped onto the track. You folded your arms in frustration as you began walking the loop.

Trying to slow your breathing down wasn't working so you decided to walk faster. The bottoms of your tights were beginning to rip on the rough floor below you, but you didn't care.

You were so mad. Infuriated. There was absolutely nothing you could do about it.

You wanted to scream or shout or maybe even cry.

Your pace slowed down as you finished the loop of the track and you walked towards your heels. The group of guys who were finishing up their workouts started walking towards you. Nervously, you walked quicker towards your shoes to try and avoid them, but you weren't quite quick enough.

"Hey there gorgeous, where are you going in such a hurry?" one shouted at you.

Another wickedly said, "What kind of workout outfit is that sweetheart?"

"You need help taking off those tights honey?" another one sneered.

You picked up your heels and turned to leave when one of them grabbed your arm and whipped you around. You winced at the pain his hand had on you and you dropped your heels. You tried pulling your arm free but had no luck.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"Yeah, the fun is just getting started."

Struggling to break free from their grip wasn't working. You tried to lunge away but they just pulled you back again holding you tight against their body. Squeezing your eyes shut, you wanted to yell but there was no one else there to hear you. You felt a tear slide down your cheek as you were surrounded by them.

With a sudden loud thud, all of them had been thrown back towards the far back wall. You turned your head upwards to see a dark figure standing in the doorway.

The Commander walked through the doors and straight to you holding out his hand.


	10. No, Keep Them On

You reached out and grabbed his outstretched hand.

The Commander used the force to make your heels fly up into his hands and he yanked you out of the training center. You were practically running to keep up with him as he walked in long strides down the hallway.

He stopped suddenly and pulled you into a dark room. You almost ran into him because you hadn't been paying attention. The door slammed shut behind the both of you and you grasped your chest trying to catch your breath. He let go of your hand.

He had brought you into a supplies closet that was located off of the hallway. You glanced around the room and there were shelves of janitorial supplies stacked high along the walls. There was a dim light above you that allowed you to barely see him in front of you.

"What were you doing?" he said as he breathed heavily pacing around the room.

"What?" you said shocked. "What was I doing? No, you should be asking what the hell were they doing?"

He rounded on you and closed the distance between you.

"You have no right being in that training center dressed like that," he spat at you.

Throwing your arms up in exasperation, you let out a frustrated yell.

"I should be able to go anywhere dressed in anything and not worry about creeps touching me!" you snarled back at him.

He threw your heels that he was still holding onto the ground and pushed your body up against the wall. Grabbing your waist with his hands, he pulled your body close to his. His breath was ragged and loud with the synthesizer directly in your ear.

"I don't want you walking around in this," he said pulling at your dress.

"I can wear whatever I want-"

"I could hear what they were thinking!" he said now shouting. "They were thinking such vile things-"

You tried to shove away from him, but he pulled you in closer. "Why the hell do you care anyway?" you asked loudly.

He slipped one hand from your waist and it grabbed your hip firmly. You gasped as he snaked the other hand up your body. His hand felt your curves until it rested on the back of your neck. He pulled out the band that held your hair up and it fell out cascading around your face.

You felt a burn in your body as you stifled a moan against him. He chuckled lowly and moved to hold your face in his large gloved hand. You stared up into the blank mask wishing you could see his face.

"I don't know," he said in a hushed tone.

"That's it? You don't know?" you asked back. "You're the one who keeps getting handsy with me Commander."

"And you, Red," he almost whispered, "Are the one having sex dreams about me."

Your cheeks burned with embarrassment as you tried to tuck your head down. He grabbed your chin and made you look up at him. Your body was trembling under his touch as the heat between your legs continued to build.

You couldn't believe you were this close to him now. The Commander.

Wait-

This is the same Commander who was going to murder millions of people.

You shook your head trying to get rid of the clouded fantasy of your dreams.

Remembering your anger from the party, you slapped his hand away. He hadn't expected it and his hand let go of your face. You ducked under his outstretched arm and stepped away from him.

"Is it true that you're going to destroy the New Republic?" you asked trying to stay calm.

He paused standing there in disbelief. "Where did you hear that from?"

"I have my sources," you snarled back. "S-So it's true?"

"Yes. The superweapon is being charged as we speak-"

You placed both of your hands on his chest and shoved him backward. He stumbled and caught his balance.

"You're going to murder innocent people?" you shouted at him. "Why?"

"It's what the Supreme Leader wants-"

"Fuck the Supreme Lead-"

There was an invisible pressure building around your throat. You gasped and reached for your neck. Kylo stood in front of you with his hand outstretched towards you.

"Watch your mouth."

You choked out a sob as you fought to breathe. You then dropped in a heap on the floor.

"H-H-How could you," you said as tears fell down your face.

"Why are you here if you don't support the First Order," he said at you while he walked around your crumpled body.

"I-I wanted t-to help heal p-people," you said struggling to sit up.

"You're nothing but a girl filled with childish dreams," he spat at you. "That perfect galaxy inside your head doesn't exist."

You started to stand up and glared at him.

"And you're nothing but a scared little boy hiding in a mask," you choked out.

Pausing, he stood and stared at you trembling in anger.

He lifted his arms up and reached for his helmet. There was a hiss as the faceplate detached and the entire helmet unlatched from his body. He dropped it with a thud at his feet. Walking over to you he shoved you against the wall again as you gasped. Your still fragile head hit the wall and you instantly felt woozy.

"I'm not hiding now."

His hot breath was in your ear as he pressed his body up against yours. He grabbed you forcefully and pulled you against him. You felt the hard tent beneath his layers and stifled a moan. He nibbled at your ear and started kissing your neck.

You melted beneath his touch.

How could your body betray your mind like this?

He kissed along your jaw with soft wet kisses. You snaked your arms around his neck and pulled him towards you. This caused him to get closer and closer to your mouth.

Your breath was heavy, and you looked up at him. Even in the darkness of the room, you could see the golden flecks of his eyes. They shone back at you filled with desire. He ran his hands up and down your body.

No, wait.

This wasn't supposed to be happening.

You were supposed to be mad at him.

But-

You didn't want him to stop.

You let your head fall back in ecstasy as he pulled at your dress. You reached down and helped him pull it over your head. He was panting softly as he looked down at you. He reached for your sweater and pulled it over your head and added it to the pile of clothing on the floor. You slid your hands down your body to pull down your tights.

He stopped your hands and muttered, "No, keep them on."

A shiver ran through you as you nodded. He reached and grabbed your face as the other hand went to grab your hip. You wrapped your arms around him again.

Biting and sucking at your neck and along your collarbone, he littered you with small marks. He broke the skin just enough with each bite and nip and you were soon covered in small bruises.

He traced the handprint of a bruise that was on your neck with his finger. Pushing down on it enough to make you wince, he leaned down and brushed his lips against yours. A gasp left you as you pulled him closer to you. You felt like your heart was going to burst out of your body it was beating so fast.

The anger that had built up was now turning into a burning desire for him.

His lips connected with yours with an electric zap. He let out a stifled moan as he deepened the kiss. You pulled back for a breath and he immediately pulled you back to him.

Lifting you up and grabbing your butt, you wrapped your legs around his waist as he pushed you up against the wall. You moaned in pleasure and kissed him back harder. Your tongue found his and he sucked in a surprised breath.

He ripped the tights that were tight around you and kneaded your now bare ass. You gasped in surprise and pleasure.

Reaching behind your back, he unhooked your bra and slipped it off. His mouth was on your breasts and you looped your fingers through his long wavy hair. He moved from one to the other kneading them both with his hands. Flicking his tongue over your nipple, your body shook in pleasure as he sucked on them until you squealed. He left scattered small bruises all over your chest as he stared down at them.

His mouth was back on yours and you wanted more of him; wanted to see his body. He squeezed your ass and you tightened your legs around him. Desperate to see him, you reached down to his belt that held his robes together.

"So excited for me," he huffed into your ear with a moan.

He slapped your butt aggressively as he dropped your legs and you slid down his body while your face burned. Knowing what you both wanted, you got down to your knees and looked up at him with wide eyes.

You reached up towards his belt and he smacked your hands away. Pouting, you stayed there and waited for his instruction.

Standing over you like a tower; he began to unbuckle his belt. You licked your lips as you waited. He smirked and after fumbling through his layers, he released his massive length and it landed on your face. Gasping, you stared. It was much bigger than you had expected, and you gulped, worried about what you were getting yourself into.

But you weren't about to try and stop anything right now.

"I know a better use for that mouth."

He grabbed his cock and slapped it against your lips. You opened your mouth in anticipation and he shoved it down your throat. Instantly gagging, you tried to pull your head back, but he held your head there.

He hissed as he began to thrust into your throat forcefully. You fought the urge to retch as the size was hitting the back of your throat. Struggling to keep your jaw open, you looked up at him wanting to hear his praise.

His face was screwed up in pleasure as he continued to fuck your face. You tried reaching up with your hands to aid your mouth in the process, but he slapped them away forcing you to do all the work with your mouth.

You could feel your jaw going numb as he continued to push in and out of your mouth in vigorous strokes. Drool was dripping down your face onto your exposed chest. He gripped your head harder as he quickened his thrusts. You could tell he was almost done.

Your center ached for attention, but you didn't dare move your hands.

"Take it," he said as he finished in your mouth.

Hot white liquid spilled out of your mouth as you attempted to swallow all of his salty seed. He looked down at you with a smirk and wiped the excess from your chin. Shoving his finger into your mouth, you slurped the remaining liquid and sucked his finger clean.

Your body throbbed and wanted more.

"Commander-"

"Call me Kylo."

You blushed and nodded your head. You slowly stood up as he tucked himself away. You looked around the room that was littered in your clothing and shoes.

He bent over to grab his helmet. You couldn't help but pout as he placed it back on his head and it shut down with a hiss. He walked over to you and grabbed your face in his hand. Using the pad of his gloved finger, he ran it across your lips.

"Don't tell your boyfriend," he said with a hint of a chuckle.

He dropped his hand as he turned and left the room slamming the door shut.

You fanned your face as you picked up your sweater and dress. Pulling them both over your sweaty head. Pulling down your now ruined tights, you balled them up and held them as you slipped your feet into your pumps. Noticing a trash can in the corner of the room, you tossed the tights in, not wanting to carry them down the hallway.

Your jaw already ached but you didn't care.

You had just gotten face fucked by the Commander- no wait, Kylo.

You- out of all people.

Feeling special, you pushed the door open cautiously and sneaked into the hallways. No one else was near the door and you heaved a sigh of relief.

Walking down the chilled hallways, you smiled to yourself.

You were going to have some great dreams tonight.


	11. Can You Handle That?

The bruises on your neck were dark and they were scattered from your neck down to past your chest. Staring at yourself in the bathroom mirror, your reflection looked so different. The creases in your forehead and around your eyes weren't as pronounced. You looked younger- well except for the darkness under your eyes.

You started the water for the shower and rubbed your tired eyes. You had tossed and turned for a while before you had been able to fall asleep the night before. You couldn't stop thinking about being with Kylo.

Waking up exhausted, you had felt an immense wave of guilt wash over you. Here you were, praising and pleasuring the man who was going to be killing the people of the New Republic. You felt like you had betrayed yourself and what you stood for. Your body had wilted under his touch and you hated yourself for it.

Why did he have this power over you?

How did he?

The instant you first saw him, you knew he would have some sort of power over you; you just didn't know how much. His presence was intoxicating and couldn't stay away from him. You were terrified of him and yet you wanted to be around him.

Not to mention how he basically had his way with you and then just left you- left you all alone in a damn supplies closet.

Why had he come to save you in the training center if he wasn't going to stick around afterward?

The water didn't give your tired brain any relief. Stepping out, you didn't bother to do anything with your hair except throw it up on top of your head. Pulling on your black scrubs, you grabbed your datapad as you slipped your shoes on.

You were supposed to help Kylo with his shoulder today, but you wanted to stop by your normal medbay first. You wanted to see Damon to apologize for leaving the party so abruptly. Also, just to see him, because he was your friend.

No other reason.

Paddling down the hallway, you adjusted your thermal around your neck to make sure no marks on your skin were showing. You knew that wouldn't be a fun conversation to have.

Walking through the doors to the medbay, you were bombarded with loud shouting and monitors going off. Worried, you ran towards the back. Following the voices to the operation rooms, you ran in to find Damon yelling at medics and droids while a trooper laid in the middle of the room. She was seizing on the floor as blood was going everywhere and everyone in the room was trying to give her space.

You made eye contact with Damon and his eyes locked on yours. As he looked into your eyes, you knew what he was silently asking for. You nodded reassuringly at him and ran to the counter grabbing gloves and a mask as you threw your datapad down.

Leading a few other medics out of the room, you all entered another room where an engineer was yelling in pain. They had sliced their arm and there were med droids attempting to help, but they were only making matters worse.

"You, switch places with the droid and send them in with Damon to help clean up the excess blood," you said to a medic. They nodded and walked into the room further.

"Can you call the sanitation crew to help with all of the bio-hazard bags?" you asked another medic and the nodded going towards the phone in the lobby.

Leaving the room where the engineer was, you walked into another room and saw another trooper laying in their bed writhing in pain. Their armor was still on their body, but it was clear that their leg had been severely injured.

Directing another medic, you said, "Get his armor off, carefully, and start prepping the leg to be looked at." They nodded and followed your orders.

Jogging back over to the room Damon was in, you saw that the trooper had stopped seizing and had been transferred to a bed in the room. Standing over her giving chest compressions, was Damon. He was shouting to people around him that he couldn't find a pulse. Medics around were checking monitors and scrambling to help. You ran in and grabbed the defibrillator off the counter and brought it over.

Following your lead, another medic grabbed patches and attached them to the patient for when the electrical shock went through them.

"Charging!" you yelled as you rubbed the paddles together.

Damon moved his hands to allow for you to reach in. Placing the paddles down you hit the button on the machine as a wave of shock traveled into the patient. You used two fingers to check for a pulse on her neck. Nothing.

"Charging again!" you yelled as you got the paddles ready again.

Another jolt and the monitors attached to the trooper began beeping as her pulse returned. Damon stopped compressions and looked at you thankfully announcing that the patient was now stable. You nodded your head as you placed the machine back.

Staying to ensure that all three patients had been settled in and taken care of, you grabbed your datapad and began to leave. You were going to be so late.

"Hey, kid! Wait!" Damon yelled after you.

Spinning around you saw him running towards you grinning. You couldn't help but smile back at him. Placing a hand on your arm when he reached you, he stopped to catch his breath.

"Thanks for the help in there. It's nice to have your extra set of hands for this shift."

Blushing you shyly smiled back and said, "Oh it was nothing. It makes for a much more exciting shift, that's for sure."

He chuckled and released your arm. He crossed his arms over his chest and looked at you up and down.

"Since when are you working in the General's medbay?" he asked with a tone of doubt.

"Oh, uh, somewhat recently, I guess. I only go in there once a week," you said trying to sound casual about it.

"Huh, how come I haven't heard anything about it?" he asked tilting his head at you.

Somewhat taken aback you said, "Well, like I said, it's recent."

"Can you handle that? Being in that medbay? With your experience level?" 

You could feel anger beginning to bubble within you. Taking a breath, you forced a fake laugh.

"Oh, well, I'm just doing some extra learning there. Nothing big," you joked trying to keep your tone light.

"Well alright kid- don't work too hard," he said with a wink.

You forced another fake smile as he turned around to walk back towards the examination rooms. Turning back towards the doors, you walked through them and headed towards the elevator.

What the hell was that?

Why were men always telling you what you could and couldn't do?

Frustrated, you got into the elevator and pressed the button to go to a new floor. Crossing your arms in a huff, you stepped out of the elevator as it chimed open.

There was loud shuffling sound over the PA system. You froze in place to stop and listen.

"Attention all on board Starkiller Base members, there will be a mandatory announcement given by General Hux later today. It is expected for you to be there. Check your datapads for more information regarding the announcement."

It clicked off and you kept walking. Looking down at your datapad, you saw the notification detailing more information about the event. Sighing deeply, you rounded a corner and nearly ran into a cart full of cleaning supplies.

"Oh my god, I'm sor- wait, Max?"

Crouching down looking at the cart was Max. He grinned as he stood up and pulled you into a hug. He went back to looking through the supplies on his cart

"What are you doing up here?" you asked him.

"Just doing extra cleaning in a few General's quarters since the big announcement is today," he said rummaging through his supply cart.

"Oh right, yeah, makes sense."

"What are you doing up here?" he asked looking over at you.

"Going to the General's medbay."

"Oh, yeah. Hence the black scrubs," he said with a chuckle.

The conversation felt dry and forced. You smiled in an attempt to hide the awkwardness you felt.

"You wanna hear some juicy gossip?" he asked with a wicked grin.

"Oh my gosh- yes," you said faking enthusiasm.

"Okay, so I first was in the training center today because a bunch of troopers made a huge mess, right."

You nodded, following along with the story.

"Right, okay, so, I went to the supplies closet that was near the center and you'll never guess what I found?"

Raising an eyebrow, you looked at him waiting for an answer.

"Girl! I found ripped up tights in the trash!"

Your face froze. Feeling your heart drop through your chest you stared back at him in shock not knowing what to do or say.

"I think someone was fucking in the supplies closet!" he said excitedly waiting for you to react. "No reaction? Really? I thought it was some good gossip," he said pouting.

How could you have been so reckless?

You shouldn't have done anything with Kylo- especially in a supplies closet where anyone else could have walked in! You never did things like this, not anymore. You had a reputation to uphold here on base. You wanted people to take you seriously. No one was ever going to give you a real promotion if you got caught doing stupid things.

"Wow, that's really wild," you said attempting to sound impressed.

Max continued on saying, "Yeah and I think it must have been someone from Damon and Kori's party! Because who else wears tights on base normally, right?"

You nodded faster than you should have to look at him. Your cheeks were hot, and you avoided looking directly at him. Noticing, Max took a step closer and rested a hand on your shoulder brushing over your tender bruises. You flinched away from him.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he asked with concern.

Shaking your head, you said, "Oh nothing, don't worry about it."

He pulled at your turtleneck and pulled it down exposing your bruised neck and shoulder. He gasped and grabbed both of your arms forcing you to look at him.

"What the hell happened?"

"Nothing Max."

"Bullshit! Are those real bruises?" he asked sounding more worried.

You nodded your head slowly and looked at him right in the eyes.

"Oh shit. Wait. Those are hickeys, right?" he said staring at you in disbelief.

You gulped down air and continued to stare at him.

"Max-"

"You're getting hickeys from someone and you didn't think to tell me?" he asked releasing you as the anger and hurt started to rise in his voice. "I thought we told each other everything," he said sounding disappointed.

"Please don't be mad at me," you said pleading with him.

"Why do you have so many? Don't they hurt?" he said crossing his arms over his chest. He froze and looked down at you. "Is he hurting you? Is that why your head was bleeding?" he asked. You could hear the pain in his voice.

"No, really, I'm okay. I'm fine."

"Why do you keep lying to me? Better yet, why did you run out on me last night?"

"What? You left me!" you said looking at him with a shocked face.

He rolled his eyes and threw his arms out in frustration. He started pacing next to you.

"You stormed out of there so fast!"

"You ditched me first!"

"Yeah babe, to find us snacks! You full-on left the party!" he yelled. "And now, I'm finding out, it was so you could go have a little fuck party!"

You stepped away from him.

"You know what, I had a really long night, I don't need to deal with you right now," you said in a sour tone.

"Oh, I bet you had a long night," he said wickedly. Placing both hands on his supplies cart, he pushed it away from you down the hallway.

Turning towards the bay, you stomped towards it throwing the door open. You stomped through the lobby and into Room 3 as you threw the door open. Grabbing a pillow off the couch, you shoved your face in it and let out a scream.

First, Kylo basically used you as a sex toy.

Then, Damon was telling you that you aren't smart enough to work in this bay.

And now, Max was getting mad at you for keeping secrets and ditching him.

Okay, maybe Max's anger towards you was justified... but you were still upset that he had attacked you like that.

You slumped into the couch defeated and curled up holding the pillow close to your chest. That familiar sadness creeping back into you like it had never left.

Hopelessness.

A tear fell down your cheek as you shoved your face into the pillow.

You never fought with Max. The both of you were so good at understanding each other that you had never gotten into an argument like this before. You always settled your differences and moved on. But this was different.

You hadn't meant for all of this to seem like some big secret, but that's what it had turned into. You knew you couldn't tell anyone, and it was making you feel like a shitty friend.

"You're upset."

You sat up to see Kylo standing in the doorway watching you. You turned around to get a better look at him as another tear spilled down your cheek.

"Um, yeah-"

"I don't have time for this. You're late," he said flatly.

Why was he being so cold towards you?

You had a look of shock and sadness on your face as you stared at him. He turned around and walked over to the side of the room that held the medical equipment. Lifting his arm, the equipment began to leave the wall and came to rest next to him. He sat down on the medical bed he had conjured and looked up at you. Taking this as your signal to move, you slid off of the couch and walked over to him while sulking.

"Okay, do you want me to-" you started to say before he waved a hand up to stop you.

He lifted his cowl off using his right arm and then looked at you. Sighing you reached to remove the left side of his layers as he took off the right side. Once they were off, he lied down on the bed.

With a sigh, you reached towards the upper left of his arm. Lightly placing your hands on his arm, he sucked in a ragged synthesized breath. Your hands were dwarfed in size next to his body. Placing one hand on his shoulder joint and another on his bicep, you slowly began rotating his arm upwards. Gently, you began rotating the joint backward and forwards.

He let out a small groan of pain as the joint ligaments and tendons stretched. Lightly pulling on his arm to make him sit up, he huffed and followed your lead. Now sitting up straight, you began swinging his whole arm around in a circle slowly allowing it to stretch fully.

Setting his arm down by his side, you tried to reach up to try and massage the joint, but you weren't quite tall enough. Scrunching your face in thought, you left his bedside and walked over to the equipment to find a stool. You heard a hiss and turned around as Kylo took off his helmet and let it drop to the ground in a thud.

"Red."

You stopped looking and walked over to stand in front of him. He pulled you to him with the help of the force and he pulled you up into his lap. Your cheeks blushed furiously as you sat straddling him with his hands on your waist.

Seizing the opportunity, you kneeled on the bed, still straddling him, and could finally reach above his shoulder. His hands slid from your waist down to your hips and gripped tightly. You gasped as you held onto his shoulder. Quickly before he moved again, you put pressure on the joint and tried to massage it. He growled and pulled you away.

You looked into his dark eyes hidden beneath long eyelashes. You held your breath as you stared at his full pink lips. His hair sat perfectly as it fell in waves around his pale smooth face. Desire from deep within you burned while looking at him. Realizing how tightly he was gripping your body and how close you were to him you began to tremble.

"Kylo-"

His face connected with yours and you let out a surprised gasp that turned into a moan. You released your hands from his shoulder and wrapped them around his neck. He pulled you in closer and deepened the kiss as his hands moved to your legs to wrap them around his waist. He sucked in a breath when his hardness became evident against you.

Gasping, you tangled your fingers through his hair, and he moaned into your lips. Your lips left his as you began kissing along his jaw and neck. He let his head fall back as you trailed down to his chest. Pulling the inner layer to the side, you laid soft kisses along his broad strong chest.

He gripped your ass and pulled you even closer to him. Reaching for the bottom of your shirt, he began to lift it up, but there was a knock at the door. Frozen in place, you stopped and stared at him with worried eyes.

"What?" he called out towards the door with a growl while still holding you close.

"Commander Ren, the assembly will be beginning soon," a voice shouted back.

Cursing under his breath, Kylo looked down at your figure.

"Ready my ship!" he yelled back.

"But sir-"

Releasing one hand from your hip, he stuck his arm out and you heard a yelp from the other side of the door as Kylo snickered.

"Of course, Commander, right away sir," the voice nervously called out.

Gripping you again he turned your head to look at him.

"Where are you going?" you asked breathlessly as he began kissing you along your neck.

"The Finalizer."

Instantly pouting, you sulked against him as he held you close. You didn't want him to leave. Not right now- especially not right now.

He looked at you and squeezed your pouting face and made you look at him again.

"You're coming with me."


	12. Always So Needy for Me

Holding your datapad tightly to your chest, you scurried through the hallway behind Kylo's large billowing cape. The floor you were walking through was nearly empty as all of the important Generals were gone preparing for the announcement. It was eerily quiet except for the loud stomps of Kylo's boots and your nervous steps behind him.

He had more or less told you that you'd be leaving the base instead of asking you. It's not like you didn't want to leave with him; actually, you were excited to leave. You hadn't left the base in what seemed like forever and you were ready to be off of this freezing hell of a place. Unsure what being on the Finalizer would entail, but worried that if you said something, he would change his mind; you had shut your mouth and followed him through the hallway.

The two of you finally entered the landing bay where the Command Shuttle was. There were swoops of cold air that made you instantly shiver as you tried to keep up with Kylo's long strides. He seemed to be set on leaving as soon as possible. You followed him down a long wide ramp towards his ship. There were a few engineers working furiously surrounding the ship preparing it for liftoff. As you got closer and closer to the ship, you realized that you had nothing to wear other than what you currently had on. You opened your mouth to speak about it, but Kylo cut you off.

"They have clothes on the Finalizer, Red," he said sternly as he began walking onto the ship.

You blushed as you walked up the ramp behind him. It was dark inside, and you found a seat towards the back of the ship. Knowing he wanted to leave quickly, you said nothing as you sat down and buckled yourself in. He seemed to be in a bad mood, and you didn't want to push his buttons more.

It had been a long time since you had been on a ship, but you knew that sitting down would probably be the best option right now. You didn't want to hurl over the floor by getting motion sickness. Closing your eyes, you tried to even out your breathing and calm yourself down.

"Commander Ren, your ship should be ready to go-" one of the engineers began, and Kylo cut them off with a wave of his hand.

They bowed to him quickly and ran off of the ship. As they did, the ramp of the ship began to rise up enclosing you and him in it. Even more darkness settled over the ship with only a dim light showing throughout. Kylo sat in the cockpit and began pressing buttons and levers. You felt the engine rumble to life, and you shut your eyes in anticipation of takeoff. Another rumble, and the ship began moving forward. Within minutes you were off of the ground and leaving the bay. With your eyes still glued shut, you grabbed the seat you were sitting on and held on to it for dear life. Once you were out in the air and out of the bay, the ship stopped rumbling as much, and started gliding through the air effortlessly.

You relaxed and felt your shoulders lower as you took a deep breath. Opening your eyes, you saw Kylo still sitting in the cockpit, not looking at you. You reached for your datapad and saw the notifications regarding the announcement. One message detailed where you needed to check-in and another was about signing off with a supervisor confirming you were present to hear General Hux's message.

Groaning, you set your datapad down, worried about not fulfilling your duties. You really didn't want to get in trouble for not going.

Hearing the rustling of fabric and boots coming towards you, you lifted your head and saw him standing in front of you. Against the background of the ship, he looked so much more intense and terrifying. It made him look powerful and it also made your mouth water.

"I'm your supervisor, I can sign off for you," he said in a bored tone as he stopped mere feet in front of you.

"Thank you, Commander-"

"I already told you," he said coming close enough to grab your face, "Call me Kylo."

"Okay," you said nervously with a shy smile. "Thank you Kylo."

He lifted his arms up to remove his helmet, and the faceplate slid off, and with a hiss; you saw his expressionless face. The glowing lights of the ship made him look unfairly godlike as his hair sat in perfect waves framing his face. His large nose looked prominent under the light but complimented his strong jawline and cheekbones. His lips looked soft under the light and you blushed as you stared at them.

"Why are you hiding back here?" he asked dully.

"Oh, um, flying sometimes makes me nauseous," you said trying to sound casual.

"Then sit up with me," he said as he swiftly turned around and walked towards the front.

You slowly unbuckled yourself and cautiously stood up trying to find your balance. Grabbing the walls of the ship for support, you carefully took small steps until you reached the front. There were two seats facing outwards towards the wide galaxy in front of you and Kylo sat in the pilot's position.

You gasped as you looked at the stars surrounding you. Every time you had traveled in a ship in the past, you had never had a view like this. It was breathtaking and made you feel instantly calm. The glow of the buttons on the control panel was easily masked by the wide expanse before you. You noticed the ship was set to autopilot and you glanced around looking at the other buttons, except you didn't know what many of the other ones meant.

You grabbed the back of the empty chair and swiveled it around so you could sit in it. You plopped yourself down and spun forward-looking outwards in amazement.

A smile crept onto your tired face as you stared out mesmerized by the view. The chair was spun back around, and you were now looking directly at a smirking Kylo as he was observing you watching the stars. You blushed as you looked at him. He held out a hand to you and you gently took it.

He pulled you off the chair and into his lap. His hands instantly went to your waist as he held you close to his body. Your heartbeat was fast as you felt the heat from his body. You looked up at him wondering if he wanted to resume what you had started earlier. You knew you definitely wanted to resume what had been going on in the medbay. He chuckled and pulled your face to his. Your breath caught as he placed his lips on your neck.

"Always so needy for me," he said as he placed wet kisses along your neck.

You moaned softly as you ran your hands up his large arms. He sucked in a gust of air and reached for the bottom of your shirt. He moved his lips away from your neck as you raised your arms so he could slide off your scrub top. You reached down to grab your thermal, but he got there faster and ripped it off over your head.

His soft lips connected with yours and your body melted into his. You felt heat spread through your whole body as you began to feel the burning desire for him between your legs. He picked you up, lips not leaving yours, as he carried you over to the control panel of the ship. Resting your body against it, he pulled your scrub bottoms and shoes off swiftly and wrapped your legs around his waist.

You gasped in pleasure and felt your wetness begin to soak through your underwear. His warm gloved hands slid around and unhooked your bra with one effortless motion. Your nipples were instantly hard against the cold air from within the ship. He began to caress and knead your breasts and his lips left yours and trailed down your neck to your chest. A drip of saliva drew between the two of you as he made his way down your body.

Squirming under his touch, you wished you could feel his actual hands instead of the leather gloves. You could feel a smirk on his face that was currently in between your breasts and he rose his head up to look at you. Still smirking, he held his hand out in front of your face wiggling his fingers tauntingly.

Understanding that he had read your thoughts, yet again, you opened your mouth and he placed a finger inside. You softly bit down on the leather as the taste filled your mouth and he pulled his hand out of his glove. You released the glove from your mouth and did the same with the other glove. Instead of putting this hand down, he stuck a finger back in your mouth.

You wrapped your mouth around it and sucked eagerly wanting him to be impressed. He seemed to be as a quiet moan left his mouth.

"So naughty," he said with a raspy huff as you used your tongue to coat his finger.

He pulled his finger out and let the wetness from your mouth drag across your body. He began kissing your lips again as his hands roamed your body. As he neared your center, you sucked in a breath.

Tracing the band of your underwear with a finger, he slowly began to pull them down making you shudder against him. His tongue went inside your mouth as his hand started exploring your folds. The heat in your face continued to burn as you felt a pressure begin building within you. His fingers found your mound and began massaging it. This caused you to gasp and buckle your hips toward him. When your hips connected with his, you felt his hard erection under his layers which made you even more excited.

In one fluid motion, he had your underwear off, and your legs dangled off of the control panel. Breathing raggedly, you watched as his face left yours and started trailing down your body. He lightly bit and licked you while his fingers continued pleasuring you. He moved his fingers down and teased your entrance while looking up at you. He sucked on your left breast as he slowly slipped a finger inside of you.

Gasping loudly, you wrapped your hands in his smooth hair as you kept your eyes on him. He was practically kneeling before you and worshiping your body and it made your whole being burn with want. He slipped another finger inside of you and began pumping faster. Your breath quickened as he moved his mouth to your other breast.

"Oh gods-" you breathed letting your head fall back pulling on his hair.

He slipped in yet another thick finger inside and you squealed clenching around him. He huffed as his mouth left your chest and moved down your body. Sweat trickled down your forehead as you continued climbing towards your climax.

He pulled his fingers out and you immediately opened your mouth to protest as he sucked your juices off his fingers. Looking at you with a smirk, he grabbed your legs and wrapped them over his shoulders and shoved your heat into his face.

You moaned loudly as his nose brushed over your hooded nub and his tongue began exploring your folds. Your hips buckled into his face, but he held you steady against the panel. You tugged on his hair harder as he reached your center with his tongue. He licked the strip before sticking his tongue inside of you.

"Oh fuck-" you moaned. "Kylo," you whined wanting him to go faster.

He continued to tease you while he moved his lips to your nub and began sucking sending shivers through your body. You felt shockwave after shockwave of pleasure as the intensity continued to build. He slid three fingers in you at once and pumped furiously while his lips caressed your clit and you exploded onto his face.

The mountain of pleasure was immense, and you cried out in relief shutting your eyes from the intensity of it. He moved his mouth down and licked up your cum and looked into your eyes with a sultry look.

"So sweet," he said lowly as he licked his lips. 

Your eyelids fluttered open as he stood up and connected his face to yours. You tasted yourself mixed with his saliva and moaned. He picked you up off of the panel and set your legs down on the ground. Your hands slid down his body and rested on his bulge. He sucked in a breath as you ran your hands over it.

"I want to taste you again," you said with a sultry tone as you gripped onto his erection through his many layers.

He huffed and fell backward into the pilot's seat. He unhooked his belt as he wrestled with the fabric that held his length in. The belt fell to the floor with a loud clanging noise as his saber hit the metal floor.

Kneeling down in front of him, you placed your hands on both of his knees waiting obediently. He released his already red thick length and relief spread over his face. He jerked his large hand up and down it while spreading the precum down the shaft.

You licked your lips in anticipation and he looked at you.

"You want this cock?" he asked while still fisting it slowly.

Nodding quickly, you looked at him pleadingly, "Yes Kylo-"

"Beg for it," he said wickedly in his deep baritone voice.

"Please can I?" you asked hoping that your plea would be enough.

He huffed, "You can do better than that Red."

Embarrassment crept over you as you looked at him. You let out a frustrated sigh as you eyed his hand movements. You could feel yourself getting wet again just looking at him sitting there fucking himself.

You wanted it so badly. To taste him again and let him fuck your face.

Dammit, how did he have so much power over you?

"Commander, please let me suck your cock," you said pleading with him.

In a quick motion, his hands were on the back of your head as he pulled you towards him. You opened your mouth and it was instantly filled with his entire length. You gagged as you tried to breathe around him.

"Oh, am I too big for you," he said mockingly.

You tried to nod your head but couldn't move. You began to pull your head back as you sucked hard against him. He moaned as his hips jerked towards you. He forced your head down further until your nose hit his body. You couldn't breathe and your cheeks began to redden. You reached your arms up and he let your hands help assist your mouth.

Moving your head up and down, you wrapped your tongue around him as your hands worked with your mouth. He let go of your head and leaned back into the chair with a satisfied moan as he lifted his hips to hit your mouth. You picked up speed and you knew he was getting close.

He rested his hands behind his head as he watched you continue. You stared into his golden eyes that were filled with passion and desire as he was reaching his climax. He pulled his hands out from behind his head as he reached for your hair and pulled you away from him. He fucked his length quickly and you held your tongue out in anticipation.

"Such a slut for me," he said as he pumped harder on his cock.

"Anything for you, Kylo," you purred back at him staring at him with sultry eyes.

This sent him over the edge and hot white loops of cum came out and hit your face as it dripped down to your chest. You moved your hand to wipe it into your mouth, but he stopped you.

"No, wait."

You stopped in confusion as you looked up at him. He stood from the chair and tucked himself away quickly underneath his layers. Reaching for his belt, he reattached it to his body and looked down at you. He grabbed his gloves and slid them on while continuing to watch you. You didn't move as you watched the cloud of black fabric move around before you. The hot liquid dripped down your body and you shuddered. Feeling the cold of the ship made your body on edge as you were completely naked.

"Kylo-" you started, but he cut you off.

Staring at you with a gleam in his eye, he said, "Perfect. Absolute perfection."

Your heart fluttered.

Had he really just said that?

You blushed furiously and smiled back at him. He took one finger and wiped the cum across your chest and your body trembled. He stuck his gloved finger into your mouth, and you sucked it clean.

He chuckled and walked away from you leaving you kneeling there and dripping in his cum all alone in by the control panel. You used your hands to wipe the remnants off and licked your fingers off. Somewhat satisfied with your cleaning job, you began to stand up.

Kylo walked towards you from the back with his helmet already on. You couldn't help but frown as you already missed seeing his face. He walked up and grabbed your body close to him. Putting his mask into the crook of your neck you shivered against the metal coldness of it.

"Get dressed, we're almost there," he said as the synthesizer growled at you.

He grabbed your ass and gave it a slap before sitting down in the pilot's seat. You sighed and began pulling your clothing and shoes back on trying not to pout.

Once you had all of your clothing back on, you sat into the seat next to him with a huff. You looked down at your feet kicking back and forth in frustration.

You had wanted more to happen.

You had wanted to see more of him; all of him.

"Stop pouting."

"I can't help it," you said crossing your arms over your chest.

You finally looked up and gasped as the Finalizer was in full view. You sat up straighter in your seat to get a better look at it. It was one of the biggest ships you had ever seen, and your mouth hung open in shock.

Kylo's ship glided smoothly to the Finalizer and entered the landing bay. With a lurch forward it docked in place as you held onto the seat for support. Looking through the window, you could see countless troopers, engineers, and Generals roaming around the bay. Kylo swiftly stood up and walked towards the ramp. You got up quickly to follow him.

Grabbing your datapad from the seat it was on, you straightened up and tried to look emotionless. You tried to flatten your scrubs and readjust your hair to how it normally looked.

You didn't want the whole bay knowing that Kylo Ren had just face fucked you and that you hadn't just been covered in his seed.

The ramp slowly lowered and Kylo stomped out of it. You silently followed down the ramp behind him not knowing where else to go. A trooper walked up to Kylo and bowed slightly before speaking to him.

"Commander Ren, I hope your travels went well."

"I am not here for small talk," he said with a hiss as he continued to walk.

The trooper struggled to keep in line with him as you quickened your pace behind the both of them. Looking around the bay, you saw people starting to look down at you and you blushed.

"Where do you want this medic stationed Sir?" the same stormtrooper asked Kylo.

"I don't care," he said dully.

You stopped walking feeling like you had been hit in the chest.

He didn't care.

Then what the hell had just happened in the Command Shuttle?

Another trooper walked up to you and addressed you, "You can follow me, ma'am"

Looking after Kylo, he hadn't stopped walking and had continued to talk with the trooper ahead of you. His cape billowed out behind him as he neared the exit of the bay. People scurried from him in fright as he stomped through. His presence was terrifying and no one wanted to get in his way.

You turned to look up at the trooper, and he motioned his head for you to follow him.

How could you be so stupid to think that Kylo actually cared about you?

You were nothing more than some fuck toy to him.

A single tear fell down your cheek and you quickly wiped it away. You turned to face the trooper and nodded your head to show your understanding. He turned around and took off and you followed him wondering why the hell you had agreed to come on the Finalizer.


	13. The Commander Insisted

"And, finally, this is the medbay ma'am."

The stormtrooper had given you a brief tour of your living space and where you would be working while on the Finalizer. Well, living space is a generous word, he had shown you the measly cot you'd be sleeping on and where you could go to shower.

He led you to the medbay waiting area that was packed full of people. There were people in every corner of space available and you instantly felt overwhelmed and a little panicked. Although it was busy inside, it was clearly very organized and structured. It made sense- since the First Order was well known for keeping all things in line.

"Is it always this busy officer?" you asked while glancing around the room nervously.

"Depends Miss, well, more recently, yes," he said staring down at you with the monotone voice that came from the trooper helmets.

"Oh, well, that'll make time go by quicker," you said swallowing your fear and slowly walking through the crowds of people behind him.

You clutched your datapad as if it gave you life itself; and maybe it did. It was the only stable thing you had in your life- a relationship with a damn piece of technology. It was also the only thing other than the clothes on your back that you had from Starkiller base. The datapad was a little piece of the only place you called home, even if it wasn't much.

The stormtrooper led the way towards the hallway in the back of the room and the hordes of people made a pathway for the two of you. You could feel the eyes of people staring as you walked through, and you tried to walk with your head held high. The consistent beeping of monitors in the far background added to your nerves and you felt your head start to go woozy. Shaking your head to try and clear it a bit, you followed the trooper double doors that led to the hallway towards the back rooms. 

"Well Dr. Walters is the supervisor of this bay, so you'll report to him," he said as he turned around to look at you.

You nodded your head and glanced past him towards the doors to the hallway filled with loud noises and took a deep breath. You then stuck your hand out to shake his covered and armored one, and he grabbed yours and shook it lightly.

"Thank you for showing me around, I appreciate it," you said with a fake smile.

"Anytime ma'am," he said with a quick nod before walking past you out into the bay.

Sucking in a deep breath, you pushed open the double doors into the hallway and they swung open with ease. You were immediately bombarded with the strong smell of cleaning solution, distant and nearby shouting, and consistent dull beeping. 

Feeling faint from the sickly smell, you pushed your way into the nearest room off of the hallway, and it was thankfully somehow empty. You grabbed the counter inside for support and tried to slow down your breathing as you set your datapad down.

What had you gotten yourself into?

Also, why were you feeling so faint?

There were large windows in the quiet room that showed off the big expanse of space surrounding the Finalizer. You shakily stood up and walked over leaning your head against the cold glass windows that led to nothingness. Its coolness felt nice against your tired and confused brain, and you shut your eyes momentarily.

You wished you hadn't fought with Max. The guilt was already wearing down on you.

There was a great chance that Kylo could leave you here on the Finalizer and you might never see Max again. Or Damon. Or Kori. You swallowed and tried to not think about it.

You opened your eyes and took a deep breath in and out while gazing at the stars. From your spot, you could just barely see Starkiller base. Actually- you could see some bright red lights from it.

How was that possible? You were definitely very far away from it.

Rubbing your eyes thinking it was confusion, you squinted and looked at the base again. Realizing something was shooting out from it, you pressed your face flat against the window trying to figure out what it was.

Then it hit you like a ton of bricks; you knew what it was.

The superweapon.

The stream of red lasers blasted past you as you stared at it through the wide windows in shock. You watched as it continued moving and split into five different points leading to different planets of the New Republic. You held your hand up to your mouth as you let out a blood-curdling scream.

You felt sick.

All of those people. So many lives.

Gone.

You don't know how long you stood there in shock as tears streamed down your face. The rage boiling up and spilling over as you whipped around looking at the dark silent room. You felt anger that you had never felt before.

You wanted to hit something. Throw something.

Do something!

You felt so helpless you wanted to scream.

Your feet began to move you towards the counters, and you grabbed a glass dish full of cotton balls and smashed it to the floor. The piercing sound as it shattered filled your ears and you grabbed a glass container full of supplies and threw it across the floor to join the mess.

Seething, you grabbed every piece of glass you could find and made them drop to the floor in a sickening yet satisfying sound. Your anger continued and you felt so much pain.

So much guilt.

You let out an aggravated screech as you reached up and started grabbing equipment from the shelves and began throwing them on the floor with as much strength your weak body could handle. They clanged on the floor, but it wasn't enough for you. You wanted to destroy everything. Make something else hurt as much as you did.

Reaching up again, you yanked down entire shelves full of supplies as they fell to the ground. The shelves were full of surgical equipment and you were so focused that you didn't notice some of the blades also falling down. You faintly felt a hot burning sensation on your face but were too focused on your current destruction. Your vision began to become slightly blurry and you stumbled grabbing onto the counter as the hotness dripped down your face. Still determined to destroy everything, you continued smashing and destroying while your eyes continued to get foggy.

You felt that same hot burning feeling in your hand, but you ignored it and kept going. When you reached for another thing off the shelf, you snatched your right hand back as you screeched in pain. You brought your hand into focus in front of you and realized it was dark red.

How could it be so red?

You touched your forehead with your left hand and brought it back down into your line of sight and saw that it was also red.

You stumbled and gripped the counter realizing that the counter was a deep red too. Trying to look around the room, it began spinning and you felt your head pounding. Your head was shouting; yelling at you.

Or wait, was someone yelling at you.

Slowly lifting your head up, you saw blurs of grey and black in front of you, but they fell out of focus as your body crumbled to the ground with a sickening thud. You heard the screams and then your vision went black.

You saw nothing. Felt nothing. You were numb.

The pain beginning to dwindle within you.

There was gentle but persistent thumping in your mind. It was soft, but you felt it. Trying to move your head only caused the thumping to get louder, so you tried to lay still. You moved your fingers slowly and realized you felt something warm and comforting.

Where were you?

Fighting to open your eyes, you squinted them slightly. There was a blur of white and you shut them, regretting opening them. You heard distant quiet footsteps near you moving around you. At least you thought they were footsteps. You balled up your fists and your hands grabbed onto fabric, almost like you were on a blanket.

Forcing your eyes open you groaned painfully at the bright white light surrounding you. Breathing in and out deeply you tried to focus your vision on what was happening around you. You heard loud breathing, but it wasn't coming from you.

No, this breathing was mechanic.

Craning your sore tender head to the side, you saw a large black outline that stood out against the bright white. Squinting to focus, you noticed the outline was moving towards you.

"Wha-" you began, but a voice cut you off.

"You think you can come here and destroy the place?" the voice huffed at you.

You winced, recognizing the voice.

"I bring you here as my guest, and you decide to have your way with things?" the mechanics of the mask snarled at you.

Your eyes began to focus and slowly made out the Commander standing in the corner of the room staring at you blankly.

"I-"

"I should have you dismissed, I should have you on the next ship out of here," he said in a growl as he came closer to you.

Panic started rising up in you as you looked up into the heartless mask that stared back at you. You felt frozen in place as your head throbbed in pain his voice ringing in your ears.

"I should have you killed."

Suddenly, a bright laser of red was in front of your face. The heat was close to your face and you wanted to scream in fear, but you laid there not moving. It glowed and crackled close to your neck and you squirmed in your bed.

"Kyl-"

"No," he spat at you holding the saber even closer to your skin, "You lost the privilege to call me that medic."

Hurt and then anger crossed your face, "Fine, do it. Kill me. You don't give a shit about me anyway," you growled back staring at him.

He stood still maintaining his stance and his hold of the saber. He moved his wrist ever so slightly until the saber was touching your neck. You screamed in pain as it instantly burned the skin of your neck. The scream sent a jolt through your body and caused your head to ache in pain. The pain was unbearable, but you couldn't move from the bed you were laying in.

"So disrespectful," he said coolly as he moved the saber away from you and shut it down.

Attaching it back to his belt with a click he looked back at you. Tears streamed down your cheeks as your skin singed from the burn. He walked towards you and grabbed your face causing you to wince as you were forced to look at him.

"You will learn to listen to the First Order," he said with a low growl.

His leather hands gripped your face hard enough to cause a bruise. You winced and tried to pull your head away, but he held you firmly in his grip.

"You're a monster," you spat at him while your whole body trembled.

Staring back at you with a low menacing chuckle, he said, "Yes, I am."

He released your face and left the room with his robes flying out behind him. Your head fell back into the soft pillow and your body shook as you began to sob. Sobbed from the physical pain coursing through your body and from the emotional havoc that was on your heart.

After Kylo's footsteps faded into the distance, there was a soft knock on the door and a short rounder man dressed in dark gray scrubs walked in. He looked at you with kind sympathetic eyes and walked over to your bed. Resting his rough hand on your small bandaged hand, he pulled up a nearby stool and sat down.

"How are you feeling?" he asked with a face full of worry.

You looked at him, feeling a surge of compassion from him, and you continued to cry harder. He calmly shushed you and reached up to your neck and lightly tilted your head to look at the new burn. Sighing quietly, he stood up and grabbed ointment off of the counter. He squeezed some out of the tube and leaned over to apply it to your neck.

"Can I touch your neck dearie?" he asked hesitantly.

Nodding your head slowly, he reached down, and you felt the instant relief as he touched your neck. Your sobs began to subside as he removed his hand from you and went to put the burn cream down. He sat back down on the stool and looked at you while scrunching up his face.

"My name is Dr. Jerry Walters, but you can just call me Doc, or Jerry, whatever you like."

You smiled softly and nodded your head.

"You took a bit of nasty fall in the other room and managed slice your head and hand open pretty darn bad. You made a bit of a mess too."

You looked down at your hand and noticed the large bandaging on your right hand. Reaching up to your head with your left hand, you felt wrapping around your head. Groaning in pain and embarrassment, you set your hand back down and looked back at him.

"Am I going to lose my job Doc?" you asked as tears brimmed your eyes.

"No, the Commander insisted that you didn't."

"Oh, okay," you said slowly with confusion. "Well, how long do I have to stay here in this bed?"

"A couple of days probably, then you should be fine to start working," he said looking at you with concern. "My main worry is that you were extremely dehydrated and had no food in your system."

You felt guilt wash over you as you looked at him sheepishly, and said, "Yeah, sometimes I spend too much time fixing other people that I don't take care of myself."

He laughed and leaned back a bit on his stool, "Yeah, that happens quite often with people in our profession. Just, take some time for yourself," he said patting your shoulder as he stood up slowly.

"Thank you, Jerry," you said gratefully as you watched him leave.

He smiled at you as he dimmed the lights and left your room. Exhaustion spilled over you as you closed your heavy eyes. The soft consistent beeping of the monitor next to you lulled you into a deep and very needed sleep.

While you laid there, in the medbay bed, Kylo crept into your sleeping mind. He felt the conflict in you as you fought the guilt you felt for joining the First Order. He could see visions of the two boys you always spent time with and a small blond girl who looked an awful lot like you; except far less beautiful.

Your body was calm and comfortable, but he could sense how upset and hurt you were. The deep cut on your hand and head were causing you so much pain, as well as the burn he had given you. He felt physical remorse for hurting you. He hadn't meant to actually use the saber on you, but he had just gotten so mad.

But how could he be mad at you when you had every right to be mad?

He had stood there stoic as ever in the command center of the Finalizer as he watched the superweapon being fired. When he was made aware of a medic who had gone rogue and was destroying the medbay, he knew it was you and instantly feared that you would hurt yourself.

Realizing he cared if you got hurt or not made him hate himself. Hate himself that he somehow cared so damn much.

He couldn't have a weakness- he wouldn't have a weakness.

Stomping to the bay and finally seeing the destroyed room in the medbay, he knew it had been you. No one else would have gotten this upset about seeing the superweapon in action. The room was a disaster and was covered in blood. So much blood.

Seeing you laying in the medbay unconscious and covered in your own blood- he felt fear.

Anger crept over him for making him feel this way.

How could someone with little to no importance make him feel this way? Just some medic.

That's why he snapped. That's why. You needed to be disciplined. You needed to be shown no mercy. Needed to know what disrespecting the First Order looked like.

Then why hadn't he just finished the job?

He could have so easily sliced your head off. But looking at the fear within your eyes as he held the saber to your neck, he had stopped. He felt a flutter in his chest while looking at you. These were the same eyes that had stared into his with lust and desire just hours before. The same eyes who begged to be with him and only him.

He stopped himself.

He needed to get over you; stop thinking about you. He already had enough to worry about with trying to convince the Supreme Leader that his father meant nothing to him. He now knew the location of the scavenger and would have to be leaving soon anyway.

He didn't know when he would be seeing you next; but he'd be fine without you- right?


	14. A Superior's Decision

If you thought working the overnight shift was boring, it was nothing compared to laying in a hospital bed for three days. Within the first couple of hours after you had woken up, your thoughts began to race while you laid there. You were on painkillers for your wounds and were being monitored for when you ate to make sure you didn't skip meals. You felt like you were being watched like a child. Jerry would come and check on you at the beginning and the end of his shifts, so that was nice. Most of the day, a medic named Madison looked after you.

She was tall and slim with gleaming brown hair that framed her face. She was incredibly kind to you and attended to all of your whiny needs with no complaints. She had a wicked sense of humor and you loved getting to see her. You talked her ear off each time you saw her because you craved human interaction. You were placed in a private room away from others, and you never got to see anyone.

Madison had told you that you had your own room because of the severity of your injuries, but you had seen troopers coming in with missing limbs, so you weren't sure what was up with that. You couldn't really complain though, except that it was lonely.

You were so used to being around Max all the time when you weren't working, that it was weird not being with him now. Your heart ached to see him, and you wish you could apologize for everything and makeup already. The Finalizer had so far only brought you bad memories and you didn't want to stay here any longer.

Your wounds healed alright and you had a nice pink scar stretching down your hairline, but if you moved your hair enough, it covered it up fine. The scar on your palm was less easy to hide, but you wore gloves while working, so you weren't too worried.

Trying to explain all the bruises on your chest, neck, and face to Madison wasn't exactly easy. You had told her that you were just clumsy, but she didn't say anything to object. Jerry hadn't asked you anything about them. He seemed like he just knew how you had gotten them and chose not to mention it.

Laying around all day, you thought of everything. Thought about growing up in Kori's shadow your entire life and how you had never been able to connect with her. It didn't help that your parents were never around for either of you, so Kori acted motherly towards you. She got to be too overbearing and you started to resent her for it. Along with the resentment, you were incredibly jealous of her with everything that she did. You now realized that you needed to try and fix your relationship with her. Seeing your life flash before your eyes when Kylo held his lightsaber to your neck, you didn't want to live your life with any more regrets.

You wanted to mend your relationship with Max and tell him the truth about your secret relationship. You knew you could trust him to not say anything to anyone else, and you didn't know why you didn't say anything to him before. Wishing you could talk to him, you laid in bed thinking about all the possible ways you were going to apologize to him.

On your last day waiting around in the bed, you decided you were done with Kylo. You were done with his tricks and games. He messed with your head, literally- he'd given you a concussion, and you were sick of it. You'd find someone else to help with his damn shoulder. You didn't need to help him anymore.

Madison came in to change your bandages and check out everything before they would be able to release you. You watched her intently as she worked quietly humming to herself.

She looked down at you staring and chuckled, "Why are you staring at me silly?"

"I like observing how you work, I wish I could work as quietly and diligently as you," you said staring back with a grin.

"Well, you'll be back working in no time," she said with a smile as she applied more ointment to your burn.

You winced as you slowly began to sit up. After all your years of experience and training, you don't know how you didn't realize that you had a concussion. Your head was still tender, but you were ready to get moving and doing something productive.

"Yeah, and I can't wait!" you said excitedly trying to swing your legs over the bed to stand up. "There's so much excitement happening around here, and I need a piece of the action!" You tried to stand up but fumbled and fell back into the bed. Madison grabbed your arm and held you sitting upright.

"Woah, one thing at a time, okay?" she said with a concerned look.

You nodded your head in agreement and tried standing up slower this time gripping onto her for support. Standing at your full height, you still had to look up at her to see her face which was smiling down at you.

"If you want, I can move my cot by yours in case you need anything while your sleeping," she said shrugging her shoulders looking at you.

"Oh gosh, I would love that!" you said flinging your arms around her.

You lost balance and fell into her. She caught you again with a laugh and stood you upright.

"Just please, take things slow."

"Okay, okay, I will," you said grumbling frustrated that you couldn't even stand up properly.

Eventually, all of your bandages were changed, and you finally got to get out of your terrible thin hospital gown. Slipping back into normal clothes gave you a level of comfort that you hadn't felt in what seemed like forever. You followed Madison out of the bay when her shift was over and found your cot. Your datapad was laying on top of it along with a pillow and blanket. She pulled her cot and belongings over to you and settled in for the night.

Even though you'd been laying around for the last couple of days and felt ready for action, the move from the bay to your cot had made you physically exhausted. Grateful to lay down again, you settled in for the night and wrapped yourself in the blanket like a burrito.

"Hey, so I've been wanting to ask," Madison said nervously looking over at you from her position next to you. She propped herself up on her elbows and slowly said, "How did you actually get all of those bruises on your chest and neck?"

You considered lying to her again, but then said, "Um, from a guy."

Her eyes grew in excitement, "No way! Do you have a boyfriend?"

"Oh no, he's not my boyfriend. We just kind of hook up every now and then," you said trying to hide your blush.

"And he's from Starkiller base?" she asked curiously giving her full attention to you.

"Uh, yeah, he is. But things are... um, complicated between us," you said slowly trying to find the right words without saying too much.

"What happened?"

"Things just got too intense, but I want to end things."

"Oh okay, yeah I can understand that," she said with sympathy in her voice. "How are things on the base? I've never been there."

"They are pretty good, except that it's always freezing there. I used to work the overnight shift, which was pretty damn boring, but then Max and I switched to second shift."

"Who is Max? Is that the guy you've been hooking up with?"

You laughed loudly and then clapped a hand over your mouth when someone else shushed you. "Oh no, he's my best friend. We are both very interested in boys."

"Oh, okay," she said with a laugh. "Is he a medic too?"

"No, he works in sanitation, and he always knows all of the gossip that happens on base because he has access to everywhere."

"That's so cool! How did you two meet each other?"

You told her the story and you felt a pain in your chest from talking about it. You ended up telling her everything about Max and how the two of you were inseparable. Feeling guilty, you also told her about the fight you had with him.

"I'm scared he won't forgive me," you said glumly.

"I'm sure he will, anyone and everyone can make mistakes," she said reaching for your hand and squeezing it giving you reassurance.

Madison told you all about growing up with brothers and how her parents had been upset at her for wanting to go out and work. They had wanted her to do her 'womanly duty' of staying home and starting a family, but she said hell no to that. She always had a passion for other people and science and knew working as a medic was the right path for her. Like you, she joined the First Order to help people, not because she necessarily supported their causes.

You shared the experiences of growing up with Kori and how complicated things had gotten over the years and how Damon was now in the picture making things more strained. She listened intently and hung on to your every word.

"So, you like Damon, but you're still hooking up with another guy?"

"It's complicated..." you said letting your voice ramble off. "He kinda drives me nuts, but I can't help it that I like him so much. He was just the first person to care about me on base," you said shrugging your shoulders. "But now he's with Kori..."

"Well, from what you've said, Damon doesn't seem like all that great of a guy," she said lightly. "Maybe you should start something with this other guy in your life."

"No, I can't. He doesn't care about me at all. I need to get over him," you said shortly.

"Okay, well, I know you'll find someone perfect for you someday," she said with a yawn. "I think we should get some sleep."

You nodded in agreement, "Okay, goodnight," you said with a deep yawn as you snuggled in for the night.

Tossing and turning all night, you couldn't get comfortable in your cot. Madison snoozed away next to you, and you wished you could fall asleep. You tried not to think about Kylo, but you couldn't help it. He kept drifting into your thoughts no matter how hard you tried to push them away. After hours passed by, you were finally able to fall asleep and you dreamt of a field of tall grass and walking through it holding hands with a strong gloved hand.

Your tired eyes blinked open as Madison gently shook you awake. You sleepily followed her to the showers and took a piping hot shower. Standing there under the stream of water, you tried to wake up, but you were struggling. You pulled on a new set of scrubs and followed her to eat breakfast. You weren't hungry, but she forced you to eat and it wasn't all that bad.

Chatting with her was enjoyable and you were excited to get to know more about her. After you finished eating, you both walked through the busy hallways towards the medbay. The Finalizer was a huge ship and there were people everywhere. Which meant there was a lot of excitement and action going on in the medbay.

Your body was a little sore, but you took some pain medicine and started off the day. Following the lead of Doc and Madison, you eventually got a better understanding of the bay and how things operated. It was similar to the one on the base, except there were a lot more droids and medics working. With so many people coming in and out of the bay, they had to work hard to keep things orderly and structured so they could assist everyone.

Jerry didn't want you working on patients quite yet since he wanted to make sure you felt fine first. You were frustrated but understood why he was making you wait. 

The day passed quickly, and you sat in on and even helped with a couple of surgeries. Being back in the heat of helping injured people gave you a rush of joy. On base, you often felt like your talents were being wasted with the work you had to do. Even when you did a great job, you never got credit or recognition- which was fine, but after a while, it really wore you down.

The next day, you sprang out of bed excited for another day. You pushed Madison through the morning practically bouncing off of the walls. She chuckled in amusement at how you were dragging her to the dining hall and then to the bay. Doc smiled at you when you came in and let you know you could start actually working.

Staying with Madison, you started off refilling supplies for the surgery rooms and made sure you were ready for a long shift ahead. The two of you split up and you began with changing bandaging, checking fluids, and giving medicine to the overnight patients. After that, you went out to the lobby to start getting new people back into the check-in rooms. You weren't allowed to do any major things by yourself, so you stuck to small jobs that still made the day fly by.

You ended the day with a large smile on your face. Feeling happy for once in a long time, you crawled into your cot that night and fell asleep immediately. You dreamed about successful surgeries that you would complete in the future and getting all of your work done.

The next few days followed like this and you were starting to think you didn't mind not going back to base. You missed Max, Damon, and surprisingly Kori; but it was nice to get some time away to focus on yourself for once.

For years and years, you were always so focused on other people and putting their needs above your own. You thought you did it because of the job you were in. Spending time with Madison made you realize that you were neglecting yourself and weren't prioritizing what you needed. She emphasized that you needed to treat yourself better and needed to realize how amazing you were. Blushing, you had taken the compliment for once and let her know how much you valued her friendship.

It had been over a week since you had seen Kylo, and you were just fine.

Okay- that was a lie, but you were trying to be fine.

Finally, the day came when you were going to be able to do things by yourself. You had basically leaped out of bed and sprinted to the bay. You ran into Doc's office and let out a shrill of excitement about finally being cleared to work. You stopped and lowered your arms as you saw him sitting at his desk with drooped shoulders.

"What's up Doc?" you asked with concern as you sat down in a chair near his desk.

He sighed heavily and grabbed your hands in his and looked into your eyes, "I'm sorry, but you're being transferred back to Starkiller base."

Your eyes widened as you stared at him- you couldn't have heard him right.

"B-But, I'm finally cleared to work on surgeries again," you said trying not to cry.

"I know, and I'm sorry. I wish you didn't have to leave," he said gripping your hands.

Standing up from behind his desk, he went around it until he was in front of you. He pulled you up out of the chair and gave you a hug as you stood there in shock.

"I-Isn't there s-something you c-c-can do?" you said choking on your words.

"No, unfortunately, it was a superior's decision, not mine."

You felt tears stream down your cheeks and you hugged him tightly as your body shook.

Fucking Kylo.

Of fucking course, it was him- who else would it be?

Madison walked by the office and saw you hugging Doc and crying and opened the door quickly. 

"What happened? Are you hurt again?" she said with concern as she ran over to you.

"N-N-No, I'm g-getting transferred back," you said through heavy tears.

Doc released you and you fell into Madison's warm embrace. You cried into her as she stroked your hair gently.

"We'll figure something out, don't worry. You don't have to leave here," she said calmly.

"Unfortunately, Madison, it's out of our control," Doc said from the corner with his arms crossed over his chest.

You hiccupped and tried to compose yourself. Wiping your tears away and stood up straight.

You weren't going to let this teardown everything you had worked on in the last week. You were a strong, independent, and hard-working person and you'd be okay.

"I'll be okay. I promise I'll come back to see you all," you said trying to convince them and yourself.

They both gave you hugs again before Doc let you know you needed to go to the flight bay where the transfer ship was stationed. You glumly left the medbay and made your way to the bay that was full of departing ships. You only had your datapad with you as you waited in line to board the transfer ship.

You were slightly surprised that Kylo wasn't flying you back- you figured he would be. Then again- you hadn't seen or heard from him in a while.

But you didn't want to see him anyways.

You were over him.

You boarded the ship with other medics, engineers, troopers, and a few Generals. You strapped yourself in towards the back and shut your eyes as you prepared for liftoff. There was a dull chatter on the ship as it slowly rumbled to life and took off. You opened your eyes briefly and saw the Finalizer getting smaller and smaller in the window next to you. You felt tears well up in your eyes and you quickly wiped them away.

You weren't quite sure how you had managed to get so close to both Madison and Jerry so fast, but you were already missing them and wishing they could have come with you.

Some things were just out of your control though.

The happiness you felt this morning was long gone and it was replaced by that old familiar pain.

Hopelessness.

The ship finally docked on the base, and you waiting to get off until it was less crowded. You sucked in a deep breath and walked down the ramp and felt the cold wind hit your skin. You definitely hadn't missed that at all.

Following the crowd of other transfers, you walked up the large ramp and wandered into the hallway. You walked behind the other medics who were chatting to each other excitedly as you all headed into the medbay. Walking through the doors, you gave a slight wave to the assistant working the desk and they smiled back at you.

You walked into the hallway towards the back rooms and it was quiet aside from the conversations of the people around you. You didn't recognize anyone and stood there awkwardly not sure what you should be doing. You felt your feet lifting off the ground as you were being engulfed into a large hug.

"Kiddo! I missed you so much," Damon cried as he held you close.

You winced in pain from being nearly crushed in the hug and he set you back down.

"Hey Damon, it's good to be back," you lied trying to sound convincing.

"I knew I had to get you back to base!"

"W-Wait, what?" you said in shock staring back at him.

"I missed working with you! So, I got you transferred back to base as your supervisor," he said cheerily.

Without thinking you shoved him backward. He was much bigger than you and didn't budge, but his face showed confusion and hurt.

"Kid, what's wrong-"

"Why did you do that?" you almost shouted. "I didn't want to come back."

"Well geez, no need to get moody. I was just doing what was best-"

"You don't know what is best for me!" you said exasperated as you paced around him.

"I'm sorry you feel that way-"

"I can't do this right now. I'm going to my room," you said with a huff and you practically ran out of the bay.

You could hear him shouting out after you, but you kept walking. You reached your room and the hatch flew open and you walked in. Something red caught your eye and through your blurred vision, you tried to focus your eyes. They cleared, and you saw a perfect bright red rose sitting in a vase. Walking towards it, you tossed your datapad towards your bed to you'd have your hands free. You heard a soft wince and you whipped your body around.

Kylo was sitting on your bed as he held your datapad in his hands. You gasped as you stared at him sitting there. You were so focused when you came into your room, that you hadn't even noticed his large figure covered in black robes waiting for you.

His helmet sat on the floor next to his feet and you stared into his eyes. Even in the poorly lit room, you could see the emotion in his eyes. He was breathing heavily as his lips were slightly parted looking at you. His hair flowed ever so lightly with the cool breeze in the room. He looked exhausted with deep purple under his eyes.

You stood there in shock as your emotions flooded over you. Your heart hammered in your chest as you looked at him unsure of what to say.

All of the emotions you tried to suppress came flooding back to you.

Without thinking, you walked directly over to him and he dropped the datapad with a thud and swept you into his arms. He cradled you to his chest and you held onto him tightly inhaling his musky scent. A tear rolled down your cheek as you grabbed his face with your hands. He wiped away your tear and kissed your forehead gently.

"You're back- you're really back Red," he said squeezing you to him.


	15. Please Punish Me

"How did you know I was back?" you said breathlessly while staring into Kylo's sparkling eyes as he cradled you close.

"I checked and saw you were scheduled to be transferred today," he said while twirling a piece of your hair around his finger. "I didn't think you would come back."

"Well I would have come back eventually to see my friends and my sister," you said slowly looking down and you gulped avoiding saying you would have come back to see him.

"So... why did you come back?" he said staring deeply into your eyes.

Your breath hitched as you got lost in the flecks of his deep brown eyes. After only about a week of being away from him, you realized how much you had missed him. How much you craved being around his daunting yet intriguing appearance. You felt drunk just being around him- he was intoxicating.

"My supervisor Damon signed off to get me back here," you said as your eyes clouded with sadness and frustration.

"The boy you dream about?" Kylo asked lowly trying not to get upset already.

You instantly blushed and said, "Oh, well, yes sometimes."

"You love him," he said in a flat statement coldness creeping into his voice.

"No, no, I don't," you said quickly brushing a few strands of soft hair away from his face. "Maybe in the past, but things are different now."

Kylo looked at you and slowly blinked his eyes making your heartbeat quickly. He licked his pink lips and looked at yours and then back into your wide eyes. You connected your lips to his and he sucked in a surprised gasp. Pulling your face to his, strong arms wrapped around your head and held your face gently. You deepened the kiss as you pressed your body into his. He softly let go of your legs from their cradled position and turned you around to lay you down flat on the bed while not breaking the kiss.

With your back on the bed, he pressed his body weight into you while he was completely on top of you. Heat spread throughout your entire body as your bodies connected. He stuck his tongue in your mouth and you lightly tugged on his hair. His hands grazed over your excited body as he continued kissing you and he was breathing heavily. You kicked your shoes off and wrapped your legs around his waist pulling him closer to you. A moan escaped his lips as your center was now directly pressed against his hardness.

He grabbed your hips and forced you to roll over until you were on top of him. You sat your hips directly on his hard erection and he gasped. You broke the kiss and sat upwards soaking in the feeling of being on top of him. Placing your hands on his hard chest, you began rocking your hips into him. He grabbed you and helped to encourage your movements.

You wanted more- needed more of him.

Reading your thoughts, Kylo stopped helping you and stared into your eyes breathlessly and said, "Take these off," he said pulling at your clothes.

You grinned and hopped off of him and down to the floor. Not breaking eye contact, you slowly grabbed the bottom of your top and slowly pulled it over your head. He stared at you while you removed your thermal. You shivered against the cold now that your arms and stomach were exposed. You bent over enough for him to get a good look at your chest as you shimmied down your pants. You stood back up and looked at him with a devilish look.

He was palming his concealed erection lightly while he watched you strip down. This only turned you on more and you slowly unhooked your bra and it fell to the floor. Your nipples were hard, and you ran your hands down the sides of your body slowly before reaching the top of your underwear.

"Stop teasing," he huffed as he watched you in agony.

You snickered as you slowly dragged your underwear down your legs. Once you were completely naked, you stood there staring at him with a smug look waiting to see what he would say.

"Or what?" you said taunting him.

You gave him a devilish grin as you moved your body towards the end of the bed holding onto the bed frame while gazing at him. He was lying down on your bed now with his head at your pillows staring at you with lust and desire in his eyes beneath his long fluttering lashes. He licked his lips as he stared at you waiting to see what you were doing.

"Don't test me," he huffed at you.

Slowly and torturously you pulled yourself onto the bed using his long legs for support. You bent down and stuck your ass in the air as you slowly crawled over his legs toward him. He growled and tried to reach for you, but you sat up quickly once you were on top of his hips. You snickered as your body was straddling his and you moved your hips slowly forward and backward over him feeling his hard and long erection beneath you.

He gripped your hips and started rocking you faster into him moaning quietly. You rubbed your wetness on him as you continue to rock your hips vigorously. You were getting excited and your head fell back with your eyes shut in ecstasy. You fumbled to unbuckle his belt and he reached down to help you quickly get it off. It fell to the floor as you were ripping at his layers to get them off, but he held your hands up.

You pouted and crossed your arms over your chest, "B-But, I wanna see you."

He gripped your wrists tightly and sat up, "Not yet," he whispered harshly in your ear.

A shiver rolled through your body and you nodded. Your bare chest was pressed up against his and your breath caught as he pulled you to him. He gripped your face and slowly outlined your bruises. He began placing soft wet kisses along your neck and you moaned as you started rolling your hips into him.

You wanted him now and didn't want to wait any longer.

His lips left your neck his hands trailed down your body and gripped your hips. In one quick movement, he flipped you over him and onto your back as he slammed you into the bed. He was now on top of you pressing himself into your dripping center. Gasping, you grabbed his hips and whimpered as he took his hand and ran it up your thighs.

"You want me," he huffed as he trailed his hands lower to your center.

Squirming you tried to buckle your hips into his hands as you whined but he held you still. A wicked smile crept over his face as you slammed your feet on the bed in frustration.

"Of course, I do," you said with a furious blush.

"I should make you beg for it," he sniggered as he bent low and kissed your inner thighs.

"Please Commander," you whined while panting in desperation.

He released his thick cock from beneath his layers and stroked it slowly as he huffed. He looked at you with hooded sultry eyes and slapped it down on your cunt and your body shook in anticipation. He rubbed it up and down your slit wetting the tip in your juices. Your whole body was now trembling from him teasing you and you couldn't take it any longer.

"C'mon, I know you can beg better than that," he said circling his tip around your entrance.

"Please fuck me, Commander," you begged moving your hips against him. "Please make me scream."

With a loud moan, he shoved his entire cock into your cunt, and you screamed in pleasure. He was huge and filled you wholly and you gasped at his size. You squeezed around him making him suck in a sharp breath as he began pumping into you.

"Fuck Red," he seethed as he pumped harder, "You're so fucking tight."

You whined in pleasure watching him furiously fuck you. You grabbed the sheets around you and balled them up in your fists as he pushed you further into the bed. Taking deep breaths, you focused on him moving in and out of you. The feeling was immense as it coursed through you, and your clit throbbed with need. You reached down to aid in your climax, but he grabbed both of your hands and pinned them above your head.

"Oh no honey, I do the fucking here," he hissed at you.

You whined as you continued getting destroyed by him. You were already sore from squeezing his entire length as each pump nearly split you in two. Sweat dripped down your body as the sound of his skin slapping against yours causing you to shudder.

"Oh- you think this is me destroying you?" he asked with a tone of wickedness.

He pulled out of you and it made you instantly miss being filled. Grabbing your hips, he flipped you over and slammed your face into your pillows. Pulling your ass up into the air, he rubbed his throbbing cock up and down your wet slit teasing you.

"Please," you moaned.

"Little girl wants to be punished?" he asked stroking himself.

You nodded as he slapped your ass harshly and you moaned. He gripped both of your butt cheeks and aggressively hit them leaving red marks. You groaned in pleasure as the pain seared into you.

"You like that Red?" he hummed leaning down over you breathing hot breath into your ear.

"Yes Commander," you said trembling as you tried pushing your hips back into him. "Please punish me."

He nipped your ear with his teeth before kneeling back up and he slid into you. He swore under his breath as he found a rhythm with your hips. Your tits bounced up and down as he held your hips aggressively and pumped into you. The sound of skin slapping together filled the room along with both of your moans and ragged breathing. You wanted to touch yourself but knew you would be punished further.

Your desire for him burned on as your face was shoved down into the sheets. He slapped your ass again making you moan loudly. He was vigorous and was hitting your cervix making you scream with each pump into you. Your clit was tender with need and you opened your mouth to whine at him, but he snaked an arm around your waist and found your mound. He began massaging it sending shockwaves of pleasure through you.

"So wet for me," he said as he rubbed you faster.

Breath caught in your throat; you arched your back making him curse again as he gripped you. The combination of him fucking you and touching your clit made your vision go blurry as you reached your climax.

"Please, Commander" you hummed at him, "Please let me cum."

"Such a good girl," he said while is breath caught. "Cum for me- cum for your Commander."

You followed his instructions as a massive wave of pleasure crashed over you and you milked his thick cock. Squeezing his length, you cried out in satisfaction as your orgasm caused your whole body to shake. Kylo let out a cry as he continued ramming himself into you filling you full of his seed. His pace slowed down as his climax shook his body. Panting heavily, he pulled himself out of you causing your body to fall into the mattress in a heap.

He tucked himself away as you slowly rolled over onto your back looking up at him with exhaustion. His face was flush, and he smirked looking at the red on your face. Dipping his gloved hand down, he scooped up the cum dripping out of you and brought it to your lips. You sat up and sucked his fingers eagerly licking the mixture of both of your climaxes. He hummed in approval and laid down next to you.

Pulling you towards him, he easily had your whole body tucked into his as his large arm filled with muscles was behind your body. You rested your hand on his racing heartbeat and closed your eyes with a smile. You don't know how long you were there with him, but you could feel your eyelids getting heavy.

"I have to go," he said sitting up suddenly.

Confusion crossed your face as you watched him crawl over you and off of the bed. You felt like he had dangled happiness in front of your face and then snatched it away just as easily. You began to pout as he grabbed your face and made you look up at him.

"Until next time, Red," he said as he slowly bent down and kissed your lips softly.

A shiver passed through you as he bent down to get his helmet and slid it over his head with a hiss. Without another word to you, he turned around and left your room. You sat there pouting as the hatch shut closed after him.

He had said there would be a next time- so that meant he must care right?

You tried to convince yourself that he did as you lightly jumped out of bed and headed to the shower. Your legs already trembled in soreness as you turned on the water. Gently, you climbed into the shower and sighed in relief as the cold water hit your hot and sweaty skin.

You rubbed soap over your skin and cleaned away the cum that had dripped down onto your legs. Washing the suds away, you climbed out and wrapped yourself in a towel. You thought of how Max had last wrapped you in a towel and had taken care of you and your heart ached in pain.

Deciding you couldn't wait any longer to see him, you rushed over to your dresser. Throwing the towel on the ground you pulled on a soft sweater and threw on some baggy but loose-fitting pants. Pulling on shoes, you hobbled out of the door trying to gain your balance because you were moving so fast. You knew that his shift was already over and hoped that he would be in his room.

You scurried through the hallways as your wet hair flying behind you. It was a struggle because of how sore your legs already were, but you were determined. You finally reached the outside of Max's room but stopped suddenly. You got a lump in your throat and you were anxious about talking to him.

What if he was still angry with you? Or worse- what if he wouldn't forgive you?

You mustered up all the courage you had and knocked on the door. You waited to hear movement and heard none. You knocked again as fear crept into you.

Did he really not want to see you?

You knocked yet again and gulped waiting for him to answer. Deciding you couldn't wait any longer, you walked towards the hatch and it flew open. Max's room was tidy, and you glanced around for him. Then you saw an outline underneath the covers slowly moving up and down in a deep sleep. You walked into the room and crouched down near the bed. He was shirtless sleeping underneath his thick blankets as quiet snores left his body. Hugging his pillow and facing towards you, his curly hair moved as he breathed in and out.

You gently raised an arm and shook him awake. His tired eyes slowly opened and blinked trying to focus on you. He sat up quickly as tears brimmed his eyes. Seeing his emotion, you immediately began crying as you stood up to look at him. Without speaking, he opened his arms and you fell into them sobbing. He pulled you onto the bed and hugged you close to his chest. Tears fell down your cheeks as you held him close to you.

"Max," you choked out, "I'm so sorry, I should have never lied to you."

He shushed you calmly and pet your damp hair, "I forgive you."

You looked up at him with blurred vision and huffed a sigh of relief and said, "Wait really? You're not mad at me?"

He chuckled and rolled his eyes looking at you, "Well, I am a little mad, but you'll just have to work harder to make me love you again."

You sighed and laughed into him hugging his lean frame.

"I promise I'll make it up to you," you said letting him hold you.

"Why did you leave base?" he asked looking down at you with hurt in his eyes.

"Uh, well, I went to the Finalizer," you said slowly trying not to mention Kylo.

"With who?"

Well- fuck.

So much for keeping things a secret. Then again, you knew you could trust Max.

"Uh, a supervisor," you said not looking at him.

"Oh, hell no, no more lying to me," he said making you look at him in the eyes.

You sighed a deep breath out, "I don't think you'd believe me if I told you."

"Try me," he said looking at you intently.

"So, remember how the Commander came into the medbay and destroyed the place?" you asked looking at him shyly. He nodded to show he was following along. "Well, he wanted me to start kinda doing physical therapy for him on his shoulder, but it had to be a secret."

"Why?" he asked with a quizzical look on his face.

"He can't show that he has a weakness," you said matter-of-factly. Max nodded in understanding and waiting for you to keep going. "Okay, so then we started spending more time together, and the night of Kori and Damon's party, he saved me from a bunch of creeps in the training center."

"Oh my god," he said gripping you tighter. "Did they hurt you?"

"No, the Commander got there in time," you said. "Then we went to the supply closet, and well, you know what happened there," you said sheepishly.

"Okay, well why did you leave the base with him?"

"I'm not entirely sure, but we went to the Finalizer together, but things got out of hand there and I ended up in the hospital."

"Holy shit-" he started, but you cut him off.

"I hurt myself because I saw the superweapon in action and got so mad."

"Oh, yeah," he said glumly. "Going to Hux's assembly was hard, I didn't like seeing that thing get fired."

"Me neither and I just snapped. Then I didn't see him for over a week, and well now I'm back here," you said shrugging your shoulders. It wasn't the full truth- but it was pretty damn close.

"Why come back now though?"

"Damon signed off to get me back," you said with a growl.

"Wait, did you want to stay there?" he asked with a hurt tone.

"Well, not forever, no," you said quickly. "I was just really enjoying myself there and was learning so much. Even if I was only there for a little while."

You told him about both Madison and Doc and how much they meant to you. He listened and when you were done, he pushed your hair back to look at your scar. He frowned and looked down at you.

"Well, please, promise me you'll stop hurting yourself when you're upset," he said with concern.

You nodded and inhaled deeply breathing in his clean fresh scent. Being with him brought you so much comfort and relief. You closed your eyes and yawned.

"Can I sleep here with you?" you asked looking up at him with big eyes.

He chuckled and wiggled your bodies down underneath the covers.

"Of course- I'm just glad you're back," he huffed and pulled you to him.

Within minutes, you felt his chest move slowly with sleep and you began drifting off. You had your one arm resting on his chest and another on his side while he had an arm wrapped around your back. His other hand rested lightly on top of yours that was on his chest. You stayed like that all night as you both slept soundly; finally forgiving each other for everything that had happened.

He tried not to, because he was fighting his feelings about how he felt about you; but Kylo couldn't help it as he crept into your head again while you slept. He instantly felt anger knowing you were sleeping with that same man that you were with before.

How dare you?

He had gotten you a goddamn rose and here you were already sleeping with another man! He paced around his quarters in a huff as he seethed in anger thinking about you. He shouldn't care, you were just some fuck toy.

Taking out his saber, he sliced it through the walls of his living space. Parts of it fell to the ground in a loud smash and he continued slicing through fabric and furniture. His anger boiled and he cursed himself for ever getting involved with you.

It didn't matter anyway. He would just use you and destroy you and then forget about you- like the piece of nothing that you were.

The next morning, you woke up still cuddled into Max. You smiled and soaked in the warmness of his body under the sheets. You and Max often had sleepovers and would gossip about all of the drama happening on base. He would tell you about all of the stories he heard from other sanitation workers and he always had the best things to tell you.

There was a pounding on the door, and you sat up quickly. You shook Max awake and he sat up groggily looking towards the hatch.

It flew open and a figure growled at you, "Am I interrupting something?"


	16. Some Pretty Girl

You scrunched up your face and squinted your eyes trying to focus on who was in the door frame. The small figure cast a long shadow into the room and you instantly took in a deep breath of relief realizing who it was. A fuming Kori stood there with her hands on her hips staring at both you and Max still lying in bed. You hadn't seen her this upset and angry in a while and shrunk back into the bed against Max.

"Are you kidding me?" she said loudly as she rushed over to the bed and flew herself on top of you.

You grabbed her in a complete surprise as she clung to your body tightly. You exchanged a very confused look with Max as he shrugged his shoulders not knowing what was going on either. Your arms lightly held her to you as you sat there still in complete confusion.

"Kor-"

"Where have you been?" she asked in a harsh tone while releasing her grip on you and looking at you with watery eyes.

"What do you mean? I've been in Max's room..."

"Yeah no shit, I knew you were in here because you weren't in your room," she said quickly with frustration. "I mean- where have you been for the last week? I've been worried sick!"

"I've been on the Finalizer," you said slowly, "Didn't you know that?"

"No! No one told me anything!" she said holding onto you again.

"Well, I'm fine," you said with slight annoyance trying to get her to look at you.

"I missed you, I felt so terrible about everything that happened..."

You didn't know how to respond, so you sat there waiting to see what else she had to say.

"I got so upset with you at my party," she said knitting her brows together. "I know Damon can be... a handful," her voice trailed off looking away from you. "And I was purposely saying shit that I knew would make you more upset..."

Was she manipulating you to feel bad for her? Or was this genuine concern? Coming from her- you really didn't know.

Kori had always been so good at twisting your thoughts and feelings about everything for as long as you could remember. She knew exactly how to hurt you and always ended up playing the victim in situations. When she couldn't use her older age to control you anymore, she started using her words to fight. You always ended up forgiving her until one day you started arguing back- it wasn't a healthy way to deal with each other by any means.

Unsure of what her goal was right now, you sat there in thought. Finally, you decided to be the bigger person about it all and suck up your pride. You felt a surge of empathy for her and you looked at her face that was pouting back at yours. Knowing you wanted to actually mend your rocky relationship with her, you grabbed her hands and forced yourself to make a genuine smile towards her.

"It's okay Kori-"

"No, it's not okay. I shouldn't treat you that way," she said looking at you intently. "I'm your big sister and I should look out for you; not tear you down," she said hanging her head. "I-I-I," she began, and then swallowing a gulp of air, "I'm sorry."

Max exchanged a surprised look with you as you both looked back at Kori. She never ever said sorry; even when she was way out of line. This was definitely a first.

Without hesitation, you said, "I forgive you," while rubbing her upper arm reassuringly. "For everything."

"I do too, if that counts for anything," said Max with a laugh joining in for a group hug.

Kori lightly pushed his shoulder back and fell into your arms. You hugged her back- actually truly hugged her, for the first time in a long time. You inhaled her sweet clean scent and it was comforting. Her crisp uniform crunched under your grip. The hug felt nice and you truly thought that things were finally going to change between the two of you.

You hoped it would.

You sat there soaking in the feeling of the hug and being with her and Max. The realization that she was in her uniform for her shift hit you like a ton of bricks. Meaning that you would have to work soon- like very soon, so you quickly but gently pushed her away.

"We have to get to work soon," you said as you released her and tried to climb out of bed.

"Oh fuck," Max said throwing the thick covers off of the bed. He scrambled over to his dresser fumbling with the drawers and started pulling on his sanitation jumpsuit.

Looking down, you groaned realizing you didn't have your uniform on you or with you. You really needed to remember to bring your scrubs the next time you had a sleepover with Max. You looked at his alarm clock and your heart raced realizing that you only had 10 minutes before your shift started.

"Okay, I have to go back to my room," you huffed as you headed towards the door. "Shit!" you yelled while pulling on your shoes and hopping through the hatch.

"Wait- can we all get dinner tonight?" Kori asked hopefully at the both of you as you scrambled to get going.

You were already halfway out of the door and you stopped and stuck your head back in the room, "Yeah of course!" you said cheerily. "I'll see y'all later!" you blew air kisses to the two of them and sprinted down the hallway.

You had beads of sweat dripping down your forehead as you reached the hatch to your room and it flew open as you bolted to your dresser. You stripped off your comfy pj's and opened your drawers scrambling to find your uniform. Dammit- you hated being this late; you always felt so guilty. Especially now that you had switched shifts and they actually relied on you being there on time. You didn't want them thinking you weren't taking this position seriously. Throwing on your thermal, grey scrubs, armband, and shoes; you quickly grabbed your datapad and left your room in a huff as you raced down the cold hallway.

Checking the time again, you cursed at how late you were and hoped that no one would notice when you walked in. The bay was already bustling with people and you squeezed past them headed towards the back moving as fast as your feet could take you. You nodded a quick hello to the desk assistant and pushed open the double doors into the hallway towards the back. It didn't sound too hectic and busy- thankfully, and you sighed a large breath of relief. You saw Damon holding a clipboard walking out of a room and squealed quietly as you quickly jumped into a room next to you. You sunk into the wall once you were safely inside as you gasped for air. Your heart felt like it was going to leap out of your chest. You really, really didn't want to see him right now.

Why were you feeling so fucking anxious about it though?

You placed a hand on your chest and tried to calm down your breathing. Telling yourself you could do this- you would be fine, you stood up to your full height and left to go towards the back rooms. There was an engineer currently waiting to get stitches in an examination room as a droid was prepping them. You walked in and silently shut the door behind you. Thinking some nice concentration on stitches would be a good distraction; you smiled quickly at them as you walked over to the counter.

"Patient is prepped, Miss," the droid buzzed to you as they moved away from the patient.

"Perfect, thank you," you said as you pulled on gloves and a mask and gather your hair up and out of your face. You walked over to the engineer who was propped up, and asked cheerily, "Okay you ready?"

He nodded his head nervously and looked away from the now clean but sliced skin. It was a nasty cut but didn't look too bad now that it had been properly sanitized.

"Don't worry, it'll be over before you know it," you said calmly as you sat down next to the tray of supplies.

"I don't know Doc, I really hate needles," he whined as he scrunched up his face in preparation for the pain.

"I'm very quick with what I do, and I'm very good," you said reassuringly. "Let's talk about something to distract you." He quickly nodded his head in agreement, and you said, "Okay, well let's start off with something easy, what's your name? And, where do you work on base?"

"Well, uh my name is Zed, Miss," he said slowly as he winced. "And I-I, work as an engineer in the docking bay."

You smiled softly as you had the needle ready and positioned. "Okay Zed, and what do you do at your position?"

Still looking away from his arm and you, he began saying, "I check on and do maintenance- ow! Uh, I do maintenance on newly docked ships."

"That sounds exciting," you said softly as you began looping the needle through his skin and sewing up the wound. You carefully held his arm in place as you made intricate small stitches along the wound site, and said, "Has anything interesting happened there recently?"

Zed perked up at this and said, "Yeah actually, I saw the Commander bringing a new prisoner in through the bay just a bit ago," he said with excitement. "He brought in some scavenger girl who was basically covered in rags."

Your face froze as you continued to concentrate on the task at hand. When the hell would Kylo have had time to get a prisoner? He must have left early this morning if he was able to already have this girl here. You chewed at your lip as you tried to move your hands slowly on his delicate skin. You didn't want to mess up the stitches, but you also were confused thinking over what he had just said.

"Apparently she's with the Resistance and the Commander has been searching for her for a while now," Zed spoke again trying to get you to respond. "She looked kinda pretty, honestly- ya know, for someone in dirty rags," he sniggered.

You felt heat in your cheeks and tried to not think about that remark. You didn't want to think about Kylo being around some pretty girl. Why would he have brought her here?

"Do you see a lot of prisoners being taken in through the bay?" you asked lightly.

"Yeah, but this one was different. He was carrying this one; like a ragdoll. I think she was unconscious," he said scrunching up his face in thought. "Anyway, I got this nasty cut from getting too close to some ripped metal on a ship. I need to be better about that," he said with a chuckle.

You barely heard what he was saying over your racing thoughts about Kylo holding this pretty girl. He had just held you like that last night; cuddled you close to his chest. How many other girls was he cradling in his arms?

Anger and jealousy bubbled lowly within you and you tried to push it down. You finished up the last of the small stitches and removed the needle making sure the wound was sealed correctly. Nodding your head in satisfaction, you grabbed some antibacterial ointment and lightly applied it to the wound. Zed carefully looked down at his now perfectly stitched up arm and smiled at you.

"Oh dang, that looks badass."

You lightly laughed at him as you reached for the gauze and started wrapping it around his arm slowly, and said, "Okay Zed, now you need to be careful to not split these stitches open," you said. "Just be extra cautious with it and come back tomorrow to get the bandaging changed, okay?"

He nodded and started to sit upwards as you finished wrapping up your handiwork on his arm. You stood up and walked over to the counter pulling off your gloves and mask and tossed them into the trash. You turned on the sink near you and started washing your hands and you could hear him move a bit to talk to you.

"Am I good to go then, Doc?" Zed asked looking at you while he was still sitting on the medical bed.

You started to open your mouth to speak, but there was a knock on the door and you both looked up at it. Damon stuck his shaggy head full of dark hair in and looked directly at you. Your face instantly flushed, and your heart began beating fast again. You quickly finished washing your hands and dried them on a nearby towel.

"Uh, yes Zed," you said nervously looking away from Damon. "Just check in at the front desk before you head out," you said while forcing a smile on your face.

He nodded as he stood up and then pushed past Damon out of the room. You turned back around to face the counter not wanting to make eye contact with and fumbled with equipment trying to distract yourself. Hearing his feet shuffle into the room, you stood frozen in place. He placed his hands on your shoulders and you whipped around swatting his hands away.

"Kid, don't be like that-"

"Like what? Moody?" you seethed at him. "I don't want to see you right now," you said as you turned back around towards the counter.

He huffed and grabbed your shoulders again and pulled you around to face him. You tried jerking out of his grip, but he held you still. He crouched down until his face was in front of yours. Grabbing your chin, he made you look up at him.

"Why? All because I signed you off to come back here?" he said with a sly grin.

You scoffed at him and pulled yourself out of his grip and crossed your arms over your chest, "Well yeah," you said puffing out your chest in exasperation. "And because you think you know what's best for me."

"Well, what if I do know what's best?" he asked leaning into you. You could smell his scent and it was doing a real good job of trying to reel you in- but you fought against it.

You rolled your eyes and leaned away from him against the counter, "You don't."

"Oh c'mon, what's with you?" he said scrunching up his face.

"What's with me? What about what's with you? You're the one being all touchy-feely."

"That's because I love you."

Did you just hear him right?

What about Kori?

Your heart stopped as your jaw dropped open as you looked up at him, "What?"

"Yeah, I love you, kiddo," he said reaching for your hand. "You're like a little sister to me."

Oh.

Of course, he would say that. You weren't even surprised. He didn't even think of you as an equal. He saw you as a little kid. You scoffed at him and walked around him to start cleaning up from the stitching job. Your anger towards him started to increase as you picked up the supplies and walked over to another counter across the room. Damon followed you over to it and leaned against the ledge looking directly at you.

"Why are you getting so upset right now?" he asked genuinely.

You slammed what you had in your hands down on the counter and looked at with him with a devilish look in your eyes, "Because I'm not some kid Damon!" you practically hissed at him. "I'm not some little baby you and Kori have to look after."

"I never said that-"

"You call me kid and kiddo constantly; do you know how degrading that is? Especially hearing it from someone you really care about. Someone like you?"

You covered your mouth in shock with what you had just admitted. Maybe he hadn't heard you fully. He shrugged his shoulders looking at you with wide questioning eyes. Based on his facial expressions, you knew he didn't think there was anything wrong with his nickname for you. And he obviously also didn't know how you actually felt about him.

"I didn't know you cared about me; not like that," he said quietly now looking down at his hands. 

You turned away from him feeling sadness and embarrassment creep up into you. So, he never knew- never knew how you felt. A frustrated groan left your lips as you closed your eyes trying to block out what was happening. You shook your head slightly and looked up at his strong face.

"I used to, yeah."

"Really? What changed?"

"Well, for starters, you started dating Kori," you said slowly trying not to let yourself get upset. "And then, I couldn't do anything about it."

"Why didn't you ever say anything?" he asked crossing his arms over his chest. "Like, before Kori?"

"What was I supposed to say?" you asked exasperated. "It would have never worked. The feelings weren't mutual. It's in the past and it doesn't matter now," you said pushing past him walking back to the other counter.

You tried to hide your flushing disappointed face as you were turned away from him. You now really felt like a little kid- one who had just gotten their heart broken by their childhood crush. Gripping the counter, you tried to stand up straight and look unbothered. There was a ping from Damon's datapad, and he grabbed it checking the notification.

"You're being summoned," he said blankly walking over to you. You turned around with confused look as he said, "You're wanted in the Generals medbay. As your supervisor, I'm supposed to let you know."

"Why?"

"I don't know, it doesn't say," he said shrugging his shoulders lightly. He set his datapad down on the counter and looked down at you as he sighed and said, "Guess you better get going then."

"Yeah, I guess so," you said looking up at him while grabbing your own datapad trying to not get emotional.

"Can we talk about this-"

"I'll see you around," you said walking towards the door avoiding him. You paused and turned back around, "Actually, Kori wants us all to get dinner tonight; so, I'll see you then."

He nodded as you pushed through the door and went into the hallway. You let out a huge sigh as you walked through the lobby and down the hallways of the base. You were still feeling hot and bothered about Kylo's pretty little prisoner and now felt all flustered after talking to Damon.

Why today, out of all days, did you decide to let your feeling slip out?

You grumbled as you got into the elevator that took you to the new floor. You walked straight through the medbay and into Room 3 feeling the familiarity of it. As usual, it was empty with no Commander in sight. You plopped yourself down on the couch as the emotions of before flooded over you.

Why summon you if he wasn't even going to show up?

You rolled your eyes in annoyance and you stood up and walked over to the door Kylo normally came through to enter the room. You wondered what was beyond the door. Curiosity got the better of you and you decided to open it and peek around, and you saw a dimly lit walkway. Deciding you wanted to check it out, you walked through the door shutting it behind you and moved through until it opened up to a massive living space.

You gasped as you glanced around the dark room in shock. There were luscious chairs and couches littered around a small low table that had neat books and maps on it. You slowly made your way into the room seeing that multiple doors led off of this area. Shock spread through you looking at how beautiful yet simple and clean the space was. You could probably fit multiples of your entire room in just this open area right now. Wandering further into the room, you admired the architecture within it as its harsh angles within gave it a modern sleek look.

It was probably Kylo's quarters- right?

That's why it was attached to his medical room- right?

You suddenly felt like you really shouldn't be in there, and you turned around quickly to head back to the room you were in. By the time you reached the doorknob, you heard the sound of heavy boots behind you and you stopped moving. You could hear the ragged mechanic breath behind you and goosebumps quickly covered your skin as fear crept through you. You turned around slowly to look up at the emotionless mask to say something, but you didn't get the chance. Kylo bent over and grabbed your waist and effortlessly threw you over his shoulder with a huff.

You gasped loudly and squealed as he gripped you, "Ah- what! Put me down!"

Blood rushed to your head as it hung down facing his large wide back and he spun around and walked towards a door leading off of the main room. He smacked your ass aggressively and you yelped in pain. Opening the door, he walked through it holding you on his broad shoulder with only one arm. You tried not to think of his strong arms that were wrapped around. You attempted to look around the new room you were in, but you were suddenly thrown onto a soft silk-covered piece of furniture and you sunk into it. Realizing it was a bed, you looked up at him as he panted in front of you.

"Kylo-"

"Quiet," he hissed at you.

He grabbed your ankles and yanked until your legs dangled off of the bed. You were gasping as he ripped your pants off of you swiftly. Blush burnt in your cheeks as he pulled your underwear off your legs grabbing your shoes and tossing them in the pile.

"What's going on-" you started to say both confused and scared.

"You're sleeping with another man?" he yelled at you forcing your legs open.

Scared shitless, you trembled back at him, "What? N-No, it's not like that."

"I saw you with him," he snarled as he flipped you over on your stomach.

"He's just my friend-" you sobbed back at him trying to scramble off the bed.

He yanked you back to him and spanked your ass as your whole body rocked in pain. It stung, but it also turned you on. Just being near him made your whole body feel drunk. You were putty in his hands, and no matter how hard you tried to deny how you felt, you couldn't stop the burning sensation building up in between your legs. He slapped you again harder and you yelled in pain, but along with the pain came a desire for him.

"You belong to me," he said with a menacing gust of air coming out of the mask that made him sound frightening.

You shuddered as he wiped his fingers up and down your exposed slit. You were already dripping just thinking about him near you, and with his touches, you were a complete mess. Moaning at him, you pushed your hips back into his touch.

"Look at you," he scoffed. "Already so wet for me," he said as he continued to massage you.

You started losing the ability to speak as he reached your sensitive clit and began toying with it driving you wild. He built up the pressure and you gasped as your hips buckled back desperate for more of his touch. You were downright terrified of him right now, but you couldn't deny how good he could make you feel.

"What do you want?" he spoke flatly making you wince.

You knew what he was asking, and embarrassment rushed over you; but you were under the control of his touch and he knew it. "Please Commander-" you said as your eyes rolled back, and you moaned.

He knelt down and shoved three fingers in you at once and you screamed in delight. He pumped in and out of you causing your whole body to shake. He leaned over and you felt his hardness press into your tender red cheeks. His chest was pressed against your back and his cold mask and harsh breath were in your ear making you shudder.

"Don't make me ask again," he said tucking the metal of the helmet into your neck as he stood back up and slapped your already sore ass again.

"Please fuck me, Commander, please make me cum," you whined now using your whole body to rock into his fingers.

Fabric ruffled behind you and he pulled his fingers out of you replacing them with his thick needy cock. He shoved his wet fingers covered in your juices into your mouth and you let out a muffled cry of agony as he filled you completely. He wasn't holding back as he removed his fingers once you had sucked them clean and he painfully gripped your hips beginning to ram himself into you. You yelped in pain as you squeezed his length causing him to hiss in pleasure.

"Who gets to fuck you, Red?" he snarled smacking your ass.

"You," you said arching your back making him go faster. "Only you, Commander."

He grabbed your hair roughly and pulled on it making you seethe in pain, but it also sent a shiver of pleasure through you. Your clit was throbbing to be touched but you didn't dare move in fear of what he would do. He continued to pump into you while groaning which sounded downright evil through the synthesized mask.

You were reaching your peak even without the extra attention on your nub and you cried out to him, "Please Commander, please let me-"

He pulled out of you before you could finish speaking and you screamed in protest. He grabbed your legs and flipped you over. Using his large gloved hand, he grabbed your throat causing you to gasp as the air left it. He pulled you upwards and then shoved your face down into his throbbing length.

"Suck," he commanded letting go of your neck.

Laying down on your stomach, you greedily wrapped your mouth around him and looked up at him wanting his approval. His head fell back as your tongue massaged his shaft. You bobbed your head up and down as best as you could trying to please him. He gripped your hair again and shoved you down until you were choking. He sniggered at your struggle and started a rhythm with his hips shoving them into you. You couldn't breathe as spit dripped out of your mouth and your jaw felt numb.

His whole body trembled as he let out a cry and your throat was filled with his hot salty cum. You sucked it down as you looked up into the cold hard mask. Once you swallowed him fully, he immediately tucked himself away and walked towards the door.

You furiously opened your mouth in shock, "What the hell?"

"We're done here," he said coldly as he opened the door.

"That's it? What the fuck Kylo?" you said crawling off of the bed and standing in front of him.

He angrily stepped over to you and said, "You have no right-"

"Max is just my friend!" you yelled at him feeling the red burn in your cheeks. Your unsatisfied clit was throbbing as you stood there in standing towards him, "Why are you being like this?"

"I'm leaving," he said as his robes flew through the doorway.

You followed him as a shiver ran through your bare legs, "You're the one parading a pretty girl all over the base," you snarled making him turn around.

"What?" he grumbled looking at you. "The scavenger?"

You threw your arms up in frustration, "Of course her! What are you doing with her?"

"She's a prisoner; nothing more," he said so lowly that you shivered in fear.

Your chest puffed with your heavy breaths as you crossed your arms and looked at the floor, "Well, then neither of us has anything to worry about," you said shuffling your feet.

Kylo stood there looking at you not saying anything. You felt a blush return to your cheeks as you looked up at him now. He almost blended into the darkness of the room; if the dim light wasn't there, you wouldn't be able to see him at all. Part of you wanted to run to him, rip off his mask, and kiss his perfect lips. The other part of you was scared of what he would do if you did.

He took a final look at you and turned on his heel and left his living space as the hatch shut with a loud snap behind him. You screamed in anger as you walked back to his bedroom to get your clothing.

What the hell was that?

He was being ridiculous.

Grumbling now, you slowly pulled on your clothing and shoes and dragged your sore body out of the room. You didn't want to be in there any longer and made your way back into Room 3 walking through the walkway leading you there.

You grabbed your datapad and exited that room too wanting to be as far away from here as possible. You shoved the door open into the empty medbay and saw the desk assistant standing at the desk in a panic. They were on the phone speaking quickly with someone in a loud scared tone. You walked up to them with a concerned look trying to get them to look at you.

"What's happened? What's going on?" you pleaded with them.

"A prisoner has escaped; the base is under attack!"


	17. You Heard Him Girl

There was a solid pounding ringing inside your head. A tightness began to completely consume you starting in your chest. No amount of air was enough to quench your dry lungs. The world seemed to be spinning and everything was crashing down all at once.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Chaos consumed your entire being as you stumbled trying to move through the room. You needed to move. Needed to get out of there. Your head was telling you the logical thing to do- go and get your patients. Your heart told you to save yourself and run into someone's strong safe arms and get the hell out of this place. But there was nothing or no one who could protect you now. All of the false feelings of security and safety that had kept you sane over the last two years was completely gone and replaced with fear. Dread. There was so much unknown.

Breathe in, breathe out.

There was a sharp and clear memory of you letting out a howling scream realizing what was happening. Prisoner escaping. Attack on the base. You didn't quite know how the two things were related, but you just had a feeling that they were. A haze fell over your mind as you somehow made it back to your medbay moving through hallways and doorways mindlessly. Blurs of gray were in front of you as they moved in and out of focus. Squinting your eyes, you tried to make out the commotion in front of you and it was pure insanity. Shouting- there was so much shouting. Who was shouting? You really didn't know. Numbly your body moved trying to push waiting patients out of the lobby and into the hallway. You grabbed hands, shoulders, arms, anything; trying to get people out. You had to get people out.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Words left your lips without you understanding what they meant as you assured patients that they would be alright. Would they be? You hoped so. There was a rumble that shook the floor causing screams. Mind racing you tried to comprehend what was happening but couldn't find an answer. All your body could think of doing was running to a corner and crouching down to hide. Hide away from this nightmare. Instead, it went on autopilot getting people out and moving. A familiar scent was near and you aimlessly reached out to grab it. It was strong and warm and held your hand back tightly. They pulled your entire body as your feet followed behind.

Breathe in, breathe out.

A gust of cold air hit your face as you walked through the double doors into the back of the medbay. The gray comforting blob in front of you was urging you along and you continued to follow willingly. It pulled you into a room and forced your head upwards. Your eyelids felt heavy and you were fighting to keep them open. Fighting to stay alert. You needed to stay alert. Your body shook as someone's hands were on your arms trying to bring you back to reality. As if a mist cleared from your vision, your eyes began to make out the shaggy dark hair and worried eyes looking at you.

"We need to get all patients out now," they were saying to you.

Nodding your head, you tried to focus your eyes. What was happening? Why was your mind playing tricks on you right now? You needed to be present. Needed to help people. Needed to help yourself. A match within you caught fire and you shook yourself awake.

Damon was helplessly trying to get you out of your trance with a tone of urgency. Your eyes fluttered and you snapped back into reality feeling a newfound sense of clarity. He was holding you, shaking you, trying to get you mobile.

"I'm here," you said breathlessly looking up at him trying to sound assuring.

A large sigh of relief left his chest as he pulled you into an embrace. He was muttering something about moving hospital beds to transporters and trying to get a much emergency medical equipment for the critical patients. Releasing you and crouching down, his glossy eyes stared into yours.

"We can do this," he said firmly.

"Yes," you said back trying to convince yourself. "Let's go."

The two of you filed out of the room and rushed towards the back. It was like your minds were connected and you were able to work together in harmony without needing to say anything. Moving together, you both started moving bedded patients out of their rooms and pushing them into the hallway. Instructing the med droids, you had them begin collecting supplies needed for the urgent patients and they scrambled around finding everything. A buildup of patients began in the hallway as people tried to shove their way past each other escaping the depths of the slowly collapsing base. Knowing this wasn't going to end well, you snapped your fingers getting Damon's attention. You pointed to the mess in the hallway and started walking over showing him that you were going over there.

With the loudest voice you could muster, you began yelling, "Single file! All mobile patients must form a single file line to exit the medbay."

Another rumble shook through the walls causing more fright and terror. You could hear shots being fired in the distance as more people cried out for help. Gathering up other medics, you formed a plan to move the majority of the patients now and getting them out of the way. Masses of people began leaving the bay being led by a handful of medics. Determination and adrenaline coursed through you as you sprinted back to Damon who was helping to move patients.

The floors began shaking and fear struck your being. You shoved it down along with your anxiety and got moving. There were loud sirens blaring and the lights flickered above you. Visibility was low and smoke started leaking into the room. Using your turtleneck to protect your lungs, you pulled it over your nose and continued working. The normally bright quiet lobby of the bay was now a scene, unlike anything you had ever witnessed.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Within minutes, more medics appeared to help move beds. Grabbing onto the back of a bed, you began pushing it out of the lobby. A wicked crack rang through the air as the room started falling apart. You looked around anxiously for Damon and huffed a breath of relief seeing his tall figure in the back. He had equipment slung over his back as he was pushing a bed. Blinking furiously to try and see what was happening, you used all the strength you could to maneuver the heavy bed through the lobby.

If you thought the medbay was bad, it was nothing in comparison to the outside hallway. People sprinted past you through the walkway littered with debris. The sirens were louder, and you could barely hear yourself think let alone the voices of anyone around you. Knowing you needed to get to the transporting shuttle immediately, you used the weight of your body and pushed the bed. The patient lying in it was still unconscious as their breathing ventilator sat in their lap. You hoped the machine would hold up and still pump oxygen into the patient during the move.

Walking through the hallways felt like a blur. One minute you were only rounding a corner, and the next you were already walking down the ramp to the transporter. You saw the masses of people waiting to exit and heard the panic in their voices. The docking bay was beginning to crumble, and screams pierced through the frozen air. A large transporter was landing as people ran attempting to board it. Knowing you needed to get on that transporter no matter what, you decided to shove your way through to make a path for the line medical beds being pushed behind you.

"Please! Make room! We have patients!" you yelled.

Your voice got drowned out in the whirlwind of shouts and pleas. The large ramp behind you have a loud creek as it began detaching itself from the base of the wall. People were running down it desperate to reach the departing ships. Continuing to yell, you pushed your way through the crowd and somehow found the strength to get the bed up the loading ramp and on the shuttle. Locking the wheels in place, you sprinted back down the ship's ramp to find more people that you could help.

Breathe in, breathe out.

The walls were shaking trying to hold their structure as they started to give away to the weight of their destruction. Anxiety shot through you while you scanned the area looking for Damon. He was just getting off of the large entry ramp as it tumbled to the ground with a loud thud. The impact of the fall caused him to collapse on the ground as the bed he was pushing got sent into the crowd. You let out a scream as you ran to him hoping you would get there in time.

You felt sick. Truly sick. This wasn't happening. Damon's leg was being crushed by the destroyed ramp and there was no way you could set him free. You got to his helpless figure and crouched down trying to pull his arms. Falling to the ground, you quickly stood back up trying again. You yelled in frustration as tears fought their way to your eyes. Batting them back, you tried again. And again. In a blur, you saw a hand reach down and pull on Damon's other arm to help pull him free. He slid out from the rubble and you let out a cry. Looking up, you saw Zed looking down at you. His fresh wound that you had just stitched on his arm had split open and it was bleeding everywhere. You gave him a grateful nod as he began dragging a helpless Damon towards the ship.

Breathe in, breathe out.

You ducked through the crowd to find the runaway patient bed and safely secured it. The relief of knowing Damon was okay flooded through you as even more energy burst through your veins. The base was falling, and you knew it was now or never if you wanted to get out of there alive. With all of your might, you pushed the bed up the ramp to the transporting shuttle and immediately fell to the ground once you were inside. On the floor of the ship, you laid there in exhaustion as you inhaled deeply trying to find air.

Rolling over, you saw blood everywhere. In every corner. On every person. Cries filled the air as the last of people filed into the shuttle. You could see the walls of the docking bay start crashing to the ground as the shuttle rumbled to life. The small loading ramp near you started rising up so the shuttle could depart. As it rose, you saw the faces of those who didn't make it to the ship on time. The last ship. The last hope. Their terrified faces burned into your memory as the ship began taking off.

The shuttle ride over to the Finalizer was terrible. Watching out of the window, you saw the entirety of Starkiller base explode into nothing. The base that once looked so large and intimidating, was now just particles floating out into space. You never really were attached to it, but you had called it home for the last two years of your life. Terror hit you as you realized you didn't know where Max was. Or Kori.

Or Kylo.

Trying to shove your feelings down, you did your best to assist injured people on board the shuttle for the ride over. Tending to the seriously injured, you were able to try and check with almost everyone on board. Damon was still unconscious lying on the ground and his leg looked pretty bad, but you knew he would be okay. You could see the Finalizer come into view and you felt like you could breathe again. Kind of.

Max. Kori. Kylo.

Fear. Worry. Your vision became foggy again.

Breathe in, breathe out.

You shut your eyes as the shuttle rumbled to a stop as it docked on the Finalizer. In what felt like slow motion, the ramp lowered, and people began pouring out of it. There were countless medics waiting in this docking bay ready to help and assist people on board. You started pushing a bed down the ramp and into the crowd of people below. In a blur, you saw a tall head of shiny brown hair run past you and turning around you saw Madison running up onto the shuttle. Happiness hit you as you realized you would get to be with her and Jerry again.

You followed the crowd of people and started heading towards the medbay. Thankfully, you remembered where it was since you were last here and got there quickly. The next few moments felt unreal as you pushed through to an overcrowded medbay. Jerry stood in the middle of the chaotic room directing patients here and there and you ran up to him. He looked down at you startled, but then immediately hugged you.

"I'm so glad you made it out," he huffed as he held you close.

Your heart filled with emotions as you hugged him back, "Me too."

"Can you head back to the docking bay to help move patients in here?" he asked quickly as he let go of you.

"Of course, Doc," you said nodding as you exited the lobby swiftly.

Max. Kori. Kylo.

There was an announcement playing over the sound system, but you ignored it as you ran through the hallways. These hallways had fewer people in them, and you took that as a good sign as you made your way to the bay. The ramp down to the bay was in sight and you sprinted to get there. Trying not to trip over your own feet, you got down to the floor and looked around. There were still many people milling around trying to help as TIE fighters and other small ships began docking as well.

You saw a group of people gathered around trying to move something, or someone. Moving over towards them, you saw that they were trying to lift Damon's still unconscious body onto a stretcher. By the time you reached them, his body was up, and you felt a breath escape you that you didn't know you had been holding in. A member of the small crowd turned around and yelled in surprise when seeing you.

Moving your eyes to meet their gaze, you saw a tearful Max sprinting to you holding his arms out. You couldn't hold back your emotions anymore as sobs racked your body and you practically leaped towards his embrace. He collided into you and held you close petting your hair and crying into your shoulder. You grabbed onto the fabric of his uniform tightly trying to really tell yourself that he was here. He was alive. He was alright.

"I'm so glad you're okay," he hummed into you holding you close.

"I was scared I'd never see you again," you sobbed into his chest. The two of you stood there holding each other as you cried in sweet relief.

Kori. Kylo.

You snapped up from the embrace and looked at him, "I need to find Kori."

He grabbed your face, "I'm sure she's okay. It might take a while until you can find her."

"But I need-"

"There's only so much you can do right now," he said softly stroking your hair. "We'll find her."

You nodded hoping he was right as you held him close to you. Flashes of the bay crumbling down, the littered and smoke-filled hallways, and the ramp collapsing filled your mind and you tried to ignore the intense feeling in your gut.

"Have you seen the Commander anywhere?" you asked suddenly looking around the bay.

"No, I don't think his shuttle has landed yet."

"What!" you nearly screamed scanning the bay again.

No. No. No.

It couldn't be true. He was so strong. He had to be alive. Right?

Breathe in, breathe out.

As if the galaxy heard you, a rumbling noise filled the air and you looked up to see a final shuttle landing in the bay. The Command shuttle. You wanted to sprint up to it, but you knew you should wait. Panic got the best of you as your body tore away from Max's and got to the landing shuttle. Shaking now, you stood in front of it as the ramp slowly lowered itself down. Troopers ran down and out along with a moody looking General with fire-red hair. Behind him, there was a stretcher that held a mass of black robes.

It had to be him.

Once the stretcher wheels hit the ground you sprinted up to it so see a very bloody Kylo lying there barely awake. The General whipped around and began yelling at you as the troopers stopped walking to see what was happening.

"Get away girl," he sneered. "Commander Ren needs immediate medical attention, step away."

You turned towards him with a look that could kill plastered on your face, as you said, "Well it's a good fucking thing I'm a medic!"

The General looked at you up and down considering you as he then rolled his eyes, "Very well, follow us girl."

You scoffed at his rude attitude as the troopers continued pushing the stretcher towards the ramp leading to the hallway. You gripped onto the sides of it while you trembled and looked down at a maskless Kylo. He had a bloody wound on the lower left side of his torso that you guessed was probably from a blaster. Looking into his face, it was covered in blood as a large gash ripped down the right side of his beautiful face. Your breath caught looking at how it started from above his left eyebrow and split diagonally across his face. It didn't stop there and traveled down his neck onto his chest. His attire was torn and destroyed and looking at him made you want to whimper in fear. He was seething in pain but trying not to make any noise.

Breathe in, breathe out.

You tried to grab his gloved hand in your small bloody one as you sped alongside him through the hallways, but everything was moving too fast. He lazily blinked his eyes turning his head to face you. Gazing into his deep brown eyes, they bore into yours as they were filled with pain.

Quiet enough so the people around couldn't hear, you mumbled to him, "I'm here, everything will be okay."

He blinked again trying to focus his eyes on you. Almost running along with the stretcher now, you shoved your hand in his as you helped push it along. His hand was still warm, and his fingers fumbled around slowly. Looking ahead, you saw that the troopers were bringing him to a medbay you hadn't been to before. There was a pain in your hand, and you looked down only to realize that Kylo was gripping your hand. Your breath caught and your heart fluttered seeing him actually holding your hand. A tear slid down your face as you looked into his fearful eyes.

The stormtrooper and nasty General burst through double doors that led to a sparkling clean bay that reeked of sanitation solution. You followed along still holding Kylo's hand as you pushed through to an empty room. There were medics in there ready to work and they quickly started moving around the bed. The stretcher stopped moving and they seamlessly moved him out of it and onto a new medical bed as your hand left his grip. Looking at him lying there helpless, you clutched your chest as worry spread through you.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Looking around the room, you identified a pile of masks and gloves that you could use. If you wanted to help him, you needed to move now. Looking down at your scrubs, you winced knowing that they weren't clean enough to help work on his wounds. Your mind raced thinking of what you could do to help him right now.

"Red," Kylo's raspy voice called to you.

You ran over to him and leaned in close, "Yes? What is it?" you said breathlessly looking at him.

"Get out."

No. No. No. Why?

"What?" you said in shock staring down at him.

"You heard him, girl," the General said wickedly behind you. "Leave."

Your breath hitched in your throat as you looked down at him. Pain and embarrassment flooded your face as you felt your cheeks burning. You looked at Kylo straight in the eyes. He blinked and then turned his head away from you. Before you could do or say anything, someone had grabbed your arm and pulled you out of the room.

Gasping in pain, you looked up to see who brought you out; the damn General. You remembered Kori had told you about some crabby red-headed General who was always bossing people around in the Command Center. General Hux was his name you remembered.

"Leave girl, go back to your actual job," he said sourly looking at your bloody clothing.

You opened your mouth to speak, but Hux turned back around and went back into the room. Standing there, you grabbed the wall for support.

What was happening?

Your breathing increased as your heart felt like it was going to burst out of your chest. He didn't want you in there. He didn't want you. Feeling like you had been slapped in the face, you numbly started to walk out of the bay. The world seemed to stop as you felt tears spill down your cheeks. 

How could you be so stupid?

He had just shown you in his quarters about how he truly felt about you. He didn't want you. He only wanted to use you. Nothing more. Reality hit you smack in the face and it hurt. A lot. Dread filled you as your body took you through the hallway. You stood frozen.

Kori.

You needed to find her. Needed to know she was okay.

How the hell were you going to find her? You barely knew your way around this ship, so how would you be able to find one specific person? Especially now that you didn't have your datapad. A voice filled in over the loudspeakers and you stood to listen intently.

"All transfer employees must report to their Supervisors immediately. This is mandatory for a body count. I repeat, all transfer employees must report..."

You drowned out the voice knowing you needed to go find Doc and check in with him properly. You also wanted to see Madison. And Damon. Somehow, your feet took you to the other medbay and you pushed open the doors slowly.

Emotion drained out of you as the events of the day came crashing down on you. You had never been so physically and emotionally exhausted. Scanning the room, you found Doc holding a datapad as people were checking in with him. You got in line and waited. Your thoughts were racing as you stood there. Finally getting your turn with him, you walked up and he gave you a sad smile.

"You're all checked in," he said softly. "You should go find your friend in the back."

Breathe in, breathe out.

Nodding your heavy head, you shuffled past him sticking your head in various rooms looking for Damon. It was busy but things had started calming down as medics who had checked in were getting to work. The thought of working right now made you want to vomit.

You heard a deep yell of pain and instantly knew it was Damon. Rushing into the room, you saw him lying there on a bed writhing in pain. Getting to him, you grabbed his hand and pulled his face to make him look at you. His eyes were pooled with water as tears dripped down his face. Looking down at his leg, you saw it had already been in the process of being mended. Why was he crying over that? They probably had already given him pain meds.

"Damon," you said snapping back to look at him, "What is it? Is it your leg?"

He shook his head quickly as more tears fell down his cheeks. Panic coursed through you.

"What? What's wrong?" you said as fear rose in your voice.

"T-The Command Center," he started and choked on a sob. "On base..." his voice trailed as he tried to gasp for air in between his sobs. "Destroyed," he cried out.

Destroyed?

Well yeah, the whole fucking base was completely destroyed.

"Damon-" you started sounding confused.

He reached for your hands, and mumbled, "No survivors."

"What?"

He took a deep shaky breath in trying to calm himself down and looked at you, "They just got word- the whole c-command center blew up. N-No one survived. No one who was working there has ch-checked in."

Your heart dropped through your chest as you fell to the floor.

Oh, gods why.

How?

"What if, what if she got out?" you said gasping for air staring at the ground.

"She didn't," Damon softly said as he continued to cry.

No. Why? This couldn't be real.

Kori.

"She might have," you said trying to convince yourself as your chest began to tighten. She had to be okay. Kori was okay. No. No. No. Why? You had just seen her this morning. She had just hugged you this morning. Finally apologized to you this morning.

"No, she's dead."

The room was spinning, and your head hit the ground you were already on with a thud. Everything went fuzzy and you let out a scream. No. How?

Your big sister.

You couldn't- no you wouldn't believe that it was true.

As you laid there on the cold hard floor, your body curled up. Denial spread over you. Hopelessness. Fear. Doubt. Grief. All of the emotions sped through you at once.

Rocking your body back and forth on the ground, you cried realizing that it had to be true. They wouldn't be telling people the entire center was destroyed and there were no survivors if someone had made it out.

She was gone.


	18. I’ve Seen All of You

The cold floor numbed your red tear-stained cheeks and eventually, your entire body was cold. It felt nice. Calming. Soothing even. How long did you lay there? You weren’t sure. A deep voice was calling out your name softly somewhere above you, but you ignored it. Clutching your knees tightly to your chest, you rocked back and forth slowly. Soft hands were on your arms trying to roll you over to face them. At first, you fought against the arms pulling at you, but a wave a sadness washed over you and you gave in.

This pain, you had felt it before.

Abandonment. Loneliness. Feeling lost.

They were hard emotions to process and your mind didn’t know what to do with it. Oh, you definitely had felt these feelings before, just under very different circumstances. Your parents had done this to you. They had done this to you and Kori. They abandoned you, left you, stopped caring about you both. You never found out where they had gone, but you had known that they weren’t ever coming back.

When they first left, it was fun just being with Kori, and then things started to get serious. She not only had to raise herself but also you. They were lonely times, hard times, not great times. As you grew older, instead of appreciating the help she gave you, you started to hate her for it. Kori was smart, beautiful, organized, she had her whole goddamn life together and yours felt like it was in shambles. Even though she was only two years older than you, it felt like she knew everything, and you knew absolutely nothing. And even though she went through the same bad shit that you did, she somehow handled it all better.

You never really grieved your parents leaving, you just shoved the emotions down deep inside of you and hoped to get over it at some point. That’s why you ended up doing the things that you did when you were younger. You wanted to get as far away from Kori as possible. Didn’t want to be around her anymore. She felt suffocating. She was suffocating you, or so you thought. Throughout school you wanted to straighten yourself out; but you did reckless things, stupid things, things you regretted. You slept around, didn’t go to class, and stopped caring about yourself.

You had dug yourself into a hole but couldn’t seem to find your way out of it.

A hard smack of reality made you realize that if you didn’t get your shit together, you weren’t ever going to become the person you wanted to be. You didn’t want to become your parents. So, you stopped being stupid and started figuring things out for once.

Laying here, now, on your cot, your mind raced thinking of everything you had ever lived through. All you could do now was think of the past and how that brought you to this fucked up future you were currently in.

At some point, someone had carried you to your cot from the medbay floor because you wouldn’t move out of it yourself. They had changed you out of your bloody gross scrubs and you were now in soft loose clothing. There was probably some sedative or something that had been given to you because you miraculously slept throughout the night; well most of it. You woke up in a quick panic screaming your head off while in a cold sweat. Max’s soft whispers calmed you down and lulled you back to sleep some hours later. In the morning, you didn’t move. You just stared at the nearby plain grey wall not saying anything. The guilt you felt was immense, and it was controlling every fiber of your being.

And you let it completely consume you.

This went on for a few days. Not eating, not moving, not speaking. Just lying there, in a cold and uncomfortable cot with a blanket wrapped around you. Nothing anyone said made you feel better. How could you feel better? You couldn’t. Every night, the nightmares came. Images of what Kori must have looked like as she took her last breath.

Images of the terror you saw in people’s eyes as they realized they wouldn’t get off the base in time. Images of Kylo’s bloody face and wounded body. Images of the large ramp crashing down and almost killing Damon. Images of the entirety of the base exploding into nothingness.

They felt so real, like you were reliving them. Over and over again.

It was a constant wheel of flashbacks and it was torturous. It made you scared to fall asleep.

Max would sit in front of your cot looking at you while gently stroking your hair trying to get you to eat. He would try and get you to talk to him or move; just do something. He was trying so hard and you still didn’t budge; solid as stone. You knew he was hurting; everyone was hurting. But you couldn’t find the strength in you to do anything about it. Madison would rotate with him and also try to get you to eat or drink something. You refused them both like a stubborn child.

What was the point? Nothing mattered anyways.

After this went on for far too long, Jerry came to visit your cot and basically told you that if you ever wanted to work in his bay again, you had to start doing something for yourself. An anxious Max and Madison stood nearby hopeful that you would listen to him. Looking into his concerned eyes, you stared back blankly not saying anything. The pain you felt inside of you was still as fresh as the day that it all happened.

You wanted to wallow in your self-pity. Wanted to lay there and make your mind as blank as possible.

Wanted to forget.

Instead of doing what he asked, you rolled over facing away from him not saying a word. He let out a disappointed sigh and left you. Max and Madison both ran down next to you trying to get you to reconsider what you were doing. Reconsider what this would mean for the future.

You didn’t care.

You had no energy to do anything. You felt like you were withering away in that damn cot and you accepted it. Why did it matter anyway? There was no point to anything anymore.

After another eventful night of wicked night terrors, you couldn’t fall asleep the rest of the night, so you just laid there staring at the ceiling. In the morning, you drifted off, but you then woke up to a large figure sitting at the edge of your cot. It was Damon fresh from his medical bed and he looked down at you with pity and disgust in his eyes.

“Kid, what the fuck are you doing?” he said as his eyes bore into yours. “I knew it was bad based on what Max has been telling me, but this is ridiculous.”

Hurt and anger crossed your face as you stared back at him. You opened your mouth, but no words came out.

“You’re being really selfish right now, you know that?” he asked scooting closer to you. “Kori wouldn’t want this for you, you’re so much better than this,” he said gesturing to you lying there.

“I don’t care-”

“That’s bullshit and you know it. Stop fooling yourself,” he said now glaring at you. Pointing down to his leg that was wrapped in bandaging, he looked back at you, “You think I haven’t been suffering too? You think you’re the only one in pain right now? Everyone is hurting right now. We need you,” he said softening his words at the end. “We need you in that bay. Your friends need you. Please, let us help you.”

An overwhelming sense of emotion that had been trapped within you suddenly burst as you listened to his words. Looking as his face, you knew he was serious. And hearing it from him made a switch flip within you. With the little strength that you had left, you moved your hand slowly and rested it on top of his. He took this as a good sign and let out a large sigh of relief. As if on cue, Max swept in and scooped you up in his arms as if you weighed nothing; and maybe at this point that was true. You clutched onto him as he carried you over to the showers.

He gently let your body to the ground and helped you into the shower after undressing you. Madison was in there waiting for you with the shower already running and soap at the ready. They both gave you reassuring smiles as they helped you shower. If you cared more, you would have been embarrassed that they had to help you; but at this point, you were too numb to give a fuck. They washed and cleaned you off while you stood there like a helpless child not moving. When they were done, they pulled on new clean clothes for you and brushed your snarled hair out as you sat and stared at yourself in the mirror. The skin on your face was shallow and sunken in. Your eyes looked drained, exhausted, sad.

You hardly recognized yourself.

“Thank you,” you mumbled softly to them and they both stopped to look at you. “I-I’m sorry for…” your voice trailed off as it got stuck in your throat.

Max instantly crouched down and held your face in his hand, “Stop, it’s okay. I’m here because I love you and I care about you,” he said rubbing slow circles on your back with his other hand.

You hiccupped and fell into his arms and he held you, “I love you too.”

Madison stood behind the two of you, “I’m also here because I care,” she said calmly as she bent down to join the hug. “Also, because I need you to get your ass back in the medbay ASAP,” she said with a chuckle.

You lightly laughed as you brushed away a tear that fell out of your eye. How could you have let yourself go this bad? They helped you leave the showers and it was a lot harder than you thought it would be. Your body was frail and weak after not moving or taking care of it for who knows how long. They coaxed you into eating something, even if it was just a little bit. You sat there in your cot staring at Damon, Max, and Madison sitting around you as they told you all about everything that had been happening.

They told you how the entire First Order was now on high alert since the base had been destroyed. The Resistance was behind the attack on the base. You tried to keep your thoughts neutral but knowing that they were the reason that Kori was gone, it made you start to resent them. A lot. You still didn’t want to pick a side, but now it felt dumb to not pick the First Order. Over the next few days, you grew stronger and started moving around more. Although you tried not to, you couldn’t help but start to really hate the Resistance. You didn’t necessarily think one side was wrong and the other was right in their thinking, but you were definitely leaning towards the side who was keeping you alive right now.

You’d be stupid not to.

Wanting to go back to some normalcy, you had asked Doc if you could go back to working soon. He had told you that you still weren’t stable enough and that he needed you to recover from your grief more before he could trust you with patients. At first, you were upset, but eventually, you understood. This meant that you just waited around most of the day just hanging out. Hanging out thinking. Thinking about everything.

You tried not to think of Kylo- but it was impossible not to.

He had just waltzed into your life and turned it upside down so quickly that you never had the time to understand what was happening. It’s not like you had a relationship with him. It’s not like you even knew anything about him. But he was the first person you had been with in a long time. You didn’t want any more meaningless flings like you had during school. Now, you only wanted to be with someone that you cared about. And someone who cared about you.

But did you care about Kylo?

Obviously, since you kept thinking about him. You had absolutely no idea how he truly felt. Let alone if he cared about you at all. If he just wanted to be fuck buddies, you were fine with that. It’s not like you would get attached to him by doing that- right? You hadn’t seen him in what felt like ages and you missed being around him; as much as you hated to admit it. The way he commanded everyone’s attention in a room was intoxicating. He instilled fear in everyone he was around, and yet, you weren’t afraid of him.

You tried to shove him out of your mind, but you still dreamt about him. Well, you had nightmares about him when he had gotten hurt. He had looked so fearful laying in that bed, and you wanted nothing more than to help him. And yet, he turned you away. Made you leave. You didn’t know why and tried not to fixate on it. Keyword- tried.

Over the next couple of days, you got yourself into a routine. After a restless night of tossing and turning, you’d get ready for your day of waiting around the Finalizer. Starting it off, you’d get breakfast with Damon, Max, and Madison. Then you’d hang out with Damon since he wasn’t back at work either. When you both started getting bored of that, you decided to start roaming around the ship together. Last time you were here, you were a bit too preoccupied to be able to see the ship in its entirety.

Now that you could, you were amazed at how complex it was. The ship was huge and had many long and confusing hallways. They all looked the same with geometric dark walls that were always sparkling clean. Damon got bored of that quickly, but you liked exploring. You were able to find the training center and decided you should probably start going there to try to build your strength back up; even though you’d rather do pretty much anything else.

One morning at breakfast, Madison piped into the conversation with excitement, “So, Doc said you and Damon can start back at work tomorrow!”

A smile spread over your face, “Really? Thank the gods, I was getting so bored!”  
Damon chuckled, “Bored of me already kid?”

“Oh, definitely,” you snickered back at him. “You’re such a boring person to be around.”

Max joined in with the teasing, “Honey, you’ve always been a bit boring, don’t take it too hard,” he said with a mocking hand on Damon’s shoulder.

Rolling his eyes, he took Max’s hand off of him and looked at you, “Well, Kori helped me be a bit more exciting. She did really add some spice to our lives,” he said as a soft smile fell over his face.

“She really did,” you said softly looking down at your food.

“I wish I could have met her,” Madison said looking at the three of you with sadness in her eyes.

“We’ll tell you all about her someday,” Damon said cracking a smile.

“Yeah, I have lots of fun stories about her,” you said smiling now too.

It felt nice to talk about Kori in a lighter tone. For so long, it felt like you could only think of the bad times and what led to her death. Now, you got to reminisce and remember all the good times you did have with her.

“I can’t wait,” Madison said with a cheery smile. “Oh, and you can go pick up your new datapads today,” she said directly to you and Damon.

“Oh, thank the gods again!” you said clapping your hands in excitement. “Now I don’t have to wander around this place like a mindless fool.”

They all laughed at your comment as they finished up their food. You had shown Damon the training center, and now that his bandaging was off, he decided to go check it out. Since you were feeling lazy, you told him you’d check it out later. Instead, you decided to go pick up your datapad. You were excited to have one again. It felt like an extension of you, and not having one only added to the strangeness of being in a new place for so long.

Wandering down the empty halls, you smiled at yourself thinking of breakfast. You felt like you had a family again. Damon and Max already loved Madison as much as you did and the four of you were now together constantly. Held together by loss, you stuck with each other, and it worked out well.

Following the directions Madison had given you the room you needed to go to, you gently pushed on the black door and it swung open easily. The small room was empty except for containers full of new datapads. You walked in swiftly over to a box and reached down to grab one. Lifting it up, you noticed it was a newer model and smile spread over your face. The door opened up behind you and you turned around and instantly jumped at the sight.

The Commander stood there with the door shut behind him staring at you. Holding the datapad tightly to your chest, you stared back at him with shock. He looked the same- unsurprisingly. His black cape flowed slowly behind him from the breeze in the room as he looked as frightening as ever. You gulped and looked down at your feet not sure if you should say something or not. Hearing his boots move, you looked up to see that he had moved towards you. Staring into the blank mask, you saw nothing; you only heard his soft breaths coming in and out of the mask.

Well, this was fucking awkward.

“Red,” he said greeting you finally.

“Commander,” you said shortly back to him.

Neither of you moved or said anything, you just stood there staring into each other’s eyes. A blush crept into your face and you quickly tried not to think of him.

“I better get going,” you said taking a step forward.

He matched your step moving in closer to you, now only a few feet away from you. Inhaling deeply, you took another tentative step forward and he did the same as he held his hands at his sides staring intently at you.

“Well, I’m glad you’re doing alright,” you said trying to fill the silence.

“Are you?” he asked in a flat questioning tone.

“I guess,” you said looking down again.

Wow, this was going really well.

He took another step towards you and was now within arm’s reach of you. Your breath quickened with his close presence and you felt your heart begin beating faster. You looked up and frowned wishing you could see his face.

“Well, like I said,” you said slowly, “I should get going.”

You took a step and walked around him heading for the door. He turned around to watch you leave. He said nothing as you reached for the door and opened it. You turned around and looked at him. He stood as still as ever as if waiting for you to say more.

“Okay, bye then,” you said as you turned and left.

What the hell was that all about?

The tension in between the both of you could have been cut with a knife. Shrugging your shoulders, you headed back to your cot and tried not to think about it. But it ended up bugging you for the rest of the day, and by the time people were getting ready to go bed, you felt super antsy about it. You told Max you were going to the training center to let off some steam. He was worried, since the last time you went alone it hadn’t ended well, but you assured him you’d be fine.

Finding the room with ease, you settled into walking around the track. Memories of being on base after Kori and Damon’s party flashed through your mind, but you ignored them and tried to enjoy yourself. Enjoy is a strong word- it’s not like working out was fun. You despised it. But it helped with your anxiety. Plus, the shower afterward always felt nice.

You walked and jogged around it until your chest felt a little lighter and decided to head back. Building up a sweat, you headed for the showers and instantly loved the feeling of the cool water on your warm skin. Someone usually waited for you outside of the showers to make sure you didn’t slip and fall, since you still weren’t quite as strong, but you felt fine now.

Humming to yourself, you scrubbed your body down enjoying the fruity lather the soap produced. You were almost done when you heard the door to the showers open. There usually weren’t a lot of people in here at this hour, but then again, you were still getting used to being on this new ship.

There was a ruffle of fabric and you looked below your shower curtain and saw a pair of black boots. Before you could do or say anything, the curtain was ripped back, and you let out a small scream. Kylo stood there fully clothed as he held the curtain open with one arm. You tried to cover up your wet naked body but weren’t having great success. The water continued to pour down on you and was now lightly splashing against his boots.

“What the hell Kyl- Commander?”

“Oh stop, I’ve seen all of you,” he said slowly letting go of the curtain.

Continuing to try and cover your exposed body, you glared up at him, “What do you want? Now’s not a great time,”

“I hear you’re going back to work.”

How the hell did he know that?

“Uh, yeah. I start tomorrow,” you said not sure where he was going with this. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“You need a good night of sleep,” he said folding his hands behind his back.

Confused as ever, you gawked at him, “Yeah, I guess. What does that have to do with you?”

He let out a low chuckle, “You will sleep in my quarters.”

“What?”

“Did I stutter?”

“No,” you said with your eyebrows scrunched up. “But why? I don’t get it.”

“Must you need an explanation to everything?” he asked tilting his masked head to the side.

“Uh, yeah. Have you met me?”

“Very funny.”

“I don’t even know where to go,” you said leaning back staring up at him.

“I will send directions to your datapad,” he said taking a step towards you.

You shrunk against his tall clothed presence in contrast to your small naked one, “Um, okay.”

He reached out and grasped your face and slowly began rubbing his gloved thumb over your lips. You trembled under his warm touch and wanted to melt into him, but you stood straight still trying to cover yourself.

With that, he stepped back suddenly and closed the curtain to cover you again. You could hear his loud footsteps leaving the room as the door shut behind him. Finishing up your shower, you were wracking your brain trying to figure out what game he was playing at.

This had to be a game, right?

The idea of sleeping in an actual bed sounded really nice though. And you would definitely need a good night of sleep before your first shift back. Deciding to say fuck it, you left the shower with your pj's on and a towel wrapped around your wet hair. You paddled over to your cot trying not to make any noise. You grabbed your datapad and your scrubs you would need for tomorrow as you tried to smooth your wet hair down. Max rolled over in the cot next to yours and sat up immediately looking at you.

“What’s wrong? Where are you going?” he asked in a hushed tone.

“Um,” you said not sure if you should tell him or not. Swallowing the spit in your throat, you blushed as you looked back at him sheepishly, “I’m having a sleepover with the Commander.”

He let out a gasp as he reached for your hand, “Girl, what!”

“I don’t know, but I feel like I have to go, you know?” you said crouching down next to him.

“Okay, but be careful,” he said pulling you close to him. “No more bloody heads and bruises- or I’ll beat him up.”

You giggled as you stood up, “Everything will be fine,” you said releasing yourself from his grip. “I’ll see you tomorrow and fill you in.”

“You better, otherwise I’ll beat you up.”

You shook your head as you started moving towards the exit. He stared at you while you left and then laid back down. Looking down at the message on your datapad, you tried to navigate the halls to Kylo’s quarters. The room seemed to be on the opposite end from you- of course. It took a while, but you finally ended up outside of a room with a large hatch opening. Standing in front of it, you stood there awkwardly looking around.

Was it going to open for you? Did you have to knock?

After a couple of minutes, you decided to knock but right as lifted your hand to do so, the hatch flew open. You gasped when you saw the large dimly lit room behind the door. Stepping inside slowly, you looked around amazed at the sight. It was similar to his quarters back on base, except a bit smaller. It had the same type of gorgeous furniture and dark details speckled throughout. You spun around slowly trying to take in all of the room.

“You came.”

You spun back around and looked up at a maskless Kylo standing across the room. The breath in your throat caught as you took him in. The gash in his face was repaired and was now covered with a dark thin line of bandaging that trailed from his cheek down his neck. His hair looked as soft as ever as it sat perfectly on his head framing his strong face. His pink lips were slightly parted as he stared at you. His deep dark eyes searched yours as you stared back speechlessly.

He looked downright beautiful.

“Of course,” you said breathlessly trying to ignore the hot flush in your cheeks as your heart skipped a beat.

“Red,” he said as he began to turn around gesturing to the door behind him through the hallway, “Come here.”


	19. You’re Not Scared?

Looking around his quarters tentatively, you bit back a smile as you walked over to Kylo slowly. You reached his side as he towered over you and he walked ahead towards a door. You followed behind him curiously and stepped through the doorway. A large silk covered bed sat in the middle of the room and you stopped to stare looking around to see what else was in there. It was pretty bare except for a dresser next to the closet and a door leading off towards what you assumed was his shower.

He stopped walking and turned around to face you while crossing his arms behind his back. His face was stoic and expressionless as he stood there and waited. Your face was flush as you eyed the floor avoiding his gaze.

“You will sleep here.”

“Oh,” you said looking up as his blank face. “Well, where will you sleep?”

“That’s none of your concern,” he said flatly.

“Um, okay then,” you said slowly as you took a step towards the bed.

He gave you a quick nod and walked past you as his cape brushed against you sending shivers through your body. You turned to watch his large figure leave the room and you turned back around towards the bed. It looked so soft and inviting.

Setting your scrubs and datapad on the dresser that was against the wall, you walked over to the bed. Reaching down, you pulled the black covers back and slipped underneath them. You sunk down into the bed instantly and it felt heavenly in comparison to your cot. Inhaling the scent that lingered on the sheets, you shut your eyes trying not to think of how strange this all was.

What was he playing at?

None of it made sense.

Even though the bed was soft and hugged your body perfectly, you just couldn’t get comfortable enough knowing Kylo wasn’t sleeping. The sheets were cold against both your skin and your still damp hair and you shivered wishing you could warm up.

It would be real nice if a brooding hot man was lying in the bed with you.

Sitting up in the bed, you glanced around the dark room. Just looking at it brought a calmness over you. Right now, though, you felt more awake now than you had earlier in the day.

Deciding you didn’t want to try to sleep right now, you pushed away the covers and climbed out of the large bed and walked out of the door and down the hallway. You weren’t sure if Kylo was even still in the quarters, but you wanted to at least try and find him. Walking around the corner from the short hallway, you looked around the large space until you saw him standing across the room staring out the massive windows that cast a dull light from the stars across his scarred face. Standing as still as ever, he stood there deep in thought with his hands still behind his back as solid as ever.

Against your better judgement, you walked over to him until your body was in line with his facing out towards the stars. The sight before you out into the nothingness of the galaxy was beautiful and you tried to take it all in. He didn’t move as you turned to look up as his unwavering face opening your mouth to speak.

“Do you ever sleep?”

He said nothing as he gazed out of the dark windows, then after a while, he turned his head slightly to you blinking his long lashes, “Do you?”

Taken aback, you stared into his questioning eyes, “Yeah, every night.”

“Until the nightmares start, right?” he asked turning his body slightly to face you more directly.

Great- so he was still reading your mind.

Even while you slept.

“Yeah, until they start,” you said blinking softly looking away from him.

He took a step towards you, “You have nightmares about me,” he said plainly. “Why?”

A blush crept over your cheeks and you shuffled your feet nervously and shrugged your shoulders avoiding his intent gaze, “I-I don’t know.”

“Hm.”

You rubbed your hands together as you looked up at him now and saw he was surveying you and taking in your small body. You trembled and tried to not think about him looking at you like that. Tried not to think about how close he was to you now. Which was damn near impossible since you could reach out and touch him if you wanted to.

“I keep dreaming about when you told me to leave you-” you started saying.

“I know.”

“Why did you make me leave, after you got hurt?” you said quietly trying to not let your emotions get the best of you. “I was only trying to help…”

He took a small step towards you, “I didn’t want you to see that.”

You opened your mouth in protest, “I’m a medical professional Kyl- Commander Ren, and I’ve seen much worse than that,” you huffed at him crossing your arms over your chest. “It’s going to take a lot more than that to scare me away from you.”

There was a flash of emotion that crossed his eyes as he tilted his head slightly looking directly at you, “You’re not scared?”

Heat spread throughout your entire body as you shook your head no still crossing your arms in front of you with your chest puffed out.

He leaned down until his mouth was next to your ear, “Maybe you should be,” he huffed as you shivered against his hot breath.

This little bitch knew exactly what he was doing to you. He knew the control he had over your body.

Well, two can play at this game.

Your heart beat faster as he stood back up straight as a smirk crossed his face. Without thinking, you uncrossed your arms and reached up to touch his upper left arm and he flinched but didn’t move away. Moving even closer to him you trailed your hand up his big strong bicep which flexed underneath your touch and you moved up to his wide shoulder. His mouth was open, and he was breathing faster as he looked at you unsure of what you were doing.

“Well, Commander,” you said in a hushed sultry tone as you began to trace small circles on his shoulder joint. With a quick movement, you pushed down on his shoulder injury with your thumb and he winced, “Maybe you’re the one who should be afraid.”

He didn’t say anything as you released his shoulder and turned to walk back towards the bedroom. You could hear his footsteps following you back to the bedroom.

Hook, line, and sinker.

You walked to the bed and began to climb back into it slowly before you felt his hands grab your ankles. Your body froze as he slowly pulled you towards him and flipped you over on to your back to face him. Your breath caught as you looked up at him standing over you like a goddamn untouchable god.

“It’s cute that you think you’re intimidating,” he said with a playful smirk as he let go of your legs.

Scrambling up from your laying down position, you knelt up on the bed trying to give yourself more height, but you were no match against him. He was still much taller than you even when you were up on the bed.

A smile crept over your lips, “I’m very scary,” you said as you reached out to touch his chest with both of your hands. He gasped quietly as you snaked your arms around his neck and pulled him towards you, “I’d watch out if I were you.”

His arms wrapped around your waist and pulled your chest to touch his, “Oh, really?”

You smirked, “Yes, I can do some real damage,” you purred up at him with wide eyes.

“I know, Red,” he said in almost a growl running his monstrously large hands down to your hips making you gasp. “I’ve seen what you’re capable of.”

“Well, I saw how good you were at destroying things,” you said as you slowly moved your hands up to his hair and tangled your fingers in it. “I learned from the best.”

He let out a soft groan as you began massaging your hands in his ridiculously soft hair. You inhaled the clean scent of him, and it instantly soothed you and you wished you could always be around that smell. Kylo licked his lips slowly as he bent his head down. Your heart was beating so fast you thought you might pass out. Resting his forehead against yours, he closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. Taking your chance, you moved your head up and connected your face with his.

You moaned into him as you kissed him, and he stumbled into you in surprise and gripped you harder. You bit his lower lip playfully causing him to whine in pleasure as his knees buckled as he pushed himself on top of you. Falling back into the bed, you let out a gasp as he climbed up on top of you fully. Feeling the weight of him over of you made you shiver in excitement, and you wrapped your legs around him pulling him closer.

His lips left yours and he left a trail of kisses along your jawline, “You think I don’t know what you’re doing?” he breathed into your ear as he nipped at it.

You craned your head back into the bed and snickered, “And, what would I be doing, Commander?”

He growled as his mouth went to your neck and he started leaving small little bites along it making you writhe underneath him. Continuing the bites, he began moving down your neck to your somewhat exposed chest.

“You’re being naughty, Red,” he said as he pulled the neck of your shirt down lower to get to more of your skin. He placed soft kisses along your collarbone as you moved your fingers through his hair, “And do you know what naughty girls get?” he huffed as he trailed down your body kissing your clothed torso. He pulled your hands back and pinned them above your head as you wiggled against him trying to release yourself from his grip, “They get what they deserve.”

With that, he released your hands as he reached down swiftly and pulled your shirt up. Sitting up to aid him, he slipped it over your head and smashed his face into yours with a low groan. Your body was warm against him as he ran his hands up and down your now bare chest and waist- because who the fuck sleeps with a bra on?

His hands found the band of your pants and you released your legs that were wrapped around him as he started inching the fabric down. His soft lips were still pressed to yours as he somehow pulled your pants off leaving you in just your underwear. A shiver ran through your entire body now as he slid his gloved hands up from your feet to your knees. Kylo brushed down from there touching your outer thighs and moved to grip your ass. You moaned into the kiss as your hands grabbed onto his broad strong shoulders. Using all of your weight, you suddenly forced him to roll over using your legs, so he was now laying with his back on the bed and you were on top of him. He gripped you harder and gave a light slap to your butt causing you to rock your hips into him.

“Why is it, every time we do this,” you said with ragged breathing, “You can see all of me, but I see none of you,” you pouted while staring at him.

His golden eyes sparkled devilishly while he sat up suddenly pulling you to his lap to have you straddle your legs around him. Holding a hand in front of you, he held his gloved hand in front of your mouth waiting for you. You put your arms around his neck as you leaned in to bite his glove. Pulling his hand back, his glove slipped off and he placed his now bare hand on your back. The warmth from his large calloused hand caused your body to be covered in goosebumps as you used your mouth to pull off the other glove.

Using both hands, he massaged your breasts and you leaned your head back as a soft sound of delight left your mouth. He leaned his head forward and lightly licked at your exposed already hard nipples and you shuddered beneath him. Your hands dug into his back as he explored and fondled your chest and you were heavily breathing in pleasure.

He moved so both of his bare hands were now on your back as he pulled you in making your hips rock against his hardness. Gasping, you slid your hands from around his neck and they traveled down his chest to rest on his hard and tight stomach. He held a breath in as your hands trailed lower and brushed over the tent underneath his layers.

“I want to see you,” you cooed into his ear as you ran your hands over his erection. He huffed out a breath as he slowly moved his hands down to rest on your lower back, “Please Kylo,” you whispered looking up at him as you ran your hands up his chest trying to pull the fabric off of him.

“No, honey,” he said while pulling your wrists away from him. “Not tonight.”

A pout instantly fell over your face. You whined lightly punching at his chest while you shoved your face down to hide in embarrassment from him shutting you down- yet again. He tried tilting up your chin to make you look at him, but you just shoved your face down into him further in defeat. Your nose was flooded with the luring scent that spilled off of him and you breathed it in trying to calm yourself down.

“Don’t pout,” he said finally pulling your face up to look at him.

You rolled your eyes before speaking to him, “What is this then?” you asked gesturing in between the two of you while trying to hide the hurt in your voice as you looked into his confused eyes. “Am I just some fuck toy to you?”

He sighed as he pulled you off of him. Your pout deepened into a frown as he placed you down on the bed and he stood up off of it and stepped away. He faced towards the door and you felt your eyes getting watery as he ignored you.

What was happening right now?

Why did this always happen?

One second things were fine, and then the next you had to go ruin it by opening your big fat mouth.

You felt so stupid. Why were you here?

A tear slid down your face and you kneeled up on the bed to get off of it and leave when Kylo turned around quickly. You stopped moving and looked up at him with a sniffle. Moving towards the bed he reached his hand out and wiped away the tear on your cheek with the pad of this thumb. Ever so gently, he then reached for your wrists and placed them on his chest. Holding on to your hands, he moved your hands under his to pull away the fabric.

You didn’t say anything as you let him move your hands to slowly take off his layers. Your breath quickened as he helped you undress him. Each layer sat on the floor in a heap next to his belt, his gloves, his boots, and your clothes. By the time he only had his thin layer on, he stopped your hands. He let go of your wrists and slid his hands down your body as he laid you back down on the bed. In one quick motion, he gripped your hips and pushed you up further on the bed until your head was laying on the pillows.

Breathlessly, you watched as he walked around to the end of the bed and crawled up on it. His head was bent low and he started running his hands up your legs. As his hands roamed your body, his mouth found your inner thighs and he placed soft kisses down them until he reached the fabric of your underwear. He looked up at you under his fluttering lashes and he hummed against your skin making you squirm in anticipation.

“Is this what you want?” he asked in his deep baritone voice placing kisses against your covered heat.

You moaned in response and tried to push your hips into his face. You could feel your wetness soak through your underwear as a wave of desire coursed through you seeing him bent down in front of you. You nodded as you grabbed his hair in between your fingers.

“Well, then,” he said slowly reaching a hand towards your center to stroke up and down your folds, “If it’s what the naughty girl wants…”

You couldn’t take any more of his teasing and you whined pushing your hips into him. He let out a deep chuckle as his hand pulled your underwear to the side as his other hand wrapped up and around your hip holding you in place. He took one finger and traced it up and down your now dripping and exposed clit and you trembled beneath him.

“So wet for me,” he hushed at you while torturously rubbing a finger up and down. “So wet for me, Red,” he cooed leaning his mouth down.

You let out a loud whine as he pushed his finger to your entrance and slowly traced it before slipping it in you. Squeezing around him, he moved his mouth to your throbbing clit. He lightly licked it making your hips shake and he put his full mouth on it. He sucked lightly sending a crash of pleasure through you. Your body hadn’t been touched by him in so long, and you were already almost reaching your peak just from looking at him in between your legs.

Gently, he began pumping his finger in and out of you. He picked up the pace while he sucked on your nub making your senses go into overdrive. The hand that was wrapped around your hip moved up until it was resting on your breast. He fondled it while tweaking your nipple as he slipped another finger inside of you. Blowing out a huff of hot air, you tried to grind your center into his face as he ate you out.

You climbed the peak to your climax, and it clouded your senses. It felt so damn good and you couldn’t stop the moans that left your mouth as you tugged on his hair. He slipped a third finger in you and was pumping in quickly. Finding your sweet spot within you, you let out a wail and you were so close- so fucking close.

“Cum for me, Red,” he said roughly as he went into high speed pumping his fingers into you while he licked and sucked on your clit.

You screamed in delight as you reached an orgasm and your legs began to shake. He pulled his wet fingers out of you and rubbed them up and down your sensitive nub sending shockwaves of bliss through you.

The thrill of everything was still coursing through you as he moved so he was now kneeling on the bed in front of you. His hand undid his pants and his throbbing needy cock popped out of his pants. You wanted to drool just from looking at it as the tip was dripping in precum.

Scooting your hips towards him, you looked into his lustful eyes, “Please Kylo,” you whined knowing he wanted you to beg for him. “Please fuck me, please make me cum on your hard cock.”

He hissed out a breath as he gripped his shaft and moved the wet head up and down your wet slit. You hummed in pleasure as you tried rocking your hips into him.

“You want this?” he asked slapping the head down on your clit making you squeal.

“Yes, Kylo, please-”

Before you could finish, he sunk the head into your pussy and you instantly contracted around him making him huff out a wicked breath. He pushed fully into you and your hands grabbed his biceps while you enjoyed the feeling of being completely filled by him. He felt enormous and you didn’t think your body would ever get used to his size.

He began at a slow pace letting you get adjusted to him as he pumped into you. His hands were on either side of your head as he leaned over to allow himself to push in quicker and at a better angle. You let out a satisfied groan as he picked up his pace. The bed began to shake as his rhythm quickened and he began pounding into you as the tip hit deep within you.

“You feel so good- fuck,” you said breathlessly as you dug your nails into his arms.

This caused him to move his hips into yours even faster making you squeeze his length even harder. He growled and quickly pulled out of you. You opened your mouth to protest but he stopped you.

“Get on your hands and knees,” he said kneeling back upwards. You quickly got up and moved until your mouth was directly in front of his hard and wet length, “You know what to do,” he rumbled at you holding back your hair.

You greedily placed your mouth around him and swirled your tongue around the tip. You could taste yourself on him and you lapped up the juices. He pulled on your hair making you look up at him as you sucked on him like a piece of candy.

Using your hands, you used one to aid on the length and the other to massage his balls. He let out a gratified whine as his hips smacked into your face. You enjoyed being in control of his pleasure and relished the fact that he was enjoying it so much. He began pumping into your mouth and you could feel him in the back of your throat.

“You look so perfect like this,” he said as he leaned down slightly smacking your ass with his free hand. “So perfect sucking on my cock.”

You gagged at his size as he continued pounding into you as your jaw stayed open for him. Tears stung your eyes from trying to keep your mouth open and you struggled to breathe. He suddenly pulled out of you and spun you around, so your face was pressed into the bed and your hips were against his length. You gasped for air as your nose was shoved into the silk sheets.

He moaned as you arched your back pressing yourself into him. He grabbed your ass and smacked it harshly before bending down and biting it. You gasped as you wiggled your hips trying to make him move. He let out a low chuckle and sat back up and slipped a finger along your slit after pulling your underwear out of the way. He ran up and down it before grabbing his shaft and stuffing it completely in you.

A yell of pain left you as you tried to adjust to his size, but he gave you no time before he started ramming into you. The sound of his balls hitting you because of the fast speed made you roll your eyes back in pleasure.

You whined as he gripped your hips tightly and pounded into you. One hand released your hip and pulled you up by your shoulder so that your back was against his chest. He snaked his warm hand around your throat and squeezed lightly slowing down your blood supply.

Your head was throbbing pleasantly, and your vision was blurred as your arousal deepened. His large hand almost completely closed around your neck and you moaned in pleasure as your head leaned back to rest on his shoulders.

As if knowing he was torturing you, he used his other hand to move down until it found your clit. He began massaging it quickly while he continued to pound his length into you. The combination of the choking, his hand on your nub, and him thrusting into you almost broke you and you let out a loud scream in pleasure.

Good thing no one could hear you in these quarters.

You were reaching another climax and your entire body began shaking as you almost reached your limit.

“Kylo-” you said feeling yourself getting too close to finishing.

“You don’t cum until I tell you to,” he snickered into your ear as he continued destroying you. Holding back your orgasm was extremely difficult and you squeezed in his length harder making him moan loudly as he moved even faster.

He rubbed you even faster making you wince trying to hold back your climax. The grip his hand had on your neck tightened restricting your air even more making you gag for breath. You reached up to grip his wrist that was choking you as you let out a muffled sound against him unable to hold it in anymore. He sensed this and finally decided you could finish.

“Cum for me, Red.”

A piercing wail left your body as you reached your second orgasm and your body trembled intensely beneath him. His whole body shook as his pace slowed down and he filled you with hot cum as he moaned loudly.

He released his hand from your neck and your heat, and you fell into the bed and he fell on top of you. You both were gasping for air trying to catch your breath as you lied on the bed next to each other.

He pulled out of you and cum dripped through your underwear and down your legs and you blushed in embarrassment- but he didn’t seem to care. Tucking himself away, he pulled your body to him until you were lying on his chest. It rose deeply as was still trying to breathe normally.

Curling into him, you couldn’t help but smile. You traced a hand down his chest as exhaustion started to creep over you. You yawned and snuggled into him. Using his free arm that wasn’t wrapped around you, he pulled up the sheets over the both of you. The coldness of the silk felt nice on your warm and sweaty skin.

“Thank you for letting me sleep here.”

He kissed your forehead and you melted under his touch, “Sleep, Red.”

You nodded and gratefully closed your eyes falling asleep quickly against the slow rhythmic breathing of him next to you. Your whole body was calm, and you slept soundly.

Until the images flashed through your mind.

Wicked images.

You saw flames, heard screams, felt pain.

You woke up yelling in a cold sweat instantly shivering. Reaching out, you realized you were alone in the bed. Sitting up quickly, you glanced around the room but didn’t see him.

“Kylo?” you called out but got no response.

You almost got up out of the bed to go find him, but you saw him appear in the doorframe. He walked over to you still in his thin inner layer of clothing and he held a glass of water in his hand. He sat down on the bed next to you and held it out for you to take.

Grateful, you took it from his hands and then sipped at it. The cool water felt nice against your sore coarse throat that hurt from yelling. Kylo gently took the glass back from you and set it on the bedside table. Looking back at you, he lightly pushed you back onto the bed and pulled the sheets up to cover your naked body.

“More nightmares,” he stated looking into your eyes with worry.

“Yes,” you said softly. “They are always the same.”

He reached out and cupped your face in his hand. You moved your cheek to snuggle into his grip. You wanted him to stay with you. Sleep next to you.

“Will you stay?” you asked hopefully.

A look of pain and concern flashed over his face as he considered your request, but he quickly stood back up taking his hand away from you.

“Try to get some sleep,” he said as he turned around and walked out of the room.

You opened your mouth to call out after him, but you didn’t know what to say.

You were so close to getting somewhere with him. So close to having an actual connection with him.

Then he just vanished- again.

Frustration hit you as you grumbled to yourself.

You rolled over in the bed with a sigh snuggling back into the soft and comfy bed. You tried to shove your thoughts of him and what had happened out of your mind as you tried to find sleep again. This first shift back was going to bite you in the ass if you didn’t get more sleep.

Sleep found you again and you somehow got a few more hours in.

There was a dull beeping coming from your datapad alarm as woke you up in the morning. You groaned and slowly sat up in bed. Rubbing your eyes to get them to focus, you looked around the room.

No Kylo in sight.

No surprise there.

Sighing, you pushed the covers off of you and began to climb out of bed. A blur of white caught your eye and a strong scent filled your nose as you turned to look at the bedside table. Next to the glass of water sat a steaming cup of coffee. A smile spread across your lips as you reached for it and inhaled its sweet pleasant scent. Taking a sip, it warmed up your entire body as you shakily stood to walk over to the shower. It was a struggle though because your legs were so damn sore.

You had wicked cramps from having a little bit too much fun last night. Speaking of, you needed to wash off the remnants on your legs. You definitely didn’t want to have to worry about explaining that to anyone on your first day back.


	20. Only Good Girls

The boiling hot water burned your skin and you relished the feeling of the droplets hitting against your sore and tired skin. Closing your eyes, flashbacks of last night crossed through your mind making your entire body shudder just thinking about it. The way Kylo’s entire hand could fit around your throat and make you scream and moan in pleasure. The way his hands knew your body and exactly what it needed to push you over the edge.

Grabbing the shower wall for support, you felt a burning want for him and his touch and it hit your body making your hands shake. Your clit throbbed in need and you considered aiding that desire. Slowly, you dipped your hand down until it was resting flat on your stomach. Inhaling a deep breath, you leaned against the wet shower wall and propped a leg up near the row of soaps. The water splashed down over your head as your hand made it to your folds. Ever so carefully, you started caressing them and a moan slipped out of your mouth. You pictured your hand being Kylo’s as you shut your eyes. Finding your clit, you began in a circular motion and started a rhythm.

Images of Kylo flashed through your mind as you continued masturbating to your own arousal. Shaky breaths left your mouth as your body started climbing towards your climax. Using your other hand, you found your entrance and shoved two fingers in. They were nothing like having two of Kylo’s fingers inside of you, but they would have to suffice. The water dripped down your chest down through your legs added lubricant to your fingers. Your leg trembled on the ledge it was propped on and you let your head fall back as a moan left your lips.

You heard a door opening and footsteps enter the room, but you continued massaging and pumping into yourself determined to finish. The door to the large tiled shower opened and Kylo stood there staring at you. A smirk crossed his face as he stared at you. Embarrassment flooded your cheeks as you opened your eyes and stared back at him. You started to take your hands off of yourself, but he quickly opened his mouth to speak.

“Don’t stop,” he said with a voice filled with lust. His eyes drifted down your wet shaking body and he lazily palmed his erection through his pants, “You look so good like that.”

You purred at his words and continued to try and reach your peak. You stared into his deep chocolate eyes that were lit with an eagerness as he raked in your body. Shutting your eyes again quickly, you let out a gasp as you were getting close. So close. Having his presence near you now sent your senses wild and you wanted to reach your orgasm so badly.

Kylo leaned against the doorframe avoiding the stream of water and pulled out his hard cock and began fisting it slowly. You opened your mouth in shock and you were hit with the need to suck on him. You wanted him- no needed him.

“You want this,” he said as a statement while he rubbed the shaft in his gloved hand spreading the precum over it.

“Yes,” you whined as you drooled looking at him. “Yes, please Kylo.”

“Please what?” he said as he began stroking himself faster.

“Yes, please, Commander,” you huffed as your vision got blurry from your impending release. “Please, let me have your cock.”

“Only good girls who cum get to have this,” he said wickedly looking at you with pink cheeks as his lust grew.

This sent your hands into a frenzy and you found your sweet spot within your center and you let out a loud scream of pleasure as it shook your entire body. The climax was sweet and wicked and caused your eyes to flutter as it hit you. You stood there for just a second to enjoy the feeling before you dropped to your knees and crawled across the floor of the shower towards him. You reached the doorway of it and sat up on your knees looking at him and licked your lips.

“Please Comm-”

Before you could finish your plea, he shoved himself into your mouth and let out a hiss of pleasure. You moaned against his thick length and reached up with your wet hands to stroke him. You looked up into his eyes as you sucked in deeply against him. He let out a low moan as he watched your handiwork. You swirled your tongue around him and used both of your hands on his shaft to help your mouth. His eyes shut as he sucked in a large breath of air as he was already getting close. Determined to push him over the edge, you moved your head faster and sucked so hard you thought you might pass out. This did the trick and he growled at you as your throat filled with his entire load.

You greedily swallowed it down enjoying the taste of him and you lightly stroked him into over sensitization. Smiling a cheeky grin, you slowly stood up to look at him. He snickered and grabbed your dripping wet face. He leaned down slowly and gave you a quick peck on the mouth and turned around. A frown fell over your face as he threw a towel at you.

“You pout too much, Red,” he said turning back around to look at you.

“Only around you,” you said as you turned off the water and stepped out of the shower.

“Your shift starts soon.”

Shit.

Panic rushed through you as you quickly tried to dry yourself off. Throwing the towel on the ground, you ran past him towards your folded scrubs still sitting on his dresser. You scrambled to pull them on, and it was a struggle since the clothes stuck to your still damp body. You let out a whine in frustration as nothing was cooperating.

Fuck fuck fuck.

Can’t be late on your first shift back.

Finally getting your clothes on, you grabbed your datapad, and then the realization hit you. What were you supposed to do with your other clothes? Turning around, you saw Kylo watching you with a smirk as he leaned against the door leading to the shower.

“Can I-”

“You can leave your other clothing here,” he stated while folding his arms behind his back.

“Oh, perfect, thank you,” you said as you began to rush towards the door and down the hallway.

You heard footsteps behind you as you walked through the hallway, through the massive living area, and towards the hatch. It flew open as you stood near it and you almost stepped across the opening, but you heard his voice behind you.

“I expect you to pick up your clothing tonight,” Kylo said from the other side of the room.

Turning around to face him, you said, “Okay, when should I come over?”

“After your shift,” he said in a bored tone clearly not amused with all of your questions.

“Okay, uh, see you then, bye,” you waved a hand at him quickly as you left his quarters.

Running down the hall, you looked around trying to remember how to get back to the medbay. Opening up the map on your datapad, you scanned it and tried to navigate through the hallways. You knew your hair probably looked a mess and you tried to not think about it. You also tried not to think about how awkward you had been when you were leaving Kylo’s quarters. You cringed at your own actions as you sped through the hallways.

Yikes.

Looking at the time, you picked up the pace and you finally reached the medbay. Relief spread over you as you pushed open the doors and let out a sigh of contentment. The bay looked the same as it had when you were in here last. Well, actually last time it was in complete chaos. And last time you remembered being in here was when you got the news from Damon. Shaking your head to try and forget the memory, you walked past the front desk and into the back.

You walked to the door of Jerry’s office and pushed it open and found him sitting at the desk with his head pointed down looking through papers. A smile grew on your face and you sat down in the chair near the desk. He looked up in surprise and smiled back at you.

“You’re back!” he cried as he clapped his hands and released the documents he was holding. “You ready for your first day?”

“Yes, for sure,” you said excitedly. “I loved working here the last time I was here.”

He chuckled and leaned back in his chair, “Well, things are a little different around here now.”

“What do you mean Doc?” you asked curiously leaning forward in your chair.

“We lost a lot of people when the base exploded,” he said slowly, and your face fell thinking about Kori. “There were a lot of injuries,” he continued wringing his hands in front of himself. “And even though we have more people working here now because they transferred over, there is also a lot more work now too,” he said running his hands through his thinning hair.

Nodding your head in understanding, you stood up and looked at him, “Then where do you need me? I’m ready to work.”

He smiled and looked back down at the stacks of papers in front of him, “Anywhere, everything here is still a bit chaotic,” he said with a heavy sigh.

“Don’t worry Jerry, we’ll get everything sorted out,” you said as you turned around to leave the room.

He smiled at you as you left the room and you walked down towards the supplies room. Grabbing gloves and a mask, you exited the room looking for patients to help. Doc was right, it was madness in here. They clearly had tried their best to keep things organized and orderly, but there were still so many people around everywhere. Every empty space was filled with either a medical bed with someone in it, or a med droid cleaning and sanitizing, or medics themselves helping with whatever they could.

An overwhelming feeling of dread and anxiety crept over you, but you tried to ignore it as you got to work. The idea of spending every day in here working nonstop busy shifts made your head ache with the pressure of it all.

But this was your job. You had to do it.

Had to help people.

You could do this.

Inhaling deeply, you started checking up on patients who needed more fluids and checked their vitals. Working into a routine, you got around to quite a few people and were able to make sure they were comfortable and didn’t need anything. You weren’t sure if you were ready for anything too serious right away, so you avoided the rooms that had people who needed surgeries in them.

Making small talk with patients and other medics helped the time go by quickly. When you had about a quarter left of your shift, you saw Damon in a room carefully working on an amputated limb. You walked over to him and silently changed their fluid bag while checking their heart rate and blood pressure.

Looking up at you, Damon gave you a quick smile before putting his head back down and concentrating on his stitching. It was obvious that the limb had been amputated recently, but the stitches holding the open wound together must have split. There was some dried blood on Damon’s gloves as he was deep in concentration trying to work quickly yet efficiently. Deciding you wanted to help him make the process quicker, you pulled up a stool after grabbing disinfectant and more numbing solution off of the counter.

He looked down at what was in your hands and let out a happy sigh. He sat up straight and tried to crack his sore back that he had gotten from being hunched over the wounded leg. You got to work lightly re-numbing the area being careful to not give the patient any more pain. After using the needles full of the pain-relieving solution, you gently dabbed up excess fluid and left the area clean for Damon to continue working. When you were satisfied with your work, you sat up and looked at him.

“Thank you,” he said with a smile hunching back over. “What would I do without you?”

“I don’t know,” you said with a low chuckle as you stood up. “Probably cause more infections.”

The patient on the bed quickly looked over to Damon in a panic, “Oh, no, she’s kidding,” he said trying to save himself as he glared over to you in amusement.

“Don’t worry, he hasn’t caused any infections yet because I’m always here to clean up his messes,” you said reassuringly to the patient. They relaxed and smiled back into the bed, “You’re in good hands.”

You grabbed Damon’s hands and pulled off his dirty gloves and handed him new clean ones. He smiled in guilt and pulled them on.

“And now,” you said walking over to the counter, “You’re in good and clean hands.”

Damon just laughed at you as he got back to work. You shook your head as you threw away the biohazard materials and put on new gloves as well. Walking out of the room, you went to help other medics who were doing less invasive procedures.

The day was busy, but it felt so good to be doing something again. Something that gave you a purpose. Something that made you feel good.

The end of your shift came quickly, and you wandered around the bay until you found Madison. She was cleaning up and sanitizing an operation room after just finishing a wicked multi-hour-long surgery.

“Hey,” you said walking into the room getting her attention. She looked up at you with exhaustion in her eyes and smiled, “You ready to go eat?”

She nodded in relief as she finished up the last of the cleanings. She met you in the doorway and pulled you into a hug. She reeked of strong disinfectant and her body felt small even as she stood taller than you.

“How was your first day back?” she asked releasing you as the two of you walked around to find Damon.

“It was good. Really good,” you said with excitement. “I’m glad to be here.”

A smile spread over her face as she looked down at you, “That’s so awesome! Now, let’s go find Damon and get some food in our bellies.”

“Okay, c’mon,” you said grabbing her hand and pulling her along the hallway.

Damon was finishing up paperwork and then joined the two of you and you all left the medbay. An overwhelming sense of joy filled you to the brim and you almost felt guilty for how happy you were. Felt guilty because you weren’t still mourning. It almost felt rude that you weren’t still wallowing in the pits of unhappiness.

But then again, how were you ever going to move on if you didn’t go back to some normalcy?

Walking into the crowded cafeteria, your scrub-wearing group found Max waiting at a table for you. He was glancing around the room until his eyes landed on the group and he waved you over. Practically skipping to him, you got to the table and yanked him out of his seat at the bench.

“Come on,” you whined pulling him up after you set your datapad down saving your spot. “Let’s go get food!”

Shaking his head, he laughed and followed behind you as you made your way to the line where Damon and Madison were waiting. The four of you chatted about your days and how good it was to all be back on a regular schedule. After getting your piles of mush, you went back to the table and took seats on the benches.

Max sat next to you and scooted close as he whispered in your ear, “How was last night?”

A blush immediately crept over your face as you looked back at him, under your breath, you muttered, “So fucking good.”

He tried to hide his giggle as he took a bite of food, “I’m so jealous of you, oh my gods.”

You shushed him as you took a bite of food trying to avoid Damon’s look of curiosity towards the two of you. You shook your head at him trying to say it’s nothing and he went back to chatting with Madison about her surgery.

“I’m seeing him again tonight,” you whispered while turning back to Max.

His eyes got big as he looked at you, “For another,” he paused for dramatic effect, “Sleepover?” he said with a wink.

Rolling your eyes, you laughed at him, “Yes, a sleepover.”

“It’s not like you’re sleeping,” he snickered back at you.

“It is too!” you said trying to hide the blush on your face, “I slept,” you said defensively while taking another bite of food.

He now rolled his eyes back at you, “Yeah, after you got properly fucked by the scary man with the big horse coc-.”

“Max!” you hissed as you nearly spat out your food.

This made Madison and Damon stop talking to look over at you.

“What are you two gossiping about?” Madison asked eyeing the both of you.

You took a quick sip of water and pretended to take another bite of your food while Max jumped in and said, “Oh nothing, just her lover boy.”

Your mouth opened in shock as you stared at him, “What the fuck Max?”

“What?” he asked holding up his hands in surrender, “They should know.”

“Wait, you have a lover boy-” Damon started saying before Madison screeched and interrupted his question.

“Oh, my gods, is it the same guy as before?” she asked sitting up straighter looking at you intently.

“Uh, yeah,” you said looking down at your food trying to avoid Damon’s eyes.

“That’s where she went last night,” Max said taking a sip of water and looking at you.

Looking into his eyes, you knew he would never tell them who it was. But he could only keep a secret like this for so long.

“Who is it?” Damon said crossing his arms over his chest.

“Oh, I don’t know,” said Max with a big dramatic sigh. “No one important.”

“It’s just a little fling,” you said pushing the food around on your plate while avoiding making eye contact with anyone. “He doesn’t care about me, it’s just for fun.”

Damon surveyed you with an almost upset look on his face and quickly shook it off taking a bite of food. Madison grinned at you as she looked at you and waited for you to say more. Seeing how uncomfortable you were, Max began rattling off new things he’s learned about the Finalizer while you stayed silent. Thank the gods Max loved to talk. By the time you were all done eating, you just wanted to go to bed.

The four of you walked back and found your cots. Reaching to grab your pj's, you realized that they were still in Kylo’s quarters.

Well, shit.

You were supposed to go there after your shift and you completely forgot. Groaning, you stood up walking over to Max’s cot and you plopped down on it next to him. He turned over from his lying down position and looked at you.

“What’s up, babe?”

“Why did you tell them?” you asked trying to hide the hurt in your voice.

He grabbed your hand as he sat up, “I’m sorry, it just kind of slipped,” he said squeezing your hand. “I know it wasn’t my secret to tell, I should have let you tell them on your own.”

You squeezed his hand back and looked at him, “It’s alright. I just don’t know what’s happening between me and him. It’s all so confusing.”

“Do you like him?”

“I think so?” you said slowly considering the question. “I mean, there’s just something about him that draws me in, and I can’t stop… he’s like a drug and I’m addicted”

“Damn, he must have one powerful penis,” Max said playfully shoving on your shoulder.

You let out a real laugh and shoved him back into his pillows, “Yeah he does,” you said with a wink.

He let out a squeal and sat back up, “Then what are you doing here? Go see him,” he said with a light nudge.

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow,” you said kissing his forehead as you stood up.

You grabbed your datapad and waved goodbye to Madison and Damon who were getting ready to relax for the night. Excitement filled you knowing that you would be seeing Kylo soon.

Maybe you did like him.

Walking down the hallways to Kylo’s quarters, you felt oddly content even after Max had spilled your secret. Well, he kind of did. It felt like a weight had been lifted off of your shoulders even if they didn’t know who it was. Were they ever going to know? Probably not, but that was okay for you.

Or was it?

Did you want your friends to know?

It was kind of exhilarating that the whole thing was a secret. It made it all feel more exciting and dangerous. It made you feel like you had something to look forward to.

Reaching the large hatch as you had the night before, you waited outside briefly before the hatch flew open. Scanning the room, you saw Kylo sitting on the couch in his living area waiting for you. Walking in the room, a smile spread over your face as he sat there without a mask on. You took in his strong features as you began to blush.

“You’re late.”

“Yeah, I got dinner and then I sort of forgot-”

“Oh, you had something better to do?” he spat at you.

You froze at his harsh words and put your hands on your hips, “I have a life outside of spending time with you.”

“Hm.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” you said throwing your hands up. “Did you expect me to come here right after my shift and not see my friends?”

“I expect you to do to what you’re told,” he said coldly glaring at you.

You rolled your eyes at him and you heard him growl at you, “Really?” you asked looking back at him.

“So disobedient.”

“What’s your issue? You never clarified when you wanted me here!” you almost yelled at him. Feeling frustrated, you said, “I’ll just get my stuff and go,” as you turned away from him.

The force stopped you in your tracks and your heart rate quickened. Your body slowly got dragged backward as tour toes barely touched the ground over to where he was sitting on the couch. He released the invisible hold on you, and you fell to the ground near his feet. He reached for your hips and roughly pulled you up until your chest was resting on his lap.

“What are you do-”

“Do you know what disobedient girls get, Red?” he asked while readjusting your hips on top of him as he started rubbing your ass with his large hands. You whimpered at his touch and he pulled you head up by your hair with his other hand, “Answer me.”

“I-I don’t know Commander.”

“They get punished,” he said harshly as he let go of your hair and let your head fall down.

He twisted his torso and with both hands, he pulled down your scrub bottoms and your underwear so that your bare skin was exposed. You let out a cry as the cold air hit your exposed clit and you could feel yourself becoming wet just thinking about his hands on you.

“Look at you,” he said as he lazily traced your ass. “Your body is already begging for me. Begging for my cock.”

You nodded your head as you tried to twist your body to look at his face. He wasn’t having that, and he shoved your face back down, so you were looking at the ground. He cupped your ass and gave it a rough slap causing your whole body to lurch forwards. As he harshly slapped you again, you let out a moan as the pain mixed with the pleasure. This caused him to let out a low rumble of a snicker as he slapped you again.

Each slap caused you to wince and you could feel your ass cheeks beginning to get numb. He roughly pulled you up by your shoulders so that you were kneeling before him. You opened your mouth to speak, but he stopped you and ripped off your thermal and scrub top. He forcefully took off your bra and added it to the pile of clothing. You gasped and your body was covered in goosebumps in reaction to the cold air and your nipples instantly got hard.

“Crawl.”

You stared at him not sure you heard him right.

“Do you need your ears checked girl?” he asked glaring at you. “Start crawling.”

You let out a whimper as you got to your hands and started crawling away from him. Shame washed over you as your exposed cunt was there for him to see as you slowly moved towards his bedroom. He yanked your pants off of your legs so that you were now completely naked.

Part of you was embarrassed that this was happening.

The other part of you was extremely excited about it all.

The couch creaked as he stood up behind you and walked slowly following you to the room. The cold floor hurt your knees and hands as you tried to crawl as best as you could. Eventually, you got inside of the bedroom and began crawling towards the bed. At this point, Kylo had gotten sick of waiting and picked you up and chucked you on the bed. Your entire body burned from the sensation of flying through the air and landing on the bed.

He was instantly on top of you and he pinned your arms above your head. You moaned into him as he took out his needy hard shaft. Rubbing it up and down your dripping slit, he looked at you directly.

“You need to be taught a lesson,” he growled as he shoved his entire length into you.

A piercing scream left your body as he immediately began pumping into you. He gave you no time to adjust to his massive size. It was so painful that tears pooled in your eyes and almost started running down your cheeks. The pain was quickly covered by your pleasure and you moaned as he hit your cervix with every thrust.

“Fuck,” you moaned as you shut your eyes.

“Keep your eyes on me,” he snarled while continuing his pace.

You opened your eyes and saw the passion swirling around in his. His pink lips were parted while his hot jagged breath left his mouth. You wished more than ever that you could run your hands through his unruly dark hair, but he wasn’t letting your arms move out of the hold they were in above your head.

Your clit was throbbing in anticipation, but you couldn’t do anything about it.

“Please Kylo,” you begged at him.

“You think you deserve to cum?” he huffed at you keeping up his persistent thrusts.

“Yes,” you moaned as you lost control and your eyes rolled back.

“No,” he hissed as he pulled out of you.

A loud whine left you as he released your arms and flipped you over. Grabbing your wrists again, he pinned them behind your back and shoved your face into the sheets. You were gasping for air as he pushed himself back inside of you.

The bed rocked violently with his persistent thrusts. You squeezed against him and he let out a rumbling moan slapping your ass with his one free hand. Letting out a muffled whine against the sheets, you squeezed him again.

“Fuck- you feel so good, Red,” he said in a raspy voice.

You could tell he was getting close to his climax and you arched your back into him in response. He used the hand that wasn’t holding your arms back and wrapped it around to your tender clit. He began rapidly rubbing it causing your hips to buckle forward at his touch.

“Good girl,” he purred into your ear as he bent down towards your ear. “Cum.”

As if your body had been waiting for his command, your climax came crashing down on you and your entire body shook. He slowly pumped in and out of you and suddenly pulled out of you. He flipped you over, so you were laying on your back. He fisted his length quickly and cum spilled out and onto your stomach. He hissed in satisfaction as he finished.

“You look so beautiful,” he sighed deeply looking down at you.

Oh.

You laid there panting and tried to catch your breath as you process what he just said. An emotion quickly passed over his eyes and it vanished as he quickly got off the bed and tucked himself away. Propping your body up on your hands you stared at him as he turned to leave the room.

“Where are you going?” you asked as a pain you couldn’t describe hit you.

He said nothing as he left the room. You laid back with a huff of frustration not sure what to do. You were covered in his seed and didn’t want to get it all over the bed.

You heard a ruffle of clothing and looked up to see him coming back with a towel. He reached you and slowly wiped you clean. You stared up at him waiting for him to say something. You were shocked by how gentle he was being after just belittling and destroying you. Deciding it was clean enough, he walked away from the bed again to toss the towel in a dirty laundry pile.

“Am I sleeping here tonight?” you asked hopefully starting to sit upwards.

“I don’t care,” he said with his back turned to you.

“What?” you said slowly getting off of the bed.

“I said,” he said turning around to face you now, “I don’t care.”

Hurt crossed your face and you could feel your eyes start to water, “Why do you always do this?” you asked looking at him for an answer.

“Do what?” he hissed back at you.

“Act like you care, and then toss me aside like I’m nothing!” you said walking towards him.

“I don’t have time for your schoolgirl relationship fantasies,” he snarled walking closer up to you while pointing a finger.

“So, you just want to use me for sex?” you snarled at him.

“Right, like you aren’t using me too?” he rumbled back.

You stared at him in disbelief, “What the fuck? Do you know how insane you sound right now?”

He turned away from you and started walking towards the door as he snarled, “Leave.”


	21. A Death Wish

One night away from Kylo’s soft silk sheets and plush mattress felt like punishment enough let alone the sinking feeling of sadness you now felt. The hard truth of the short argument you just had with him, started to weigh down on you. The cold thin cot gave you no comfort and you didn’t sleep all night. Lying there, you stared up at the ceiling without moving. Thoughts swirled through your mind and you couldn’t shut them off. 

You had never been more conflicted in your feelings. 

It was obvious now how much you cared for him- even if he treated you like garbage. 

What was it about him that dragged you in? What was it about him that made you lose all of your better judgment? What was it about him that had you coming back for more?

He kept showing you time and time again how he didn’t want anything from you other than what was in between your legs. You knew he couldn’t give you the emotional support you needed. Knew he couldn’t give you the relationship you had been hoping for. Knew how he was. 

And yet, you continued to fall into his traps. 

At first, you thought you’d be fine with just that. Okay, well, with just doing whatever you were doing with him. After all, you’d been okay with doing just that in the past with others; so why was it bothering you so much now? 

Pulling an arm up from underneath your blanket, you traced your still swollen lips with your eyes shut. You could almost still feel the plushness of his lips against yours. Could almost feel his delicate touch as he traced his fingers down your body. Could almost feel his large warm body pressed up next to yours. 

A single tear dripped down your cheek and you quickly wiped it away.

You had left his quarters without saying anything to him or even looking at him. If you even glanced his way, you knew you would burst into tears. He had gotten so upset at you so quickly that you hadn’t seen it coming. One minute he was fine; gentle, tender even towards you, and then the next, he said and did vile hurtful things just to make you leave. His mood was like a ticking time bomb and you always happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

Why had he gotten so damn upset?

The night before he had practically begged, no demanded, that you sleep in his quarters. To get “a good night’s rest”. Yeah, that was straight bullshit. But you weren’t really complaining about that. You liked being around him- most of the time. You liked the way he took control and took care of you. As someone who was constantly taking care of others, you liked him being there for you. Even if he had a real odd way of showing that he cared.

Well, you weren’t sure how much he cared or if he even did. 

Not that it mattered anymore. 

You were done with him.

When people began to stir in the morning, you got up with them and dressed for the day in the same plain scrub outfit as always without saying anything. Your feet followed behind Madison and Damon into the medbay without saying anything. You began working your shift without saying anything. 

You weren’t in the talking mood. 

The day buzzed by without you remembering what happened. It felt like you were just going through the motions. It felt like someone else was in control of your body.

You did what you had to and moved on. 

When your shift was over, you mindlessly followed your friends out towards the dining hall as they chatted happily about their days not paying attention to your emotionless state. Sitting at the bench next to Max, you mumbled answers to questions and picked away at your flavorless mush. You changed for bed afterward and then pretended to fall asleep early so you wouldn’t have to talk to anyone anymore. 

It was another night of no sleep.

Exhaustion weighed down on you, but the sleep never came. 

The next day was the same. The lack of sleep made your body go on autopilot. A fake smile was plastered on your face as you went about your day. The sadness you felt controlled your entire being, and you gave into the familiar numbing feeling. 

Skipping dinner that night with the fake excuse of cramps, you lied in your cot trying to find sleep. You had become desperate at this point. If felt like your body was slowly shutting down. You tried to forget your overwhelming thoughts and ignore how you were feeling about everything, but you were unsuccessful again.

Another night of no sleep.

Feeling like you were losing it, the next day was clouded, foggy even. If someone had asked you what you did on that day, you wouldn’t be able to tell them. Your body was so drained that you didn’t know what was happening. It felt like there was a soft frame that blocked your vision the entire day. Deciding you were done feeling like this, you stole sleeping medication from the bay and while skipping dinner again, and you took the pills. 

Sleep finally came.

But, so did the nightmares. The worst ones you’d ever had.

\---

Across the ship, in his quarters, Kylo felt an overwhelming relief spread over him once he sensed your mind at ease while sleeping. Finally, you were sleeping. He hadn’t slept in what felt like weeks, but he knew it had just been the few days since he had made you leave. He’d stayed up each night waiting for you to sleep, only to then realize that you lied awake all night thinking of him.

Why did you think of him?

Feeling the emotional pain all throughout your body gave himself the same gutted feeling. He was letting your emotions consume him and it made him feel sick. This attachment to you was a foreign feeling and not a welcome one. 

How could he have let your little body crawl right into him, and tear open his cold dead heart?

He had given up on feeling anything a long time ago. He had a mission. Had a duty to uphold. Had to serve the First Order and Supreme Leader Snoke. 

Joining the dark side had changed him; for obvious reasons. The lack of love he had felt from his parents driving him to seek comfort and praise from someone new. 

When his Uncle Luke had almost killed him when he had sensed the change in Kylo, it was a turning point. He vowed to never be weak again. Vowed to never let any emotions in. He could never rely on anyone but himself.

You were a distraction. You made his body feel things he didn’t think it was capable of doing anymore. You made him want to scoop you into his arms and never let go of you.

That couldn’t happen. Wouldn’t happen. 

And yet, here he was, looking through your mind every night. Aside from investigating into how you felt about him, he looked through a lot of things that went through your head. He felt the anger and loneliness you felt when your parents abandoned you and your sister. The disappointment you felt in yourself through school. He tried to avoid finding out anything about the men you’d been with, but it was inevitable.

The jealously he felt towards these people who didn’t even mean anything to you anymore was ridiculous. Just the idea that someone else had been with you and had gotten to see all parts of you made him want to rip his hair out. 

You were his. 

Looking through your mind, he tried to understand the relationship with the two boys you spent the most time with. Clearly, you loved one of them, or you had loved one of them. Romantically at least. The other one you still loved deeply, but as a brother. Investigating even further, he saw flashes of this man with other men and it eased his worries slightly. 

Kylo could feel the tense relationship you had with your sister in the past but now he realized you regarded her in a pleasant tone. Since she had died.   
Why hadn’t you told him about that?

Clearly it had eaten away at you for weeks. But those same weeks he was dealing with his own loss and had been too selfish to help you with yours. The guilt of his father’s death crushed down on him every second of every day. He tried to forget the feeling of Han Solo’s hand cupping his face as he said his last words. And then, heartlessly, Kylo had killed him while looking at his father straight in the eyes. 

He needed to rid of all attachments. All threats to the rise of his power. Which is why he had to do what he did. It was done now. Now, he could follow the Supreme Leader to continue the journey his grandfather had failed to do. 

You were a roadblock. He needed to rid of all feelings towards you. 

But could he? 

\---

Laying there on your cot, an endless stream of tears flowed down your cheeks as quiet sobs shook your body. The overwhelming combination of the lack of sleep, plus all the confusion with Kylo, plus the nightmares, drove you into madness. 

You needed to sleep so badly and you couldn’t. 

Silently, you rose from your cot and shuffled over to Max’s cot and gently shook him awake. He groggily opened his eyes as he stared up at you. Seeing your tear-stained cheeks, he let out a sad sigh. Without needing to ask him, he pulled back his blanket and scooched back on his cot making room for you. Another round of sobs threatened to flood over you, but you held them back as you crawled under the covers and snuggled into him.

He gathered you in his warm arms and shushed you until your cries died down. He rubbed soothing circles into your tense back and combed your hair lightly with his fingers. Taking deep breaths against his chest, you closed your eyes and inhaled the sensation of being near someone. Max’s frame was much leaner than Kylo’s, but his arms were just as big as he cradled you in them. He began humming softly trying to lull you to sleep. 

Within the next half hour, you were silently snoozing tight within Max’s arms in his tiny cot. You were practically lying on top of him, but it was comforting, and you finally slept through the night. 

You awoke to the sound of Max’s datapad lightly beeping next to you. He began waking up and you gently got off of him and stood up with a big stretch.   
“Did you finally sleep?” Max asked as he stood up next to you stretching his arms out.

“Yes, finally,” you said somewhat sheepishly. “Thank you.”

He smiled and pulled you in for a hug, “Of course. You’re my best friend.”

You hugged him back, “I don’t deserve you.”

He pulled his head away glaring at you disapprovingly, “Girl, don’t say that. You deserve to be happy and have good friends who support you no matter what.”  
“Okay, you’re right,” you said with a sigh breaking away from his embrace. “Well, thanks anyway.”

He smiled as you turned around and walked over to your cot. Madison was already dressed and ready for the day as Damon was still in his cot grumbling about being awake. You grinned as you began to get ready for the day. 

Walking into the medbay, you had a newfound sense of purpose. You were going to be okay. You had Max. And Madison. And Damon. And Doc. You didn’t need someone who just used you when it was convenient and then dump you when he was done. 

Damon and Madison waved their goodbyes as they split from you to go to their assigned duties for the day. You saw on your datapad that Doc had placed you with patients that required minimal work- thankfully. It must have been evident to him how much you were struggling in the last couple of days. 

Pulling on a fresh set of gloves and a mask, you pushed your way into a room full of injured patients. Not that you liked seeing people in pain but knowing that you were going to be able to help all these people feel better sent a rush through you. The needed concentration and level of skill was what drove you to this job, to begin with. Helping people was great, but the thrill of success was even better. You lived off of it. Thrived off of it. 

You took a seat next to a stormtrooper who had a nasty cut down his leg. You made pleasantries with them as you began sanitizing and prepping the area. The cut was deep, but it was a straight cut, making tight and detailed stitches ideal for its healing. 

After over an hour of concentration, the wound was sealed up and covered in healing ointment. Wrapping it up in gauze and sending them on their way, you got up and headed towards the counter. Checking your datapad, you saw the number of patients you had for the day, and excitement bubbled within you.   
Deciding you needed some coffee to get you through the rest of your day, you left the room you were in and walked to the break room. There were a couple of couches on one side and a small kitchenette on the other. Thankfully, there was already brewed coffee sitting in the pot and you poured yourself a cup. Inhaling the glorious scent, you took a hefty gulp savoring the familiar and delicious flavor. 

A few other medics were taking short breaks and chatting with each other. You sat down at the table allowing your elbows to rest upon it. Taking a deep breath in, you closed your eyes and hoped the caffeine would kick in soon. 

“How’s the coffee?” a deep voice said in front of you.

Your eyes flew open and you saw Damon standing in front of you smirking while he reached for a mug. You lightly laughed at him while you took another sip showing him you approved of the coffee’s flavor. 

“Ah, well, if you say it’s good, it must be,” he said while he poured himself a mug full. 

He sat down in the chair next to you while taking a long sip. He sighed as he set his mug down and looked at you. 

“Did you sleep at all last night?” he asked while staring intently at you.

“Uh, yeah,” you said slowly. “I slept with Max.”

Damon nearly choked on his coffee and had to slap his chest as he coughed trying not to make a mess.

Your cheeks flushed as you realized how that had sounded, “Oh gods, no, not like that,” you said while trying to hide your embarrassment. “I mean, I slept next to him,” you said quickly while taking a sip of coffee.

Damon chuckled, “I figured that’s what you meant. It just sounded funny.”

“Yeah, I guess it did,” you said while avoiding eye contact.

Awkward.

“How did you know I wasn’t sleeping well?”

He blew out a deep breath of air as he leaned back in his chair, “Well, you look like shit.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“Well, you just look exhausted,” he said defensively. “Also, I didn’t hear you screaming from your nightmares, so I figured you hadn’t been sleeping.”

“Oh, yeah,” you said leaning back in your chair looking down at your hands. “They were really bad last night.”

“What are they about?”

“It varies. Mostly stuff about the base exploding,” you said looking back up at him. “But other things too...”

“And they aren’t as bad when you sleep next to someone?”

“Oddly, no they aren’t. I don’t know why,” you said with a light shrug of your shoulders. 

“Well,” he said while leaning his elbows back on the table looking at you with his fluttering lashes. “If you ever need someone to sleep with, I’m your guy.”

Um.

What?

You stood up immediately from your chair causing it to fall over with a crash behind you. Damon quickly stood up realizing he had crossed some line. 

“Why would you say that to me?” you hissed at him trying not to attract the attention of the other people in the room. 

“I’m sorry-”

“No,” you said walking around the table to stand in front of him. “You don’t get to say shit like that to me,” you snarled while pointing a finger at him. “Not after Kori. Don’t you dare.”

“Kid, I’m sorr-”

“Save it,” you growled at him as you walked out of the break room leaving him standing there speechless.

You stormed into the room you were previously in and furiously washed your hands while pulling on gloves and a mask. Why the hell had he said that? After everything that had happened, now was the time he decided to be flirty with you- typical. 

Men were disgusting. 

It was quite unfortunate that you were attracted to them. 

Rolling your eyes, you grabbed your datapad looking over what patient you had next. You arched a brow in surprise as you recognized the name on the list. Walking over to the med bed, you sat down while looking into the patient’s sparkling blue eyes.

“Hi Zed,” you said reaching down to grab his hand.

“Hey,” he said with a low chuckle.

“I never got to thank you for helping me out the day that the base exploded-”

He held up a hand to stop you, “There’s no need to thank me,” he said. “I was just trying to help people like you were.”

“Well, I still appreciate it,” you said releasing your hold of him. “Maybe you should have been a medic.”

“Oh no,” he said with a laugh. “You remember how I was when I last got stitches from you?”

“Okay, maybe not,” you said while you scanned his still-healing arm. “The cut looks like it’s finally healing though, so, that’s good.”

“Yeah,” he said with a shrug. “But now, I’ve went and sliced my other arm.”

“Oh, you engineers. You’re great at beating yourselves up.”

“It’s about the only thing I’m good at,” he said with a slight blush in his cheeks.

You laughed as you began prepping his new cut for more stitches. Trying to distract him from the process, you tried to keep a conversation going with him. He was surprisingly easy to talk to and you actually really enjoyed talking to him. Now that you were up close and seeing him again, you noticed that he was kind of cute.   
Not like, ‘cute’, but like, ‘awe, cute’.

Like a cute little boy.

You finished up the stitches and got him all prepped to leave the bay. Standing up, you cleaned up your station and went to switch out your gloves. Zed stood up from the bed and tentatively walked over to you. Looking up at him, you waited to hear what he had to say.

“Uh, thanks for fixing my arm,” he said slowly. “Again,” he added with a chuckle.

“Anytime,” you said turning away from him to start washing your hands. 

“Um.”

You looked up at him again wondering why he was still here. He ran a hand through his short blond hair nervously and took a breath.

“Would you, would you maybe,” he swallowed and took another shaky breath. “Would you maybe want to hang out sometime?” he asked while looking at you hopefully.

Oh.

“And,” you started saying slowly. “And, do what?”

“We could just go on a walk around the ship. I could show you the hangars that I work in.”

Your mind was racing. What were you supposed to say? It’s not like he was asking you to marry him. Just hang out. You could do that. It’s not like you were committed to Kylo. 

Then why did you feel guilty?

You tried to shake your tumbling thoughts as you gave him a warm, “Yes.”

A huge smile spread over Zed’s freckled face and dimples showed making your heart beat a little quicker. He was super cute. Even if it was in an ‘awe, cute’ kind of way. It wasn’t going to hurt anyone by just hanging out with him, right? You wanted to get to know this guy more and it was easy to have a conversation with him. 

“Well, great. When are you free?” he asked taking a step towards you.

“How about tonight? After dinner?”

“Really?” he asked with excitement. “That sounds great! I can meet you in the dining hall-”

“Can I just meet you in the docking bay? Then I can get a chance to change out of my scrubs.”

He smiled and nodded his head, “Yeah, sure. That sounds great.”

“Okay, I’ll see you then,” you said as a light blush crept into your cheeks. 

Zed clapped his hands together in contentment, “Okay, bye,” he said as he turned around and left the room. 

The rest of the day went by quickly and you had a good time stitching people up and helping switch out bandaging. You felt more excited to spend time with Zed than you thought you would be, and you thought about him through the rest of your shift. 

This was a good thing. A new start. Someone new. 

Obviously, you still had feelings for Kylo. But those weren’t getting you anywhere. 

And honestly- fuck him and his indecisive thoughts and actions. 

You left the medbay arm in arm with Madison ignoring Damon who was sulking behind you. You didn’t want to talk about the conversation that you had with him earlier and wished you could avoid him altogether. But that wasn’t going to happen. 

You ate all of the mush that had been served to you at dinner and talked with Madison and Max about your day. Damon eventually got up to leave saying he wanted to go lie down.

“What’s up with him?” Madison asked as he left the dining hall.

“I don’t know,” Max said slowly as he watched him leave. 

You said nothing and took the last bit of food off of your tray. They both looked at you waiting for you to comment, but you said nothing and just shrugged your shoulders. After dinner, the three of you walked back to your resting and sleep area. Changing into comfy casual clothing, which was a pair of stretchy black pants and a soft long-sleeved top, you got up to leave to go to the docking bay. 

“Where are you going now?” Max asked you with his hands on his hips. 

“The docking bay.”

“Why?” Madison asked while staring at you questioningly. 

“My friend is going to show me around the hangar,” you said trying to hide a blush.

Max scoffed and crossed his arms over his chest, “What friend?”

“The one who helped me save Damon’s life.”

“Oh, okay,” Madison said still looking at you with a confused face.

“He’s nice and I want to see where he works.”

Max laughed under his breath, “Babe, is this a date?”

“No,” you said quickly looking at the floor. 

Madison walked over to you with excitement in her steps as she twirled you around, “Is this with your lover boy?”

“No, someone else,” you said avoiding looking into her eyes.

“Wait, what happened to the other guy-”

“He’s dead to us now,” Max said with a wicked grin. “He doesn’t deserve our girl anyways.”

You fucking right.

You let out a laugh and turned to leave, “I’ll fill you both in later. I have to go!”

They waved goodbye as you left the area and went into the hallway. You vaguely remembered where the docking bay was and eventually found it. The space was so much bigger than you had remembered it. Maybe just because there weren’t as many ships and people around. 

Tentatively, you walked in and gasped as you looked up at the large docked ships before you. They were so intricate and beautiful all while being extremely intimidating. They were all situated near each other and you gazed up at the high ceiling. You walked around not sure where to go and then you saw Zed sitting at a workbench looking around for you. When his eyes landed on you, he smiled and waved you over.

He looked a lot different in his casual clothing. He normally wore thick long-sleeved shirts that were tucked into jeans. Now he looked more at ease, which only made him more attractive. When you got near him, he stood up and suddenly realized how far you had to look up to see him.

Well geez, why was everyone so goddamn tall?

You had never noticed how tall and built he was. He was a little thicker than others, but you could see his muscles defined underneath his shirt. With a shy smile, he reached out a hand towards you. A rush of warmth filled you as you took his hand in yours. 

“I didn’t know if you would come,” he said lowly as he guided you past the workbench he has been waiting at.

“Well, I wanted to see where you work,” you said looking up at him. “You’ve seen the medbay and now I want to see what’s going on here.”

“Okay, well it’s not that exciting-” he began to say as he pulled you around a corner. 

A gasp left your mouth as you looked up to see a long row of docked TIE fighters and shuttles. They towered over the two of you and they looked wickedly impressive all lined up ready for takeoff. He chuckled at your amusement as he led you through the bay. 

Zed told you all about how they did regular maintenance on the ships to ensure the pilot’s safety. He told you, in a way you could understand, the most common issues with the ships and how they repaired them. You walked along with him in awe of how amazing and complex everything was. Hearing him speak so passionately about everything he did in his engineering job; made you lean into him as he talked. 

His voice was low but full of life as he told stories of ships catching on fire and working with others in the bay. You told him some stories about working in the medbay and he listened intently while still walking the two of you through the docking bay. 

Your heart felt so light and you couldn’t remember the last time you had a conversation like this and just enjoyed being in the moment. The two of you had finally reached the other end of the bay and he stopped walking pulling you towards him. He pointed to the windows behind you and turned around to see where he was indicating. 

You let out a loud surprised gasp in awe of the gorgeous sight in front of you. It was one of the largest windows you had ever seen that showed the great galaxy surrounding you. In excitement, you pulled him along with you as you ran to the window to look out. 

It was beautiful. The way the stars shone in the darkness. It brought you a sense of calmness and you breathed deeply. You turned to look at Zed standing next to you and he was smiling watching you. 

Without thinking you pulled him closer to you and kissed him. 

He let out a surprised gasp and pulled you into him. His lips were soft and gentle against yours and he deepened the kiss.

Images of Kylo flashed through your mind. 

Dammit.

You pulled away from him breaking the kiss.

“What-”

“No, it’s not you,” you said looking up into his confused eyes. “I just, I don’t know if I’m ready for anything right now.”

“Oh,” he said sadly looking down at the ground. “What about in the future?”

“In the future, maybe.”

His eyes perked up at this and he squeezed your hand, “I can wait.”

A pang of guilt ran through you and you plastered a smile on your face. 

What were you supposed to say to that?

“I should probably get going,” you said smiling wider trying to hide the shame in your body.

“Okay, I can walk you back,” Zed said with a smile.

You nodded and walked with him still holding hands out through the bay. The conversation was light as you walked out into the hallway and towards where your cot was. 

Maybe something could work out with him.

Turning the corner with, you saw a mass of blackness standing in front of you.

Zed let out a scared gasp, “C-Commander Ren, sir,” he said with a small bow towards Kylo who was standing in front of the two of you in a menacing stance.   
Anger erupted within you as you looked up at a masked black blob of fabric. You stared into his hard black and metal mask with a glare.

“Sir,” you hissed at him. 

Kylo turned and looked down at you. You knew he was smirking back at you under that ridiculous mask. What the hell was he doing here? Why did he have to ruin everything?

“Excuse us, sir,” Zed said cautiously. “We were just passing by.”

“No.”

Zed began trembling under the glare of Kylo’s mask as he stood there not moving. His gloved hands were in fists at his sides as he cocked his head to the side. 

“What-”

“She is needed in the medbay,” Kylo’s synthesized mask growled you. 

“Like hell I am-”

Kylo scoffed at you taking a step towards you, “I would watch your tone in front of your superiors.”

Zed stared at you in shock wondering why you had a death wish against the Commander of the First Order. You gripped his hand tighter and moved to pull him away. Kylo was quicker and grabbed your arm and pulled you out of Zed’s grasp.

“She’s coming with me,” he said as he pulled you down the hallway.

Zed let out a whine of worry as he watched you stumble to catch up with Kylo as you practically ran behind him down the hallway. You tried to give him a reassuring smile as you rounded the corner with Kylo gripping tightly to your arm. 

He pushed into a room and threw you inside and you stumbled but found your footing. 

“What the hell Kylo-”

He shut the door behind him and stood up leaning against it staring at you. He said nothing and just watched you seethe in anger. 

“That wasn’t necessary!” you said practically now shouting at him. “Why did you-”

“I don’t want you with him.”

You rolled your eyes and let out an aggravated yell, “You don’t have the right to decide that for me.”

He let out a low chuckle as an invisible hold on you brought your body to his. He grabbed your wrists and turned around swiftly pinning you against the door he had been leaning against. Kylo’s body was close against yours and you began breathing heavily just by being near him. He reached a hand up and cupped your cheek tenderly and made you look up at him directly.

“You’re mine.”


	22. What a Brat

Kylo’s words, “You’re mine,” rang through your ears making your heart flutter, but you tried to ignore the feeling. 

“I’m not yours. I’m not anyone’s,” you hissed at him trying not to tremble underneath his touch. “I am my own goddamn person.”

“Mine, no one else’s,” he growled at you as the synthesizer buzzed near your ear. “Look at you. Already trembling under my touch. Only I can do that to you.”

Releasing your wrists from his strong grip, you pushed against his firm chest forcefully trying to escape his hold on you. You ducked under his outstretched arms and backed away further into the room. He whipped around to look at you while you folded your arms over your chest. 

“I can’t do this anymore,” you said looking down at your feet trying to keep the emotion out of your voice. “I can’t do this anymore w-with you.”

Kylo said nothing to your remark and you heard his slow deep breathing coming from the mask. You wished he would take that damn thing off so you could have an actual conversation with him. Turning away to not face him, you stared at the opposite dark wall trying to steady your breathing. Hugging yourself tighter to stop yourself from shaking, you took a deep breath in an attempt to calm yourself down.

It wasn’t working.

You still felt anxious as fuck.

There was a familiar hissing sound from behind you of his mask being removed from his head. He dropped it to the floor, and you flinched at the loud sound it made as landed with a bang against the metal flooring. Too afraid to look at him, you continued trying to breathe and stared at the blank wall. 

You knew if you saw his face right now, you would give in. You would give in to him and everything that he was. 

He had that power over you. 

“I-I didn’t think anything was ever going to happen, b-between us,” you said slowly trying to keep your voice steady. “And, and then things just moved so quickly,” you mumbled fighting to find the right words to say. “I clearly let my emotions into this mess and I shouldn’t have.”

Kylo’s feet shifted slightly while he listened to you speak. Not facing him made you feel a little better. A bit more confident with your words. You took a deep breath in and continued talking. 

“At first I was fine with just being casual, or whatever was happening between us,” you said while wringing your hands together in front of you. “Then, I,” you gulped not sure what to say for an explanation. “Well, never mind that. But, you, you kept pushing me away,” you said shuffling your feet. “I was vulnerable around you and you didn’t return any of that.”

Tears started prickling in your eyes and you quickly wiped them away. You turned around and saw Kylo staring intently at you. He’s dark eyes were clouded in confusion as he stood tall with his hands folded behind his back. 

“I-I showed you everything. Every part of me. A-And I got nothing from you,” you sighed running your hands through your hair before looking back up at him. “You can read my fucking mind, so I know you probably know even more about me than what you let on.”

Your heart was beating fast and your legs felt antsy. You began pacing the short length of the room attempting to clear your thoughts. 

What did you want from him?

A relationship?

No.

Well…

No.

You just wanted someone who understood you. Someone who cared about you. Someone who was vulnerable and open with you. Someone who-

“I do understand you,” Kylo said softly making you whip your head up to look at him and you stopped pacing. 

“You don’t even know anything about me,” you hissed lowly at him as you started pacing again. “And, I don’t know anything about you.”

“What do you want to know?”

“I don’t know,” you said somewhat startled by his question, and stopped to look at him. “I don’t want to learn things about you like this. It’s not, it’s not-” 

“Then ask me something,” he said plainly looking at you.

You folded your arms across your chest and stared into his eyes. They held steady as they bore into yours. His structured face had shadows cast down on it from the dim lighting in the room making his features stand out. The long and jagged scar that stretched along his face clashed against his smooth and freckled pale skin.   
Trying to ignore how goddamn good he looked, you pondered his response. 

Ask him anything?

Well, geez. That’s almost too much freedom. 

You had already asked him about this, but he hadn’t given you an actual answer. 

“Why, why did you make me leave you in the medbay when we first got here?” 

He paused, “Because.”

“Really, Kylo?” you said with an annoyed laugh. “This is so fucking stupid! Why tell me to ask you something and then not answer? I don’t understand anything that you do around me,” you practically shouted while moving your body closer to his. “You won’t show me any part of you. You won’t sleep with me in the bed. You won’t tell me shit about you. You won’t admit that you-” you cut yourself off looking down at your feet. 

“I can’t.”

Tears started to pool in your eyes, and you fought to hold them back, “Why?”

“I can’t have attachments.”

“What-” you started to say.

“That’s why. I can’t show you things,” he said as his low voice rumbled. “And, I won’t.”

You rolled your eyes as your eyelids fluttered and tears started falling down your cheeks. You were so goddamn frustrated that the tears were the only way your body knew how to react. 

“I have no weaknesses,” he said taking a step towards you. “I need to be feared. Taken seriously. I have a reputation-”

“Fuck you and your damn reputation,” you spat at him as your emotions started to control you. 

He stepped closer to you again, “What did you think was going to happen, huh?” he said coldly moving even closer to you. “Between us. You thought we were going to be together and everything would be all rainbows and butterflies-”

“I thought,” you said as anger began creeping into you, “I thought that you would start to give a shit about me and that-”

“That, what?” he growled moving until he was directly in front of you. “I don’t need anyone, especially you. You’re so desperate for someone to love you that you-”

“Shut the hell up,” you snapped back at him. “I don’t need you.”

“You’re just some pathetic little medic who is infatuated with the idea of me,” he said tilting his head to the side. “You could never actually handle-”

“Handle what?” you asked throwing your arms out. “Being with you?”

He paused before saying, “Yes.”

“I’m perfectly capable of handling myself.”

He scoffed, “And here you are, crying and blubbering like a little baby.”

The anger within you rose up making your blood boil as you said, “Gods, you’re such an entitled prick! You don’t give a shit about anyone but yourself.”

“Why would I?” he hissed as he glared at you. 

You wiped your tears away in frustration and shook your head, “I should have never ever agreed to help you with your stupid ass shoulder.” You sighed deeply blinking away the remaining tears, “I’m done here,” you said as your feet moved towards the exit.

He grabbed both of your wrists tightly holding you there in place. Pushing against you, your feet started sliding on the floor against his strength and he pushed you into the wall. You winced in pain from the pressure on your wrists. He pressed his body into yours making you unable to move past him.

“Let me go,” you spat at him.

“No.”

You struggled against his grip, but he held you still. He held you tightly as you tried kicking your legs to escape him. You were getting fed up with him and tried moving again, which just ended up causing your body more pain. His gloved fingers dug into your skin and your body was screaming to get away from him. 

You spit in his face.

Before you could see his face react, he reached a gloved hand up and slapped you firmly across the cheek. Pain throbbed through you as you blinked trying to understand what had just happened. Your cheek immediately started feeling puffy and you could feel it getting red and hot. You glared up at him in shock.

“I hate you.”

“I know,” he said with a low menacing chuckle. He moved his face towards yours until his lips were by your ear as he whispered, “But you liked that, didn’t you Red?”

A shiver coursed through your body as you tried denying it. Honestly, though, the pain felt kind of good. 

How fucked up was that?

Another hard slap of leather sounded through the air as he slapped your other cheek causing you to gasp in pain. Your breath began to quicken as your eyelids fluttered trying to refocus your view on him. The pain coursing through you felt like adrenaline and you thrived off of the feeling. 

“Is that the best you got, Commander?” you cooed at him wickedly arching your back as you pressed your chest into him. 

He growled and harshly slapped your cheek again making your vision fade momentarily. You basked in the intense pain you felt and gave him a taunting grin back. He wound his hand up and slapped you squarely across the face again even harder. Tasting blood, you just laughed at him as he stood fuming over you. Balling up the blood in your mouth, you spat it in his face.

“Watch it, Red,” he hissed while he gathered the blood off his face and wiped it down your shirt. “Or I’ll make it really hurt.”

You licked your lips slowly while staring at him. Batting your eyelashes and faking innocence, you bent a leg and brought it up brushing it against the outside of his leg. His body jerked into yours and you laughed at him.

“Really, Daddy?” you purred running your leg up and down against his. “You’d hurt me?”

He growled and released your wrists only to literally rip your shirt off of your body. It tore in half and you gasped in surprise as he reached down to take your pants off. Your heart skipped a beat as he forcefully lifted you up, took your bra off, and shoved you into the wall. Your bare back smacked against the cold wall and you moaned wrapping your legs around his waist. 

His lips were on yours and you instantly wrapped your arms around his neck and roughly kissed him back. The kiss was persistent but sloppy as your tongues fought against each other. A deep whine left you as he pushed his hard erection into your hips. 

“You’re such a dirty whore,” he said while smacking your ass harshly.

A moan escaped your lips and you clung onto him as you began grinding your body against his. A hiss left his mouth and he slapped you again and your ass stung in pain. 

“Only for you,” you said while you kissed down his neck.

His breath quickened and he released his grip on your hips as he fumbled to remove himself under all of his layers. You started biting at his neck whining impatiently for him to release himself. A sigh of relief left his mouth as his length was free and it slapped against your stomach. 

“Does Daddy’s little slut want his cock?” he purred in your ear as he gripped his length and fisted it slowly making your mouth water at the sight. 

You nodded your head quickly in anticipation as you pulled at his hair, “Yes.”

“Beg for it, bitch,” he seethed as he continued fisting his shaft.

You whined and buckled your hips towards him in desperation, “Please Daddy. Please fuck me with your big fat cock-”

Before you could finish your sentence, Kylo shoved his entire length inside of you making you scream in pain. He pinned you against the wall and began furiously pounding into you as your legs were lazily wrapped around him. A hiss of pleasure left his lips as you squeezed against his length. Ramming to your body against the wall, you dug your nails into his neck and a low groan left his mouth.

“Look at you, taking all of me like a good girl,” he hissed as he slapped your ass.

Your bare back was being roughly pressed into the wall as he moved up and down. It felt as though there was a fire burning within your body as sweat began to drip down it. His lips were leaving harsh wet marks along your neck as you moved your hands back to his hair and tugged on it. Your tits were bouncing against his chest as he leaned into you. 

You craned your neck allowing your head to fall back in bliss as you took in every inch of him. The blissful feeling of your impending orgasm was wracking your body and you craved his touch. You wanted to cum. Needed to.

“Please Daddy,” you murmured through the loud slapping of his skin hitting yours. “Please Daddy, please can I cum?”

This made him drive his hips even faster making your whimpers grow louder with each thrust. You were on the edge and were desperate for attention on your clit. You whined into him trying to move your hips to find more friction. Growling at your actions, he held you up with only one arm as the other move around to find your clit.  
The instant his leather hand touched your tender bud you let out a low desperate moan.

“Fuck-,” you hissed loudly.

The pressure was building, and you could feel yourself on the edge of your climax. His fingers rubbed you quickly which almost completely sent you over the edge. Your body began to shake as you attempted to hold it back until he told you that you could finish. A deep rumble left his chest as he watched you struggle.

“Awe, little slut needs to cum.”

“Please, please-” you said losing the ability to form a sentence. 

He smirked, “Cum for me, little girl.”

A snarled cry left your chest as you found your peak and you tightened around him. He muffled your cry by pressing his lips roughly to yours in a messy kiss. You tried kissing him back, but your entire body shook as he continued pounding into you. 

“Fuck-” he hissed as he began to reach his climax. 

He released your legs and he let you fall to the floor. Your knees smacked the ground and you winced. Already missing the feeling of him inside of you, you scrambled up ready to receive him. 

You looked up and batted your lashes and stuck your tongue out. Kylo was fucking into his fist above your head and you waited eagerly.

“Oh fuck, baby.”

With that, hot white ropes of cum released from his hard needy shaft and landed on your face and dripped down to your chest. He let out a moan as he finished spilling his seed on you. He released his hold on his length and you kneeled up higher taking the length in your mouth. He seethed as you lightly sucked on the tip getting out the last drop. 

“Thank you, Daddy,” you cooed as you used your fingers to gather the cum from your face and your chest. You sucked your fingers clean while you stared into his eyes, “You taste so good.”

Kylo smirked in approval as he tucked himself away, “This is what good girls get when they behave.”

You shook your head as you started to stand up but instantly fell into the wall with your trembling legs. He caught your frame against his and helped to stand you upright. Gripping onto his large biceps, you steadied yourself and found your balance. 

Looking around the room, you felt a slight panic settling in realizing that your shirt was ripped in half. Grumbling, you walked around the room gathering your clothing and pulling it on. You were left standing in your pants with just your bra on. 

“Um Da- Kylo,” you mumbled as you weren’t sure what you should call him. “I don’t have a shirt.”

“Not my problem,” he said as he bent over to retrieve his helmet. 

Ugh, really.

What a brat.

“Fine,” you said as you reached for the door and opened it letting the light from the hallway poured into the room. 

He yanked you back into the room and shut the door loudly, “You can’t go out like that,” he hissed at you surveying your lacking outfit. 

“Well, I don’t have a fucking shirt.”

Rolling his eyes, he shrugged off the cape that was around his shoulders. He fastened it around your neck and pulled the sides together hiding your exposed chest and stomach. Your face flushed from the gesture. 

He dropped hands from around you and looked down at the ground. Reaching for his helmet, he started to put it back on but you grabbed his hand to stop him. Staring at you, he paused not sure what you were doing.

You cautiously reached a hand up to cup his right cheek. Using your thumb, your lightly traced down his scar. His breath hitched in his throat and he fought the urge to nestle his face into your small hand. 

Dropping your hand, you turned swiftly to leave, “Goodbye, Kylo.”

Reaching for the door handle again, you turned to face it and began to open it, but he placed a palm on the door causing it to close. 

“Kyl-”

“No, don’t go.”

You turned around to face him. His eyes deep dark eyes searched yours and his face scrunched up in thought. He didn’t know what to say.

“What do you want?” you asked lightly while you gazed up at him.

“I-I, I don’t know.”

You sighed as the frustration washed over you again, “That’s not enough.”

Turning away from him, you opened the door. This back and forth was exhausting and you didn’t think you could handle it anymore. You let out a sad sigh as you started to step into the hallway. 

Kylo grabbed your hand and turned you around to face him, “I-I want, I want…” his voice trailed off as he searched for the words.

“I wanted this,” you said with a voice thick with emotion as you gestured between the two of you. “But I just can’t. Not anymore.”

He released your hand at your words and you slowly backed into the hallway out of his reach. You looked at his eyes and quickly turned around and began to walk away. The sound of his helmet being put back on rang through the air as the door to the room shut behind you. 

Wrapping his cape around you tighter, you walked swiftly back to the area where your cot was. Your thoughts were racing in your mind and you picked up the pace wanting to get away from that damn room. 

You felt empty.

Unsure of what you wanted, you marched through the deserted hallways trying to not feel any of the emotions that were bottled up within you. Trying not to feel confused. Trying not to feel upset. Trying not to feel at all.

Reaching your destination, you quickly walked through the dim room and found your cot. Max was snoozing peacefully, and Damon was nowhere to be found. Madison was lying down with a small flashlight reading a book. She looked up at you as you approached. She sat up with a grin, but it quickly faded when she realized the cape around your body. 

“What, what’s that?” she asked sounded worried. 

You grumbled as you sank to the ground near her and buried your head in your knees, “It’s a cape…” 

“I can see that,” she said scooting closer to you. She looked down at the black fabric that was draped around you, “What happened on the date? Who was it with?”  
“Um, his name is Zed. He’s an engineer in the docking bay,” you said fiddling with your hands. “He gave me a tour of the area and it was really nice.”

“But…”

“But, what?” you asked looking at her caramel eyes as they stared back at you.

“It was nice, okay, but what happened?” she asked while folding her hands in her lap.

You hesitated, “I kissed him.”

“Oh,” she said sounding slightly surprised. “Did you like it?”

“It was, yeah it was good. He’s really sweet,” you said trying to sound convincing.

Madison tilted her head to the side, “So, now what? Do you want to see him again?”

“Honestly, I don’t think so.”

She nodded while looking down at the cape again, “Is because of the other guy?”

You gulped and nodded your head trying to avoid looking at her, “Yeah,” you said realizing what the words meant as they left your mouth. “I know I said I was done with him, and I should be, but, I just-”

Stopping yourself, you realized you really didn’t know what to say. You cared about him. Plain and simple. But it was so much more complicated than that. He was the Commander of the First Order and you were a medic. 

You kept letting yourself get hurt time and time again and ignored all of the red flags. Maybe you were infatuated with the idea of him like he had said. Maybe you were everything that he said that you were.

What was so terrible about that? 

“Who is this other guy?” Madison asked softly making you snap back into reality. “Is, is it who I think it is?”

You tried to blink away the wetness in your eyes and nodded without saying anything. 

“I think you’re wrong about him.”

“What?” you asked in shock staring at her with confusion. 

She shifted so she was sitting closer to you, “I think you’re wrong to think he doesn’t care,” she said while reaching out to touch the cape. “If he gave you this, then-”

“Him giving me the cape doesn’t mean he cares about me,” you said to her harsher than you intended to. 

She held her hands up in defense, “Okay, but he’s done other nice things too.”

You now tilted your head at her in confusion, “Like, what?”

Madison took in a deep breath before she said, “Remember when you were first here in the medbay when you got those nasty cuts?” You nodded your head as she continued, “Well, we found you in there, in that room, and brought you to the normal medical room to get stitched up,” she said using her hands to gesture while she spoke. “And, well, then Commander Ren came in because he heard about the destruction, and he immediately requested that you get the best care possible.”

“Okay, but-”

“He even insisted that you get your own private room,” she spoke softly trying to get you to understand what she was saying. “He sat there with you while you were unconscious. And he was there for a long time, just making sure you were okay.”

“What?” you asked as your heart rate began to pick up. “No, no, that can’t be true. When I woke up, he put his fucking lightsaber to my neck!”

“I know,” she said flinching from the loudness of your voice. “I can’t tell you why he did that. But he waited in there for you. Waited for you to wake up.”

Your mind was racing trying to comprehend what she was saying. Why had he blown up at you then? It didn’t make sense. 

“I-I, I don’t understand,” you said feeling the damn tears again. Wiping them away furiously you groaned at yourself for not being able to hold your emotions in, “Why didn’t you tell me about it? Did he say anything to you while he was there?”

“I’m sorry, I should have told you,” she said in a sad tone. “But to be fair, I fear his wrath more than you being upset with me. And he didn’t want you to know he had been there waiting,” she said with a light laugh. “He said something to Doc about making sure you were cared for and had a good work experience once you could begin working again.”

Against your will, your heart fluttered thinking about him. What did this all mean?

“He brought me a rose once,” you said while sitting up on your knees in excitement. The joy quickly faded when you thought about everything else that had happened, “but, we fight so much. And he never opens up to me.”

“I’m not excusing his behavior, but he might not know how to open up.”

Well, that would make sense. 

Why hadn’t you thought about that before?

“I wish he would just be honest with me, for once,” you grumbled sitting back down. You wrapped the warm cape around you and inhaled his heavenly scent, “I just don’t know what to do.”

“Do you care about him?” she asked. “Do you want something more with him?”

“Yes, but I don’t know what he wants-”

“Well, you’re never going to know if you don’t fucking ask him.”

You pouted, “I did.”

She folded her arms across her chest, “Go talk to him. Right now.”

“What? No.”

“You’re being stubborn. You will never get any kind of closure unless you go see him,” she said while lightly pushing on your shoulder.

You whined in protest, but she continued to push you to get moving. You stood up and gently took the cape off. You folded it up and set it down on your bed. Deciding you wanted to keep it for yourself, you pulled on a shirt and looked back at Madison. 

“Okay, if it ends badly, I’m blaming you.”

She laughed and shook her head as she stood up, “I’ll take the responsibility,” she said as she pulled you into a hug. 

You released her and started walking towards the exit before you could change your mind. 

Was this a good idea?

What if he was still upset at you?

Should you still be upset with him?

You decided to say fuck it to all of that and ignored your head and followed your stupid heart. 

Weaving through the empty hallways, you eventually ended up outside of Kylo’s quarters. Now that you were here, your heart was racing. You began walking back in forth in a nervous pace suddenly feeling very nervous. 

Deciding it was a dumb idea, you turned to leave. As you did, the hatch flew open making you jump. Turning around, you stared into the empty dark room. A surge of confidence you didn’t know you had coursed through you and you entered the room. 

Kylo wasn’t anywhere in the main quarters. Maybe he was in his room?

You quietly walked through until you were standing outside of his room. Taking a deep breath in, you pushed your way through into his darkly lit bedroom. You didn’t see him or hear him. What if he wasn’t here?

Anxiety began to creep into you, and you turned to leave feeling uncomfortable.

“Red?”

Your head whipped around at his husky voice. Seeing an outline of his figure, he got up from the bed that he was lying on and walked over to you. Thinking your heart might explode from your chest, you stood there staring at him.

As he got closer, you noticed he was shirtless and just wore low hanging pants around his waist. You inhaled a surprised gasp as you took in his body. It was downright beautiful. Like he was carved by the gods themselves. The muscles on his wide shoulders tensed and relaxed with every movement he made. His arms did the same making you blink staring at their size. His chest was chiseled, and it led down to his tight torso. 

Wow.

And this man wanted to fuck you?

This man really wanted to do things with you.

You, of all people. 

But you looked so average and-

“Stop,” he said finally standing in front of you. “Don’t say those things about yourself.”

Your mouth hung open in amazement as you shamelessly continued to stare at him. His skin looked so soft and it glowed underneath the light in the room. His body was peppered with freckles and you found yourself wanting to run your hands all over him. 

Clearing your throat, you looked up into his golden flecked eyes, “I-I, I just came here, um, t-to say…” you trailed off feeling shy about what you wanted to tell him.  
A tiny smile spread across his face and he stopped until he was close enough to touch you. He held out his hand, and you took it adoring how the warmth felt against yours. He led you towards the bed and stopped before it. 

Gently, as if he thought you would break, he grabbed the bottom of your shirt. You raised your arms above your head, and he pulled the shirt over your head. Releasing the clasps of your bra, you dropped it to the floor. You slipped off your pants and added them to the pile.   
Looking at him, you immediately yearned to touch him. 

Kylo pulled the covers back and crawled into the bed leaving room for you. He patted the space on the bed next to him gently, and you climbed in after him. When your skin hit the soft silk sheets, he reached for you and pulled you close. 

The feeling of your bare torso pressed against his sent a shiver down your spine. You rested a hand on his large chest feeling his heart beating. He draped an arm around your waist holding on to you as if he thought you would float away. Tenderly, he began tracing slow circles on your back as he stared into your eyes. 

“I-I want, I want…” you said not sure what you wanted to say.

“I know,” he hummed at you as he kissed you lightly on your forehead.

A euphoric feeling spread throughout your body and you snuggled into his warm large frame. You shut your eyes inhaling his scent. Gently, you started drawing lazily on his chest with your finger. He grabbed your hand with his other free hand that wasn’t holding your waist. He pulled up your clasped hands and kissed them. 

Your eyelids fluttered closed as you absorbed the feeling of being next to him. In his bed. Next to his bare chest. Soon, you began drifting off to sleep to the sound of his quiet breaths. 

Kylo felt you fall asleep next to him and looked down at your small figure next to him. His heart swelled thinking of you. 

Maybe- just maybe, he thought to himself, this could work.


	23. At What Cost?

Kylo had the same reoccurring nightmares each night.

They would consist of flashes from when he was growing up and the feelings of being neglected and unloved. Flashes from his Jedi training and when the temples were destroyed. Flashes of the look on Luke’s face as he stood over a young Kylo wanting to kill him. Flashes of seeing his father taking his last breath. 

At some point, after your incident in the medbay, he had begun seeing flashes of your blood-covered body while you lay unconscious. The panic he felt from those nightmares shook his entire body and made him wake up in a cold sweat. 

This utterly confused him at first. But over time, his stubbornness around it all faded and he had come to terms with the reasoning. Even if he didn’t want to admit it.   
The night terrors would all keep him awake at night. He would toss and turn never feeling comfortable. Instead, he usually would sleep for short bursts of time. Just enough so he could function for his busy days, but not long enough for the nightmares to kick in. 

Tonight, was different.

Having your body next to his, clinging to him, he felt calm. Your body was at peace as it quietly snoozed next to his. You held onto him like you were afraid he would disappear. 

It was a nice feeling. Having someone there. He had been alone for so long. 

As hard as it was to admit to himself, he couldn’t pretend anymore that he didn’t have feelings towards you. You and your incredible attitude had crawled right into his life and he couldn’t exactly pinpoint why you stuck, but he couldn’t let you go now. 

Although, he still didn’t want any attachments.

It would be a distraction from his training with the Supreme Leader. 

He had tried to keep his mind free of you while around Snoke in fear that he would find out about you. You needed to be kept safe. And he couldn’t guarantee your safety around his own master. Kylo still had more to complete and couldn’t risk messing up all of his progress now. 

He had so many other things to worry about. The damn scavenger girl was off on some planet with Luke training with him. How she found him, Kylo didn’t quite know. Obviously, the Resistance had the map to him, but Luke had still somehow managed to stay hidden for so long. 

Part of Kylo missed his old life. His life as Ben Solo. But now, that whole past was dead to him. He was focused on the now. The goals of now. 

But you were a distraction. An attachment. One he didn’t need.

That’s why he always pushed you away. He tried to make you see him for what he truly was. What he truly is.

A monster.

For some reason, you kept coming back. You would get mad at him, rightfully so, and yet, you still continued to be with him. 

From reading your thoughts, he knew you had feelings for him. He still couldn’t understand why. He had been nothing but utterly terrible towards you. And now, here you were, in his bed.

He admired the way your eyelashes fluttered against your cheeks as you slept. Your hair splayed out behind you making you look like a goddess. Your chest lightly rose with each breath you took. The softness of your skin made him want to run his hands over every part of you. 

Everything about you was so much smaller and more delicate than him. Your tiny hands clutched onto his chest holding him for dear life. Your whole body was curled into his as if made to do so. 

Kylo crept into your mind and was relieved to know you hadn’t had any nightmares yet and he was hoping that it would stay that way. 

Lightly, he raised his hand up and brushed it through your hair. It was soft and smelt of a sweet clean soap making him want to nuzzle his head in it. 

You began to stir, and your eyelids opened slightly to look up at him. 

Even in the dark, he was in awe of your beauty. You reached up and lightly caressed his face making his heart skip a beat. It was thudding in his chest so loud he guessed you could probably hear it. You smiled at him as you traced the features on his face sending a shiver through his body. 

With such gentle movements, Kylo thought he had imagined it, you reached up and kissed his cheek leaving his face feeling flushed.

Trying to get comfortable again, you rolled over, so your bare back was pressed against his chest. The contact of your skin against his made him feel an overwhelming sense of relief and tranquility. He wrapped both of his arms around you and tucked his chin in the crook of your neck as he tucked his legs up underneath yours. You let out a small sigh in contentment as you fell back asleep as you held onto his arms around you.

Shortly afterward, Kylo finally fell asleep listening to the soft breaths leaving your mouth and slept dreamlessly.

\---

A soft nibble on your thigh woke you from your deep sleep and you tried swatting the feeling away. The bed was cold against your skin and you shuddered. A sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach arose realizing Kylo wasn’t lying next to you. 

Trying to gather more of the covers and roll over, you came to the realization that your legs were being pinned to the bed. Your eyes slowly batted open and you tried to focus your vision on what was happening. In your current state, you couldn’t quite comprehend what was happening. 

Large warm hands trailed up and down your legs making you let out a low whine from your chest. Lifting your head slightly off of the pillow, you saw the massive frame of Kylo underneath the sheets. You gently grabbed the soft silk sheets and picked them up and saw him smirking up at you as he lay between your legs. 

Still drowsy, you tried to blink to get a better look at him. He looked downright delicious. His normally tame dark hair was tousled and messy as it tickled against your thighs. He had a look of freshness on his face as if he just had the best night of sleep he’d ever had. 

His hands made their way up from your thighs and over your stomach to your breasts as he gently tweaked at your nipples making your skin become covered in goosebumps. His mouth was placing soft kisses on your thighs and you let out a quiet sigh of pleasure and arched your back. He reached for the sheets throwing them off of him, so his entire body was revealed.

“Morning,” you said in a breathy gasp as his mouth moved closer to your center. 

His tongue was tracing lines up your thighs making you shudder beneath him, “Good morning,” he said back in a husky tone as his hands explored your upper body. 

Kylo’s mouth was now reaching the band of your underwear and was placing small bites along it making you close your eyes from the feeling. He began teasing you as he ran his hands up and down your covered folds. Ever so slowly, he pulled your underwear down and tossed them to the side. 

His mouth went immediately to kiss your innermost thighs without touching where you wanted him to. Making eye contact with you, he seductively bat his eyes as he moved his hands down to aid his mouth.

A quick moan left your chest as he placed his tongue on your center. Your hands went to his curly hair and twisted around the messy locks. His tongue explored your folds as it made its way up to your clit. The pleasure was building, and you resisted buckling your hips into his face. 

The slow pace he moved his mouth at made you let out a cry of desperation wanting to begin the climb of finding your climax. He chuckled lowly and used a finger to trace your center. His other arm looped up and around your hip holding you there in place. 

Kylo sucked, nibbled, and licked at your nub causing waves of shock and desire through your entire body. Sticking a finger in slowly, he began pumping it into you as you squeezed around him. 

“Good girl,” he hummed at you as he stuck his face down into you again.

Just seeing his large frame beneath your legs made you want to scream in need right then and there. You tried holding back your orgasm so you could enjoy watching him pleasure you a bit longer.

“Oh, fuck-” you groaned as your head tilted back into the pillows.

He added another finger into you slowly and moved in and out letting you adjust to the width. You felt yourself dripping now and he was lapping up all the juices. 

Adding yet another finger, you felt thoroughly stretched and relished the feeling of being full of him. He whispered hushes of encouragement as you started to reach your peak. 

Your legs began to tremble, and your breath quickened, and you knew you couldn’t hold it back any longer. The feeling of his tongue against your clit and his fingers pumping in and out was too much to handle. You tugged on his hair unable to hold it in any longer. 

“Kylo-”

“That’s it,” he praised as his hand movements continued. “Cum for me baby girl.”

At that, a burst of hot brilliance washed over you and you let out a shriek of pleasure. Gasping for air, your entire body shook beneath him. He moved his mouth down to greedily lick up the juices leaking out of you from your climax. 

Your eyelids fluttered open and saw him slowly sit up. Seeing his evident arousal underneath his pants you scooched towards him as you sat up. A flash of passion was in Kylo’s eyes as he pulled your face towards his. You climbed into his lap and kissed him harshly. Tasting yourself on him, you bit his lip making him let out a low whimper. 

Wrapping your naked body around his, your hands wove through his hair yet again and you enjoyed its silky feeling. He held you close as he kissed his way down your neck. You arched your back and pressed your chest into him. He moved his wet kisses from your neck down to your chest. A moan left you as you began rocking your hips into him. 

He quickly grabbed your hips to stop your movement, “No, Red.”

You instantly had a pout on your face, “Wait, why not?”

He chuckled and grabbed your face and kissed it before saying, “You have to work.”

You whined and sat your forehead on his chest, “But I don’t wanna.”

He laughed again and pulled your legs up until he was cradling you in his arms. Moving his entire body, he gently got off of the bed while still holding you to his chest. You were pouting sufficiently as he walked you over to his closet. He set you down softly as if he thought you would break and opened the closet doors. 

You opened your mouth with curiosity as to what he was doing and was shocked when he placed a set of clean scrubs in your hands. Staring up at him, you waited for him to say something and when he didn’t, you simply stared down at the clothing in your arms.

“I knew you would need them here eventually,” Kylo said casually as he reached for clean clothing for himself. 

“But, but-” you started to say but stopped as you were still in shock.

“You should get changed, you need to work soon,” he said as he leaned over to kiss your forehead. 

Standing there with the clothing, you watched him cross the room with his clothing in his hands and walked into the shower. You numbly pulled on the scrubs and noticed that there were a pair of underwear and a bra folded up within the top and bottoms. Your heart warmed at the thought of him having all of this here for you. 

You pulled on the outfit and glanced at the time. As usual, you were running late. Quickly, you ran to find your shoes and were about to run out of the bedroom before you froze. Backing up, you walked over to the shower door and knocked. A muffled noise from Kylo came from beyond the door and you cautiously opened it. 

The room was filled with steam as the shower was running. You stood there twirling your hands together not sure what to say. 

“Um, have a good day,” you said trying to keep the nervousness out of your voice. 

The shower curtain was pulled away a bit to reveal Kylo’s head. His hair was dripping wet and clung to his face. He looked adorable.

“I’ll see you later,” he said with a smirk and ducked his head back under the water.

You smiled and turned to leave the room when he poked his head out again, “You may return here to sleep tonight, if you’d like.”

“Okay,” you replied feeling a lightness in your chest as you left his room.

You almost couldn’t contain your joy as you left his quarters and headed towards the medbay. Things had flipped over so quickly and you didn’t know exactly what had caused that to happen, but you weren’t complaining.

Practically skipping, you got to the bay and waltzed in to say hello to Jerry. He was typing away furiously and he simply waved at you as you passed. You wanted to find Madison and looked around the bay for her.

Finally, you found her rummaging around in the supplies closet. You ran up to her and startled her making her drop what she was holding. 

You bent down to get the supplies, “Fuck, I’m sorry,” you said with a chuckle. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

She held a hand to her chest to calm her breathing, “That’s okay. I should have known you’d come and scare me in here.”

“Hey, it wasn’t on purpose,” you said standing back up and handing her the supplies. 

“I know, I’m only teasing,” she said with a wink as she turned to leave the room. “So, how did it go last night?”

You followed her out of the room and towards the operation rooms, “It was magical.”

She turned her head to look at you with a raised eyebrow, “Did you talk to him?”

A flush crept over your cheeks, “Uh, well, technically, no.”

Madison let out a frustrated sigh, “You’re never going to resolve anything if you don’t-”

“I know, I know,” you said grumbling as you crossed your arms. The two of you made it into the room and Madison set down her supplies, “But we didn’t argue.”

She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms across her chest, “I’m not going to be happy about all of this until you actually talk to him.”

A huff left your mouth, “Yeah, you’re right.”

“I just don’t want you to continue to get hurt,” she said gently while organizing the supplies in front of her. “All you seem to do with him is hook up.”

“That’s not true-”

“Really?” she asked looking at you doubtfully. 

You swallowed the lump in your throat, “Well, okay…”

“Are you being careful?” she asked looking at you with concerned eyes. “You don’t want to get pregnant.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve had the implanted birth control for a long time.”

“Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be careful,” she said with a tone of worry.

You sighed, “I know. And I appreciate your concern.”

“Okay, good,” she said as she finished moving the supplies around. “I brought your datapad, it’s in the break room.”

“Thank you,” you said taking a step towards her. “I’ll see you for dinner?”

“Of course,” she said with a smile. 

You returned the smile and went to get your datapad. Grabbing it off of the counter, you saw an odd notification on there. It said you were needed in the control center towards the end of your shift. Shrugging it off, you went about your day. 

The gleeful feeling you had from the morning with Kylo stuck with you as you worked. The day flew by, thankfully, and you enjoyed your time with the patients that you saw. You struck up conversations with almost everyone. 

You mostly tended to incoming patients, or the ones who weren’t scheduled, since those were the most emergent ones. People were always injuring themselves, someone. Burns, cuts, and even breaking bones and tearing ligaments. The familiar thrill of working coursed through you and gave you energy throughout the day. 

Checking your datapad, you saw that you were scheduled to do a surgery tomorrow. Excitement bubbled in you as the day came to an end.

With a panic, you remembered the earlier notification and checked it again. You needed to be in the command center within the next half hour. Finishing up your tasks in front of you, you went over to Jerry’s office to ask if he knew anything about it. Oddly, his office was empty. 

Shrugging your shoulders, you washed your hands before leaving the bay with your datapad clutched in your arms. The geometric hallways were relatively busy as you found your way to your destination. 

The room was vaguely similar to the center that Kori worked in back on the base. Your heart panged thinking about it and you tried not to get emotional. 

You weren’t entirely sure where to go in this center, and you hesitated while standing at the entrance. The area was large and was polished clean. There were dozens of workers sitting at control panels while Generals weaved through them. Some stood over the bridge observing the entire operation. Troopers were scattered amongst them and some were guarding doorways. 

The two that greeted you at the doors seemed unimpressed with your attire, but you told them you had been summoned and showed them the notification. They grudgingly let you into where you were now looking around. 

A familiar head of red hair began to approach the door and you forced yourself not to scowl at him. Hux walked right up to you and without saying a word, moved his hand in an indication to follow him. Trying not to trip, you scurried behind him as he walked towards his office. 

It was a relatively large space with an impressively nice dark desk sitting in the middle. In front of it sat two plush armchairs and you were surprised to see Jerry sitting in one of them. He gave you an encouraging smile and you slowly sat down in the chair next to him. Hux sat down at the desk and folded his pale hands in front of him. 

“It has come to my attention,” he started to say in his whiny commanding voice, “That you have been recommended to work in the General’s bay.”

Wait, what.

You stared back at him in disbelief- had you heard that correctly?

“You will begin working there every other day to get adjusted,” he droned on sounding bored. “Once you are adjusted, you will be working there full time.”

You blinked in shock. Turning your head, you looked at Jerry to see his reaction. He simply smiled back at you with a slow encouraging nod. 

“You will also be required to help with any and all emergencies that enter the General’s Bay,” Hux continued as if he was reading from a script. “When necessary, you will work in the other medbay with Dr. Jerry Walters when needed.” 

You looked back at Hux completely dumbfounded. 

Your mind went blank. 

This all seemed too good to be true. 

How was this happening to you?

You tried to blink quickly, and you could feel tears prick at your eyes as you listened to him. All you had ever wanted was recognition for all of the hard work that you did. You had been stuck wearing the same light gray scrubs for years, which indicated that you were still at a ‘trainee’ level. Whereas Damon had been given his dark gray scrubs almost immediately after starting. 

Finally, finally, you were moving upwards.

“And,” Hux said breaking you away from your trance. “You will begin combat training so when necessary, you will accompany Generals on missions as their personal medic along with a trained team.”

This made your heart skip a beat. Combat training? 

You didn’t think you were quite ready for that.

General Hux rummaged in the desk drawer near him and pulled out a pen. He pushed a piece of paper in front of you that you hadn’t noticed was sitting on the desk until now. Realizing it was a contract, you swallowed the lump of nervousness in your throat. 

“Here’s the contract stating your new duties. You have until tomorrow to decide,” he said as he stood up swiftly from behind his desk. Walking towards the door with his hands behind his back, he turned back to look at you, “Please do make a decision quickly, I hate waiting.”

With that, he left the room and shut the door behind him. You turned to face Jerry with a face of utter surprise. 

“W-What was that?” you asked him while trying to slow down your breathing.

“You’ve been such a diligent and hard worker, I thought it was the right time,” he said heartily grabbing your hands in his. “You deserve this.”

“B-But,” you said trying to focus your thoughts. “What about people like Madison? She’s so much more talented than me, and she has been working here for so long-”  
“She turned it down,” Jerry said with a shrug. “She doesn’t want to become a combat medic.”

You glanced over to the contract sitting over on the table. If Madison had turned it down, shouldn’t you do the same?

After all, you had the same moral beliefs as her and didn’t ever want to have to kill someone. This position would definitely make you have to break that. But at the same time, you wanted to work in the General’s medbay. You wanted to be there for all of the big emergencies and help even more people. 

At what cost though?

“I-I’ll have to think about it,” you said releasing your hands from his grip as you picked up the contract. 

“Well, take the night to think about it, okay?” Jerry said as he began to stand up. “You’d do really well in that bay.”

He started walking towards the door and left the room for you to be alone. Your hands shook as you stared down at the piece of paper in front of you.

What were you supposed to do?

Still in a state of shock, you took the contract and your datapad and left the center and walked through the hallway towards the dining hall. Your mind was racing. Good thing you had time to think about it; you needed the night to dwell on all of the possibilities that the job would come with. 

You’d probably end up spiraling thinking about it, but that’s a later problem.

Entering the hall, you glanced around looking for your friends. Spotting them all at a table across the room, you walked over to them and sat down. Sitting down next to Max, you saw that he had already gotten you dinner and it was sitting on a tray next to him. 

“Hey babes, how was your day?” he asked you with a big smile on his face. 

Without saying anything, you handed him the contract and began eating. He glanced over it and let out a loud yelp of excitement making everyone at your table and the surrounding ones look at him in a panic.

“What?” Madison asked with a tone of worry.

“What is it?” Damon asked sitting up straighter.

“She’s getting promoted!” he yelled as he pulled you into a hug.

You swallowed your food and sat there awkwardly, “Well, not yet.”

“You are?” Damon asked slowly as his face clouded in confusion.

Madison clapped her hands over her chest, “Really? Oh yay!” she said with a big grin. “I knew they would ask you!”

Looking at her, you opened your mouth in shock, “Why didn’t you say anything if you knew?”

“Well, I wasn’t sure,” she said taking a sip of water. “But I assumed they would.”

“When did they ask you?” you said taking another bite of your food as Max began reading the contract in depth. 

“Before I ever met you,” she responded setting her cup down. “And I guess they never filled the position.”

“Girl, this is so exciting!” Max said as he finished reading. “This position sounds so badass.”

You chuckled and grabbed the sheet of paper back from him, “I don’t know if I’ll accept it yet. I have a lot to think about.”

“Like what?” Madison asked with curiosity.

“I don’t really like the idea of being a combat medic,” you said slowly while looking down at the paper. “I just need time to think it over.”

“Well, we’ll support you no matter what you choose,” Max said as he squeezed your arm lightly. 

You smiled and thanked him. Finishing the rest of your dinner, you chatted with Max and Madison about their days while Damon sat there in silence. He got up before the group did to dump his tray. You ignored his weird attitude and left the hall arm in arm with the other two. 

Reaching your cots and setting down the contract and your datapad, you told them about Kylo wanting you to spend the night again. Max downright almost made you deaf from the scream he let out. He begged to know what was happening with all of that and you filled both of them in on everything that had happened. 

“I think he really likes you,” Madison said with a smile.

“Me too, even though he’s done a lot of shitty things in the past,” Max said. He paused and looked at you with an excited expression, “Well, what are you waiting for? Go see him!”

They practically shoved you out of the room and you happily obliged. The hallways were busier now as you walked down them in a hurry. Dodging groups of people, you swiftly moved through them. You were excited to see Kylo and tell him about the exciting news. 

It was such a different feeling; knowing you were going to see him. Knowing that this time was different because he wanted you there. Wanted to see you.

You finally reached the hallway leading to multiple Generals quarters and made your way down it towards Kylo’s. His room was at the very end, of course, and it took a while to get there. 

Hearing footsteps suddenly behind you, you slowed down wondering where they had suddenly come from. 

“Where the fuck are you going?” a cold familiar voice echoed through the hallway behind you.

Turning around you saw a fuming Damon walking up to you, “Damon, what-”

“Is this how you got your little promotion?” he spat at you while getting closer. “You’re sleeping with a General?” 

Your mouth opened and then closed in shock. 

What the hell?

“I knew you were a slut, but I didn’t think it was this bad,” he sneered at you as he was now only feet away from you. 

“Damon, what the fuck-”

“I saw you go on a date last night. But I guess one guy wasn’t enough for you, so you had to come up here for another one.”

Uh, rude.

“You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about,” you growled at him.

“Oh really? You mean you weren’t up here last night?”

You backed away from him and your back collided with the cold wall. No words left your open mouth as you stared at him.

“I knew it, you’re such a fucking bitch. I can’t believe that you would get this promotion and not me,” he hissed at you walking even closer. He stood directly in front of you cornering you against the wall, “You don’t deserve that position-”

Before he could finish his words, you raised a hand and slapped him squarely across the face.

“Don’t you dare-”

This set him off and he grabbed your wrists and pinned them above your head. You wiggled beneath him, but his grip was harsh making you whimper in pain. 

How the fuck were you going to get out of this?


	24. Hands Off of Me

Panic coursed through your body as Damon had you pinned up against the wall. You were too far away from Kylo’s quarters for him to hear your shouting.

Where the hell was he when you needed him? Couldn’t he just use his magic mind-reading skills and come save you?

Guess not.

Well, fuck.

But Damon wouldn’t actually hurt you, would he?

Based on his movements and his facial expression, it seemed like he might. The look on his face showed just how angry he was. His grip on your wrists was tight and painful and he was close enough that he completely immobilized you. Realizing just how much bigger he was, you gulped down your fear and looked up at him with pleading eyes.

“Damon, please,” you begged. “Please, you’re hurting me.”

An emotion crossed over his eyes as he stared down at you and then quickly looked away. He was panting heavily still holding on with an insane grip. You could already feel the bruises forming on your wrists and wished you could move, but your entire body felt like it was stuck against the wall. There was no use fighting against him now.

Anxiety built up within you and panic started to set in.

What was he going to do?

“Damon,” you said again trying to get his attention. “Damon, please. Can we just talk about this?”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” he growled looking back at you.

“What do you want from me?” you asked with a wince as his hands tightened.

He was so close to you now that his chest was pressed up against yours. You could feel the anger rolling off of him and it soaked into you. Your heart was beating so fast.

A couple of months ago, you would have given anything and everything to be this close to him. To be in this position. For him to recognize you as more than just a little kid. For him to realize you were a person.

Well, a lot has changed since then.

“Please,” you pleaded with him trying to pull your wrists away. “Please, I don’t know what you want from-”

Before you could finish your sentence, he bent down and kissed you.

His lips were rough against yours and you tried you move your head away, but he pressed himself harder against you. His eyes were shut as he kissed you and you took your chance.

With all of the strength you had, you swung your right knee directly upwards hitting him square in the groin. He let out a howl of pain and reached down towards the injury releasing your wrists in the process. As he hunched over, you used both hands and grabbed the back of his head pushing it down and smacking it against your raised knee.

His nose let out a satisfying crunch as it smashed into your kneecap and he wailed again. Damon was now rolling on the floor as blood dripped out of his nose and down his face.

You had never felt so empowered.

“Keep your fucking hands off of me,” you spat at him as you slowly backed away from his curled-up figure lying on the ground.

He held his nose with one hand and his groin in the other. Blinking rapidly, he looked up at you, “You’re a fucking bitch,” he hissed as blood dripped down his chin onto his neck.

“I know,” you sneered back at him as you circled his cowering frame. “Stay the hell away from me.”

You started to take steps away from him and towards the direction you wanted to go when he yelled out your name making you freeze. He hadn’t called you that in years. Hadn’t called you anything other than kid or kiddo for years.

“Please, I’m sorry-”

Taking a step towards him, you leaned over to make eye contact with him, “Sorry isn’t going to cut it here, buddy.”

“No wait, please,” he whined as he tried to sit up. “I love you.”

You scoffed and rolled your eyes, “Yeah, okay. Fuck off.”

“No, I’m being serious. I’ve always loved you,” Damon said slowly starting to stand up as he let out a groan from the pain.

“Why are you doing this? You can’t seriously think anything would happen after what you just-”

“Can you just give me a chance?”

What the fuck.

Um, no, you idiot.

“No,” you yelled back throwing your hands up. “I would never date my sister’s old boyfriend. I would never date you regardless.”

He wobbled trying to find his balance as he took step towards you and you mirrored it by stepping away, “Don’t be like that. She would want us to be happy.”

“Not like this,” you hissed still in shock from his request. “It’s never going to happen.”

Damon rolled his eyes and moved closer to you again making you step back, “C’mon, why not?”

You hesitated, “Because there’s someone else.”

He scoffed and let out a chuckle, “Who? Who would want to-”

As if the galaxy finally heard your silent panicked pleas, you heard heavy boots walking behind you.

A wave of relief washed over you and you stepped backward again. A large warm gloved hand rested on top of your shoulder lightly and you instinctively reached upwards to rest your hand on top of it.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Damon said in disbelief while he looked past you directly at a fuming Kylo. He clearly wasn’t expecting you to be serious about what you had set, let alone that you had meant the Commander.

“Is there a problem here?” Kylo growled at him as his hand moved from your shoulder to rest on your hip.

A smugness crept over your face and a wave of joy bolted through you seeing Damon’s shocked face, “No, Commander,” you cooed glaring at the pathetic sight in front of you. “I was just passing by this piece of trash.”

Damon’s face turned red and puffed up as he took another step towards the two of you standing there. Kylo took a step in front of you shielding your body behind his and placed his hand on his saber that was strapped to his belt. Taking the cue, Damon slowly held his hands up in defense as he took a step away.

“You should probably get that looked at,” Kylo snickered at him looking Damon up and down.

“Of course, Commander,” Damon spat back trying to stand up straighter and size up Kylo.

“My girl did that to you?” Kylo mocked as he pointed to the blood dripping down his face and his hunched over body. "You're pathetic," he sneered while glaring at him.

Damon just stared back at him and turned to leave, but stopped and said, “Have fun with your little whore. Good luck keeping her legs shut”

Fucking idiot.

Kylo’s hand immediately grabbed his saber igniting it and the red blade crackled to life sending fear straight through you. He took a few steps towards Damon holding the saber up to his face taunting him.

You rushed around from behind him and placed a hand on his broad armored chest trying to get him to look at you, “Kylo, no-”

“What did you say to me?” the Commander seethed at Damon taking another step towards him as Damon stood there with a smirk.

“I said,” Damon said clearing his throat. “Have fun with your-”

“No, stop!” you yelled trying to stop the both of them.

“Don’t you fucking dare-” Kylo hissed swinging the blade back to prepare to strike down.

You grabbed his right wrist that was holding the saber and tried to get him to look at you, “No, don’t, please,” you said. As much as you loathed Damon right now, you didn’t want him dead.

His eyes ripped away from his attack and looked down at you. Tears were now welled up in your eyes and you gripped his arm tighter trying to pull his arm down. Your heart was beating fast and your anxiety was through the roof. Slowly, Kylo lowered his arm and shut off his lightsaber.

You grabbed his arm and lightly pulled it towards the direction of his quarters, “Let’s go.”

Damon stood there rolling his eyes, “Who would think that the Commander of the First Order was pussy whipped by some bitch.”

Kylo let out a growl and lunged towards Damon and you used all of your weight to push against him, but it was no use. You fell to the ground harshly and tried to break your fall with your hands.

Your left hand landed at an odd angle and you heard a sickening crunch as your wrist snapped beneath you. Tears instantly pooled in your eyes and you watched as Kylo plowed into Damon knocking him to the ground in a loud thud.

A quiet scream ripped through you as the pain from your hard fall hit you and Kylo whipped his head around just as he had put his hands around Damon’s neck. Seeing your distress, he stood up quickly and kicked Damon to the side, literally, and ran over to your hunched body on the ground.

“Is it broken?” he asked as emotion crept through his deep brown eyes and he lightly held onto your upper arm.

“I think so,” you said trying to stop crying, but the pain was insanely powerful, and your entire body was on edge.

Kylo wordlessly swept you up into his arms cradling you to his chest and walked past a cowering Damon on the floor. You held onto him with your right arm trying not to move the other one and you whined in pain. Your whole arm felt like it was on fire and you wanted to rip it off of your body. Shutting your eyes, you tried to steady your breathing and you inhaled Kylo’s calming scent.

Before you knew it, he had navigated you through the dark ship and its long hallways. He was moving so quickly you didn’t even notice anyone as you passed through. Soon enough, you were in the Generals medbay and Kylo was shouting orders at the medics in there. They scurried around in fear as he walked you into the hallway towards the examination room. Once inside an empty one, he ever so gently laid your body down on the bed and sat in a nearby stool.

“I’m fine, really,” you said as you winced to sit up.

Kylo’s face was full of worry as he moved a warm hand to your chest to push you back to lying down, “Stop moving, you’ll make it worse.”

You let out a sigh as you followed his orders and laid back down. A doctor walked through the door, took one look at Kylo’s huge presence in the room, and their face turned ghostly white. You guessed most people on the ship had never seen the Commander without his helmet off before. And here he was without one, in a small room with an unknown medic, looking furious.

Probably a little bit intimidating.

Taking a nervous breath, they walked over to you, “Hi, I’m Doctor Elliot Barnes,” he said as he cleared his throat.

Kylo straightened up and his hand that was on your right arm tensed as the Doctor moved closer, “We need her wrist looked at right away,” he said glaring at Elliot.

“Hi,” you said trying to force a calm smile on your face as you introduced yourself. “I think it’s broken, but I should get X-Rays to be sure.”

Elliot nodded his head as he tentatively moved closer to you, “Are you a medic?” he asked while looking down at your scrubs.

“Oh, yes, I am,” you said while trying to sit up again. Feeling Kylo’s grip on your arm again, you stopped moving, “Although, I actually just got offered a promotion up to this medbay though.”

Hmm, maybe should have told Kylo the news before telling this random Doctor.

Whoops.

“Oh really?” Elliot asked as a smile crept over his face. “That’s wonderful, we love new recruits around here.”

You glanced nervously at Kylo waiting for his reaction and he showed no emotion except for his lip slightly creeping upwards. A smile crept over your face as you looked back up at Elliot. He sat down on a nearby stool and gently picked up your arm to examine your wrist. A hiss of pain left your mouth and Kylo scooted closer to you on his stool and moved both of his hands up to rest lightly on your side.

A feeling of comfort washed over you as his warm hands held onto you. Dr. Barnes set your wrist down and confirmed that you would need X-Rays and a cast if it was broken. You were moved into another room for the scans and they confirmed that you had a break. Moving back to the room you were first in, Elliot held up the scans showing you and Kylo.

“Okay, so based on the scans, it looks like you have a break right here-”

“In my Radius bone,” you said looking over the scans yourself. “I’ll need a cast. And some pain medication if you don't mind.”

You could practically hear the smirk on Kylo’s face even though he was sitting behind you. He coughed as he tried to hide his laughter.

“Well, yes, of course. I mean, you know how to read these scans,” Elliot said nervously as his face began to flush. “Right, okay. Let’s get you a cast.”

Over the next hour, you patiently sat and waited while you got a cast put on your wrist that traveled half-way up your left arm. It was a thin cast and wasn’t as bulky as you feared it would be. The First Order did have the best medical equipment, after all, so you really shouldn’t have expected anything less.

They gave you pain medication and some for later if it began to hurt again. You left the bay saying goodbye to the Doctor and walked into the empty outside hallway. Convincing Kylo you could walk by yourself, the two of you walked in line back to his quarters. When you reached the hallway where Damon had been, you noticed that the blood that had been on the floor was already scrubbed clean.

They were definitely efficient here.

As you neared the doors to Kylo’s quarters, he placed a gloved hand on your lower back leading you into the room. The hatch flew open and you walked in with him closely behind. Once it shut, he immediately grabbed your face with both of his hands and kissed you. A startled gasp left your mouth and it turned into a moan as you wrapped your arms around his waist.

He deepened the kiss sliding his tongue into your mouth. Biting your lip, he pulled lightly against it and a shudder ran through your body. Moving away from your mouth, he held your face and ran his thumb over lips and your eyes fluttered while looking into his.

“Are you okay?” he whispered as his other hand moved down to your back.

You tightened your grip around his waist, “Yes,” you hummed back. “I am now.”

"It's all my fault."

"No, no it's not," you said. "It was an accident."

He kissed the top of your head, “What happened in the hallway?” he asked softly while moving his hand to grip under your jaw.

“Um,” you started to say thinking of all that had happened earlier. “Can’t you just, um, read the thoughts in my head so I don’t have to say it out loud.”

He let out a sigh, and pulled you closer, “That piece of scum will pay for what-”

“No,” you said reaching up and making him look at you. “Don’t hurt him.”

“Why not?” he lowly growled moving his hands through your hair. “He hurt you.”

“I’m okay,” you said reassuringly. “Please, don’t worry.”

Kylo bent back over and gently kissed you. You kissed him back pressing your body against his making him quietly groan. Moving his hands down quickly, he bent over grabbing underneath your thighs pulling your body up to straddle him. Your arms flew around his neck as you grasped onto him. He started to knead your ass as you secured your legs around his waist.

Navigating through his dark living area, he walked towards his bedroom. He made his way into the dimly lit room and over to the large black bed as he flung the two of you onto it. Your legs were still wrapped around him as his weight pressed down on you while his lips never left yours. You could feel his erection through his layers, and you moaned again running your hands through his hair.

He began to grind his length into you and you instantly wanted more friction from him. You tightened your legs releasing your mouth from his to let out a gasp of pleasure. His mouth moved down your neck leaving sloppy kisses.

“Take this off,” you cooed reaching onto his shoulders. “Please.”

He stopped and looked at you and then began to climb over you and off of the bed, “Only if you do the same,” he said with a smirk.

You grinned and sat up to take off your scrub top, thermal, and bra and tossed them off the bed. Laying back down, you pulled off your pants and underwear and tossed them too. You eagerly looked up at Kylo and gasped seeing his bare toned chest. He still had his pants on, but you didn’t want to push him.

He crawled over your naked body instantly putting his wet mouth around your already hard nipples. You arched your back in response and shut your eyes. Everything he did to your body felt heavenly.

He knew exactly what he was doing with his hands and his mouth. He chuckled lowly, obviously hearing your thoughts, and moved his mouth down your stomach. Leaving kisses on your skin until he reached your folds, he looked up at you.

“My little girl,” he said as he moved his fingers up and down your exposed lips. “Being so good for me.”

“Yes,” you cooed back. “Just for you.”

He slowly moved his thumb in a circle over your clit making you squeal. You were already dripping at his touch and you wiggled your hips hoping for him to move faster.

“So eager,” he hummed as he moved his hands quicker. He bent down so his face was in your cunt and he licked your mound as he moved his fingers down to your center. “Is this what you want?” he asked as he traced the opening.

You nodded silently unable to speak. He was torturing you and he knew it. Your body was begging to be fucked and you longed to feel him inside of you.

He pushed two fingers inside and began to pump them in and out of you, “You’re so wet for me.”

Kylo continued these movements as he slipped another finger in and your hips buckled at the extra width. His mouth moved to your clit and he began sucking on it causing a moan to escape your lips. Your hands reached down and gripped on to his hair.

You closed your eyes absorbing all of the sensations you were feeling. The climb to your climax had begun and your heart began beating quickly. You heard a ruffle of clothing and you opened your eyes to see Kylo slowly stroking himself.

You nearly came just watching him eat you out while he fisted his length.

“Fuck,” you whined throwing your head back into the pillow.

“Does the little girl want to get fucked?” he asked as he continued pumping his fingers in and out of you.

“Yes,” you whined. “Yes, Commander.”

He removed his fingers from you as he rose up to knees. Hooking his arms under your knees, he pulled your whole body towards him. Slowly, he gripped his erect cock and rubbed the tip up and down your dripping folds. You shook at the feeling and moved your hips closer to him.

“Are you going to be a good girl for me?” he asked as he teased your center with the tip.

“Yes, yes I will,” you said biting your lip looking at him.

He smirked and shoved his entire length inside of you as he let a moan escape his lips, “Fuck, you are so tight.”

Kylo let you adjust to his length, but only for a moment, before he started picking up his pace. He gripped your hips as he fucked hard and fast into you. You reached your hands up and held your boobs in place. Mainly so they wouldn’t hurt while he slammed into you, but also, because you knew he would like it. You began to pinch your nipples adding to your building orgasm.

“Oh, shit,” he groaned as he watched you holding onto your tits as they bounced up and down. “You look so perfect like that.”

You looked directly at him with a devilish grin and licked your lips. He swore again and let out a gasp as he somehow moved even faster. His entire shaft was being pumped into you and he was hitting your sweet spot with each thrust.

Your clit throbbed for attention and you looked up at him with doe eyes, “Please Commander, please make me cum.”

Without him moving his hands from where they gripped your thighs, you felt an unfamiliar pressure as your clit began to get massaged. Like an invisible hand. The force.

Well fuck.

A noisy moan left your mouth as the pressure was getting to be too much. Your legs began to shake, and you tried to hold your climax in, but you couldn’t.

Kylo sensed this and looked at you as sweat slowly dripped down his forehead, “Do you want to cum on my cock honey?” he rumbled at you.

“Yes, yes please Commander,” you whined as the pressure was getting to be too much.

“Cum for me.”

A wave rocked through you and a scream filled the air as you found your orgasm. The pressure was still on your clit while your hands were still holding your breasts and it was pushing you into overstimulation and you let out a cry.

Kylo pulled out of you and began furiously fisting his long thick length over your torso. The pressure released from your mound and you squirmed beneath him ready for the load.

“Are you going to cum for me, Kylo?” you cooed up at him as you continued massaging your nipples.

He let out a low growl and you knew he was close. You licked your lips again and stared up at him with sultry eyes and he moaned deeply as hot white cum dripped out of him. He was gasping for air as he finished. You reached one hand down and scooped up some of the liquid resting on your stomach.

Keeping eye contact with him, you traced your hand back up your torso to your chest. Batting your eyes, you slowly traced the outline of your chest with the salty cum and then stuck your finger in your mouth. He stared at you with his mouth open as he watched you.

“Fuck.”

You giggled and did it again making him bend over your chest and kiss you. His lips felt so soft against yours and you could taste yourself still on him.

He hopped off of the bed as he tucked himself away and headed towards his shower room. You couldn’t see him anymore as he turned around the corner, but you heard water running. Walking back towards you, he reached the bed and sat down with a towel in his hands. 

Gently, he used the warm towel to wipe up all of the remnants of liquid on your body. You shuddered under his soft touch. Once he was satisfied, he stood back up and walked over to the same room tossing the towel inside.

He walked back over to you and climbed onto the bed. Pulling you on top of him, he grabbed the covers concealing both of you as he held you close to him. You could hear his heart beating fast with your head pressed against his broad chest.

Your heart fluttered thinking about all of his actions of the night. It didn’t seem like it could all be real. You shut your eyes and felt the exhaustion creep up on you. 

Kylo pulled you close and moved his hand to your head. “Were you going to tell me about your promotion?” he asked lightly while he ran his fingers through your hair.

You swallowed, “Well, yes. But I haven’t accepted it yet.”

He paused, “What’s the hesitation?”

“Well,” you said hesitantly while you outlined the scars on his chest, “I don’t know if I want to be a combat medic.”

“And why not?”

“I, well I, I don’t want to have to hurt anyone.”

Kylo stared at you absorbing your words, “You don’t want to have to kill anyone.”

You shook your head, “No I don’t. I can’t wrap my head around killing another living creature. It’s just not right.”

His face turned hard and he released you suddenly. You instantly missed the warmth of his arms wrapped around you.

“Kylo-”

Turning away from you, he swung his legs over the side of the bed resting his elbows on his knees, “Well, then what are you doing here with me?”

You slowly sat up and moved across the bed over to him, “What to do you mean?”

“I mean,” he said as his tone began to get louder, “Why are you here with me then if you think so little of murderers.”

“What, what do you mean?” you asked in confusion as you placed a hand on his bare back.

He flinched away from your touch and stood up off of the bed, “I mean Red,” he growled, “I’ve killed people.”

“Well, I know that. You’re the Commander-”

“I’ve killed not just in combat. Not just to defend myself,” he said as he began pacing in front of you.

“Okay, and-”

“I’ve killed just to do it. Because I get angry, or because I’m just so mad. Because I can’t, I can’t…” His voice trailed off and he halted to a stop. “I’ve killed so many creatures.”

“I know,” you said slowly.

“Then how can you sit there saying that killing is bad and you don’t want to do it, and yet I’m here and all I’ve ever done is hurt others.”

Your scrunched-up face fell at his words, “I don’t know Kylo.”

And you genuinely didn't know. 

You didn't know that much about his past, but you always knew it was probably a violent one. You had seen first hand how powerful his moods could be and what he would do when he was upset. Yet, it didn't frighten you away.

He cupped his face in his hands and let out an annoyed huff of air. You pushed the covers off of you and walked over to him and reached up to his hands covering his face. Pulling away his hands, you forced him to look at you. The emotion in his eyes was evident and you grabbed both of his hands in yours.

“Come here,” you said.

Leading him back to the bed, you climbed in and pulled on his arms for him to follow you. He sighed and crawled in after you. You laid your head on the pillow and reached for his face. Hesitantly, you held his cheek in one hand and his neck with the other. Slowly, you pulled his face down until it was resting on your bare chest.

He caved and wrapped his arms around your waist and snuggled his face into you. One of your arms wrapped around his back and began lightly tracing it over the arches of muscles that stretched across it. The other pet his long hair slowly memorizing the softness of it.

You could feel him begin to relax as his breathing slowed down. Craning your neck, you left a light kiss on the top of his head and shut your eyes. You eventually fell asleep to his soft breathing and his warmth surrounding you.

In the morning, your eyelids fluttered open and you immediately shivered from the cold. Reaching out, you felt the cold sheets next to you.

Frustration spilled over you and you stuffed your face into the pillow.

After everything the two of you had been through, he still wouldn’t stay in the goddamn bed with you. You let out a whine of annoyance and kicked your legs.

You heard a noise from across the room and rolled over to see a fully clothed Kylo walking towards you.

“Where are you going?” you pouted up at him.

He sat on the edge of the bed pulling his gloves on, “I must meet with the Supreme Leader.”

“Why?” you asked with a loud whine crawling over to him.

“I’m not sure what he wants to discuss.”

“Oh,” you said slowly sitting up next to him. “Is it something bad?”

Kylo shook his head lightly and reached for your hands, “No, don’t worry.”

Leaning over, he kissed your forehead lightly. And then your nose. And then both of your cheeks. And finally, he kissed your lips. You kissed him back wishing he could stay in the bed with you.

He pulled away first, “I need to go.”

You pouted and nodded your head.

“I’ll see you later,” he said reassuringly. 

“When?” you asked.

“Tonight. Here, of course,” he said with a smirk as he stood up and turned to leave the room leaving you sitting there. 

You watched him reach for his helmet and put it on as his cape rounded the corner and you were now alone. An ache for him spread over you. 

How were you already missing him?


	25. Tell Me About Her

The only sounds echoing through the long dark corridors were Kylo’s purposeful steps as he made his way towards the throne room. There were people up and moving around, but they quickly ran the opposite direction when they saw his looming presence draw near.

He loved that power. Loved how feared he was in the eyes of others. Loved how they cowered when he was close by. They saw him as a threat, and he wanted to keep it that way.

Although, for the first time in a long time, Kylo felt nervous going to the throne room.

This was quite a new feeling for him, and he most definitely didn’t like it. He had grown so accustomed to the terror that radiated off of everyone that he came in contact with that he never thought he’d be the one now terrified.

Everyone in the First Order knew how powerful he was and never wanted to test him on that. Well, except for Hux, but Kylo always won those arguments.

The raging and unpredictable temper he had only added to the wild stories that would circulate about how evil he was. That fact always made him feel strong and made him feel even more connected to the Dark Side. Made him feel like all of his training with the Supreme Leader had been successful. That he was finally becoming what he was destined to be. Finally becoming who he was meant to be.

The grandson of the powerful Darth Vader.

He was destined for greatness; it was in his blood.

The last couple of months had been different though. There was something disturbing his call to the dark side of the force.

Or, more like, there was someone.

At this point, he knew that Snoke was aware of your existence and that frightened him. Kylo wasn’t sure how much the Supreme Leader knew about you, but he always seemed to know everything that happened around here, so there was no use in hiding things anymore.

No matter how much he tried to deny it, at this point it seemed useless to hide his feelings. He cared about you. More than he would like to admit to anyone, let alone himself.

Obviously, he couldn’t just push those feelings aside any longer. Couldn’t just shove them down deep within himself and pretend they didn’t exist.

Each moment he was away from you, felt like a lightyear and he didn’t like it. He wasn’t used to feeling so attached to someone. Kylo wanted to be around you at all moments of the day.

That wasn’t feasible, he knew that, but he wished he could.

You calmed him down. Made his mind and his body relax. Your smile did something to him that he couldn’t even describe. How was it possible to crave another person’s presence this much?

Strutting through the long never-ending hallways, Kylo finally arrived outside of the throne room. He hadn’t lied to you; he didn’t know what this meeting was about. But he had a pretty good guess. If he was correct, which he always was, it was going to be a difficult meeting.

After taking a deep breath, the large doors opened and Kylo walked in towards the sleek throne that Snoke’s body sat upon. His pale skin sagged showing his old age and his body looked frail. He wore his usual thick golden robes that covered his body from the neck down.

Too bad they didn’t cover his bald ugly face.

Once Kylo was within 10 yards of him, he knelt before him bowing his head and looking to the glossy floor below him. He tried to clear his mind of all thoughts and only think of his training and power with the Force. The red lights around the massive circular room added to the overall menacing aura that surrounded Snoke wherever he went. The Praetorian Guards that were scattered around the room in their full red suits watched him like a hawk as Kylo’s head looked up at his Master.

“Take that wretched thing off,” Snoke hissed at him looking annoyed.

Reaching up, Kylo slowly took off his helmet and it released from his head and he cradled it in his arms waiting for further instructions. Snoke seemed to be observing him, watching each movement he made as if debating what to say. Keeping his face straight was difficult, but Kylo had grown used to it over the years of being in his teaching.

“I trust things are going well young Ren,” Snoke said as he sat up a little straighter in the large stone chair. “But- I sense a disturbance in your thoughts.”

Kylo made eye contact before saying, “Your training has kept me strong Master. I have continued my progress. There is no disturb-”

“Don’t lie to me boy,” he growled lowly making Kylo slightly flinch. Then with a slow smile, he said, “Tell me about her.”

Swallowing his fear, Kylo flattened his face, “There is nothing to tell Master. She is simply a vessel for my needs.”

Snoke let out an evil chuckle as he relaxed back into his seat, “We both know that is a lie.”

“I would never lie to you, Master-”

“I can see right through you my child. There has been a change in the force. I can feel it,” he said tilting his head to the side. “I know you feel it too.”

“She will not turn me Supreme Leader. I am strong in the dark side-”

“You are weak,” Snoke spat at him bending over slightly while keeping his stare. “You have feelings for her. She has weakened everything I have worked hard to build.”

Kylo looked away feeling the shame growing within him. He hadn’t intended for things to go this way. Hadn’t meant for things to get this far. He knew you were his weakness. You were pulling him to the light when he desperately needed to avoid the lightness within him.

The guards around the throne shifted slightly sensing the tension growing in the room. Kylo kneeled with his back straighter looking up at Snoke with determination in his eyes.

“I will not be seduced by her to follow the light, Master,” Kylo said confidently.

Snoke stared at him waiting for Kylo to say more, but he didn’t. Feeling his mind being raked through, he knew his Master was searching for a reason to not believe him.

“Very good, my boy,” Snoke said as he sunk back into the hard chair seemingly satisfied. “If you fall any further, she will be eliminated,” he said with a bored tone. “Have I made myself clear?”

“Yes, Supreme Leader,” Kylo said as he bowed his head yet again.

“Good. Now, let us discuss your new mission.”

\---

After moaning and groaning in Kylo’s bed about being awake, you finally dragged yourself up and out of the silk sheets that surrounded you. Your body ached all over. Your wrist, the one that wasn’t in a cast, was bruised and slightly swollen. Damn Damon and his somehow strong hold on you.

The rest of your body ached from being properly fucked last night.

Well- you weren’t really complaining about that pain.

Slowly, you hobbled your way over to the closet looking around until you found a set of clean scrubs for you. They were neatly folded next to the hanging sets of identical robes that were a part of Kylo’s normal attire.

Why did he have so many of the exact same thing? Would it kill him to wear something different? Or something with color?

You gingerly pulled them on letting out a gasp from the pain you felt as you bent over. After you were dressed, you walked back over to the bed grabbing the medication that was sitting on the bedside table. You popped a few of the pills and decided you should probably get going.

Realizing your datapad was on your cot, you grumbled and left the quarters. Combing your fingers through your hair, you tried to tame it down regretting not looking in the mirror before you had left the room.

Finding your cot, you grabbed your datapad and was about to leave when you saw the contract still lying there. Before you allowed yourself to dwell on it any further, you grabbed it, folded it up, and tucked it into your back pocket of your scrub pants. You left the area and sped into the hallway making your way towards the medbay.

You wanted to find Madison and discuss your options with her, but once you were inside the bay, you couldn’t find her anywhere. She was probably doing a surgery, like she usually did. Checking your datapad, you saw that you had been removed from the surgery schedule. You squinted at it again in confusion wondering why.

Oh, right, you only had one working hand right now.

Well, what were you supposed to do today?

Grumbling, you saw you were on stock duty. How were you ever supposed to feel ready to work in the General’s medbay if all you were allowed to do was stock medicine cabinets?

Sucking up your pride, you got to work. The bay seemed to be more crowded than it had been in the last few weeks and you weren’t complaining. It made the day go by quicker. Damon was nowhere in sight, thankfully, and the day went by quickly.

You stocked rooms up with gauze, cleaning cloths, sanitation solutions, medications, and newly sanitized tools. Feeling a bit like a glorified med droid, you slowly walked back into the supply closet finally on your last room to stock up on. The tiny room was loaded with rows and cupboards of supplies and you wasted time looking around for what you went in there for.

The door to the room shut behind you and you felt the contract slip out from your back pocket. You whipped around to yell at whoever was messing with you and your face practically ran straight into Kylo’s large chest as he stood in front of you.

“Hey, give that back,” you whined reaching for it.

“Well, hello to you too,” he replied with a chuckle as he held his arm up out of your reach.

Folding your arms, you glared at the floor with a pout, “Hi.”

He laughed again and it echoed through his synthesizer as he reached for your chin and held your face up towards him, “Why are you so grumpy?”

“Because,” you said with a huff. “I’ve been stuck stocking supplies all day.”

“Awe, poor thing.”

You pulled your face out of his grip, “It’s not funny.”

“Yes, it is,” Kylo said as he reached up to take off his helmet. It removed from his head with a hiss and he set it on the table along with the contract, “You’re cute when you’re mad.”

A small smirk fell on your face, “What about when I’m not mad?”

“Eh, average,” he said with a sly grin as he walked towards you.

You faked hurt as you looked up at him, “Rude as hell.”

“I know,” he said as he reached for your waist. His gloved hands wrapped around you pulling you close to him, “Are you going to sign it?”

You smushed your face into his chest ignoring the question as you closed your eyes. You inhaled the strong clean scent on his robes and slowly tilted your head back to look at him, “I don’t know.”

Holding your cheek with one hand, he slowly rubbed his thumb back and forth across your cheekbone, “I think you should.”

You tilted your head to the side and into his warm hand, “What if I’m not ready?”

“You are.”

“But, but how do you know that?”

“I know everything,” he said with a smirk as he kissed your forehead.

“Ugh, but that doesn’t answer my question Kylo,” you whined. “I don’t know anyone in that bay, I don’t know the first thing about combat, and I don’t know-”

He interrupted you with a finger shushed over your lips, “I’ll help you.”

You blinked looking up at him, “Help me with what?”

“Your training. I’ll make sure you’re prepared.”

Your chest fluttered as you gazed up into his intense brown eyes as they looked into yours. His face was sincere, and you admired his strong facial features as they stood out in the lighting of the room.

“Really?”

He nodded in response and brushed a few strands of loose hair out of your face.

Reaching up behind his neck, you pulled his face down and softly kissed him. His full lips were warm and gentle against yours as he kissed you back. He deepened the kiss as he wrapped his arms tighter around you pulling your body right against his. Your breath quickened as you pressed your chest into him trying to get closer to him. His tongue slipped into your mouth and a moan escaped you.

The two of you stood there holding each other with your mouths connected for a while and your entire body buzzed with lust. The feeling of him near you made you feel safe and secure. Just holding him as he held you made you feel whole.

You pulled away and pressed your forehead into his trying to catch your breath feeling a flush creep over your face. He left soft kisses on your cheeks and slowly kissed down your neck making you tilt your head back to give him more access. He nibbled at your collarbone making your hands slide through his perfectly smooth hair. His mouth left your skin and he kissed your nose before holding your face with a large hand while he brushed his thumb over your lips.

“I’ll walk down there with you if you want.”

“Down to Hux’s office?”

He nodded as he continued to gently outline your lips. Blinking up at him, you nodded slowly, and he released your face sliding his hand down to intertwine his fingers with yours. Pulling your body with him, he walked back over to his helmet and palmed it in his free hand before sliding it back over his head. Your mouth hung open watching his hand at work.

Dear gods, his hands were huge.

Once his helmet was on, he grabbed the contract and handed it to you. You took it and followed him as he led you out of the supply room. Once you were in the hallway, you were instantly aware of the people walking around everywhere giving you odd looks.

You removed your hand from his nervously and walked ahead of him through the hallway and out of the bay. Eyes followed the two of you as you exited the space and you could feel your face start to burn. Even more eyes stared at the two of you while you made your way to Hux’s office.

Realizing it probably was odd to see the most powerful person in the First Order walking down the hallway with a medic; you ducked your head avoiding looking at anyone. Kylo on the other hand, walked with his hands behind his back in a purposeful stride. The stormtroopers, Generals, and other personnel all bowed their heads in respect as he walked through the hallway. You watched in awe as they all immediately stopped talking when they saw him draw near and looked away from him.

The two of you finally made it through the extensively long dark hallways until you made it to the command center. The two troopers who had given you grief yesterday simply nodded at Kylo as he strode through the entryway with you in tow.

He led you straight to Hux’s office and turned around to look at you. Glancing up at his masked face, you opened your mouth to say something, but nothing came out.

“I’ll be right over here,” he pointed to the large office next to the one you were standing at. “Come get me if you need anything.”

You nodded slowly swallowing the wad of spit in your throat. He walked past you and lightly brushed his hand against yours which sent a shiver up your spine. You watched as he walked into his office and the door shut behind him.

Looking down at the contract that was in your trembling hands, you inhaled a breath and knocked on the door. A loud annoying voice announced that you could enter, and you nervously opened the door.

Hux didn’t even look up as you shut the door behind you, and he continued scribbling down notes furiously on whatever was in front of him. You tentatively walked towards him where he sat at the large desk. The room seemed much more intimidating now that it was just the two of you in there.

You cleared your throat trying to get his attention and he didn’t move. Taking another step towards him, you placed a hand on the arch of the chair that sat in front of his desk. At your movement, his head snapped up and looked at you. Recognizing you, he sat up straighter as he glared at you.

“You’ve made a decision, I assume,” he said while looking at you up and down.

“Yes.”

“Very well, hand it over,” Hux said as he reached his pale hand out.

You moved to give it to him before you realized, “Oh, um, actually,” you said trying to stop your hand from shaking, “Could I borrow a pen?”

He scoffed at you and quickly placed a fancy-looking black pen on the desk near the edge where you stood. Sitting down in the plush chair, you grabbed the writing utensil and signed your name on the dotted line at the bottom of the page on the contract. He snatched the piece of paper from your hand and looked it over quickly. His piercing eyes looked at you while you waited for him to say something.

“Right, well,” he said sitting back up and opening a drawer filled with files. He slipped the sheet of paper in and closed the drawer while looking back at you, “Your new quarters have been prepared and you may use them tonight.”

“M-My new quarters?” you looked at him in disbelief.

He looked at you with a boredom in his eyes, “Yes. Did you even read the contract?”

You nodded trying not to blush, “Of course, General Hux. I just didn’t realize-”

He sighed and rolled his eyes, “If you have any other questions you can ask your new supervisor, Dr. Barnes. Otherwise, you may leave.”

Staring at him in shock, you watched as he grabbed the stack of papers in front of him and went right back to work. Standing up slowly, you turned to leave. The only noise in the room was his scribbling away again with whatever work he had.

Turning back to look at him, you said, “Thank you.”

He said nothing and you moved to open the door. Once outside of the office, you shut it and leaned your back against it letting out a breath of air you had been holding. Your entire body was shaking, and you slowly stood upright.

Well, alright, Hux is an ass.

Glancing towards Kylo’s office, you wondered if you should go in and see him. Deciding that you wanted to, you walked over and lightly knocked on the door. It swung open and you stared into the space in awe. The office was much bigger than Hux’s and had an even bigger desk sitting in the middle of it.

You took a step inside and the door shut behind you, as if it shut on its own. Moving in further, you took in the high arched ceilings of the room. There was a plush rug on the floor that made the room feel more regal than just having the plain metal flooring. A velvet couch sat in front of a crackling fireplace with a small table in front of it that had stacks of books and papers scattered around. A large First Order emblem on a red banner sat above the fireplace. It was the only pop of color in the otherwise dark room.

Looking up at the desk, you saw Kylo watching you with a glimmer in his eyes. His helmet sat on a column to the side of the desk that looked like it housed some type of ashes up in it. A shy smile crept over your face as you walked over to him.

“How did it go?” he asked scooting his chair away from the desk.

You stood in front of him now, behind his desk, and you looked at him sitting in the large wide chair, “Good. I signed it.”

A fraction of a smile fell upon his lips as he reached out towards you. Following his gesture, you walked forward into his arms and he pulled you onto his lap. His arms wrapped around you while both of your legs dangled over the side of his. You nuzzled your head into his chest and he slowly moved an arm up to pet your hair.

“I have to leave for a mission,” he said quietly as he continued to twirl your hair in his gloved hand.

You moved your head to look at him in the eyes, “When?”

“Soon.”

“Well, how soon?”

He sighed seeing your worry, “Within the hour.”

A whine left your chest and you wrapped your arms around his neck, “How long will you be gone?”

“I’m not sure, at least a week or so.”

“Can, can I come with you?” you asked hopefully.

A chuckle left his chest as he reached up to pull your face closer to his, “No, my sweets. You have to stay here.”

“But-”

“No, it’s far too dangerous. Plus, you just signed on to a new job-”

Interrupting him, you said, “If it’s so dangerous, then why are you going on-”

He squeezed your cheeks to stop you from talking, “I am the danger.”

You rolled your eyes, “What does that even mean?”

His hand that wasn’t holding your face moved down to grab your ass, “It means,” he said in a low whisper next to your ear, “That I’m dangerous and I don’t want you anywhere near that.”

A shiver rolled through your body as you felt the heat of his breath near you. He laid a kiss on your neck and slowly licked a line down from your ear to your collarbone making your squirm in his lap.

“Can you at least tell me where you’re going?”

He hummed against you, “That’s classified.”

“Fine.”

He quickly raised his head back up and grabbed your face, “Don’t pout.”

“But I don’t want you to leave,” you said as your lower lip started to tremble.

He leaned in and kissed you and you let out a startled gasp as he quickly pulled himself away, “Then you better make sure I don’t forget you.”

You bat your eyelashes looking up at him with confusion and then recognition dawned on you as you finally understood what he meant. A smirk crossed your face and you moved your hands from around his neck and snaked them down his wide torso.

“Is this what you want?” you purred at him as you slowly moved your hips to get off of his lap. “You want a little going away present?”

He nodded as he watched you stand up and kneel down before him. You looked up at him with doe eyes as you ran your hands up and down his strong thighs. A huff left his mouth as he readjusted his sitting position and your hands landing directly on his hard tent beneath his layers.

You ran your hand slowly up and down his hard cock and licked your lips as you began to undo the fabric concealing him. After a bit of fumbling, his throbbing length sprung free and you kneeled up higher to get better access. Painfully slow, you stroked your uninjured hand up and down making his breath hitch in his throat.

A pressure started to build up in you just looking at him in front of you and you wished you could press your thighs together to find friction. He moved his hips toward your mouth and you greedily took his tip in your mouth.

Kylo immediately let out a low moan when you made contact. You swirled your tongue around the end and moved your head down further taking in more of him. His hands moved to the top of your head and you quickly swat them away. He surprisingly kept his hands away and watched your mouth go to work.

You placed your casted hand on his thigh for support as you bobbed your head up and down. Sucking against him, you used your right hand to rotate up and down near the base of his shaft. He leaned his head back into the chair letting out another groan of pleasure.

Humming in approval, you began working faster on his length. The entire thing was coated in a layer of spit giving you enough lubrication to continue working it. You felt yourself dripping at this point and you wanted in on the action. Releasing your mouth from him, you stood up and he let out a frustrated sigh.

You shushed him and quickly pulled your pants and underwear off. He stared at you in silence as you slowly climbed on top of him. Reaching down, you grabbed his slick length and rubbed it against your throbbing wet core.

“Is this what you want, Commander?” you asked him as you continued to tease him.

He nodded with his mouth open as he waited in anticipation for you to move. You grinned and lined the tip up and slowly sunk yourself down. A cry escaped your lips as you stretched to adjust to his size.

“Fuck,” Kylo moaned as he grabbed your hips.

You wrapped your arms around his neck and slowly began rocking your hips into him. After moving up and down and getting comfortable, you leaned in and kissed him hard. He grabbed your ass giving it a smack as he began moving his hips up to meet yours.

He released your ass and quickly pulled off your scrub top and thermal throwing them on the ground. Fumbling behind your back, he undid your bra and added it to the pile. You groaned as your face connected again back with his.

The sound of your thighs slapping against him filled the room and you wrapped your arms back around his neck. He slapped your ass again as he held on to you assisting in your movements. You let your head fall back as you shut your eyes feeling the thrusting fill you whole.

Kylo moved at a rapid pace and you could feel yourself already nearing your peak. His mouth moved down to your chest and started sucking at your nipples making you whine loudly beneath him.

“Shush, or the whole center will hear you,” he growled as he continued sucking at your chest.

You tried to quiet your moans as you felt yourself reaching your peak. Releasing one hand from your hip, Kylo moved it to your clit and began furiously massaging it sending you into overdrive. You opened your mouth to let out a scream of pleasure and he muffled it connecting his face with yours.

You were reaching your climax and Kylo knew it.

“Cum for me little girl.”

His mouth was back on yours as you let out a loud moan and reached your orgasm. Your body was trembling and was no longer able to move by itself. He took over completely as he made his final thrusts into you.

A groan left him as he made a final hard thrust into you as he reached his climax filling you with his warm seed. You were both gasping for air after he finished, and you rested your forehead against his heaving chest. He pulled you close, and you sat there until you felt him soften within you.

After catching your breath, he slowly picked you up off of him and set you on the floor. Grabbing the desk for balance, you stood upright feeling excess liquid dripping down your legs. Embarrassment flooded your cheeks and you looked around wishing you had something to clean yourself off with. Kylo glanced at you before reaching into a drawer and pulling out an extra t-shirt and pulling you towards him.

With gentle movements, he wiped your legs off without breaking eye contact. You held onto his shoulders and continued staring at his sparkling deep eyes even after he had finished cleaning you off. He tossed the dirty shirt into the nearby trash and continued to look at you.

It almost felt like he was trying to say something with his eyes- you just weren’t sure what.

He helped you redress and pulled you back into sitting on his lap. Softly, he pet your hair again and you rested your head against his chest listening to his heartbeat.

You felt sad, and as usual, it was about Kylo. But this time, it was a whole different kind of sadness. A whole week or more of not seeing him, especially now that things were good, was going to be hard.

What if he got hurt? Or something bad happened to him?

He shushed your thoughts, “I’ll be fine.”

“But what if something bad happens? You’re always putting yourself in bad situations and what if-”

“Stop, you’re going to make yourself sick with all of this worrying.”

You sighed as you reached your hand up cupped his cheek, “I can’t help but worry.”

He placed a hand over yours, “Why do you worry about me so much?”

You paused biting your lip, “Do you really have to ask?”

He stared at you waiting for an answer and you didn’t give him one hoping he would just understand. Apparently, he didn’t. But you weren’t about to go boasting about your feelings if he wasn’t.

“When do you need to leave?” you asked avoiding his last question.

“I should probably head to the hangar now,” he said shifting you around in his lap.

“Can, um, can I come to see you leave?”

He stared at you and an emotion crossed over his eyes, “If you want to.”

You nodded and he took you off of his lap. He stood up out of the chair and walked over to retrieve his mask. He lifted his arms up to slide it on, but you ran over to him to stop him. Giving you an odd look, he watched as you reached up for his face with your hands.

He tentatively lowered his head and you stood on the tips of your toes to give him a kiss. You pulled away and he slid his helmet on. You instantly missed seeing his face as the emotionless mask stared back at you. He made his way towards the door and you followed.

Following him out of the command center and through the hallways, you really wished he didn’t have to leave. You could feel yourself getting emotional and you tried to hold it back.

The hangar was now in sight you could feel your heart rate increase and you started to feel super anxious about him leaving. You turned around the sharp corner and followed him down the ramp and towards the ships. There were troopers standing around a shuttle waiting for others to join them.

As you neared them, Kylo pulled you behind a stack of supplies. He held you at arm’s length and you stared up into his blank mask. You could feel a tear in your eye and you quickly blinked to make it go away. But it was too late, and it slowly dripped down your cheek.

He reached up and wiped away the tear and cupped your face in his hand, “I’ll see you soon.”

You nodded afraid that if you said anything you might actually begin crying.

“My quarters are yours to use while I’m gone if you’d like.”

A small smile stretched across your face and you nodded again leaned into his hand. A heap of conflicted emotions was racing through you and wished you weren’t getting so upset right now. But you couldn’t help it.

“I have to go now,” he said slowly pulling your body towards him. “Be good when I’m gone.”

You hugged him tightly, “I’ll try,” you said as you looked up into his mask. “I make no promises about staying good when you come back.”

“Then I guess I’ll need to fix that when I return,” he said with a low chuckle.

“Promise?”

He said nothing as he held you closer to him. He pulled away and brushed a hand through your hair. As if deciding he needed to leave right then, he turned around and walked towards the shuttle leaving you standing there.

You looked around the pile of supplies and saw his cape billowing in the slight breeze that filled the area. The troopers stood up straighter realizing he was approaching, and they filed onto the shuttle after him.

Another tear escaped and you quickly wiped it away. You watched as everyone who had been waiting around the shuttle finally all loaded in and the hatch began to close. The floor beneath you shook slightly and the shuttle began to take flight off of the ground. It left the hangar and you stood there watching it leave feeling kind of empty.

You turned around and slowly made your way towards the ramp. Seeing a movement out of the corner of your eye, you turned and saw someone walking towards you.

Quickly, you wiped away your tears and plastered on a fake smile as Zed walked over to you.


	26. Obviously, He Cares

Zed continued walking over to you from his workbench with a wide smile spread across his face. He reached your side and you stood there awkwardly not sure what to say to him. His blonde hair looked as cute as ever and he had a slight sheen of sweat across his skin from working all day.

“Hey,” he said reaching for your arm lightly. You flinched away from his touch and a worried look crossed over his face, “Oh, um, are you upset with me?” he asked softly.

“No,” you said realizing you actually did sound upset. You cleared your throat, “Why would I be?” 

He shrugged tucking his hands in his jean pockets, “I don’t know, you just seem off. Have, h-have you been crying?”

You shook your head trying to blink the excess tears away from your eyes, “No, I’m fine.”

“Okay, well, wait- what happened to your wrist?” he asked looking down at your cast.

You cursed under your breath, “Oh,” you said following his gaze down to your left wrist. “Um, I fell. Nothing major.”

He frowned looking at you, “It looks kinda major if you have a cast. How’d you get that?” he asked looking concerned now. As if his mind was putting the pieces of the puzzle together, he gave you a look of mild worry, “Did, d-did Commander Ren do that to you? After he pulled you away from me-”

Shaking your head quickly you took a step towards him, “No, no, it was nothing like that. I promise it was my own fault. Please, don’t worry”

“Okay, if you say so.” Zed didn’t look convinced as he scuffed his foot on the ground nervously. “How long will it take to heal?”

“Um, I’ll probably need this cast for around 6 weeks.”

He nodded seeming satisfied with your answer, “I was hoping I would get to see you again.” He reached one hand up and ran it through his hair, “You just kinda left with the Commander the other night. And, and well, I was worried about you.”

Your face softened looking at his hunched figure and you smiled, “Everything is okay. I’m sorry I left you in the hallway like that. I should have talked to you afterward.”

“No, it’s okay,” he said taking a step towards you but then froze and moved back away. He paused as if wondering if he should say anything more, “What did he want from you anyway?”

Um, well, you see…

Trying to hide your blush, you said, “Oh, well we just needed to chat about a few things, since I got promoted to the Generals medbay and-”

“You did? Oh, my gods, that’s great! Congratulations,” he said cheerily making you feel extra bad for ditching him the other night. And now for lying to him.

“Thanks Zed.”

Why did you feel so damn bad about this right now? He was nice and all, but you didn’t really have feelings for him. Not like how you had feelings for Kylo.

He cleared his throat, “So, you still want time to think things over, right?”

“Um, like, with us you mean?” you asked nervously crossing your arms in front of you.

“Yeah.”

You took a deep breath in, “Look, I’m sorry Zed, I should have never said yes to spending time alone with you in the first place. It wasn’t fair to you and-”

“No, it’s okay. Really, it is,” he said taking a step away from you holding his hands up. He tried to hide his disappointment, but you could still see that he was hurt, “We can be friends.”

You nodded, “Yeah, friends. That works.”

He looked down at his feet taking a breath, “Well, I better get back to work.”

“Oh, okay. Well, it was good seeing you.”

Zed continued to avoid your eyes, “Yeah, you too.”

His eyes flickered up to meet yours and he nodded as he turned to walk back to his workbench. You felt like you had been hit by a truck and guilt washed over you. It was cruel of you to say yes to him, kiss him, and then leave him the instant Kylo came around.

You felt awful.

Walking out of the hangar, you decided maybe you could actually try and be friends with him. He was such a nice guy and maybe the two of you would be able to get over all of this and could actually form a friendship in the future.

A pain of hunger rumbled through your body and you decided to go find something to eat in the dining hall. Realizing Max and Madison would probably already be there eating, you picked up your pace excited to see them.

The dining hall was packed, as it usually was at this time, and you glanced around nervously for your friends. Finally, you spotted them sitting at a table towards the back in a deep conversation.

Thankfully, Damon wasn’t there with them.

Practically skipping through the hall, you grabbed a tray of the mush they were serving and headed over to them. You quickly sat on the bench next to Max making him jump in surprise. Madison also looked shocked to see you there and reached for your datapad that was sitting next to her as she tried to give it to you. She didn’t get the chance as Max took one look at you before immediately pulling your body in for a hug. As he broke away from the tight embrace, he grabbed your face and stared into your eyes with a look of worry. You felt panicked as you looked into his concerned face.

“Max, what’s wrong-”

“It’s Damon,” Madison said making you whip your head around to look at her. “He’s being transferred off of the Finalizer.”

Your mouth dropped open in shock, “No way.”

Max nodded quickly, “Yeah, we saw him packing his things by his cot. And then he was escorted to a transfer shuttle by two troopers and-”

You held up a hand quickly, “Wait, when did this happen?”

Madison shrugged, “Like right after we woke up this morning, when you weren’t there. But yeah, he’s already off of this ship and-”

“Where is he going?” you asked looking at the both of them.

“I don’t know, but he looked all fucked up. His face was swollen and bruised and-”

Max jumped in saying, “Girl, we both fell asleep last night before he came back from wherever he had gone and-”

“And we woke up to the two troopers getting ready to escort him off-”

You held up both of your hands to quiet them both, “So, he’s gone?” They both nodded back at you looking glum, but you had a big smile on your face, “Thank the fucking gods.”

Both of their jaws opened in shock as they stared at you. You closed your eyes taking a deep breath and you filled them in on the horror that was last night. Max and Madison listened intently and by the end of your story, they had looks of disgust on their faces.

“I can’t believe he would do something like that,” Madison said shaking her head slowly in disbelief. “He always seemed like such a good guy.”

“He’s good at hiding how much of a monster he is,” you replied shrugging your shoulders as you began to eat your dinner.

“I don’t want to believe it, but it checks out,” Max said rubbing his temples in frustration. “I just can’t believe I didn’t notice the signs of him being like this sooner.”

You rested a hand on top of his, “I mean, he’s been like that around me for the multiple years that I’ve known him. I never realized how bad it was, well until last night.”

Max lowly chuckled, “And that’s on manipulation.”

“True,” you mumbled back in agreement.

“Gods, I’m so sorry that happened to you,” Madison said leaning over the table and resting her hand on top of yours. “At least he’s gone now.”

You nodded as you took another bite of food, “I don’t ever want to see him again.”

“You won’t have to,” says Max with assurance. “That bastard is gone.”

“We’re better off without him,” Madison said with a smirk making you laugh.

“So, you and Kylo- are you like, official?” Max said grabbing your attention back.

A flush rose up on your cheeks and you looked down at your food, “I don’t know honestly. It’s been so back and forth with us for so long, and now, I mean, now he’ll be gone on a mission for a while.”

“Do you want to be in a relationship?” Madison asked raising her eyebrow at you.

You shrugged taking a sip of water, “I feel like I don’t even really know him.”

“Well, honey buns, you don’t. That’s why you need to spend time with him getting to know him instead of just fucking,” Max said pursing his lips. You opened your mouth to object, but he held up a finger, “Stop, you know I’m right.”

A sigh of defeat left your mouth, “Okay, you’re right. But, even without knowing anything about him, we just have this connection. I can’t describe it.”

“Do not tell me you are falling in love with this man,” Madison said with a look of concern over her smooth face. “He’s not a good guy, he has such a bad temper.”

“What if I am though? I can’t help it,” you whined looking at her hoping for pity. “He’s just-”

“He’s hot, that’s what he is,” Max replied. “But you need to know more about him before you dive into anything. I can’t watch you go through being heartbroken again.”

“Okay, fair enough,” you said.

The three of you finished eating and went to go dump your trays as you all grabbed your datapads from the table. The hall was getting less full as you walked out into the dark hallways. You grabbed both of their hands in excitement making them whip around to look at you.

“Oh, my gods, I haven’t even told you,” you said in excitement. “I took the new position and I get my own quarters!”

“Shut up!” Max squealed jumping up and down. “Can we go see it?”

You nodded quickly pulling them along through the maze of walkways until you landed outside your hatch door. It looked similar to the one you had on Starkiller Base, but sleeker. As you stood closer to the opening, you noticed a pin pad near the door making you enter a passcode before it would open up.

“Hmm, this seems impractical,” you said looking at it quizzically. “What if I needed to run back here after an emergency in the bay or something?”

Madison walked up to the small keypad observing it, “I bet it’s because you are working with the higher-ups and you need extra security or something.”

“Or because you’re fucking the Commander,” Max snickered standing behind you.

You rolled your eyes walking closer to the pad. Squinting, you noticed a small note on the side of it telling you the passcode. You plugged in the code and the hatch flew open. All three of you let out a small gasp and walked inside the room.

It wasn’t large, but it was a comfortable amount of space. The room was dark but had pops of red throughout the room. The floors were well polished, and you could practically see your reflection in it. A large fluffy rug took up most of the room making it feel warmer inside. A four-poster bed was sitting in the middle of the back wall with dark silk sheets on it topped with multiple pillows. A large closet was in the opposite corner with a dresser nearby. There was a plush couch sitting in the middle of the room with a table in front of it.

Wandering inside the room, you peeked inside the shower room and was surprised to find a large tub on the side of the room. Your mouth was hung open in awe as you looked around the rest of the room in its entirety.

“Well damn, I didn’t even know they had rooms this nice on this ship,” Madison said as she flung herself onto the bed. Sinking into the sheets she let out a sigh, “This is nice. I’m so jealous of you right now.”

“This is immaculate,” Max said with a hand on his hip as he continued looking around the room. “Can we drag our cots in here and we can share the space?”

“Actually, I wouldn’t mind that at all,” you said with a smile. “We could all sleep in the bed if you want.”

“No, we shouldn’t. You earned this space, it’s yours,” Madison said sitting up on the bed. “But we will definitely come by to bug you all the time.”

“Well, Kylo said I could use his quarters while he’s gone, so-”

Max let out a scoff, “Okay, okay, I have to admit, that’s cute as fuck,” he said while walking over to you.

You smiled as you walked over to the closet and opened the doors slowly. A surprised gasp left your mouth as you saw a bouquet of red roses sitting on top of the drawers inside of it. Both Max and Madison walked over to you with worry but let out gasps themselves.

“Shit, you got him whipped,” Max said walking forward and smelling the roses.

“I do not.”

“Um, you have this big ass room and he left you flowers. Obviously, he cares about you,” Madison replied arching her eyebrows at you.

The three of you continued checking out the room and exploring everything inside of it. Eventually, you started yawning and they took that as their time to leave. Walking them to the hatch, you stood inside as they walked out into the hallway.

You saw someone walking down the hallway towards the group of you. They were headed towards the hatch that was a few doors down from yours. Realizing it was Elliot, you raised up a hand to get his attention.

“Hey, Dr. Barnes.”

He neared his hatch and looked up to see you waving. He smiled and walked towards the three of you, “Oh, hi. I guess this means you accepted the position.”

“Yeah, I did,” you said smiling back at him. “Oh, these are my friends Madison and Max,” you said gesturing towards them. “This is my new supervisor, Dr. Elliot Barnes.”

They all said their hellos and started chatting as you yawned again, “Um, not to be that person, but I’m super tired. I’ll see y’all tomorrow.”

Saying goodnight, you hugged your friends as you walked into your room and the hatch closed shut behind you. Walking towards the tub, you admired all of the soaps and oils sitting near it. Turning on the hot water, you filled it up adding scented soaps to it making it extra foamy. You took off your scrubs and gingerly sunk into the water careful to not let your cast get wet.

The water felt nice and comforting. Almost like a hug.

It instantly made you start to miss Kylo.

Going over a week without seeing him, especially now that things were good, was going to be difficult. At least you had your new job to keep you distracted.

After crawling out of the tub, you walked over to your dresser in your towel looking for pjs. Opening up the drawer, you were surprised to see soft silk nightgowns neatly folded inside. You pulled one out admiring how beautiful it was. Slipping it on over your head, you relished in the feeling of it touching your clean skin.

Walking over to the bed, you pulled off the extra pillows and sunk into the bed. It felt heavenly and you nuzzled into the pillows. You finally fell asleep snuggling into the sheets. The dreams you had were strange and made you wake up in a sweat feeling nervous. Getting out of bed, you walked back to the closet grabbing the vase of flowers. You picked them up and brought them over to your nightstand. Setting them down, you inhaled their heavenly scent letting it calm you down. Getting cozy again, you fell back asleep feeling more relaxed.

A soft beeping from your datapad woke you up and you grumbled rolling over while turning off the alarm. Rubbing your eyes as you sat up, it took a moment for you to remember where you were. The memories of yesterday came rushing over you and you looked over to see the vase full of flowers next to you.

Your heart ached to look at them.

This is going to be a long fucking week.

Walking over to the dresser, you pulled on your new black scrubs loving the way they looked on you. These were tailored to fit your body perfectly while still allowing for easy movements. Pulling in your shoes, you walked over to check your datapad. Looking it over, you saw Elliot had you down for a tour of the bay and then later working with him.

Making your bed and walking across the room, you left through the hatch and entered the hallway. It was far less busy through these hallways as it was only Generals permitted through and the people who worked for them. Ducking your head, you made your way to the medbay avoiding talking to anyone.

Walking up to the large double doors, you thought of when you were last in here with Kylo. Well actually, both times you were in here was when you were with him. But the first time he had kicked you out after he had gotten hurt.

Not the best time.

Wincing slightly thinking of the memory, you pushed open the doors looking around the sanitized bay for Elliot. Not seeing him anywhere, you wandered in cautiously not sure where to go. Walking past the front desk, you got into the hallway leading towards the back rooms. There were a few other medics wandering around in their dark scrubs with their heads in their datapads.

Noticing just now, it suddenly dawned on you that all of the other medics were men.

Great.

You looked down at your datapad too nervous you talk to any of the people around you. There was a tap on your shoulder, and you whipped around to see Elliot standing before you in his black scrubs and medical coat.

“Hi,” he said nervously. “You ready for your big day?”

“Oh hey,” you replied giving him a smile. “Yeah, let’s get going.”

He smiled at you and led you through the various doors showing you around the bay. It was pretty much an exact replica of the other medbay on the ship, except for everything was far more expensive and newer. The floors were sparkling clean and the bay was well stocked on literally everything. The machines and equipment were the latest models and they had things in there you had only ever heard about. In the bay, there were the most medically advanced med droids wandering around and they were so efficient, you wondered why they even bothered having humans in there.

Elliot explained how things worked around the bay. He was the head doctor, and although he was trained in combat, he stayed on the ship almost always. There were some combat medics who were always out in combat and only came back to the Finalizer every few months, and there were some who solely went on short missions and then came back here.

He explained how you would only be going on the short missions and only when really necessary. He then told you when you would start your combat training; which would be sooner than you thought.

You expressed how worried you were about the training and he reassured you that it wasn’t as bad as everyone says that it is. The worst part of it is during your first mission, because you’re never really prepared for what is to come.

Telling him what Hux said, about working in the bay every other day, he shook his head saying that’s what they used to do, but things had changed now for new recruits. Every other day you would be in the bay and on the other you would be training. Even with your broken wrist, you still needed to begin learning what to do in combat.

He finished the tour of the medbay and started introducing you to the other medics that were roaming around. They were all much taller and most of them looked older than you which instantly made you feel even more intimidated about being around them. They told you horror stories of being out in the field with the troopers and Generals and you could feel yourself start to get anxious about it.

Elliot placed a hand on your shoulder after you met all of the other medics, “Don’t listen to them. They are just trying to make you nervous.”

“Well, it’s definitely working. I don’t know if I’m ready for this,” you said folding your arms over your chest. “Maybe this was a mistake.”

“Hey, don’t sell yourself short. From what Dr. Walters has told me, you’re amazing. You’re quick on your feet and work well with the patients. You’ll fit right in.”

You gave him a small smile, “Thank you.”

There weren’t any missions coming back to the Finalizer today, so you wouldn’t have any new cases from there. Elliot told you to just look over a few of the patients that were already in the bay. You checked vitals, ran tests, and made sure everyone was comfortable.

This bay was far less chaotic than any other bay you’d worked in and it felt nice. You knew it came with its own lists of worries once you had to leave on missions, but you pushed that aside and tried not to think about it.

The day passed by quickly and you spent most of it with Elliot learning about him and the Finalizer. Like Madison, he had been on the ship for quite a while. He slowly moved his way up in the rankings to be the head doctor, and he was proud of it. He didn’t mind going into combat, and actually enjoyed being out there with the action. Although, he didn’t like having to kill people, he sheepishly told you that he had to a few times in the past.

At the end of your shift, you walked with him to the dining hall still chatting about your days. He was easy to talk to and you started to think that maybe working in this new bay wouldn’t be so bad.

You ate dinner with Madison and Max filling them in on what your day consisted of. Max didn’t have any new gossip to share except for that the First Order was still searching for the scavenger girl and fighting the Resistance.

The usual.

After eating, you made your way into your room feeling tired. It was weird only being able to use one hand for everything, but you were kind of getting used to it. Hoping you’d have another easy night of sleep, you crawled into bed after slipping on your nightgown.

A scream pierced the air waking you up in the middle of the night. Realizing the sound came from your mouth, you sat upright breathing heavily. The room was quiet and dark, and you tried to calm down your breathing.

You had a nightmare about being in combat. About wielding a blaster and having to shoot down innocent civilians on command.

It made you feel sick.

Sleep never came the rest of the night, and when your alarm went off to get up in the morning, you were regretting trying not to fall back asleep harder last night. Remembering it was your first day of training, you groaned and walked over to the closet looking around for clothes to wear.

You found some tight-fitting workout clothing that you knew would allow you to move freely. Slipping them on, you noticed how breathable the material was and smiled. You hadn’t worked out in a while, but the training couldn’t be that bad, right?

Wrong.

Within the first 20 minutes, you were dripping in sweat. Your trainer, Jonah, was screaming at you to fix your form with everything that you did. You didn’t know the first thing about how to use a weapon, let alone hold one.

After realizing that it was going to be a lot more work than he bargained for, Jonah decided to start off doing some basics with you. He got you acquainted with all of the weapons you would possibly be using out in the battlefield. There were blasters, knives, axes, blades, staffs, and bows. Once you understood how they all worked, he started out with you holding them all properly and figuring out how to actually use them.

It was fascinating and you found yourself feeling energized holding the weapons. They brought you a sense of power and you felt strong.

You felt like a badass.

Jonah, very bluntly, told you that you needed to work on your physical strength because, well, you had none. Holding up your casted hand to object, he simply wasn’t having it and said you needed to get to work.

Hours passed and you were exhausted. He had you running laps, lifting weights, stretching, and starting to actually use the weapons. You didn’t know how the hell you were going to be able to move tomorrow.

The session finished up around dinner time and you dragged yourself to the dining hall to meet up with Max and Madison. They were both anxious to hear all about your first day of training, but you merely mumbled back answers to their questions ready to pass out. After dinner, you started a steaming bath and sank into the boiling water.

It felt nice against your already sore muscles. Closing your eyes, you pictured Kylo’s face. You wished he were here to hold you and rock you to sleep. It had only been two days, technically three nights, since he left. But it felt like it had been ages.

Not bothering to put on pajamas, you drained the tub and hauled your body into the soft bed. A wave of exhaustion hit you making you fall asleep almost instantly.

The nightmares came again but this time, after lying awake for a while, you eventually fell back asleep.

The next few days went the same way. Working in the new medbay with Elliot and the other medics and learning more about the new technology that it had to offer. Then the next day going to train with Jonah. Your body screamed at you every morning and night and you had no energy to do anything other than working and training.

It felt really good though.

It felt like you had a purpose again.

It was also a really good distraction from thinking about how much you missed Kylo.

You tried not to think about him, because it only made you sadder. But you couldn’t help it. Things had been so damn good when he left, and now, well, now you were alone. You knew he would come back and things would be okay, but you didn’t know when.

Each night you laid in bed alone wishing for Kylo to return home to you.

You missed him much more than you ever thought you would.

After a week of your new routine, Jonah had let you leave early from a training session and you happily skipped out of there. You got to your quarters and took a long hot bath. Going to the dining hall afterward, you met up with your friends and for once didn’t feel like ripping your muscles off of your body from all the pain that they were in.

“Hey cuties,” you said as you sat down.

“What’s got you in a good mood?” Madison asked eyeing you curiously.

“I got out of training early, so I actually have the energy to hang out tonight.”

“Oh, um, well,” Max said looking at the two of you nervously. “I actually have plans.”

You both looked at him with shock and he did something that you almost never saw him do; he blushed. Oh damn, he had a date.

“Shut up! You have a fucking date?” you asked with a big grin.

“Oh, my gods, who is it?” Madison asked with excitement. “Do we know him?”

Max blushed harder, “Well, I don’t want to say. He’s not out yet, and I want to respect that.”

“Okay, that’s more than fine,” you said. “But when were you going to tell us about him?”

“Uh, well,” he said looking down shyly. “I was going to tell you eventually; I just didn’t know when.”

“Max, that is so exciting. I’m so happy for you,” Madison said grabbing his hand. “I hope we get to meet him when he’s ready.”

“Me too,” you said grabbing his other hand.

Max sighed happily, “I hope y’all get to meet him soon. He’s really great.”

You left dinner and walked back to your room feeling extra happy from Max’s good news. He hadn’t been in an actual relationship the whole time you had known him. He always had some fling with someone, but it never went anywhere. He never acted upset about the relationship ending, but you knew it affected him more than he let on.

Getting into your room, you instantly spotted the vase of drying roses still sitting on your bedside table. They looked so sad now. They were still beautiful and smelled amazing, but they weren’t quite the same as when you first got them. Sitting on your couch, you hugged your knees to your chest feeling lonely.

You were happy for Max, you really were, but it made you wish things were different for you right now.

Since Kylo had been gone, you hadn’t gone into his quarters. Now that you had your own, you didn’t see the point of going into his even if he said you could.

Tonight though, your heart was hurting too much to be in your room by yourself. Obviously, you’d be alone in his room, but at least you could be surrounded by his things.

Pulling on loungewear, you left your room and headed down the hallway towards Kylo’s quarters. Arriving outside of the hatch, you reached up to open it and it automatically opened up for you.

Maybe it had sensors?

You weren’t quite sure.

Taking a step in, the room looked how it normally did. Everything was in its place and the floor was spotless. Walking over to the large windows looking out into the sky, you stopped to stare at the view. It truly was beautiful.

Sighing deeply, you made your way through his hallway leading towards his bedroom. You tentatively walked in and were immediately overwhelmed with the scent inside. It smelt just like him and you had to hold back the tears pricking at your eyes.

The room felt so empty and dark without him in it. Walking over to his closet, you opened the doors and looked around inside. Grabbing a long black sweater, you pulled it over your head instantly hugging it close to your body. It was so large it practically went to your knees and you let out a small cry. Holding the sleeves up to your face, you inhaled the calm clean scent that is Kylo.

Fuck, maybe it wasn’t a good idea coming in here.

Clearly it wasn’t making you feel any better.

You walked out towards the chair in his room that faced the window. Sitting down, you curled your legs up and stared out at the stars. You wondered where he was right now. What he was doing.

Was he sleeping okay? Was he eating enough? Was he being safe?

You knew worrying about it wasn’t going to make you feel any better, but you couldn’t help it. It felt like a piece of you was missing.

After what felt like forever, you slowly got up and walked over to the perfectly made bed. Pulling back the covers, you climbed in and your body sunk into the mattress. You had a nice bed in your room, but this one was still better. You snuggled into the pillow pretending that Kylo himself was there instead of just a pouch of cotton fluff.

Something shiny caught your eye on the nightstand, and you slowly sat up reaching for it. A small white note sat on top of the object. Grabbing for the note, you picked it up to read it. In loopy writing, it read:

Red,

I’m just a call away.

-Kylo

Staring at the note in confusion, you grabbed the shiny object holding it up in front of your face. Blinking to try and focus your eyes, you let out a startled gasp.

It was a holopad.

You had only every seen Generals in the command center use these and had no idea how to work one. Flipping the device over, you tried looking for a button or a switch. To your horror, you didn’t find anything of the sort.

How the hell were you supposed to call him if you couldn’t figure out how the damn thing worked?

Tears of frustration slipped down your cheeks and you let out a whine in annoyance. You looked all over the device but couldn’t figure out how to use it.

Dammit.

You sunk into the bed in defeat and curled your legs up underneath you and started to cry.

Your whole body was aching from being sore and you were just so tired. Except for the couple hours of a break today, you had been constantly busy and frustrated with everything going on. There was so much new information being thrown at you each and every day and you were so overwhelmed.

Suddenly, the device started to buzz.

Sitting up quickly, you wiped away your tears and held the holopad in your shaking hands. A faint blue hologram began to be projected on the device in front of you as you held your breath in anticipation.

The image blinked a few times trying to focus. It wasn’t working.

You were starting to get anxious that the hologram was never going to focus. Finally, it did, and you saw the faint blue face of Kylo looking back at you.

Your chest felt tight looking at him and you opened your mouth to say something, but no words came out.

His pale strong face looked tired, but he had a small smirk on his face from seeing you. The dark hair on his head was messy but still looked incredibly perfect. You tried to hold back the emotions that were flooding through you right now. A smile fell across your face from finally getting to see him.

His deep baritone voice sounded through the holopad, “Hi, baby.”


	27. Don’t Make Promises

“Kylo.”

A few tears of happiness fell down your cheeks in fat droplets. Your voice felt like it was trapped in your throat as you gazed at the perfection that was his face as he looked back at you. The scar that stretched across his face almost blended in with the surrounding skin in the blue light of the projected hologram making him look extra god-like. Holding the device out in front of you shakily, you realized how nervous you felt.

It felt like you hadn’t talked to him in weeks.

You felt like you had butterflies in your stomach.

Kylo licked his lips before asking with a face of slight worry, “Where have you been?” He paused slowly blinking, “I’ve been trying to call you every night-”

You gulped in air feeling more tears slide down your face, “I-I didn’t know, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that you-”

He shushed you softly, “It’s okay, I’m not upset.”

You smiled and gently wiped your damp cheeks, “I couldn’t bring myself to come in here.”

“Why?”

“Well,” you paused not quite sure how to put it into words. “I-I, um, couldn’t stand the idea of being in here w-without you.”

His eyes widened slightly, and he let out a soft sigh, “What made you go in there tonight then?”

You shrugged your shoulders, “I guess, well, I just really missed you.”

He waited a bit before saying lowly with a small smile, “I miss you, too.”

A wide grin fell on your face and you brushed a loose strand of hair away from your face instantly feeling a burning in your chest. It was like a warmth flooded through your entire body by just talking to him.

It quickly faded as you thought of how he must be doing and coping with things while he was away. His mission was probably very difficult and here he was talking to you. It looked like he hadn’t been sleeping properly. He probably wasn’t eating that well either. The anxiety took over making you miss him even more.

“What did I say about worrying too much, Red?” he asked with a tone of warning in his voice.

You scrunched up your face in thought, “How did you know I was worrying?”

“Because I know you.”

You paused feeling your heart flutter, “Well, I hardly know you.”

“We’ll have to change that when I get back,” he said with a smirk.

Smiling back, you replied, “Okay.” You then frowned again with a small pout across your face, “But I can’t help feeling anxious about you being gone. I can’t just shut off my feelings. I’m worried about you.”

His face softened, “I’m okay, Red. Stop worrying.”

A scoff came out of your mouth, “Um, that’s like asking you to control your temper.”

He rolled his eyes, “Ha ha, very funny.”

“Well, I’m being serious. I can’t help that I’m anxious about you being gone-”

“It’s my job.”

You sighed looking away from him, “I know, Kylo.”

There was a silence that sat in the room while the two of you kept quiet. He sat there waiting for you to say something else, but you didn’t as you continued looking away from him. “How has your training been going?” he asked softly getting your attention back.

Your head perked back up looking at him, “It’s uh, it’s good, but it’s a lot of work. My body is sore every single damn day.”

“Good thing you have a nice tub to relax in,” he said with a smirk. “Is your trainer any good?”

“Jonah? Oh yeah, he’s great. Kind of harsh, but he knows what he’s doing. I’ve learned so much so quickly.”

His eyes twinkled as he looked at you, “Do you like your new quarters?”

You nodded, “Yes, the room is very nice. It’s super spacious”

“Good, I thought you’d like it. It’s quite an upgrade from that dreadful cot.”

A chuckle left your chest making you feel less nervous, “Yeah, I suppose so.” You licked your lips as you admired his long hair lightly flowing in the breeze that was surrounding him, “Thank you for the roses, by the way.”

He nodded as a slight flush came over his cheeks and he slowly ran a hand through his dark hair, “You’re welcome.”

You blushed and bit your lip, “When will you be coming back?”

“I don’t know yet,” he said with a defeated sigh. “The mission is only going to get more intense from here. I don’t know if I’ll be able to call again after tonight.”

Your eyes widened with sadness and you could feel your eyes already welling up again, “But, but I want you here.”

“And I want to be there, but this mission is important and-”

“I know, I know. It’s your job,” you said looking back down avoiding his gaze. “I just wish things were different. You said it would only be a week-”

He titled his head slightly to the side, “Look at me.”

Letting out a heavy sigh, you looked up and gazed into his dark eyes trying to memorize how he looked right then. His face was soft yet stern as he looked back at you with pleading eyes as if asking you to be patient and wait for him. He had only been gone a week and yet you felt as if time was moving so much slower.

Making it seem like he’d been gone forever.

You longed to hold him in your arms. Run your fingers through his unruly hair. Hold his strong face with your hands while inhaling the intoxicating scent of him.

But you couldn’t.

Wiping the slight wetness off of your cheeks, you slowly lifted your head to gaze into his eyes. He moved his face closer to his hologram making the projection of him zoom in on his face. Lowering his voice to a whisper, he hushed, “I will come back for you.”

“But what if you don’t,” you whispered back moving your face closer to your holopad.

“I will.”

“Don’t make promises to me that you can’t keep,” you said harsher than you intended.

He glared back at you as he rolled his eyes and said with a hiss, “I never promised anything.”

You huffed out in aggravation, “I know, I’m not an idiot.”

Kylo’s forehead scrunched up his face and let out a frustrated sigh as he rubbed his forehead, “I should get going,” he said looking away from you.

Your face froze feeling hurt, “Okay, yeah. Go.”

He looked back up at you with a slight glare, “Don’t get all upset.”

“Well, I can’t help it.”

“This mission is important, Red. I can’t spend it all waiting around for you to answer my damn calls. I’ve already wasted enough time today talking to you about meaningless shit.”

Your mouth hung open in shock wondering why he had suddenly gone so cold, “Fine.”

“Fine,” he growled back.

Tears bundled up in your eyes, “Bye.”

He hung up the call without saying goodbye and the room went silent and dark from the projection being turned off. You choked on a sob and set the holopad down on the bedside table.

Why did he have to be so damn cruel?

Taking one of the pillows off of the bed, you chucked it across the room as hard as you could hoping to hit something. You felt like you had been punched in the gut. Curling up into the bed, you balled up the sheets in your fists and let the tears flow freely soaking into the silk beneath you.

You should have known something was going to happen. Things had been too good with him for too long. Of course, he was going to blow a gasket at you. All you were trying to do was have a civil conversation with him.

Guess that was too much to ask for from him.

Grabbing a nearby pillow, you stuffed your face into it hugging it to your chest. Pulling the covers over your body, you tried to relax your heavy breathing and settle yourself down. Inhaling the familiar clean scent, you rubbed your tears away with the long sleeves of the sweater you were wearing.

As if being hit by a boulder, sleep came over you. Allowing it to take over, you slept, but you woke up every hour from a new nightmare.

Each time you woke up, you had to remind yourself that you were in Kylo’s room and that you were just dreaming.

You also had to remind yourself that you were alone.

All alone.

And that there was no one there to comfort you.

You woke up feeling as tired as you had the night before. As if you hadn’t slept at all; and maybe you hadn’t.

Pulling yourself out of the bed, you looked at the mess you made on the bed. Deciding to leave the bed unmade, you rolled up the sleeves on the sweater and then head to your room. You then remembered that there were sets of scrubs in Kylo’s room, and you went to the closet to pull on a pair.

The ever so present feeling came over you as you made your way towards the hallway in your black attire.

Hopelessness.

Feeling unmotivated and lazy as you walked down the hallway, you slowly tucked in your scrub top not caring what anyone around you thought. The hallway wasn’t busy, but there were people walking around starting their days. Avoiding eye contact from others, you made your way to your new medbay.

The lobby was quiet, and you walked in towards the back looking for Elliot. You knew you couldn’t talk to him about Kylo, but he could maybe distract you from your twisting and spiraling thoughts.

Walking around the corner, you saw Elliot typing away furiously at his computer. Standing by across from him, you slumped into the chair that was close by with a loud sigh. Resting your elbows on the desk, you buried your head into your folded arms.

He noticed you but didn’t lift his head up from the screen, “Something bothering you?”

“Uh, oh no, I’m okay. Just overtired.”

Tilting his head to look around the brightness in front of him, he raised his eyebrows, “I had hoped you would start sleeping better in your new quarters.”

“They are nice, I just, have trouble sleeping sometimes,” you mumbled back.

This got his attention and he made eye contact with you, “Why can’t you sleep?”

You lifted your head, “Um, I have really bad nightmares.”

“Are they same ones?” he asked curiously.

“Yeah, I suppose they are the same each night.”

He scooted his chair closer to you grabbing your hands, “Have you tried taking sleeping medication?”

You shrugged, “Once, a while ago, yeah,” you said scooting closer to him. “I still had nightmares that night though.”

He nodded his head slowly as if processing the information, “I could prescribe you some stronger medicine,” he said pulling you in closer. “I can’t have you coming into your shifts exhausted. You need to be on your toes, especially when you get called out in the field.”

Nodding in agreement you let out a sigh, “Yeah, that sounds good. I would like that,” you said with a smile. “Thank you, Elliot.”

He gave you a soft smile, “You’re welcome. Now get to work.”

You let out a chuckle as you stood up from the chair, “Okay, I guess I’ll go do my job.”

Walking away from his desk, you shook your head watching him get right back to work. Going into the break room, you sulked over to the coffee machine beginning to brew a fresh pot. You rubbed your eyes hoping to bring some energy into you- it wasn’t working.

A steady stream of hot coffee began to slowly trickle out of the machine, and you stared at it hoping it would go faster. As you waited, you realized that you didn’t have your datapad with you and you groaned.

Dragging your feet back out to Elliot, you sat back down loudly to get his attention, “Hi, me again. Um, could you possibly look up if I have any messages on my datapad? I forgot it in my quarters,” you said sheepishly.

He glanced over his screen and let out a sigh, “You can’t keep forgetting it. That device has all of the important information that you need for your shift.”

“Well, could you also then tell me what I’m scheduled on for today?” you asked batting your eyelashes to seem innocent. “Pretty please.”

He rolled his eyes and clicked away at his keyboard, “You’re doing surgery prep for a surgery that is scheduled for later today. You’ll be scrubbing in on it with me,” he said. You nodded in understanding as he then said, “And it seems like you have just one message, from Max.”

“Okay, thank you,” you said as you stood up. “I’m just going to make coffee quickly and then I’ll get to prepping the room.”

“And prep the instruments,” he said raising his eyebrows at you.

“Yes, of course,” you said nodding quickly.

Elliot paused as if he was going to argue about your decision to drink coffee, then decided against it, “Okay, well then make it quick. No more wasting time.”

You started backing up from the desk, “Yes Dr. Barnes,” you said with a little nod towards him. “Thanks for reading my notifications.”

Turning around the corner, you let out a heavy sigh and walked back into the break room. Leaning against the counter, you watched as the coffee pot was almost full. A knock on the door made you jump up in surprise and place a hand on your chest trying to catch your breath. You whipped around to yell at whoever it was for scaring you, and you saw Hux.

Odd.

Instantly, a scowl covered your face as you stared at his pale mean face. His fire-red hair stuck out even more underneath the harsh lighting of the medbay. You raised your eyebrows while looking at him wondering what the hell he was doing here.

“Ah, I’ve found you,” he said in a way that made it seem this was the last place he wanted to be. “I’m here to deliver a word from-”

“Oh my god, girl-” you craned your neck to the side and saw Max in uniform standing behind Hux in the hallway.

You opened your mouth in shock, “Max, what are you doing here?”

Hux turned around to glare at him. Max squeezed past Hux standing in the doorway and walked into the room towards you. Within a few long strides, he was standing at your side.

“Didn’t you get my message on your datapad?” Max said looking down at you.

“Oh, um no,” you said avoiding Hux’s stare towards the two of you. “I forgot it in my room, but Elliot told me that you had sent me a-”

“If you’re quite done with the chitchat, I’m here to deliver a-” Hux started to say before you interrupted him.

“I can’t hang out right now, I need to prep for a surgery,” you said looking back up at Max’s confused face.

“This sort of behavior will not be tolerated from me,” Hux huffed loudly making the both of you turn and finally look at him. “As I said, I have a word from-”

“It’s General Hux, right?” Max asked taking a step towards him. “I’m Max-”

“What is going on in here?” you heard Elliot’s voice from the hallway. “That surgery room needs to be prepped and…” his voice trailed off as he looked between you, Max, and Hux trying to figure out what is going on. “To what do we owe the pleasure of a visit, General Hux?” he asked politely looking at Hux.

Letting out a huge sigh, the General’s face screwed up, “I have a message for this medic from the Commander. Now if you would all stop interrupting me-”

“The Commander?” Elliot asked slowly trying to piece together what was going on.

It was your turn to sigh, and you took a step towards the very annoyed Hux, “What is it, General?”

“The Commander wanted you to know that his mission has been extended,” he said sharply and without care. “And that the communication line will remain open. Whatever that means,” Hux continued folding his hands behind his back stiffly. Muttering under his breath as he rolled his eyes, he said, “This is the last time I’m doing the dirty work for that spoiled little piece of-”

Hm, okay- interesting.

“Okay, thank you for letting me know, General Hux,” you said quickly ignoring his quiet muttering as you folded your arms in front of you.

“Very well, back to work,” Hux replied as he turned to leave the room.

“Bye, bye,” Max said giving a little wave towards him.

Hux turned around to look at Max and you swore you saw him blush. He furiously left the room leaving you standing there next to a smiling Max and a confused Elliot.

“Do I even want to know what that was?” Elliot asked as he stepped into the room.

“Uh, no,” I said. Walking back over to your coffee, you grabbed a mug and started pouring it full from the fresh pot, “Oh, Elliot, have you met my friend, Max?”

“Yes, Doll,” Max said walking over to you. “You introduced both Madison and me to him about a week ago, remember?”

You laughed, “Oh, yeah. I forgot.”

Looking down at your mug, you hummed in satisfaction as the intense aroma filled your nose and you took a sip. Feeling the caffeine spreading through your body, you leaned against the counter.

“Right,” Elliot said slowly turning around. “Well, get to working, now,” he said walking away. Before he left the room completely, he paused to look at both you and Max before walking down the hallway to his desk.

“Girl, what-”

“Before you even ask, I don’t know,” you said holding your hands up in defense. “I’m as clueless as you.”

He moved closer to you, “What’s this communication link Hux was talking about?”

“Oh, well Kylo left a holopad in his room for me to communicate with him while he’s gone and-”

“Shut up, that’s so fucking cute- what the hell. Did y’all talk last night?” he asked eagerly.

“Yeah, and it was going okay, and then he got all upset towards the end,” you said with a frown taking another sip of your coffee.

“I swear that guy is the moodiest person I have ever met,” Max said rolling his eyes.

“Um, you’ve never really met him,” you said glancing up at him.

“Well, based on what you say, I feel like I know him.”

You shrugged your shoulders in agreement taking another big sip of the coffee. It burned your throat as it slid down it and you enjoyed the pain.

Damn, you were fucked up.

“As much as I’d love to chat, I need to get to work. Or Elliot is going to whoop my ass.”

Max laughed and pulled you into a hug, “Well, okay. Let’s hang out later?”

“I need to get some sleep, but maybe later this week? And then you can tell me all about your new boo thing,” you said with a wink.

“Okay,” he said with a laugh. Max started walking out of the room and waved, “Bye babe, see you soon. Have a good day! Love ya”

“Bye! I love you!” you said back.

Chugging the rest of your coffee, you set the mug in the sink and walked into the surgery room. It was empty and looked sparkling clean, but you set off getting it prepared for later on.

Walking into the sanitation room, you began scrubbing your hands and arms vigorously. After they were red and raw, you dried them off and pulled on a thin gown over your scrubs to avoid any cross-contamination. You pulled on thin clean coverings for your shoes and pulled on a hair net. After yanking on a pair of gloves, you grabbed a face mask and slipped it on. The excessive layers of protection were annoying, but it kept people safe.

Heading back into the room, you prepared a bucket of cleaning solution and began wiping down the tools that would be needed for later in the day. After all of the instruments were clean, you began disinfecting the table the patient would be lying on. Then, you started setting up all of the other machines that would be needed pulling them out into the middle of the room under the bright lights.

The room was coming together, and it was about ready when you heard a soft knock and looked up to see a fully dressed and ready to go Elliot looking back at you. Giving him a thumbs up, he nodded and walked into the room.

“You ready?” he said through his mask.

“Yes,” you said nodding. Walking back over to the sanitation room, you redressed and washed your hands before walking back in. “Is the patient being brought in here?”

He nodded back at you and as he did, the door opened up and a medical droid pushed in a bed with a patient in their gown ready for surgery. After the bed was placed in the room, the two of you worked to transfer the patient onto the new clean bed. You and Elliot started getting the patient sedated and comfortable.

You learned that their name was General Neil Porta and that he was feeling especially nervous about the procedure. Trying to calm him down, you watched his eyes slowly roll back as he was completely knocked out. Moving his gown to the side, Elliot carefully began slicing Porta’s chest open exposing the flesh underneath. You held in a breath as you reached over to help move the organs out of the way.

General Porta had come in with pain a couple of days ago, thinking it was just pain from being stressed and overworked. After a few scans, it had been found that he had unidentified masses in his body and would need a biopsy to check if they were cancerous.

The procedure was routine, but it still made you slightly nervous since you hadn’t done one in a while. You would have to be doing things like this and much worse out in the middle of a chaotic battlefield soon, so you needed the practice.

After a while, Elliot identified the masses and you gently and efficiently took a small sample for testing. He motioned for you to close up the wound with stitches as he turned around to prep the sample.

Taking a deep breath, you looped the surgical thread through your needle as you made precise and neat stitches all along the opening. Within minutes, it was sealed in a straight and perfect line along his chest. Elliot gave you a nod of approval and you smiled beginning to clean up the area.

The rush you felt from after the successful surgery carried you into the night as you got out of the shower later on in your quarters. Taking the new medicine that Elliot had prescribed, you slipped underneath your covers and settled in for a good night of sleep.

Your eyes opened thinking of Hux’s message from earlier. Saying that Kylo would be gone even longer than originally planned. And that he would still be available to chat.

Well, you were mad at him anyway.

And you needed to focus on your job and training.

You didn’t have time to talk to him on that damn holopad.

In the morning you woke up feeling slightly better than you had the day before considering you actually got some sleep. Yawning deeply, you pulled on your clothes for training and tied your hair back.

You may have gotten more sleep, but you still felt extremely tired.

Grumbling, you headed down the hallway towards the training room. Pushing open the door, you let out a groan as you saw Jonah in there waiting for you next to a table full of weapons.

“You look tired,” he said plainly as you walked towards him.

“I am,” you said as you reached the table.

“Well, I hope you can keep up today. We have a lot to go over.”

You whined as you nodded your head. Jonah wanted to start working on your stamina since you would most likely be running around most of the time you were out on the field. This didn’t excite you in the slightest, but he seemed to think you would be ready to handle it.

He started you on doing sprints across the open area and when you thought you would pass out, he made you use each weapon. If you were successful with the specific tool you were using, you could move to a new one. If you failed, you had to keep sprinting.

Let’s just say you had a lot of failures.

By the middle of the day, you were dripping in sweat and your whole body was trembling.

“Again,” he barked at you from across the training space.

“I can’t,” you whined back as you were hunched over trying to catch your breath.

“Yes, you can,” he said yelling back. “You’re stronger than you think.”

This made you stand up taller. Hell, yeah you were strong.

You somehow made it through the rest of the day without much more yelling from your trainer. He even seemed pleased and thought you were making some real progress.

You practically crawled back to your quarters and fell into the tub after filling it full of hot water and bath salts. Your eyes closed shut as the exhaustion hit you. Scrubbing yourself clean quickly, you got out and pulled on clean comfy clothes.

Heading back out into the hallway, you instantly swore noticing how much pain you were in. You couldn’t find Madison or Max anywhere in the dining hall, so you grabbed your food to go and brought it back to your room.

Climbing up into the bed, you began to eat your dinner and you eagerly ate every last piece of food you had. You had been starving.

Guess a full day of moving around would do that to you.

You set your empty plate on the bedside table and curled up into the sheets. Remembering your medicine, you popped your sleeping pills, and snuggled back in.

The next week went exactly how the last two days had gone. Well, as far as having a surgery with Elliot and then intense training with Jonah. Not the weird encounter with Max and Hux in the medbay.

You had been eating all of your meals in your room lately. One, because you were so exhausted you just wanted to sleep afterward training. Two, because you were lazy. And three, because you didn’t feel like having a conversation with anyone while you ate.

Even your best friends.

Each night, you left your dishes in your room allowing them to pile up. Your dirty laundry was thrown around the room making the place look absolutely terrible.

But you couldn’t find the motivation to do anything about it.

You didn’t care.

With how busy you were, you didn’t even allow yourself to think about Kylo. You had shoved the feelings down so deep, so you could pretend you were fine with everything that was happening.

In reality, you weren’t doing great.

Obviously.

But you didn’t have time to worry about that; hence the messy room and zero fucks about it.

It’s not like you didn’t miss Kylo. You missed him terribly. You wanted to go into his room and curl up in his bed, wear his soft large clothing, and talk to him on the holopad.

But you couldn’t bring yourself to do it.

Instead, you dove headfirst into your new position.

Jonah had said that you were improving so quickly that he would be able to refer you to join a trooper squad soon enough. That idea scared you, but you actually felt excited about it at the same time. Elliot had also told you that you were doing well, and he thought you would do well out in the field. Even when you would be surrounded by all the insanity and chaos that came working as a combat medic.

It had been two and a half weeks since Kylo had left, and a week and a half since you had talked to him.

You were, um, fine.

Totally fine.

Yesterday, you had gotten a message from Captain Phasma that you were joining a stormtrooper squadron to be deployed for a mission. And that mission was scheduled for today.

It was totally last minute, but the whole thing was supposed to be easy. Super easy. Just going in to make the presence of the First Order known on this planet and then getting the fuck out of there.

A trooper uniform marked with the medic symbol had arrived at your quarters last night and you had tried it on. It fit perfectly. Sliding the helmet on over your head, you started at your new shiny reflection in the mirror.

You had to admit, it looked pretty cool.

Maybe you understood why Kylo always wore that damn mask.

The morning of, you nervously took a freezing cold shower to wake you up. You pulled your hair back into a tight bun to avoid it getting caught in anything. Shakily, you got on your undergarments and then got into your trooper attire.

You looked great, even if you were scared shitless underneath.

The shuttle was due to leave in an hour’s time, and you needed to go to the bay to grab your supplies bag. Walking out of the door of your room, you walked down the hallway towards the medbay with a new sense of purpose.

As people walked past, you noticed more lingering stares.

It was probably the new squeaky-clean uniform.

Making your way into the bay, you headed straight towards the back. Elliot had already packed and repacked your supplies bag making sure you had everything. He saw you as he sat at his desk and gave you a curt nod. You nodded back as you grabbed the bag.

It was heavy, but with all of your training, you were feeling stronger than ever.

Walking back out into the hallway, you headed towards the hangar where the shuttle would be. It was packed with about 50 stormtroopers standing in lines waiting for the command to move. You saw General Hux and Captain Phasma chatting near the shuttle as you approached it.

A familiar blond-headed engineer was also standing by the shuttle making last-minute repairs and checks. Zed turned his head as you approached and you held in your breath, but he quickly turned back away going to work.

Oh right, he didn’t know it was you in the uniform.

There were two other combat medics in uniform standing around, and you stood next to them in silence as you waited. Your anxiety was through the roof, but you tried to take deep relaxing breaths and calm down.

Finally, you were all instructed to begin boarding the ship. You followed the crowd standing in tight rows within the ship. The troopers were getting called off as they were entering to make sure everyone was there and accounted for.

Your nerves were only getting worse as you felt the engine kick into gear to begin its departure soon. Swallowing your fear, you stood your ground holding onto your supplies bag tightly trying not to sway from the movement.

There was a loud commotion and it sounded like a huge gust of wind had entered the hangar. Craning your head around the line of troopers in front of you, your eyes tried to find out what was happening outside of the shuttle. But you couldn’t fucking see anything.

Dammit.

You acted as if you were checking something in your bag and you moved even further out of line to see another ship landing near the shuttle you were currently on.

The Command Shuttle.

Your heart instantly started beating quickly and you wanted to run off of it immediately, but you knew you couldn’t. Standing back upwards, you rejoined the line as the ramp to your shuttle began to close.

Before it completely shut off the small view you had of the hangar, you saw a gust of black fabric walk down the smaller shuttle’s short ramp and Kylo turned directly to face you as you quickly lost sight of him.


	28. I Think You’re Jealous

The shuttle continued to rumble loudly as it picked up off of the ground of the hangar. You tried to take deep inhales of air and calm your breathing and not think about how you had just seen Kylo.

Well, only for like 5 seconds, but it was something.

And now you were trying not to hurl while being on this huge ship in front of a bunch of people. Standing up for the whole flight was not going to be fun. It didn’t help that you couldn’t see properly because of your damn trooper helmet. Not to mention that the air filtering through your mask was somewhat artificial smelling.

Okay, deep breaths. The shuttle ride to wherever you were going wasn’t going to take long. Where were you going again? Ah, fuck. It doesn’t really matter.

You just need to stay close to Hux and whatever other important people were on this mission. And then you’d have to run around helping injured people. But this was supposed to be a peaceful mission, so hopefully, you could avoid going into any battle.

Looking outside the tiny window nearby, you saw the metal floor getting smaller and smaller as the heavy ship was leaving the Finalizer docking bay. Suddenly, the ship stopped rumbling.

Had it already reached a height to make start jumping through the systems? No, it couldn’t be.

Then, the metal ground of the hangar started coming into a closer view again.

What the fuck was happening?

The stormtroopers around you slowly moved their heads around clearly confused about what was going on. You did the same trying to listen in towards the back of the shuttle where the Generals were to see if they were saying anything. They were definitely talking, but you couldn’t make out what they were saying.

Starting to feel antsy, you bounced your knees lightly trying to keep the blood flowing. The last thing you needed was to pass out on your first mission.

That would be hella embarrassing.

The shuttle landed in the bay again with a thud and you lurched forward slightly. You somehow caught yourself before crashing into the trooper standing in front of you. Straightening back up, you stood tall waiting to see what was happening.

There were footsteps coming up from behind and you fought the urge to whip your head around. Then, out of the narrow slits of your mask, you saw General Hux standing next to you looking absolutely livid. Before you could ask him anything, the held his hand up and flicked it towards the ramp that was lowering down.

Reaching down to grab your bag, he shook his head quickly telling you to leave it. You did and followed behind him as he walked past the other lined up troopers and down the ramp. His hands were in tight fists behind his back as he led you through the docking bay. Keeping your eyes trained ahead, you couldn’t help but notice that people were turning their heads to look at you.

It must look weird for a lone trooper to be following a General out of a shuttle. Especially when you hadn’t even had the chance to leave the bay yet.

Walking behind him, you kept up your pace since it seemed like he was taking out his anger into his quickly moving feet. He led you down a hallway off of the docking stations and stopped abruptly outside of an electrical room. Turning to face you, his face was flat showing no emotion, but you could tell he was pissed.

The redhead gestured to the door and swiftly moved past you back towards the shuttle. Confused, you watched him leave wondering what the hell was happening.

Oh, wait.

You tentatively pushed the door open and were met by a dark room. All you could see were little lights of red and white around the room from the electrical machines giving the room a soft glow. It was cold in there to keep all of the equipment from overheating and your body instantly shivered. Shutting the door, you turned back around to try and see what was going on.

Before you could do anything though, you were brought into a tight embrace.

Releasing you from the hold, your helmet was quickly lifted off and you blinked letting your eyes focus on a maskless Kylo standing in front of you. Your mouth opened to say something, and it was quickly met with his mouth covering yours.

A surprised moan escaped your lips and you wrapped your arms around his neck. He pulled you in closer to him hugging you to his frame.

You broke the kiss moving your gloved fingers through his messy hair. He looked down at you with his big dark eyes and softly caressed your face with his hand. Pressing your check into his hand, you let out a soft sigh.

“Hi,” Kylo said softly.

“Hi,” you responded feeling your body warm up.

“You didn’t call again,” he said slowly rubbing his thumb back and forth over your cheek. “I thought, that maybe you would.”

You looked down at your feet and gulped feeling guilty before looking back up at him, “I know. It was a stupid thing to do and I was being petty,” you said batting your eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to forgive,” he said bending down to kiss your forehead. “I was being rude to you.”

“Well, I was worrying too much and making you more stressed out and-”

“That’s nothing to apologize for,” he said more sternly. “You had every right to be worried, I was gone longer than expected.”

“I’m just glad you’re back,” you said twirling a strand of soft hair in between your fingers.

“And now you’re the one leaving me,” he said batting his eyes at you.

“Well,” you started clearing your throat. “I didn’t know when you’d be coming back. Plus, Captain Phasma assigned me to a trooper platoon, and they already had a mission planned, and-”

He shushed you softly, “I know, I’m not upset about it. I just can’t guarantee your safety when you aren’t here, and that makes me worried.”

“I’ll be safe,” you said reassuringly moving your hand to now hold his face. A soft smirk fell over your face, “I will come back for you.”

“Hey,” he chuckled lowly as he pursed your lips into a pout. “That’s my line.”

You laughed pulling your face out of his grip, “I know. But now it’s your turn to worry.”

He rolled his eyes and pulled you back in giving you another kiss. You kissed him back moving your tongue into his mouth. His hand moved from your face to the back of your neck deepening the kiss further. His other hand reached to grab your left hand and he quickly broke the kiss.

“Where is your cast?” he asked raising an eyebrow.

You let out a whine from him breaking the kiss short, “Don’t worry about it,” you said reaching back up to kiss him again.

He pushed you away and grabbed your chin making you look at him, “There is no way that your bones are already healed,” he said tilting his head to the side. “Why don’t you have a cast on?”

You bit your lip, “It wouldn’t fit underneath this uniform, so I-”

He pinched the bridge of his nose, “So you took it off? You’re literally a medic, you know how dangerous that is.”

“I know, Kylo. But it’s been on long enough-”

“It needs six weeks to heal fully. You haven’t even had it on for half of that time,” he replied his tone getting more annoyed. “You could easily rebreak it out in the field.”

“I’ll be careful,” you said trying to reason with him. “I have a thick layer of medical tape around it to keep it in place. I promise it’s not going anywhere-”

“Don’t make promises to me that you can’t keep,” he said lowly throwing your line from your holopad call back at you.

“That’s my line,” you said crossing your arms over your chest. “Really, it will be fine.”

“That’s it,” he said reaching down to grab your uninjured right hand. “You’re coming to my quarters. You are not going on this mission.”

You yanked your hand out of his grip and he whipped around to look at you, “Kylo, I’m fine. I’m holding up the entire shuttle right now. My squadron is counting on me.”

“They can send someone else.”

“I want to go,” you said taking a step towards him. “It’s going to be an easy mission. In and out with nothing to worry about.”

Kylo rolled his eyes dramatically, “Have you met the First Order? Chaos and trouble are our thing,” he said sarcastically.

“I know. But I’m going. I’ve done all of my training and I’m ready to go.”

“I haven’t even seen you train. I don’t want you going until I know you are fully prepared,” he said back taking a step towards you.

“Jonah says I’m prepared and so does Elliot. Can’t you just trust me?” you asked pleading with him. “I wouldn’t go if I thought I wasn’t ready.”

He let out a defeated sigh pulling you in for a hug. Resting his chin on your head, he wrapped his arms around your waist. You laid your head on his chest hearing is rapid heartbeat underneath his dark layers of clothing.

“I do trust you,” he said softly pulling away so he could see you.

You smiled reaching up and holding his strong jawline, “Okay, good.” Standing up on the tips of your toes, you gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and released your grip on him looking around for your helmet, “I should probably get going then.”

“I’ll walk you out,” he said handing you your helmet.

“Kylo,” you said taking the bulky white hunk of plastic from him. “Won’t that look a little suspicious?”

“I suppose,” he said softly. “You’ll come to my quarters directly afterward?”

“Yes sir,” you said mock saluting him.

“At ease soldier,” he said with a small smile as he bent down to give you a kiss.

You broke the kiss and slipped your helmet on. The small slits to look out of blocked out the full view of the gloriousness that was Kylo Ren and you sighed.

Walking over to the door, he opened it for you letting you exit first. As you stepped out into the lit hallway, he slipped his mask on and shut the door behind him.

He grabbed your right hand giving it a squeeze and you did the same to his. With that, he gave you a quick nod and turned to walk in the opposite direction from you.

Walking back out towards the shuttle, you kept your head down avoiding the gaze of anyone who might have been watching you. Your walk turned into a slight run and your feet took you back up the ramp.

Finding the empty spot in line where your supply bag was, you got there quickly and stood up straight. Thank the gods no one could see your flushed expression with your helmet on.

Maybe hiding your face wasn’t so bad.

You did have a little bit of a blushing problem. Now, no one would know when you wore the clunky thing.

The shuttle rumbled back to life and took off quickly. The flight was relatively short and you somehow managed to both keep your balance throughout the journey and keep your last meal safely in your stomach.

Light flooded in through the small window near you and you realized the shuttle had broken the atmosphere into whichever planet you were on. You really wished you could remember where the hell you were.

Probably should have paid closer attention when the Captain was talking about it.

Whoops.

All you could remember was that this planet was neutral. As in, they weren’t siding with either of the fighting groups for power. And didn’t support either of them either. But the First Order had plans to change their mindset in exchange for protection.

Looking through the window again, you saw what looked like lots of buildings with surrounding land. It looked like every other big city you had ever been in. Well, you hadn’t seen a lot of them, but it was a bunch of tall buildings with walkways leading everywhere.

The shuttle started rumbling again as it prepared to touch down in the new land. You braced yourself for the landing and tried to not fall over. With a small jolt, it landed, and you reached down for your bag in preparation to leave the ship.

As the ramp began to lower, the troopers in front of you started to file out and down to reach the ground below. You followed suit holding onto your bag tightly. As you reached the ramp, you couldn’t help but stop and admire the view in front of you.

You hadn’t seen anything outside of the Starkiller Base and the Finalizer in what felt like forever. Seeing an area with luscious green grass, clear blue skies, and feeling the warmth in the air made you extremely happy. A hard nudge went into your back and you shook your head out of its daze and scurried down the ramp in a hurry.

The troopers lined up and waited for their order. You looked around and saw the shiny silver suit of Captain Phasma heading towards the front to lead the pack. Seeing the unmistakable head of Hux, you went towards the back where he was standing. The other two medic troopers you had seen before were towards the front.

That was fine by you; you’d rather hide in the back.

Phasma lifted her arm signaling the move and the march towards the city began. Hearing everyone’s synchronized boots walking together made you feel kinda cool. Lifting your head up high, you marched with them in step as you embarked on the city.

You had never ever done anything like this in your life. It made you feel like you had a purpose. This was a new feeling.

Well, you had a purpose in the medbay. But this was completely different.

“Enjoy your chat with Ren?” Hux asked bitterly from behind you.

Slowing down your pace, you walked in line with him and tilted your head to the side, “Yes General, I did.”

He let out a grunt, “All of these special accommodations for some little girl.”

“Are you jealous?” you asked taunting him.

He scoffed, clearly offended by your question, “No. I just don’t like having to postpone my mission for some silly love story.”

“I think you’re jealous,” you said trying to keep in step with the other troopers while also keeping in line with Hux

“I most certainly am not,” he snapped back at you. “I just hate wasting my time catering to that man. If only the Supreme Leader would let me-”

“Let you what?” you asked curiously. “You don’t have the Force; you couldn’t ever be his apprentice.”

“I know that,” he growled getting more annoyed. “But I know how to fight. And control my emotions, which clearly Ren cannot.”

You paused, “Well, why don’t you ask for a promotion or something if you want to be a Commander?”

He was the one that now paused as he had a look of bewilderment on his face, “That could never happen.”

“I mean, I know Kylo-”

“Kylo? You call him by his first name?”

Shit.

“Um, I meant Commander Ren-”

“What is going on between the two of you?” Hux asked tilting his head while glaring at you.

Um, well, you see, sir- I was his medic for a while and then he sort of came on to me this one time. And obviously I was into it because he looks like a fucking god and has those bad boy vibes that I’m a sucker for. And now he’s all I can think about and…

“Nothing,” you said turning your head to look forward again.

“If the Supreme Leader finds out, he’s going to kill you. You know that right?” Hux asked without the slightest bit of emotion.

You nodded quickly not saying anything in return.

Well, fuck.

Focusing back to what was in front of you, you saw that there were hundreds of people wandering around the town square as you observed them. Most people walked in groups chatting and looking somewhat terrified of what was coming into the city.

For such a big city, you half expected there to be more traffic around this time, but maybe everyone was working. Or were busy doing something.

The buildings weren’t super tall, but most of them had lots of windows allowing you to see inside of the offices and businesses. You were intrigued and wished you had the time to go and wander through all of the shops.

The marching of the footsteps suddenly stopped, so you did the same, and you looked upwards at the tall building in front of you. It was also full of windows and proudly hung their flags on the outside. You didn’t recognize the emblem on them, but you assumed Hux would want them changed to the First Order symbol soon.

Phasma entered the building with a few troopers following behind. The rest waited outside in a pointed formation guarding the door. The few of the city’s guards that had been outside followed Phasma inside while a few of the others stood at the door waiting.

“Uh, shouldn’t you be in there with her?” you asked Hux while turning to look at him. “Since you need to come up with some negotiation.”

He gave you a smug look, “Oh, we aren’t negotiating.”

“Then what are you-”

Before you could finish your question, you heard a round of shots being fired from within the building. You immediately ducked down dropping your bag of supplies and reaching for your blaster. Hux pulled out his blaster with a satisfied smirk on his face as he began shooting at civilians that were walking by.

Your mouth hung open as you saw people around you start to fall to the ground. No one had told you anything about killing anyone. Hell, this was supposed to be a peaceful mission.

Kylo was right, the First Order did always have to bring chaos and trouble everywhere that it went.

Lowering your blaster, you watched as Hux continued to fire away bringing people down to the ground. Whipping around, you saw that the city’s guards by the building had been shot down and were now lying dead on the ground. Stormtroopers had begun spreading out following what Hux was doing and shooting the surrounding people down.

The air was filled with screams as the sounds of blasters sounded through the air.

Only a moment before, everything had been peaceful; you had even heard birds chirping, and now it was utter insanity.

There were yells of pain filling the air and you winced as you watched more people falling over from the impact of being shot. Instead of jumping into action, your feet seemed rooted to the ground.

You were absolutely terrified.

Suddenly, you felt a harsh jab on your back, and you fell loudly to the ground on your shoulder with a smack. The way you landed; your body managed to hit a jagged edge of the round where debris had started to build up. It caught on it ripping your arm out from your body. It felt like you had been hit by an avalanche and your entire body shook in from the intense burning you felt in your joint. You assumed it was probably dislocated.

Hmm, how ironic.

Rolling onto your back with a grunt, you looked up to see hundreds of soldiers in tan uniforms jumping over you running into battle against the stormtroopers.

Where had they been hiding? Had they known that there was going to be an attack?

The air was full of smoke and particles of the ground as the shots continued to pierce through the air. With a pained grunt, you sat up trying to evaluate your situation.

Okay, nothing was broken.

You just had to pop the joint in and you could get to helping others. Lifting your arm up over your head, you let out a cry as you threw yourself on the ground to assist in moving the joint. You hit the ground at just the right angle and allowed the joint to pop back into place.

At least momentarily.

It hurt like a bitch and would most definitely not stay in place, but it worked for now. You stood up and grabbed your supply bag looking for troopers to assist. As you rose to your full height, you were relieved to see that most of the stormtroopers were still standing and most of the other army was on the ground.

But then a disgusting feeling rose within your stomach looking at all of the dead bodies that surrounded you. There was so much destruction everywhere that you couldn’t handle what you were seeing. Without being able to control yourself, bile rose up in your throat and you quickly ripped off your helmet.

Your nose was met with the smell of gas, blood, and dirt. That combination plus the sight in front of you made you violently hurl on the ground.

What had you gotten yourself into?

After taking a few deep staggered breaths, you wiped your mouth clean spitting on the ground to try and rid the nasty taste. Putting your helmet back on, you got to work.

Hux had sufficiently moved up towards the building with troopers surrounding him still firing their blasters. You noticed the other medics working on bodies closer to the building and you looked around for others who needed assistance.

A trooper was trying to flag you down and you ran over to them quickly. They had a large cut in their leg, and you squatted opening the bag up. Finding disinfectant, you cleaned the wound making the trooper yell in pain. You grabbed bacta and applied it generously to the wound. Grabbing gauze, you began quickly wrapping it around and then tucking it in.

“Can you stand?” you asked as you gave them a hand to get them up. With a grunt, they took your outstretched hand and slowly stood up, “Okay,” you said reassuringly. “Head back to the shuttle, try not to put weight on it.”

They nodded in response and ducked out of range and moved away. You saw other injured troopers doing the same action and you hoped they would make it back to the shuttle without sustaining further injuries.

If only Kylo were here.

You spent the next couple of hours patching up fallen stormtroopers and trying your best to avoid getting shot. Within that time, you had helped over a dozen troopers get back up and back to the shuttle. Most of them had lacerations on their arms or legs, which were easy to temporarily fix. Others had more serious injuries like broken bones. All you could do for them was make a sort of split to allow them to get back to the shuttle.

Sweat dripped down your body as you worked in the heat. Exhaustion was creeping over you and your entire body was screaming at you.

Your wrist that was wrapped up was feeling absolutely terrible, but you ignored it. Your shoulder hurt so bad you wanted to rip it off, but obviously that wasn’t an option.

At this point, Hux was inside the building now making actual negotiations with the leaders that were inside.

This was all a big act. Pretending that they wanted peace. Pretending that they wanted to cause no harm.

You should have known.

Someone should have at least told you the plan so that you weren’t so caught off guard.

Finally, all of the troopers that could be saved were patched up and good to go. There were quite a few who were dead lying on the ground and you tried not to look at them.

Looking up, you saw the flags that had been hanging outside of the building earlier burst into flames. Soon, First Order emblems took their place showing out brightly to the city surrounding it.

Wow, Hux is efficient.

Your eyes watered thinking of everyone who had just died. All of the stormtroopers who had risked their lives. All of the city’s army men who died. All of the innocent civilians who were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

You didn’t feel right being a part of this.

At the same time, this was your new life. You had to accept that this was just a part of it now.

Hux came strutting out of the building, which you had found out was the capital, with Phasma in tow. The two of them walked through the herd of troopers and led everyone back to the shuttle. You grabbed your bag letting out a groan as you were already aching and joined the group.

Guess the mission was over.

It must have been successful since the General had looked so smug while leaving. Not to mention that the new flags were up on the capital building.

You filed in with the other troopers onto the ship and got into your formation. A yell caught your attention and you remembered all of the injured troopers from before waiting in the back. Leaving your post, you went to the back to make sure everyone back there was doing alright. The other medics saw you moving to help and copied you.

The shuttle began to viciously rumble and slowly started to take flight. Throughout the ride, you were checking bandages and making sure everyone was handling their pain. It made the ride go by quickly and before you knew it, you were back at the Finalizer.

The shuttle docked and as the ramp lowered and troopers filed out, you saw a medical team waiting to assist you and the other medics. With some difficulty, all of them were able to get transferred into the bay. You followed behind them making sure all of the injured troopers were accounted for.

The troopers were brought into the regular medbay and you quickly got to work. Pulling off your uniform and garments, you pulled on thin sanitary scrubs. Your wrist was purple, and you winced looking at it.

Yeah, it might have been a mistake to take off the cast.

You vigorously scrubbed your exposed skin and put on a mask and gloves. Jumping into action, you started doing stitches, attending to wounds, and disinfecting everything. Those with broken bones were being brought into surgery and you saw Madison running around working.

A smile crept over your face seeing her again. You hadn’t necessarily been avoiding her, but you had been so busy with training and working, that you hadn’t given her the time that she deserved.

You’d have to fix that.

Many hours passed by and all of the stormtroopers were now attended too. You felt like you were about to collapse at any moment. Finding your uniform and supplies bag, you heaved them over your shoulder and made your way to the General’s medbay.

Once you arrived after walking through the long hallways, you looked around anxiously for Elliot. You knew he would be able to fix your shoulder quickly and efficiently. You didn’t want to bother anyone who was busy in the other bay.

Pushing open the doors, you slowly trudged your way into the back towards his office. Getting to the door, you reached for the doorknob, but it was quickly opened.

“Oh, my gods babe, are you okay?” Max’s worried voice asked after looking at your figure up and down.

You blinked quickly trying to process what was going on. Elliot got to the door next and looked at you with concern as he visually assessed your injuries. He pushed past Max and pulled you into an examination room. Getting you up onto the table inside, he made you lay down so he could push your shoulder back in place.

“How did the mission go?” he asked while slowly rotating your arm back and worth.

You scrunched up your face in pain, “Fine, I guess. It was successful if that’s what you mean. But it was terrifying.”

“Are you okay?” he asked staring at you while continuing to loosen your joint.

A whine of pain left your mouth, “A little shaken up, but I’m okay,” you replied trying to hold back tears.

It felt like he was tearing your arm off.

He set your arm down slowly resting it on your chest and walked over to the counter to grab pain medication. His back was turned as he rummaged for supplies and you saw Max enter the room.

“Max,” you croaked out reaching for him. “I missed you so much.”

Max ran to your side grabbing your non-purple hand in his giving it a quick kiss, “I missed you too,” he said looking at you with his big eyes. “I didn’t even know you had a mission today. I’m glad you’re okay though.”

“Me too,” you said giving him a soft smile. “But what are you doing here?”

“Well,” Max said slowly. “I was-”

“Alright, here’s the medicine,” Elliot said walking back over to you.

He held the syringe near the joint and looked at you for confirmation and you nodded. As you did, he administered the pain medication and you winced. He set the empty syringe down and picked up your swollen and puffy hand as he glared at you.

“Why is your cast off?”

“Um, well-”

He shook his head examining the wound, “It’s going to take even longer to heal now. You know that right?”

You nodded slowly, “I know. I just needed to have full-range mobility for today and-”

“Babes, you’re an idiot,” Max said with a chuckle. “Only you would purposely injure yourself so you could help others.”

You rolled your eyes and smiled at him. The smile didn’t last as Elliot began moving your arm back and forth. It wasn’t as painful now, actually, you could barely feel anything, but it was still super uncomfortable.

After moving your arm back and forth, Elliot quickly pushed down making your arm pop back into the socket. A groan left your lips, but you felt no pain, thankfully.

How the hell had Kylo gotten his popped back in without any pain medication?

Elliot reached and grabbed a brace for your wrist and gently placed it around the purple skin, “You need to wear this until the swelling goes down,” he instructed. “Then you need to come back for a cast.”

“Okay,” you said slowly sitting up.

Max offered a hand letting you get off of the bed. As your feet landed on the ground you let out a cry and leaned on Max for support. He held you close and had a concerned look on his face.

“What’s wrong?” he asked his eyes scanning your body quickly.

“I’m just exhausted, and sore,” you said trying to stand up straight.

“You need to rest,” Elliot said as he cleaned up the supplies. “You’ll have tomorrow off to get back into things. Then you’ll need to go back to training.”

“Okay, thank you, Elliot,” you said as you began to move out of the room. “I’ll see you later then.”

He nodded and went back to cleaning up. Max held your hand as he walked you back to the supplies bag and your uniform lying on the floor. Bending over, he grabbed your uniform and slung it over his shoulder. You held his hand as the two of you left the bay.

Neither of you spoke as you walked back. You were so tired, and you were leaning on him so heavily, that eventually he stopped and picked you up with one arm. You cuddled into him and let your body relax.

Arriving outside of your door, he plugged in your passcode and the hatch flew open. Max let out a gasp as he looked around the room.

You felt embarrassed because you knew your room was a complete disaster. There were dirty clothes and dishes everywhere. You hadn’t bothered to tidy up before you left because, well, you didn’t want to.

You knew Max wouldn’t judge you, but you had left it in a terrible state.

Slowly lifting your head from his chest, you turned to look into the mess that was your room and you gasped in surprise.

Instead of the chaos that you had left, you were met with a sparkling clean room and a freshly made bed. Scattered all around the room were small candles that were softly flickering making the room seem to glow.

Max slowly set you down on the ground and let out a whistle of approval, “I’ll leave y’all alone,” he said with a smirk. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

You nodded and gave him a kiss on the cheek, “Bye, Max.”

He smiled and set your uniform down on the ground before turning to leave. The hatch closed behind him and you gently stepped inside of your room still gawking at the candles.

You could hear water running and soft footsteps were coming towards you from the bathroom. Kylo’s head appeared around the corner and your face broke into a huge smile.

He walked straight over to you and pulled you in for an embrace tucking his head into the crook of your neck and your shoulder. With one large hand, he cupped the back of your head pulling you towards him even closer as his other hand wrapped around your back.

You nuzzled into his chest and inhaled his scent. He pulled away slightly brushing a finger over your lips making you shudder.

“I have a bath waiting for us.”


	29. Let Me Take Care of You

The words Kylo spoke rang through your ears, “I have a bath waiting for us.”

You looked at him in utter disbelief trying to understand what he was saying. Trying to make sense of what was happening.

It all felt like a dream. Everything that was surrounding you.

Like you were stuck in a haze and he was the only thing that you could see clearly. He was the light shining bright against the storm and fog around you.

You felt undeserving of all of it. Unworthy of his actions. Everything just felt too damn good to be true.

It felt like it could all be snatched up from beneath you at any moment.

Swallowing and trying not to choke on your words, you looked at him, “Y-You cleaned up my room?” you asked while blinking up at him in amazement tightening your arms around his neck. 

He nodded his head as he gripped your waist tightly and ran his other hand over the back of your head reassuringly. “And, and you put out all these candles?” you asked gesturing around the dimly lit room.

A slight tinge of pink came over his cheeks as he nodded again never breaking his eye contact with you. His gaze was soft as he waited patiently while listening to what you were rambling about.

“And, and y-you have a bath, a bath for us?” you asked trying to keep your tears at bay as you nestled your fingers into his hair.

“Yes baby,” he cooed at you as his dark eyes twinkled.

You melted at his words, “You didn’t have to do all of this,” you said looking all around your room. “You didn’t have to-”

He shushed you while rocking your body slowly with his, as if you were slow dancing, “I know I didn't have to. But let me take care of you.”

Your entire body warmed, and yet you still said, “But, but Kylo-”

“Stop, you’re not going to win this argument,” he said with a slight smirk as he bent down to gently scoop you up and a small giggle left your chest. He carried you effortlessly towards the hot running water of the tub.

After the insane day you had, it felt like heaven to be wrapped up in his arms with your head resting against his body. He felt so solid and strong while you felt woozy and weak in comparison. It was like he knew exactly what you needed at that moment. The weight of everything you had just witnessed and lived through was definitely taking a toll on your mind and your body.

Now, you wanted nothing more than to be held by Kylo.

And never let him go.

He tenderly sat you down on the counter of your sink as if he were afraid your body might fall apart. Reaching up slowly, he tenderly cupped your face in his hand and you instantly nuzzled into it. The feeling of his large warm hands on your skin made you instantly feel safe.

Moving his hand, he reached to release your hair from the knot at the back of your head. A sigh of relief left you as your hair cascaded around your face in a curtain and he slowly pushed it out of your eyes. The look on his face was something you had never seen on him before. His expressions were usually tough, stoic, and emotionless; but now, his face was soft and kind.

It was as if he was looking at the most precious thing he had ever seen.

Leaning in, he brushed his plump lips across your neck, “Let’s get these off of you,” he murmured in a voice so low it made you shudder.

You couldn’t even manage to say something back, and you merely nodded in response. It was like your whole body listened to his commands and rendered you speechless. Just from the touch of his pink full lips to your skin.

“I need to get you cleaned up,” he hummed into you while leaving wet kisses on your neck.

His hands snaked down and tenderly started lifted up your scrub top. Wanting to get things rolling, you sat up straighter and lifted your arms straight above your head to assist him. You instantly regretted doing that as a sharp jolt of pain shot through you making you groan and drop your arms.

“What is it?” he asked with concern as his lips moved away from your neck.

You reached up to try and massage the joint, “I uh, dislocated my shoulder today.” The creases in Kylo’s forehead deepened at this and you quickly said, “But don’t worry, Elliot already put it back in place. It’s just a little sore.”

His worried face softened lightly and was replaced with a slow smirk, “Ironic, don’t you think?”

A smile crossed your face, “Yeah, I guess it is.”

He paused briefly as if he was deep in thought, “I remember that day like it was yesterday,” he said while continuing to try and undress you, “The day I met you.”

You watched as he started removing your top for you, “Me too,” you said back with a laugh. “I wasn’t even that scared of you. Just confused by what you were doing”

“I know,” he replied as he finally got your arms out of the sleeves and pulled the scrub top over your head. “I was reading your mind trying to figure out what you thought of me since you weren’t saying anything.”

You chuckled as a shiver went through your body from your skin being exposed to the cold air, “Well, I was like, super intimidated. I had never even seen you on base before and then suddenly you were inside of my medbay.”

“Yes, you were quiet,” he hummed into you while he undid the clasp on your bra and pulled the straps down your arms leaving your chest exposed, “But your thoughts were very loud.”

A small gasp left your body as his lips moved down towards your breasts. He looked up at you while he stuck his tongue out and started tracing each of your stiffened nipples. Without breaking eye contact, he reached for your scrub bottoms and started inching them down your body.

“You were thinking about my arms,” he said in a deep voice as he took your nipple in his mouth. He began sucking and biting at it making you arch your back and lean against the mirror behind you as a moan escaped your lips. “You were thinking about what I could do to you.”

Your cheeks blushed thinking of the memory, “I couldn’t help it,” you replied watching him as moved to your other breast. “I don’t know if you’ve ever looked at yourself, but you’re hot as fuck.”

This got a chuckle from him as he finally got your pants off. A pink tint was on his freckled cheeks as if he was slightly embarrassed and he kneeled down in front of your legs as he took your shoes off.

Running his rough hands up your legs, he looked deeply into your eyes while he kissed his way up your body marking you as his. Your heart was beating rapidly as you observed his delicate yet forceful movements. He was leaving spots that only the two of you would be able to see on your skin. Allowing yourself to enjoy the feeling, you relaxed into him.

Kylo wrapped his hands around your waist making you come out of the trance he had put you in. He lifted you off of the counter and stood you in front of him making sure you were balanced.

Once he knew you were steady, he moved over to the side to shut off the running water. The tub was now almost full and had mountains of soft bubbles sitting on top of it. The room smelt heavenly and you couldn’t wait to sink underneath the water.

He moved back towards you pulling you into his embrace, “Are you coming in with me?” you asked quietly curling your fingers into his clothing.

His face was hesitant, and he looked away from you still holding on to your body, “I don’t know, Red.”

You slid your hands up his torso to rest them on his chest, “Please, Kylo,” you begged running one hand up to tuck back a piece of his hair.

He said nothing while he just looked at you with a blank face. You let out a big sigh of disappointment and detached yourself from him.

“Can you at least help me get in?”

His head nodded and he dropped his arms at your sides. Bending down to kneel in front of you again, he reached up to the band of your underwear. Holding his shoulders for support, you let him take them off of your body. Stepping each foot out of them slowly, he took them off and added them to the pile of clothing on your floor.

Standing back up, he held out a hand and you took it. He led you over to the tub and you looked up at him with big doe eyes silently pleading with him. A sad look crossed his face and he hooked his hands underneath your arms. Lifting you up, he gently lowered your body into the hot soapy water.

Instant relief flooded over you and he let your body get adjusted to the temperature before lowering you down further. The water felt silky smooth and you assumed that Kylo must have put some oils in the bath as well.

Your feet were now planted on the floor of the tub and you gipped his arm as you lowered your entire body down. Careful to keep your swollen hand dry, you sunk the rest of yourself into the water.

Kylo stood over you quietly observing your movements. As if he was having an internal battle with himself, he pulled the stool from the corner and sat down next to you. Making eye contact, you watched him struggle to make a decision.

“Please,” you nearly whispered. He shut his eyes and breathed deeply as you let out a whine, “Why won’t you let me see you? See all of you?”

“It’s complicated-”

“Why?” you said sitting up quickly making the water slosh around. “You’ve seen all of me. What’s stopping you?”

He rested his elbows on his knees and buried his head in his hands, “It’s not that simple.”

“Why does this need to be difficult?”

Still looking away, he said, “I just can’t.”

The same feelings from weeks before came over you. Those feelings of him not actually wanting you. Of him just using you. Of him not caring.

But you knew he did. Knew he cared.

So, why was he being this way?

“Baby,” you cooed at him making his head lift up. His deep chocolate eyes locked with yours and you softened your expression, “Please, get in the tub with me.”

He watched your face to see if you were serious and you sat there waiting. Slowly to not make more of a mess, you scooted forward in the tub leaving space behind you for him to sit. You took your un-casted hand out from the water and held it out for him to take. Hesitantly, he grumbled and took your hand. You ran your wet thumb over his hand soothingly.

“I just want to be close to you,” you said quietly. “We haven’t been able to properly be together in weeks.”

Kylo squeezed your hand lightly in acknowledgment of your words, “I know.”

“I don’t know what is holding you back, but…” you paused not sure how to put it into words. “I want you to be comfortable with me. I thought that we were at this point and-”

He stopped you by standing up and letting go of your hand. You opened your mouth to speak but were stunned into silence as he started to slip off his boots.

His gaze was on you as he started removing his clothing piece by piece. The room felt incredibly hot, and it wasn’t just from the bathwater.

Gripping the tub, you pulled yourself up to stand and face him. The water in the tub moved around slightly from the movement. Soap clung to your body and water dripped down your skin making everything on your body slick.

The tension between the two of you continued to grow and you reached over towards him to tug at his clothing making sure he knew what you wanted. You attempted to help him remove the clothing without raising your arm too high or making a mess.

He took a step towards you so that your chests were almost pressed together. He was watching you as you gently pushed the last of his layers off of his shoulders to reveal his entire bare torso. Leaning in, you placed your damp hands on his body leaving soft kisses on his chest.

A sigh left him as he held onto your hips. You lifted your head up to look at him as you moved your hands to his waistband. He inhaled sharply as you started removing the layer of clothing that hid his legs. Moving his hands, he helped your removal of the clothing until he was completely bare.

You stood back to admire him.

He looked fucking fantastic.

Before you could fully take in his naked body, he moved to step into the bath. Understanding his movements, you moved forward in the tub to give him space. He got both of his feet in the tub and grabbed your hand.

He tentatively started to sink himself into the water and somehow did it without spilling any over the edge. His hand still in yours, he pulled you down with him so that you were crouching in the water now.

Large hands gripped your shoulders and spun your body around so that your back was against his front. He pulled you in tightly gripping you around your waist and pulled you to sit in between his long legs. You nuzzled your body into him and rested your head on his chest.

Closing your eyes, you placed one hand on the edge of the tub. The other was underwater resting on his outstretched leg. He let out a sigh and sunk the two of you deeper into the water.

You had never in your life felt so calm.

“How did your mission go?” you asked quietly while running your hand up and down his muscled thigh.

His hand started tracing lazy patterns on your stomach as he spoke, “It was fine. We got what we went there for.” His other hand moved to grip your thigh, “It didn’t need to take over two weeks, but at least it’s over.”

You hummed relaxing into his touch, “Will you stay here for a while then?” you asked hopefully.

“Yes,” he said moving his hand slowly upwards from your leg. “I’ll be here with you.”

Your breath started to quicken at his touch moving upwards. The hand that was on your stomach moved up to your breasts at a wickedly slow pace. After taunting you, his fingers finally reached the underside of your boobs and he slowly followed the curve of them.

Your eyes fluttered closed and you leaned back into him making your chest stick out further underneath the water. Without meaning to, your legs began opening up wider from the sudden arousal you felt within you.

Kylo being gone for over two weeks meant that you hadn’t been touched in that long. You wanted to wait for him to come back to make things feel more special, but that just meant that you were feeling desperate at this point.

Even underneath the water, you knew your pussy was dripping. Especially knowing that Kylo was fully naked behind you.

Sensing your shift in moods, both of his hands were now gripping on to your nipples pulling and massaging them. A whimper left your mouth as he continued to feel you.

“Kylo,” you breathed out heavily wanting his hands to move towards your center.

He hummed in approval, “Does my little girl want to be touched?” You nodded quickly tightening your grip on his thigh, and he said a little rougher, “No, I want to hear you say it.”

“I want you to touch me,” you breathed out heavily. “Please Kylo, I’ve missed your fingers.”

One of his hands quickly moved down your body to your open legs. A gasp left you as his finger swiped up and down your slit. You were squirming under his touch wanting him to move quicker. He snickered behind you and moved his fingers up to your clit and began massaging it in circles. You moaned and gripped his thigh tightly as you moved your hips into his touch.

“So greedy for me,” he said into your ear making you shiver. He began kissing and biting at your ear moving down your neck as his fingers picked up their pace, “Such a good girl,” he hummed making you groan in pleasure.

He knew exactly what to do and say to make you completely unravel. It was like his body was made to pleasure yours.

Without warning, his thick fingers shoved inside of you and loud moan left you. You were so wet that he slipped right into you. Having the water there also helped with the lubrication.

“Fuck, you’re so tight,” he said in your ear. “So wet for me.”

You nodded as you rocked your hips into his fingers, “Yes, Kylo. Just for you.” You could already feel yourself reaching your high and you arched further back into him, “Fuck, I’m so close.”

“Already?” he asked as he bit down on your shoulder. “I can feel you tightening around me, fuck.”

Your hips continued rocking into his fingers and he added another finger picking up the pace. You felt so stretched out from just the two fingers and you were so damn close to your peak.

“Please, can I cum,” you whined at him desperate to finish.

“Cum for me,” he said lowly as he kept ramming his thick fingers into you.

A loud whine left your body as you hit your climax but that didn’t stop his fingers. Your back settled against him again moving away from his hand and you felt his hard erection behind you.

You instinctively reached your hand back to grip his long cock. He sucked in a surprised breath as you started moving your hand up and down. His head rolled back, and his hips bucked up into your tight grip around him.

“Does that feel good?” you cooed as you started turning your body around to face him. He nodded and opened his mouth in awe as you started to pick up the pace, “I want to hear you say it,” you hushed back.

“Yes, fuck, it feels good,” he said shakily as he shut his eyes.

He must have been waiting those two weeks like you had if you were already having this effect on him. You were facing him now, and you felt yourself getting wet again just seeing his face screwed up in pleasure.

Could you ride him in the tub; or would it make too much of a mess?

His eyes flung open as he looked at you hungrily clearly reading your thoughts. He reached for your face bringing you straight to him. Your mouth connected with his lipa and your tongue immediately found his.

The kiss was greedy as your mouths moved together. You had kissed him earlier in the day before your mission, but it hadn’t been for long enough.

You couldn’t ever get enough of him.

He was panting now as he was reaching his climax. His hips were moving up to meet your strokes enough so that the water in the tub rocked all around you.

“Need to feel you,” he said as his hand slinked down and grabbed your hips.

“My mouth? Or my-”

You were cut off when he lifted you up so that your legs straddled him and he sunk you down directly onto him. A scream ripped through you as he stretched you wide open. You were dripping, but it was still a painful burn as he filled you up.

“Fuck, you’re so tight,” he hissed as he let you adjust to his size. “I missed this.”

You gripped his shoulders tightly as you started rocking into him, “Shit, you feel so good,” you whined. “I missed this too,” you admitted.

A sly grin came over his face as his hands started to assist your hips. He let out a moan as you adjusted your position allowing you to start bouncing up and down on him. The slapping sound was muffled by the water which was now spilling all around the tub.

He gripped your ass harshly while he hammered his cock deep within you. Your hand reached up to his hair and pulled on it making him groan. You were moaning and slurring out words as you continued your pace unable to control the noises coming out of your mouth.

Another orgasm was already reaching you, but you wanted to enjoy this high for a while longer. Your mouth found his again and you bit down on his lip. This made him hold your hips still as he now angled his body to be able to start slamming into you.

The water slowed down the movement, but he was still mercilessly fucking you and it felt amazing. You clenched at the feeling and released your lips from him to let your head fall back.

“Fuck-” you whined feeling yourself clench around him again as he picked up the pace.

His hands spread apart your cheeks and you felt water in brand new places. You also felt his fingers in the same new spot.

His thumb was slowly making its way into your tight hole and you tried to relax enough to let him in. He growled as his thumb pushed in and you clenched yet again.

“Filthy little girl likes both of her holes filled,” he said as he pounded into you.

“Yes, fuck. Yes Daddy,” you said knowing that would send him over the edge.

You were right.

He groaned loudly and you were right on the edge of your orgasm. The feeling of the water surrounding you, his grip on you, and having him in both of your holes made you feel so full.

“Are you going to cum for Daddy?” he asked wickedly.

He was shaking beneath your body and you knew he was also nearing his release.

You nodded your head quickly, “Yes, yes Daddy,” you said in between moans. “Fuck me, oh fuck baby.”

A wicked burn ran through you as you hit your orgasm and you screamed out his name as you came down hard. He was moaning loudly, and you felt his warm load of cum release inside of you. He slowed down his movements and released his thumb from you.

Still inside of you, he pulled your body to his and wrapped his arms around you. Both of you were panting heavily trying to catch your breath. A thin layer of sweat coated both of your bodies.

You rested your head on his chest and let your hand comb through his soft hair lazily loving the way it felt between your fingers. Pulling your head away after resting for a bit, you gazed into his deep golden eyes.

Kylo instantly leaned in so he could pepper your face with kisses making you giggle. He smiled against your skin as he continued leaving wet sloppy kisses now. His hands were moving up and down your body trying to tickle you.

It was definitely working.

“Kylo,” you squealed as he pinched and poked at you making you squirm.

“Is my baby ticklish?” he asked not letting up on his small torture.

You kept laughing trying to shake your head no, but he knew by now that it was a straight-up lie. He was laughing along with you now and he eased up on his movements.

His genuine laughter was the most goregous sound. You hoped you would be able to hear it again. 

“I’m glad you’re back,” you said as you rubbed your thumb slowly over his cheek.

“Well, I’m glad you’re back,” he said leaning in to your touch. “I was worried about you.”

“Kylo,” you said as you felt a blush creep over your cheeks. “It was only a one-day mission. And it went fine.”

He scoffed, “Anything having to do with Hux never ends well.”

“Well, I’m here and I’m okay.”

He ran his hands up and down your body, “You’re covered in bruises, you dislocated your shoulder, and your wrist is worse now than before. That’s not okay,” he said as his face creased in worry.

You reached up to smooth the wrinkles away, “I’m better now that I’m here,” you said leaning in to kiss him.

This kiss was softer than the ones you had earlier. Those were desperate and driven. This one was slow, and you felt yourself leaning into him never wanting his lips to leave yours.

The kiss quickly deepened, and you could feel him already getting hard within in you. It was a new sensation; to feel him go from hard, to soft, and back to fully erect again.

“Wanna go again?” you asked breaking your lips away from him.

“Hmm,” he said moving your hips into him. “How about we move this somewhere else?” he said roughly as he bit your ear.

“But we’re soaking wet,” you squealed as you felt him moving beneath you.

Instead of moving your hips into him, he held them steady as he began to rise out of the water. You began to shudder as the cold air hit your wet body. He gripped you tightly and you wrapped your legs around his waist.

Carefully, he stepped out of the tub making sure you were holding on to him tightly. He walked over a few feet towards the shower and stepped inside. You were still wrapped around his cock as he turned on the water of the shower.

Cold water hit the both of you, but before you had time to react, he started pumping into you making you moan loudly. He held you up by gripping your ass harshly and you knew you’d have bruises there tomorrow.

The water coming from the shower was warming up as it dripped down your bodies. Kylo looked absolutely amazing as the water dripped down his head and cascaded across his hard body. You had one hand wrapped up in his wet locks and another wrapped around his neck to help keep you up.

He was slamming his hard length into you with so much force that you couldn’t meet his pace even if you tried to. You couldn’t have spoken words if you had wanted to as your mouth hung open in pleasure.

The sounds of his body slapping into yours echoed throughout the shower along with both of your loud moans.

It was like music to your ears.

Kylo leaned in and pressed his forehead into yours as he fucked you. Your nails dug into his back as you felt the pressure of your orgasm building again. You knew you were already close and you clenched down determined to have him finish with you.

“Fuck,” he hissed out and he slapped your ass making you groan. “Cum for me, I know you’re close.”

His hard cock was moving in and out of you so quickly you felt like you were floating. You hit your peak so quickly and your entire body was shaking on top of him. Your body was throbbing with sensitivity as he kept his hold on you.

You knew he wanted to finish inside of you, but you had other ideas, “Let me taste you, Daddy,” you hummed in his ear.

He swore under his breath and quickly but gently set you down. You sunk to your knees immediately and stuck your tongue out waiting for him. Fisting his length over your face, he groaned. Reaching up, you held his balls in your hand and rolled them around slowly.

“Oh shit,” he moaned.

You continued your action moving your head closer to him. The water was dripping down him and you couldn’t keep your eyes away as you stared at him.

“Daddy,” you whined licking your lips.

You tightened your grip on him and he lost it.

Hot ropes of cum covered your face. He was groaning loudly as he kept his grip making sure to get the last drop out. You waited until he was done before you took your fingers and gathered the excess and sucked it down.

Once you had wiped the remaining cum off of your face and had licked it down, he pulled you up into a hot kiss. You wrapped your arms around his neck loving the feeling of your naked body pressed against his.

Your brace that Elliot had given you was completely soaked this point, but you didn’t care. 

It was all worth it.

Kylo broke away from the kiss and pecked you on the nose. He was still breathing harder than normal and you kissed his chest. Even though both of you were underneath the water now, you were both sweaty.

Slowly, Kylo released you and reached for the soaps sitting behind you. He grabbed the shampoo and lathered it into his large hands before working it into your scalp. You shut your eyes and held onto his waist to balance yourself.

The water from the shower was hitting your back as you faced him. Once he was satisfied with his job, he tilted your head back and washed the suds out of your hair. He then grabbed the conditioner and worked it into your ends.

You watched him silently admiring him while he worked. His face was screwed up in concentration as he reached over to grab body wash. A giggle left you as he started to wash your body. He grinned from you flinching away from his light touch making you feel ticklish again.

Rubbing the soap in, he made sure to get every inch of your body. He spent extra time on your ass and your tits making you laugh. You grabbed the soap from him and started washing him down. He instantly shut his eyes and allowed you to get to work.

You took the time to admire him. His legs that you had never seen bare before were lean but muscular as he led up to his chiseled torso. You didn’t know why it took him so long to show you his full body, but you were glad he finally decided to.

After you rinse the soap off of his body, you reached for the shampoo, but he caught your wrist with a smirk, “Do you really think you can reach the top of my head?”

A light blush fell over your face, “Probably not.”

“Let’s trade places then.”

You nodded in agreement and took his place out of the direct water and let him shampoo his own hair. Watching him reach up towards his head made his whole body stretch out and you could see each individual muscle on him.

Holy shit he was perfect.

He chuckled and looked down at you after rinsing his shampoo out, “You staring at me?”

“You’re so beautiful, Kylo,” you said wrapping your arms around his waist. Tilting your head upwards, you saw him blushing and avoiding your eye contact. “Look at you blushing.”

“I am not,” he said with a smile.

“Maybe I’ll start calling you Red,” you said with a mischievous grin.

He shook his head as he wrapped his arms around you, “Nope, that’s reserved for you and only you.”

The two of you continued to banter until your sides were hurting with laughter. It felt so good to be able to go from your hot and heavy session from earlier to something lighthearted like this.

You knew how you felt about him, but you didn’t want to ruin anything by saying it out loud.

Plus, there was still so much that the two of you didn’t know about the other.

Kylo shut off the water and stepped out first. He grabbed a towel and pat his body down before wrapping it around his narrow waist. He reached for another towel and waved for you to step out. He dried you off before wrapping your entire body in the fluffy towel and picking you up.

“What about the tub water?”

“I’ll get it in a minute,” he said as he walked you towards your bed.

Your room was still softly glowing from the candles that Kylo had lit earlier. He placed you down on the bed softly and gave you a kiss on the forehead before walking back over to the tub to drain the water.

You were feeling extremely sleepy after the day you had and the three orgasms that Kylo had just given you. Pulling the sheets back, you snuggled into them and sunk your head into your pillow inhaling the clean scent. He must have changed your sheets when he tidied up your room.

Awe.

You heard him walking over towards the bed and he crawled under the covers and pulled you to him. He spooned you and ran his fingers through your damp hair. It felt so relaxing and you almost fell asleep to the softness of his touch.

Rolling over quickly and surprising him, you asked, “Can I braid your hair sometime?”

He stared at you blankly before saying, “Uh, why?”

“I think you would look cute,” you said reaching up to touch his dampened hair. “I can just do the top if you want.”

“Or I can braid your hair,” he said reaching for your head.

“You know how to braid?” you asked quizzically.

He nodded, “Yes, my mother taught me.”

Your heart warmed at him mentioning his mother. He had never said anything about his family before. Well, you hadn’t really either. You weren’t sure if you had ever really told him anything about Kori other than that she had always annoyed you.

Your hand cupped his face, “That’s nice. I bet you’re good at it.”

“Oh, I am,” he said with a soft smile. “I used to help her with her hairstyles all the time.” You smiled listening to him talk. “My dad used to help her, but then he’d be gone on trips and such. Then I started to help out. I got quite good,” he said as his voice got quieter at the end. 

You wanted to know more about his family but knew better than to ask. You grabbed his hand and gave it a soft kiss, “Thank you for telling me.” He nodded holding his hand in yours. “And thank you for doing all of this,” you said looking around your room. “I appreciate it.”

“Anything for you,” he murmured pulling you closer to him. “Why did you let it get so bad in here?” he asked softly.

“Um, well, I don’t do well on my own,” you said slowly. “I don’t like being alone.”

Gripping your body tighter to his, he let out a loud sigh as he mumbled, “You’re never alone.” It felt like your heart stopped as he said, “You have me.”

“You’re all mine,” you said lowly grabbing onto him.

“All yours,” he said while resting his forehead against yours.

The two of you relished in his words and you could feel yourself falling asleep. Kylo gently tugged the towel out from underneath you and took his off as well and went to hang them up near the tub. He tenderly took off your wet brace to let it dry overnight.

He then blew out all the candles before he snuggled up next to you under the covers. Your eyelids were already heavy at this point and you fell asleep almost instantly once his arms were around you. He was muttering something to you, but you couldn’t tell what he was saying.

In the morning, you woke up feeling warm and whole.

Kylo’s dark curls were on your face as his head was right next to yours. You smiled and let your hand run through his hair. He slowly started to move and pulled you closer to him.

“I have to go soon,” he said in a deep husky voice that sent shivers through you.

“Why?” you whined holding him closely.

“I need to report to Snoke and fill him in on the mission,” he grumbled back at you.

You sighed knowing you couldn’t argue with him, “When do you need to leave?”

“I should have already left,” he said in a pained voice as he slowly started to sit up.

You clung to him desperate for him to stay there with you, “No, don’t leave me.”

“I have to,” he said starting to get off of the bed.

A huge pout came over you as you watched him walk away. The bed already felt cold without him in it. He was moving around your room grabbing things and getting his clothing on. You shut your eyes to avoid looking at him leaving knowing you really wanted him to stay.

His footsteps walked over to the bed and you opened your eyes. He was standing over you fully dressed with his helmet tucked underneath his arm. You sat up pulling the sheets up with you to keep in the warmth.

“I’ll see you later, okay?” he said bending over to leave a kiss on your head.

“Okay,” you said tilting your head back to kiss him.

He met your lips but quickly pulled away. Kissing your nose, he pulled his helmet on and started walking towards your door to exit. You watched him leave, but as the hatch flew open, he turned around to you.

“You should really put your brace back on.”

You rolled your eyes, “Ugh, fine.”

A synthesized chuckle left him as he walked through the door out into the hallway. The room was silent as the hatch shut close. You flopped back into the bed scooting over to where he was lying to try and absorb the leftover warmth.

You woke up a few hours later and sat up slowly in your bed. Your entire body was aching and you debating taking another bath, but ultimately, you realized you really just needed more sleep.

The room felt cold, so you decided to first find Kylo’s sweater that you had stolen and put that on. It hung to your knees and you inhaled deeply loving the scent of it. Reluctantly, you put your brace back on glad to see that the swelling had started to go down.

Crawling back into your bed, you cuddled into the sheets and tried not to think about everything that had been going on recently.

Your new promotion. New room. New supervisor. New trainer. New responsibilities. 

Everything was so different than what it had been only a couple of months ago.

You had lost so much since then but had gained a lot more.

There were parts that you missed, obviously Kori, but a lot of your time on Starkiller Base wasn’t that great. You were never appreciated at work. You were constantly comparing yourself to your sister wondering why Damon liked her; it was just madness.

How the hell did you ever have feelings for that horrid man?

You wondered where he was now. You assumed that Kylo had made sure that he was far away from the both of you- which you definitely weren’t sad about.

Kylo was always doing things for you. 

You knew he had feelings for you, that was for damn sure. But was there a future for the two of you?

Could there be a future?

You honestly didn’t even know what his normal day looked like. He was training under the Supreme Leader, but to become what? You didn’t know that much about his life you were realizing. And he really didn’t know much about yours.

You vowed to tell him something new about you each day in hopes that the two of you could become closer. That the two of you would bond.

Feeling content with your thinking, you fell back asleep.

It must have been hours later, because you woke up with a wicked grumbling in your stomach. You moved your body around and realized that there was someone in your room.

You sat up quickly and saw Kylo sitting on the edge of your bed with a stont cold look.

Your body relaxed and you scooted closer to him with a huge smile. He flinched away from you making your forehead crease in confusion.

“Kylo, what-”

He got off of the bed quickly and stood in front of you holding his mask similar to his stance from this morning, “You will address me as Commander Ren.”

You stared at him blankly, “What are you playing at? What’s going on?” you asked as you reached out towards him.

He slapped your wrist away with a scowl and you curled into your body. You could feel the tears in your eyes, and you didn’t try to stop them as the poured down your cheeks.

“W-What happened?”

“I am your Supervisor; you shouldn’t talk back to me,” he hissed.

You pushed the covers back and got off the bed quickly walking over to him, “Kylo, baby, what’s wrong? Why are you being like-”

Before you could finish your question, a harsh slap hit against your cheek. You let out a whine of pain as you stared at him in shock. You blinked rapidly to try and see him, but you were crying too hard.

It was like he was under some spell.

“Don’t touch me medic,” he spat at you.

You crouched down to the floor holding your throbbing cheek, “Kylo, don’t do this. Don’t do this to us.”

“There is no us. There never was an us.”

The slap on your cheek hurt, but not as much as his words. 

This had to all be a nightmare. There was no way that this was actually happening right now.

Where had the soft and kind Kylo from last night and the morning gone?

“Was it something Snoke said to you-”

“You will address your Superiors with respect,” he said taking a step towards you.

Your entire body cowered away from him and you hunched into the bed behind you afraid he would hit you again.

“Kylo,” you begged through your heavy sobs. “Please.”

He said nothing as he watched you sobbing on the ground. Without a word, he slipped his helmet on and began walking towards the door to leave.

You stood up in a hurry and chased him to the door.

“What the fuck?” you shouted at him. “This is how you’re going to end things?”

He didn’t even turn to look at you as the hatch flew open and he walked through leaving you alone.


	30. We Aren’t Done with This

“What do you know about the Force?”

Jonah was breathing heavily as he stood in front of you holding onto a baton. He was hunched over slightly gripping his knees to catch his breath. He looked up at you in surprise at your question probably not expecting you to ask something like that.

“I know a little about it,” he said hesitantly standing up straighter. “Why do you ask?”

You shrugged casually trying to make it seem like you were simply curious, “Well, I just, um, wondered if you knew anything about it.”

He wiped the back of his hand over his forehead and walked over to the side of the training room to take a sip of his water. You followed his lead and took a sip of your own greedily sucking it down.

The two of you had been intensely training and you were finally the one making him exhausted from it all. He was definitely more skilled than you, but all of your time spent with him was finally starting to show. The last bout the two of you had led to you nearly disarming him, which you took great pride in.

It helped that you had a wicked temper to fuel you recently.

“What do you want to know about it?” Jonah asked before taking another long drink of water.

You set your water down and picked up your baton that you had set down, “Do you know anything about reading minds? Like, Force users reading people’s minds.”

He scrunched up his face slightly before saying, “I understand a little bit. The Force is still a bit of a mystery to everyone, even those who wield the power to use it.” Nodding slowly, you looked at him hoping he would continue. “I’m unsure if they can all read minds, maybe only those who are really strong in the Force,” he said raising his eyebrow a bit as if he was in deep concentration. “I would assume it takes a lot of strength to be able to do that, though. Reading people’s thoughts.”

“Is, is there,” you paused trying to still seem innocently curious. “Is there a way that you can block your thoughts from being read?”

The question seemed to throw Jonah off slightly, but he was still calm as he answered, “Yes, probably. I would assume that it takes some training to be able to do that.” He grabbed his baton and started walking back out into the training room and you followed him again. “Why are you asking me about this? Is something wrong?”

You smiled at his concern walking over to him, “No, I just want to learn how to block out my thoughts.”

He tilted his head to the side, “Who are you hiding your thoughts from?”

Biting your lip, you shuffled your foot on the ground avoiding his eye contact, “Uh, I think you know the answer to that question.”

A soft chuckle left him as he ran a hand through his sweat-dampened hair, “Does he read your thoughts?”

Without even having to tell him who you were talking about, he knew.

Well, good. It saved you from having to say his name out loud.

“Yes,” you said quicker than you had wanted to. “Well, he used to,” you said trying to recover from your hasty response.

“And, you want me to help you block off your mind?” Jonah asked hesitantly as he twirled the baton in between his fingers.

Your head shot up to look at him, “You could do that?”

He laughed again, “I can try. I’ve never done it before though,” he said with a tone of warning. “However, I do meditate regularly, and I know Force users do this as well. So, maybe we can try that and see if it works in blocking him out.”

A smile fell over your face and you nodded in excitement, “You could help me with that?”

“Of course. We can end our training sessions with it, if you want,” he offered.

“I’d really like that.”

He crossed his arms over his chest, “Are you okay? Is there something going on where I should be concerned?”

Hearing those words come out of his mouth made you want to cry, but you held it back letting out a loud sigh, “No, I’m okay. Thank you for asking though.”

He didn’t look convinced, “Okay. But would you tell me if something was going on?”

“Yeah, I promise.”

Jonah shook his head and held his baton back up letting the subject drop, “Alright, enough chit chat, let’s keep going.”

You smiled, thankful for the distraction, and held your baton up to start going again.

The session went by quickly and you were dripping in sweat by the time you were finished. It felt so good to let out all of your frustrations in your training. You didn’t know how long the training with Jonah would go for, since you had already been on your first mission, but you weren’t upset about it.

This was the first time in a long time that you actually felt okay.

Well, actually that was a big fucking lie.

But things were definitely getting better.

To say you were upset after everything went down with Kylo would be an understatement. You had been devastated.

Honestly, you still were.

How had the two of you managed to go from being complete strangers, to as close as you were, and then back to nothing?

You tried not to think about it because it only made you more upset. It was really hard to deal with. Luckily, you had a lot of great distractions.

Working with Elliot in the medbay was going really well and he was letting you lead surgeries and procedures now. He even trusted you to be completely alone in there without him watching. You appreciated his trust and you were determined to not disappoint him.

Jonah was also really great at distracting you. He made you train so hard that by the end of your sessions, your body felt like soup. You had to drag yourself back to your quarters after each time barely making it into your shower.

Sitting on the tiled floor and letting the cold water hit you always felt nice. It also made you extra sleepy which you were thankful for.

The nights were the worst, though.

After the night that Kylo first left, you didn’t sleep. It was absolutely miserable.

The next morning, however, it was like something inside of you switched. Like the lighting of a match. You had caught fire and it wasn’t going out anytime soon.

Fuck him and all the hell he had put you through.

You were sad, with good reason, but you were angrier more than anything. All of this time pining and wanting him had led to absolutely nothing. And you were pissed.

Rightfully so.

Max and Madison had been so supportive. They were also pissed, maybe even more than you. Especially when you told them that he had hit you.

Max looked like he was going to burst a blood vessel. He looked concerned before he looked angry enough to murder someone. You confessed telling him it wasn’t the first time Kylo had hit you. This made him go off on you saying that you shouldn’t have been keeping that stuff from him.

It made you feel guilty, staying silent about those things, and now you didn’t want to keep things from him. Or Madison. They were your best friends after all. There was no use in lying to them.

Ending this intense training session with meditation actually felt nice. You wanted to fall asleep, but Jonah made sure you stayed awake.

You had never let your body and mind relax like that before. It was actually quite soothing. It was tricky trying to keep your thoughts focused on what he was instructing you to do. Your mind wandered so easily making it difficult for you to keep on track. Somehow you managed to get through it, and you felt good afterward.

Walking back to your quarters, you felt oddly at peace.

It had been a couple of weeks since “The Day” as Max liked to call it, and you felt better and better each day. There would be moments when you felt like a weak bitch and wanted to go crawling back to his door, but you were stronger than that now.

You didn’t need him.

He wasn’t the fuel behind the fire that kept you going; you were.

The hatch to your room flew open and you smiled smelling the pleasant aroma of dinner sitting on your table. You kicked off your shoes and started stripping your clothes off.

“Honey, I’m home,” you said with an air of sarcasm as you walked towards the shower.

“My gods, don’t throw your sweaty clothes all over the floor,” Madison’s voice rang through the room. “Just put them in the fucking basket like I told you last time.”

You chuckled as you turned the water on and stepped in underneath it. The freezing water made your body shiver and you were quickly covered in goosebumps. Closing your eyes, you let the water calm down your heated skin and started reaching for the soaps.

“Hurry up, your food is going to get cold.”

A surprised laugh left you as you quickly scrubbed down your body. You shut the water off and pulled a towel around your cold skin. Grabbing a hair tie, you put your hair up into a messy bun and walked out towards her.

She was sitting cross-legged on the couch and had her dinner sitting in her lap as she lazily looked through a book. Her head tilted to look at you as you walked closer and grabbed your dinner off of the table. You sunk into the couch next to her and immediately started eating.

You swore loudly as the hot food burned your mouth, “Fuck. You said this was getting cold,” you mumbled grumpily as you fanned your burned tongue.

She laughed as she took a bite of hers, “Oh stop, you’re being dramatic.”

You rolled your eyes, “I am not.”

Madison just laughed at you again as she kept reading. You tilted your head to the side trying to see the front cover of the book she was reading. She noticed you staring and looked up at you in surprise.

“What?”

“What are you reading?” you asked trying to read the title upside down.

“It’s a medical book,” she said casually letting the book shut. “It’s about the new technology that we will be getting in soon.”

It was your turn to laugh as you braved another bite of your hot food, “Only you would be doing homework for your job.”

“It’s not homework, I just want to be prepared.”

“Yeah, by doing homework.”

She rolled her eyes and stuffed her mouth with food, “Jerry wanted me to read it. He’s my boss, I’m going to do what he says.”

You just shook your head and didn’t bug her about it anymore. The two of you made small talk about your days as you both finished your dinners. Madison got up from the couch grabbing your empty plates and took them to the sink.

Your sore body sunk into the comfy couch cushions and you shut your eyes. You still only had your towel on, and you started feeling a bit cold. Something soft was thrown at you and you opened your eyes and saw your pjs sitting on your chest. You smiled and stood up to put them on.

She knew you so well.

Madison was walking towards you again from the dresser where she was and picked up the book again before sitting down. She opened it right up and started reading. Stripping down, you put the clothing on and walked over to hang your damp towel up. Now that your body was warm with the clothing on, you felt super sleepy.

“I think I’m going to go to bed,” you said with a deep yawn as you stretched your arms above your head.

“Already?” she asked turning her head around to look at you. “Damn, Jonah is really wearing you out these days.”

“Yeah, I guess he is.”

She raised her eyebrows, “Is he doing any other kind of wearing you out?”

You blushed but shook your head quickly, “No, no. Nothing like that. Him and I are just friends. Nothing is going to happen.”

She didn’t look convinced, “Do you want something to happen?”

“No.”

“Okay, what about with someone else?”

You paused, “What do you mean?”

“Like, what about Zed?” she asked hopefully.

A heavy sigh left you as you walked towards the bed, “No, I don’t think so.”

“Why not?” she asked sitting up on her knees on the couch clearly anxious to talk about it with you. “He’s such a good guy. You deserve a good guy.”

“I don’t need any guy,” you said pulling the covers back and crawling into the bed.

She let out a frustrated sigh, “I know you don’t need anyone. But do you want someone?” You didn’t say anything as you sat there with the covers over your legs looking at her thinking about her words. “It wouldn’t hurt to try and-”

“No, it’s too soon,” you said pulling the covers up higher over your body. “The wounds he left are too fresh and I don’t need some guy to be my band-aid. I need to fix them myself.”

Madison nodded her head slowly sitting back down on the couch, “Okay, fair enough.” She smiled softly, “Alright, get some sleep now you old granny.”

“I’m not an old granny,” you said lying down and nuzzling your head into the pillow.

She just laughed at you as she turned back to reading her book.

It was nice having her here.

Unlike the last time you felt this miserable, you decided to not keep it all bottled up. That’s what you had done when Kori died, and it was not a healthy coping mechanism. So, this time you spoke up. You told Madison and Max what had happened and how much you were struggling with your emotions.

They knew something was going on before since you had been acting weird. Avoiding them both, eating without them, and hiding away in your room was enough to make them know something was up. They both had given you space knowing you would open up when you finally felt ready.

You knew you needed help.

And thankfully you had friends who were willing to do that for you.

Madison had offered to stay with you and help you get back into your routine and just to be there as a friend. Your heart nearly burst when she offered, and you couldn’t say no. Having someone else in your quarters was so nice. And she liked actually having a space to call her own since she’d only ever had a cot while on the Finalizer.

At first, you were slightly nervous being around her and having to let all your walls down. She made it surprisingly easy though. It was insane how close the two of you had gotten so quickly. It was like she just understood you without you having to explain things.

The two of you had gotten close when you had first come to the ship with Kylo, but your time had gotten cut short when you were sent back to Starkiller Base. Now, you had all the time in the galaxy to spend with her and get to know her more.

It was nice.

You fell asleep quickly since you were so exhausted from training earlier. Falling asleep was the easy part; it was staying asleep that you struggled with. Having someone there definitely helped with the nightmares, but you still had them. Almost every night.

You dreamt about your parents, Kori, the base exploding, Damon, and your first mission. You basically dreamt about your entire life. Only the bad parts of it though.

Well, and you also dreamt about him.

Those were the worst ones.

They would make you wake up in a cold sweat shaking and crying. Madison would always be there next to you calming you down enough so that you would fall back asleep. Even with the sleeping medication that Elliot had prescribed, you’d still wake up thinking the nightmares were real. They always felt so real.

That’s how it was tonight. You could see his face so clearly. So vividly. His smooth creamy skin covered with spots that dotted his face and his body. The long scar that stretched across his cheek and down his neck. The faded marks and scars that covered his entire body showing everything that he had gone through.

You could see his dark raven hair that looked so soft. Soft enough for you to reach out and touch it even though it wasn’t real. You could see his large nose and sharp jawline that made his face all the more appealing. His large ears that would poke out of his hair and would make him blush. His deep eyes with their flecks of gold hidden within them.

It was painful. Thinking about him. Dreaming about him.

His face and those features were one thing, but his body and his demeanor were another thing. The way his body was so large and intimidating and yet, you fit perfectly in his arms. The way he commanded the attention and respect in a room and yet, you were able to talk to him like he was your best friend.

You woke up gasping sitting up harshly throwing the sheets off of you. It felt like your skin was on fire. It burned and you tried to breathe and cool yourself down, but it wasn’t working. Madison groggily sat up in bed and reached her hand out towards your back.

This was a routine by now and she knew exactly what to do in the situation. She’d start slow and rub her hand up and down your back trying to get you to calm your breathing. You’d mimic your breaths with her movements breathing deeply in and out. Then she would tug you back into lying down.

Then she’d trail her hand up and down your arm helping you focus on it and not the dreams. Your anxiety was always bad when you woke up from the nightmares and you needed something to distract yourself from it. She’d count out loud in a whisper and you’d focus on her voice and try to soothe yourself.

When you calmed down enough, Madison would pull the covers up over you and would tuck you in. This part never stuck because you were both under the covers, but she did her best to make you feel secure and safe under the sheets.

That’s what she did tonight, and it was working, as usual. You swore she had magical powers and your body allowed itself to get lulled back to sleep. Your eyelids got heavy and eventually, you gave into the soothing feeling and fell asleep.

You woke up to the smell of coffee filling your nostrils. A smile crossed over your lips and you sat up trying to ignore the aching in your body. Jonah had pushed you yesterday and you were now paying the price.

A mug of steaming coffee sat on your bedside table and you took it greedily taking a tentative sip. It was like a warm hug and you hummed to yourself.

The shower was running, and you knew Madison was in there getting ready before work. You slipped out of bed still holding your coffee and walked over to your closet. You set the mug on the top and opened a drawer to pull out your black scrubs.

When Madison first moved into your room, she had been keeping all of her things in the corner of the room. She was determined to not get in your way and kept saying it was all temporary. It was incredibly frustrating. Eventually, you got to the room one night before her and you unpacked all of her things into your dresser and your closet.

You wanted her to feel welcome in your room.

She did so much for you, it felt wrong to make her feel like an unwanted guest.

Taking off your pjs, you slipped on the layers of your uniform. You undid the messy knot of your hair that you put up last night and pulled it into a bun on the top of your head.

Just as you were about to grab your mug to take a sip of coffee, you heard a knock on your door. As you opened your mouth to welcome them in, the hatch flew open revealing Max.

A huge smile crossed your face as he spotted you and ran into the room. The hatch shut loudly behind him and he swept you into a hug. You winced from the soreness you felt but hugged him back all the same.

“Fuck, I’ve missed you,” you said holding your arms tightly around his neck.

“Oh honey, I just saw you yesterday,” he replied with a smile as he set you back down on the ground.

“That was too long to be away from you,” you said back reaching down to hold his hand.

He laughed, “I missed you too, cutie pie,” he said reaching his hand up to pinch your cheek. You slapped his hand away playfully and he laughed again, “You all ready for your shift?”

To make sure that you were spending time with him. Max had started walking you to your shifts on the days that you worked in the medbay. It was a great way to start your morning; getting to see your best friend. He was getting busier during his shifts and didn’t always have time to visit you while you were working. You were also busy in surgeries most of the time, so you couldn’t see him if you wanted to.

You’d grab dinner with him and Madison most nights, but lately, you’d been so tired that she would just bring the two of you dinner to eat in your room.

“Yeah, I’ll just say bye to M real quick,” you said walking over to the shower.

You poked your head into the room and saw Madison’s wet soapy head sticking out of the shower. The book she had been reading last night was propped up on the sink and she was reading it while taking a shower.

And you weren’t surprised in the slightest.

“Can’t pause from your homework to even take a shower?” you asked with a loud chuckle.

She looked up at you sheepishly, “It’s really interesting. I think you’d really like it. It has a lot of really great information about-”

“Madison, I don’t want to read that thing-”

“But you could learn so much-”

You smiled and started backing out and walking towards Max, “I’m going to work. I’ll see you later.”

“We aren’t done with this discussion,” she shouted after you.

You rolled your eyes dramatically and grabbed Max’s hand as you walked towards the hatch. He just shook his head at you as he grabbed your datapad and led you into the hallway. There were a few people walking around, but you ignored everyone giving your full attention to Max as he talked about his job.

His face looked refreshed and happy; not that it didn’t normally look that way. Although recently, he had looked better than he had in a long time. Not wanting to pester him about it, you just smiled and listened to him chatting. The way his whole body moved when he was really into a certain topic was super cute.

It was so nice getting to spend this time with him. Looking back at the mess you had created for yourself recently, you realized that you hadn’t been prioritizing your friendship with him. It made you feel super guilty and you were thankful that he was still friends with you.

“Babe, did you hear what I said?” Max said snapping you out of your thoughts. He had stopped walking and had tugged your hand back to make you pay attention, “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“Nothing, I’m sorry,” you said with an innocent look. “I’m just so happy that you’re happy.”

He gave you a big smile, “I am happy. Really happy.”

“Any certain reason?” you asked pretending that you knew nothing.

He let out a low chuckle and kept walking down the hallway, “I think you know the answer to that.”

You ran your thumb over his reassuringly, “Do, um, do you want to talk about it?”

Max hesitated and kept his focus forward, “I want to, but-”

“I know.”

He still looked ahead but his facial expression changed into a shocked one, “How did you-”

A soft smile fell over your face, “You two aren’t very good at hiding it.”

It had been a bit obvious for a while now what was going on. After all, you were the one who had introduced them. Then there was the time that you had seen him in his office...

“He doesn’t want anyone to know,” Max said looking at you now with a worried look. “He works with so many guys and he doesn’t want-”

You squeezed his hand, “I wouldn’t ever say anything. I respect his decision.”

He let out a large sigh of relief, “Thank you.”

“Of course. Are you okay with it though?” you asked slowly trying not to make him upset. “Okay with keeping it a secret?”

He shrugged his shoulders as the two of you rounded the last corner before making it into the medbay, “I am for now. He makes me happy. I don’t want to push him.”

Grabbing the door, you pushed it open and walked into the quiet bay with Max in tow. He stopped talking once you were both in the back and the other medics were walking around.

Elliot walked out of a room looking exhausted even though his shift had just started. Even though he had dark undereye bags, he looked oddly refreshed and happy. He looked at the two of you and his eyes instantly went to Max.

Well, okay that made everything painfully clear now.

Sometimes you were stupid and made dumb decisions, but you weren’t blind.

It was so obvious that something going on with him and your best friend. He was still uncomfortable though, so you didn’t want to embarrass him or make him feel weird about anything. Especially not at work.

His eyes fell to you and he looked panicked, but you just smiled at him and nodded your head slowly. He seemed to understand and sighed in relief.

“I’ll see you later?” you asked looking up at Max.

He tore his eyes away from looking at Elliot to look down at you, he smiled widely before saying, “Of course, love you.”

“I love you too,” you said giving him a hug.

He handed you your datapad and you left the two of them in the hallway as you walked towards the prep room. You knew you’d be doing surgeries today and you were pumped.

The day flew by surprisingly fast and you found yourself extremely excited to start your training tomorrow. You liked spending time with Jonah, and he made you feel strong and empowered. He was a damn good teacher and you were genuinely ready to keep learning.

Especially now that you could learn how to block him out.

You’d been thinking about it for a while. Learning how to block him out.

That was how he always managed to make his way back into your head even after you tried to push him out. He had access to the book that was your mind, and he was constantly flipping through the pages carelessly not considering asking if you wanted to share or not. Those pages of yours were private and you didn’t like not having control over them.

The more you thought about it, the more frustrated you got.

All day you were feeling paranoid and you were constantly looking over your shoulder. You just couldn’t shake the feeling that he could be anywhere at any time prying into your thoughts. It made you feel scared and alone.

No one else would understand what you were feeling.

No one else had this fear.

You knew what he was capable of.

After your shift, you waved a quick goodbye to Elliot and you stormed down the hallway. Your feet knew where they were taking you before your head knew.

You knocked on the door harshly waiting impatiently for an answer.

Tapping your foot, you started pacing anxiously in front of it waiting. There was still no answer. Why was he making you wait?

The hatch flew open and he stood there shirtless staring at you in disbelief.

“What are you doing here?” he asked slowly looking at you in your scrubs. “I’m not supposed to see you-”

You cut him off, “Until tomorrow, I know,” you said walking into his quarters. “But I don’t like walking around knowing that my mind can be looked into at any moment. Can you please show me how to properly shut it-”

Jonah let out a frustrated sigh and crossed his arms over his chest, “I already told you, I don’t know how to do it. Force users are the only ones who truly know-”

The anxiety you had been feeling from earlier was crashing down on you making you feel out of control. You tried to slow down your breathing but were having little success. He seemed to notice this and walked over to you placing a hand tentatively on your arm.

“Are you okay? What’s going on?”

“I can’t, I need to be able to…” you didn’t know what to say.

Everything felt like so much at once. These weeks without him were catching up to you. This fake façade you had been putting on acting like you were fine wasn’t cutting it anymore.

Your whole body was shaking now, and Jonah grabbed your arm more firmly pulling you to the ground. You followed his lead and curled up into a ball once your body hit the ground. He knelt beside your shaking body.

“Tell me what’s happening,” he said calmly. “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s going on.”

Everything felt like it was spinning. There was too much going on and you didn’t know how to feel. You needed Max. Or Madison. Someone. Anyone.

You needed to be rid of this pain.

“I don’t know what’s happening,” you said shakily.

“You’re having an anxiety attack,” Jonah said still holding onto your arm. “Have you had one before?”

You nodded, “Yes, but it hasn’t felt like this before.”

“Can you name 5 things that you can see?” Blinking, you looked at him hesitantly not sure what he was getting at. “Just try it,” he said slowly.

Inhaling deeply, you looked around the room you were in trying to spot something, “I see a book.”

Jonah nodded again loosening his grip on you but still holding you gently, “Good, what else.”

You gulped moving your head slightly, “I see a glass of water. Um, a pillow. A lamp. And a blanket.”

“Good, okay. What are 4 things you can feel?”

You breathed in deeply, “I can feel the ground. It’s cold.” He chuckled and nodded his head allowing you to keep going. “I can feel my scrubs on my body. I can feel your hand touching me. And I can feel my heart beating.”

“I’m glad it’s beating,” he said with a low chuckle. “What are 3 things you can hear?”

His grip was very loose now, and you could feel yourself focusing on the sounds around you which calmed your breathing down. “I can hear myself breathing. I can hear the fan you have in the room.”

“And?”

“And I can hear your voice.”

“What are 2 things you can smell?” he asked quietly.

You paused, “I can smell my body wash and my dirty scrubs.”

“And one thing you can taste?”

You let out a laugh, “Um, my spit.”

Jonah smiled at you and gently pulled your body up into a sitting position, “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” you said slowly adjusting to being upright. “Thank you, Jonah. How did you know how to do that?”

“Years of practice,” he replied sitting down fully next to you. “I think you should try and get some rest. We can practice meditation tomorrow.”

“But what if-”

“He can’t hurt you,” he said softly. “Is that what you’re worried about?”

You could feel tears pooling in your eyes and you forced them away, “I don’t want to feel like this anymore. So out of control. I don’t know what to do.”

“You are much stronger than you think,” he said offering you a hand to help you stand up. “We will work on it. I promise.”

You nodded your head, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Now, go to your room and get some sleep.”

He pulled you in for a quick hug before making you leave his room. You felt utterly exhausted and slowly walked through the quiet hallways to reach your room. You knew Madison would be worried about where you were, and you cursed yourself for not letting her know.

Your mind was racing still, but you felt calmer after the senses thing that Jonah had tried with you. It was oddly effective even if it felt a little weird.

Rounding a corner, you saw a familiar presence making you freeze in your place.

You really weren’t in the mood for this right now.

Fuck.

They paused before saying slowly, “Can we talk?”


	31. Not Worth Your Time

Each second, of every hour, of every day, of every week, had felt like hell without you.

It sounded quite dramatic when Kylo thought about it like that. Pathetic even. If someone would have told him a year ago that he would be feeling like this about someone, he probably would have sliced their head off. Probably would have enjoyed doing it too.

And look at where he was now.

Fuck, it made him sound whipped. Completely wrapped around your finger. Intoxicated off of you like you were a drug that he couldn’t resist.

He was addicted; as much as he didn’t want to admit it.

It had been over a month. A month since he held you in his arms. A month since he left you lying in your bed to walk down those never-ending hallways. A month since Snoke had forced him to do the last thing he had ever wanted to do. A month since absolutely everything had changed.

Changed for the worse.

When he blinked his eyes open that morning, he knew something was off. He could feel it. The energy that was radiating all the way from the throne room was suffocating. It was cold and unforgiving. Made him feel like he was drowning. It was so intense he was sure you could probably sense it.

He knew that what he would be walking into wouldn’t be pleasant; not at all. But he didn’t have a choice. He couldn’t avoid what was to come as much as it terrified him.

Holding your sleeping body close to his, he tried to absorb your scent. Soak in the feeling of being close to you. Relish in the comfort that you brought him.

Why hadn’t he said anything to you? Said anything about what was going on. Warned you.

Well, that would have made too much damn sense. 

At the time, it seemed like a better idea to not tell you anything. Keep you in the dark. Keep his secrets from you. Keep you from worrying about it all. Keep you from getting involved and getting hurt.

Maybe if he had said something, things wouldn’t be like they were now.

Maybe you’d still be his.

Maybe he wouldn’t feel this gut-wrenching feeling.

The feeling of hopelessness.

His brief goodbye to you that morning was seared into his memory. Kylo would have given anything and everything to go back and change things. Change how things had happened.

Instead, he had put on a fake happy face and left you there. Left you to walk through those dark shiny hallways that seemed to be sucking him directly towards the coldness. It was radiating through his entire body making him tremble.

Just like the last time he had a meeting like this; he was incredibly nervous. He had never given Snoke a reason to punish him before. At least, not willingly. Had he gotten verbally and physically abused by his Master in the past? Yes.

But this was different. You were different. This entire situation he was in was different.

He had willingly gone against Snoke’s orders to cut off his ties with you and he now had to pay the price of doing that.

He should have never gotten involved with you. Should have never even given you the time of day when he walked into that medbay. Should have never ever let things get this far.

He knew it was risky from the start.

And yet, he had given in. He had given in to the temptation. He had been willing to risk it all to be with you.

Kylo had never had the desire to have this type of connection with anyone before. Yeah, he had fucked girls before, but he had never made an effort with any of them. With you though, he knew from the beginning that it wouldn’t just be something that was quickly over. 

You were unlike anyone he had ever been with before.

In all of his training over the years, both as a Jedi and now under Snoke, he had learned to not have attachments. It was drilled into his mind to cut off all ties of emotion and feelings that wouldn’t benefit his progress. He was determined to succeed and not become a failure like those that came before him.

He had to be better than them. He had to prove himself.

The throne room had felt like a freezer. Walking into it felt like he had been dropped into straight ice and it was already making his head hurt.

Kneeling immediately once he was inside, he took off his helmet knowing Snoke would want to see his face. Staying close to the ground, he looked up to meet the ugly eyes of his Master.

The anger was palpable. But he wasn’t just angry. No, he was much worse than that. Kylo didn’t even know how to describe the feeling that was emanating off of Snoke.

“Young Ren,” he said lowly as he tilted his head to the side.

With a bow, he replied, “Master Snoke.”

Without hesitation, he got right into it by snarling wickedly, “Your little distraction has become too much. I ordered you to end that retched attachment. Care to explain what happened?”

Taking a calming breath while keeping his thoughts blank, he spoke slowly, “It won’t happen again.”

“That’s what you said last time, boy,” he spat back making Kylo want to flinch away. “You are pathetic and weak.”

“I am strong from your teaching and guidance, Master.”

“You lie,” Snoke growled back. “You are letting this interfere with your training.”

Taking a gulp of air, Kylo said, “I have kept up with my trainings and-”

“You are being called to the light. I know you have sensed it,” he said in a cold tone. “I have sensed the conflict within you. This girl, this worthless girl, has made you soft.”

Kylo hung his head not knowing how to respond. Especially when Snoke was right.

“Was my threat to eliminate her not enough? I won’t hesitate to-”

“That won’t be necessary,” Kylo replied quickly.

There was a tense pause, “Don’t interrupt me, boy.”

Holding his wrinkled gray hand upwards, Kylo’s body quickly flew upwards and into the air. He was too caught off guard to know what was going on as he hovered above the ground completely frozen. It felt like small shards of metal were digging into his skin. The pain rang throughout his body, but he was determined to not show it.

Snoke’s face was screwed up in a wicked smile as he watched Kylo hang there helplessly as he was crushed by the Force. He was sitting on the throne looking completely relaxed and not remotely affected by what was happening before him.

Kylo’s body hung in the air getting tortured until he eventually began gasping for air practially begging to be set free of the tight hold.

Taking it as a sign of giving up, a low cackle left Snoke’s mouth. It seemed enough to satisfy him, for now, and he released the intense hold he had. A sickening loud smack rang throughout the room as the Commander’s body hit the ground.

Scrambling up to his knees, he bowed his head once again to Snoke.

He couldn’t show any weaknesses; even if his entire body was screaming at him in agony.

“End it now,” Snoke said as he leaned back in his seat. “Or I’ll make you end her life.”

Kylo nodded, “Yes, Master.”

Lifting his sagging hand up again, he waved it in front of him as if casting a spell on his apprentice. Standing up, Kylo slipped his helmet on and nodded to his Master before walking out towards the hallways again.

It had been a short meeting, but it was long enough to leave an impact.

His feet took him where he needed to go before his mind even knew what was going on. It felt like he was in a daze. In a dream.

They took him to the Control Center where he started barking off orders inside scaring everyone shitless. Hux took one look at Kylo, rolled his eyes, and went straight into his office not willing to argue.

Kylo spent hours in there looking over plans. Figuring out what the next move was. The scavenger girl was still training on some remote unknown planet with his Uncle. But they had managed to track down the Resistance ships. Luckily, their measly ships were running out of fuel, and quickly. Meaning they would soon fall into the hands of Snoke.

There was a constant nagging feeling in the back of Kylo’s head telling him he needed to go talk to you. He wouldn’t be able to sleep without doing it. Without doing what he was ordered to do.

It was like an itch he couldn’t scratch, but he was avoiding it at all costs knowing it would only bring destruction.

Finally, he caved and allowed the familiar daze to take over his body and lead him to your room. The hatch flew open and he saw your small figure still lying on the bed. So small. So delicate.

It felt like his body was already breaking in two. He sat on the edge of the bed staring at you. Wishing he could reach out and touch you.

The daze fully settled over as you began to wake up. What happened next, Kylo wasn’t quite sure, but he knew it was bad.

There was yelling. From the both of you. Harsh noises rang throughout the air.

Before he knew what was going on, his body was in the hallway and walking towards his room. He couldn’t see or think clearly until he was safely locked away in his room.

In there, he let his emotions take over. Everything that had just happened washed over him. The hurt. The betrayal. The heartbreak.

It already hurt too much.

Taking out his saber, he did was he did best, and destroyed everything in his room.

The days following were miserable. It was for the best. Kylo knew you were safer now. Away from harm. Away from him.

Didn’t mean the hurt he felt from within him went away.

He had nightmares every night. Every night like clockwork. And he had no one there to comfort him. The only thing that brought him comfort was seeing you.

He would stand outside the training room as you trained. Watching you improve. Watching you heal and get better; both mentally and physically. He’d watch you perform surgery after surgery and gain confidence in the medbay. Gain respect for yourself.

It brought him a sense of peace, even if he was still hurting. It felt a little less painful knowing you were okay.

Well, sort of okay.

Each day was easier and yet they were incredibly difficult at the same time. Knowing you weren’t his anymore. Knowing he had hurt you. Knowing he had caused you all of this pain.

But he needed to talk to you. He wanted to see your face up close.

So, when he finally got the chance to, he took it.

\---

“Shut the fuck up, he said what?”

You closed your eyes taking another deep breath in trying to calm your nerves. Opening your eyes again, you stared at Madison and bit your lip anxiously.

“He was acting super weird. I don’t know what happened to make him act like that-”

Madison scrunched her eyebrows together in thought, “Are you sure we are talking about the same guy?”

A chuckle left you as you nodded, “Yeah, I’m sure. I haven’t seen him in a while, so maybe that’s why he’s changed.”

After your unexpected panic attack, you had felt relatively calm. Jonah had somehow known exactly what to say and do to bring you down from that edge. It felt extremely reassuring knowing that you could trust him.

Well, sort of.

You weren’t about to go and blab about all of your secrets to him just because he knows how to calm you down. It didn’t make the two of you friends.

With all of the shit you had gone through, you didn’t really feel like you could trust anyone. Anyone except for Madison and Max. And maybe Doc.

Especially since Kylo had decided to take your heart straight out of your chest and stomp on it.

Once you had left Jonah’s, you had walked through the hallways determined to get straight to Madison and tell her about what had happened. Instead, you had run into someone you definitely didn’t want to see.

“Okay, okay, okay. Start over, I’m very confused with what is going on,” Madison said holding her hands up in front of her face making you slow down your rambling. “So, you went to go see Jonah, and-”

“Just to talk with him.”

Her eyebrows arched in suspicion, “Why don’t I believe you?”

You whined in frustration, “I’m telling you; nothing is going on with Jonah. He’s like 15 years older than me. He’s more like an older brother to me.”

“Age is just a number.”

Your eyes rolled, “Do you want to know what happened? Or are you going to keep interrupting me?”

Madison shook her head, “No, sorry. Keep going.”

“Okay, so I had a panic attack when I was talking to Jonah and he calmed me down. And then when I was leaving-”

“How did he calm you down?”

“Madison, I swear to the gods-”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she said quickly. “Keep going.”

You adjusted your crossed legs on the couch before saying, “When I was leaving, I turned around the corner and that’s when I saw him. He was just standing there, almost like he was waiting for me.”

“What did he say?” she asked scooting closer to you.

“He just asked if we could talk.”

“That’s it? You haven’t seen him in-”

You held up a hand, “I know. But I felt bad. I did completely ditch him that one night. And then I sent him straight to the friendzone.”

“You shouldn’t feel guilty for that,” Madison replied grabbing your hand and squeezing it reassuringly. “He’s is a good guy, but he’s just not the one for you.”

Your mouth hung open in shock, “You’re the one who is always trying to set me up with him again.”

“I just want you to be happy. I thought maybe he would help you be happy,” she said with a slight shrug. “I wasn’t trying to pressure you.”

“It’s okay,” you said with a small smile. “Well, anyways. Zed asked me if we could talk, and I just sort of nodded because I didn’t know what to say. I also wasn’t really in the mood to talk to him, with everything that had just happened, but again, I felt bad.”

This made Madison roll her eyes at you but let you keep talking. You sighed and looked around the room quickly. It was dimly lit and your empty plates from dinner sat on the table next to the couch you were sitting on. Your hair was still damp from the shower you had taken after walking back to your room.

“He asked if we could hang out again. Like one on one.”

She nodded slowly, “And?”

“I felt guilty…”

“So, you said yes?” she asked hesitantly. “Why would you do that if you don’t like him?”

“I told him I’d think about it. I feel like he still has feelings for me. But I’m not in the right headspace for anything to start,” you said running your hands along the seam of the pillow you were holding in your lap. “I don’t want to lead him on.”

Madison paused and looked at you wearily before saying quietly, “Because you still have feelings for Commander Ren, right?”

Hearing his name felt like getting stabbed in the chest.

Of course, you still had feelings for him, how could you not?

“Yes,” you said softly staring down at your fidgeting hands. “I don’t know if I’ll ever not have feelings for him.”

“Time can heal many wounds,” Madison replied moving even closer to you. She wrapped an arm around your shoulders and pulled you in towards her, “You should take all the time you need.”

You gave her a soft smile and suggested heading to bed soon. After the day you had, you were definitely ready to get some sleep.

The next days to follow were pretty much the same. You avoided thinking about Zed and his request to hang out with you.

As nice and cute as he was, you weren't ready for anything. 

In the moment when he asked you, guilt had taken over and you hadn’t said yes, but you also hadn’t said no. It was eating you up on the inside because you knew you really didn’t want to see him. You were too focused on yourself right now.

You wanted to try and love yourself for who you were before diving back into something that would make you question your self-worth again.

Because fuck boys. Fuck them and their whiny indecisiveness.

They were not worth your time or energy.

Another week passed by and you were getting antsy being stuck on the Finalizer. You were itching to go on another mission, but you still had your damn cast on. After you had made the dumb mistake to not wear it on your last mission, Elliot had to refit you with a new one since you fucked it up again.

Finally, he was letting you take it off. Although he hadn’t said anything specifically about it, you knew he hadn’t recommended for you to go on any missions until you were fully healed. 

Once you got it off for good, you felt like a brand-new person. It felt so freeing.

Your training with Jonah had only gotten more intense now that you had complete range of motion of your body. He was pushing you beyond your limits, but you were definitely improving. 

You were fully trained on each and every weapon that was available to you and it made you feel like a badass. If someone would have told you a year ago that you would be fully trained to assassinate someone, you would have laughed in their face.

And look at where you were now.

The training sessions always ended with Jonah helping you with meditation techniques and helping you clear your mind. It was much more difficult than you had thought it would be. But you pushed through in hopes that you’d be able to use it if you saw him.

Captain Phasma had requested you to begin training with the other medic troopers and with the entire squadron. That was a big adjustment. Working and learning from Jonah was one thing but being in a huge group was another.

It didn’t help that the group was mostly men.

Ew.

You tried not to feel intimidated by them because you knew you were well qualified to be there. But it was still difficult.

You woke up one morning to a notification on your datapad notifying you about a briefing for an upcoming mission. Excitement coursed through your body as you quickly scanned over it.

The mission would consist of three shuttles transporting troopers. You’d be spending the entirety of the day training with them and making sure everyone was prepared before the departure tonight.

Squealing, you ran to your dresser to grab clothing for training. You slipped them on just as Madison was walking out from taking a shower. She had a towel wrapped around her body and one wrapped up in her hair.

“You look excited,” she said as she made her way towards her clothing. “What’s up with you?”

“I’m going on a mission tonight!” you practically yelled as you adjusted your clothing.

“Tonight?”

You nodded as you pulled your hair up and out of your face, “Yeah. We’re taking three shuttles. I’m so fucking ready to be off of this damn ship.”

She gave you a sad smile as she started pulling on her scrubs.

“Oh, I didn’t mean it like that…” you said softly giving her a look of pity.

“It’s okay, I know you didn’t,” she said with a smile as she undid her wet hair from its confinements. “I’ve been here so long; I don’t even remember what it’s like to not be here.”

You frowned, “Doesn’t that make you sad?”

She shrugged as she moved to throw her wet towel in the bin, “It’s all I’ve known while working for the First Order. I’m safe here, so I can’t really complain.”

“Madison-” you started saying before she cut you off.

“It’s okay, really. I’m happy for you,” she said with a big smile. “Now get moving, otherwise you’re going to be late.”

“Okay, I’ll see you later.”

She nodded as you pulled on your shoes and left to go into the hallway. There were people moving around already and you walked quickly to get to the training rooms. You hadn’t been in one of the bigger rooms in a while since most of the training with your squadron had been in smaller groups.

Pushing open the doors, you were already taken aback by all of the people in there. Looking around nervously, you spotted some of the other trooper medics and you made your way over to them. Giving them a bright smile, you hoped you could train with them. 

They all stared at you before getting back to their trainings and completely ignoring you. Rolling your eyes, you walked over to a table with blasters on it trying to not get butthurt over their actions.

The room was incredibly loud with all of the fighting, talking, and weapons going off. Picking up a blaster, you walked over to the line of targets. A long stripe along the floor was filled with troopers practicing with their blasters shooting at their own targets.

Most of them weren’t very good at aiming for the center.

What the hell were they shooting at then?

The gave you a bit of an ego boost as you relaxed your shoulders and held the blaster up remembering your form. You could feel eyes on you from surrounding troopers. They were probably wondering what the hell you were doing.

Everyone around you had now stopped what they were doing to watch.

What was so fascinating about you that they had to stop what they were doing?

You could feel a slight blush creeping up on your cheeks and you tried to ignore their wandering eyes. Taking a deep breath in, you gripped the blaster tightly and pointed it directly towards the center of the target.

Jonah’s words echoed through your head about staying calm and relaxed. Words about the weapon being an extension of your body and using that to your advantage.

Pulling the trigger, the blaster shot, and you watched as it landed towards the center of the target.

Okay, not your best. But not the worst.

You could hear a few snickers from those around you, but you chose to ignore them.

Taking another breath in, you aimed and fired again. This time the blast was even closer to the center. Confidence soaring, you did it again over and over until each shot was directly in the center of the target.

Feeling satisfied, you walked away from the targets to find a new weapon to train with.

Eyes followed you no matter where you went, but you simply ignored them and got to work.

By the end of the day, you were exhausted. Phasma had come in to let everyone know that you’d need to eat and dress quickly since the mission would be leaving sooner than planned.

You groaned since you were hoping to take a nap before leaving. Oh well.

Running back to your room, you took the quickest shower you could manage and got suited up in your trooper uniform. Madison practically forced you to eat even though you were feeling nervous and really didn’t want to eat.

Shoveling the food in, you quickly said your goodbyes and headed to the medbay. Walking in, you moved straight towards your supply bag and picked it up in a hurry not wanting to be late.

“Babes?”

You turned around quickly and saw Max sitting there with his legs crossed as Elliot typed away at his desk.

“Max,” you said in a relieved breath.

You hadn’t seen him in a bit with how busy you had been. To be fair, he also had his hands full. Literally.

He got up and moved towards you to give you a hug, “You’re leaving now? I heard it wasn’t until later.”

“It got moved up,” you said hugging him back. “I need to leave soon.”

“Woah,” he said with a chuckle. “Your voice sounds so different with the helmet on.”

You laughed, “Yeah, that’s like the whole point.”

“Alright sassy lady, get moving. I’ll see you soon.”

“Bye, love you.”

He smiled even bigger, “Love you more.”

You waved quickly as you started running down the hallway holding your supply bag tightly in your gloved hand.

The bay was filled with troopers. Swarms of them. This mission must be super important then. You had read the briefing but didn’t think it was that big of a deal.

Clearly you hadn’t read the entire thing and everyone who would be on the mission. Because there, standing with Captain Phasma and General Hux, was the man you had been avoiding.

You inhaled sharply and gripped your supplies bag tighter as you walked towards the huddles of white uniforms. Even with your helmet, you just knew he could sense you were near.

Seeing him standing there, in his full uniform and helmet, had caught you so off guard that you didn’t have time to go through your breathing exercises that Jonah had taught you.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

That meant he could still read your mind. And you really wished you could block him off from doing that. 

Your feet took you towards the outskirts of the group and you stood there awkwardly waiting for instruction. The shuttles should be leaving soon, you just needed to avoid him until then.

Trying to settle your breathing, you rolled your shoulders back in an attempt to relax your body. The stormtroopers around you had started moving towards the three docked shuttles further into the bay. You weren’t prepared for their shift in movement and almost lost your footing trying to keep up with the crowd.

Without realizing it, you bumped into a solid statue in front of you. Quickly looking up to apologize, you saw the blackness and stayed silent.

Well, so much for avoiding him.

You swallowed your pride and looked at him with a tight nod, “Ren.”

He seemed taken aback at you saying anything, and simply nodded back, “Red.”

Your heart instantly fluttered at him saying your nickname, but you pushed the feeling down quickly and looked away from him. 

Blank thoughts, blank thoughts. Clear your mind. Breathe in, breathe out.

Don’t let him break you.

Kylo seemed to stiffen but you didn’t turn to look at him. This was good right? This means you blocked him out, right? There was no way for you to know for sure without asking him. Which you definitely wouldn’t be doing.

There were yells surrounding you ordering you to begin boarding the ship. You looked towards Phasma listening in closely for which shuttle you would be going on all while keeping your mind empty.

Damn, this was difficult.

“Medics, shuttle 3,” you heard her loud mechanic voice yell into the air.

You nodded towards the voice and followed the other troopers in the medical uniforms towards your assigned shuttle. Marching in place with those surrounding, you filed on and took your place. Standing tall, you looked directly ahead and avoided looking for Kylo.

Okay, that was a lie.

Glancing around without moving your head, you scanned the bay to see if he had gotten on a shuttle yet. Just as you did, you saw a swarm of black fabric begin to walk up the ramp.

You groaned seeing him start to approach you. Nerves were bubbling over and you fought hard to ignore the pit in your stomach as you kept your mind clear. He stalked past you and went towards the back to stand next to the other Generals. A short pause of relief flooded over you now that you couldn’t see him.

Even without seeing his face, it was painful to be near him. It had been over 6 weeks now, but it hurt like he had just left you yesterday.

Probably because you hadn’t gotten any closure.

The shuttle began to rumble to life as and you tried hard to stay still. Closing your eyes, you tried to ignore everything you were thinking of and focus on the mission at hand.

Fuck. 

Now you couldn’t even remember what was supposed to happen on this mission.

The entire time it took for the shuttle to travel through the galaxy, you were wracking your brain trying to remember what the hell your job was. Maybe you could just follow the people around you, and you’d be fine? Yeah sure, let’s go with that.

Looking out of the small window nearby, you saw swirls of bright colors as the shuttle started to descend. Taking deep breaths, you reached down and grabbed your supply bag as the ship began to shake as it docked on the ground.

The ramp started to lower, and troopers started filing out. You followed their lead and were quickly on the ground looking around you. Before you even had time to adjust to the brightness of your surroundings, you felt a yank on your arm.

Whipping your head around, you saw Kylo standing behind you gripping on to you.

Troopers continued moving out of the shuttle and they simply walked around the two of you standing there.

“Let go of me,” you snarled at him trying to release his grip on you.

“No.”

“Stop this. I need to go.”

His grip slightly loosened, “Stay with me.”

Uh, what.

“No.”

“That wasn’t a suggestion, it was an order.”

You rolled your eyes even though he couldn’t see you, “What the fuck does that even mean?”

“Stay by my side.”

“What?” you asked in bewilderment.

“Stay by me for this mission.”

You scoffed in disgust. That was the last thing you wanted to do.

How dare he waltz in here and act like everything between the two of you was fine? Your heart was telling you to give in. Give in and forgive him. But your mind knew better and it was saying to stay the hell away from him.

Growling at him, you spat, “And why the hell would I do that?”

“So that I can keep you safe.”

“I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone,” you hissed trying to free yourself. “Leave me the fuck alone.”

He pulled your body towards him and you gasped at his urgency. You could hear his staggered breathing from his helmet as he held you close to him.

No one else around you seemed to be paying any attention to what was happening. You tried to pull yourself free again but had no luck.

“Kylo, let me go.”

“No.”

“Why are you being like this?” you asked him with a whine.

“Because I can’t lose you again.”

Before you had the chance to react to his words, a thundering explosion went off near the two of you sending you flying through the air.


	32. Only Going to Make it Worse

Fuck; the hard ground is not a fun surface to land on.

Having this bulky armor on helped break some of the fall, but it sure wasn’t pleasant. Being shot through the air and thrown onto solid rock was not the greatest way to start out this mission. Your whole body felt like it was hot, almost like it was burning, from whatever had knocked you down. Maybe it was an actual fire? Some type of bomb? Obviously, it had been some kind of hot explosion. Attempting to move, you tried tilting your head and reaching your arms up only to realize that you were fully covered in debris and fallen rock. Like completely covered.

Great.

Maybe you were in too much in shock to realize all of the weight that was pressed down on you. Only your head was poked out of the rubble on top of you. You let your head fall back and a low groan of pain and frustration left you. How long were you going to be stuck like this? The slits from your helmet didn’t allow you to see much. What you could see was cloudy and there was so much noise surrounding you that your brain couldn’t comprehend it all.

What had even happened? One second you were yelling at Kylo, and the next you were lying on the ground stuck under piles of material. Had someone purposely aimed at the two of you to try and take you out? It was possible.

Taking a deep breath, you tried to focus your vision and see what the hell was happening around you. There were blurs of white uniforms running around you. Oh, and there was fire. How were there so many flames already? Whoever was firing at you must really hate the First Order if they were already making this big of a deal with things.

You wondered if Kylo had also been blown away when the explosion near the two of you hit. He had been standing right next to you after all, well he was holding your arm, so he must have also been impacted.

But he had all those magical powers of the Force, so he was probably okay.

Right?

Oh gods, what if he was hurt?

No, no, no. It doesn’t matter. You’re better off without him. He hurt you. Physically and emotionally. So badly. You deserved more than what he was willing to offer you. He left you.

But. still…

Wiggling your fingers and toes, you sighed in relief knowing you still had function of them. Starting with your lower body, you did the same moving each part of your legs making sure they all responded. Doing this same process to your whole body, you felt much better about being stuck under all this heavy rock.

As good as you can feel when you're totally trapped.

Knowing your body was okay, adrenaline started coursing through you. Determination to get the fuck up and moving was the only thing pushing you right now. If you stayed in this position any longer, you could very easily be crushed by everything.

Screams and blasts shot through the air making your senses on edge. They were so loud that you knew yelling out for help wouldn’t be useful. Your voice would get lost. No one would hear you.

How could you get out of this though? You were kinda out of luck.

It’s not like you had some super-human strength that could get you out of this situation.

Wait-

Closing your eyes, you cleared your mind and then thought ‘help’. Over and over again. Desperate that you’d be heard. Desperate to be set free.

‘Help.’

It felt like you had been doing it for ages, when in reality it was maybe only for 10 minutes, but you were getting more and more nervous that you were going to get crushed alive.

That would not be a pleasant way to go.

The chaos and insanity surrounding you were too focused on the battle to even notice you lying there. You must be pretty well hidden, or the bright white helmet was not doing its job. Usually, it was pretty easy to spot a trooper uniform; especially in an environment like this.

Or maybe everyone passing by assumed that you were already dead.

Wonderful.

Examining your surroundings, you could make out that you had been blown up against some type of building. It was more like a decaying structure at this point. It must have gotten destroyed before your body smacked into it. The gray of the building stuck out from the dark rock that surrounded it.

You could see people running around everywhere. The shuttles you had come in on were still in their same positions as when you had landed in them. Most of the fighting was happening a bit away from you. That must be why no one was coming to help you.

The ground beneath you rumbled and the rock nearby you began to shake. Well, shit. You were so close to this building that if it shook enough you could easily be crushed. Large pieces of stone and debris started tumbling down around you making you breathe faster in a panic. The last thing you needed right now was to hyperventilate, but you were so scared that it might happen.

That you could get crushed alive.

You couldn’t move your body or your head even if you wanted to. Your entire body was covered in the heavy material that was being blown around you. You couldn’t see anything anymore.

Holy shit you were going to die right here. Right here on this random planet by rock and debris.

Starting to feel extremely claustrophobic, you tried doing your deep breathing that Jonah had helped you with. But fuck it wasn’t working.

What had he said about focusing your thoughts? You couldn’t remember. Everything was spiraling so quickly in your head that you couldn’t stop.

Okay, okay. Maybe think of happy memories?

Right, um. How about your 10th birthday? Yeah. That day was fun. Kori had helped you make your own birthday cake. Your parents clearly didn’t care that it was a special day for you, but she tried sure tried.

Kori had ended up making way too much frosting for your cake and the two of you had eaten all of the leftovers. It was so sweet that it gave you both a wicked bellyache, but the two of you had laughed so hard that you didn’t care. Over the next week, the two of you would eat the rest of that cake together each night. You'd fantasize about living in a world where the two of you had parents that cared about you. 

Okay, maybe not the happiest memory. But thinking of those younger years with Kori always made you feel at peace.

You clamped your eyes shut trying to remember how sweet that cake had been. It had been one of your last good memories before your parents had decided to leave you alone with your sister for good.

That birthday had literally been the icing on the cake to your childhood. The last good thing you could really cling to. 

Thinking about it all now just made you want to cry. You missed Kori more and more every day. She was a pain in your ass, and was most definitely a bitch a lot of the time, but she was the only family that you had left. She had cared about you even if she didn’t know how to show it.

There was so much you wished you could tell her. She would be so proud of you getting promoted and working hard, even if she didn’t know how to express it to you. Yeah, your parents had definitely screwed the two of you up giving you lots of trauma and issues. And you knew that Kori took the brunt of it because she was older and wanted to protect you.

You had to get out of this mess for her. She died doing what she loved doing. And as much as you loved this new job, this is not how you wanted to go.

You had so much more living to do.

You wanted to see Max and hear his laugh again. Wanted to see Madison and feel her warm hugs again. Wanted to see Doc and see his kind smile. Wanted to see Elliot and listen to all of his wisdom. Wanted to see Jonah and learn from his experiences. Wanted to see…

‘Help. Please.’

What if you weren’t heard?

What if all of this was for nothing?

Nowhere in your training had you been prepared for this. It was sort of expected that if you got shot down, that you were a goner. Unless you got help from the medics.

Fuck. Right. Your job.

Now you weren’t even doing what you were supposed to be doing while on this mission. Dammit. Attempting to lift your head up, a bolt of pain shot through your body. Yeah, you were stuck. Like, really stuck.

The weight of everything was literally crashing down on you making you spiral. What if they left you here? What if you didn’t get crushed but actually just died from being stuck here forever?

Tears of frustration, panic, and fear ran down your cheeks. The noises around you were so loud that you couldn’t even hear the sobs that were wracking through your body.

No one else could hear you either.

The ground rumbled again causing more rock to tumble down from the building and it landed on top of you making a piercing scream leave your body. You were so scared and you were desperate at this point. 

‘Kylo.’

The structure started to sway, and you knew it was going to topple down at any moment. This was your last chance. Last chance to get away from it. Last chance of making it out alive. Your heart was beating so fast that you weren’t sure how your body hadn’t gone into cardiac arrest. 

Screwing your eyes shut, you tried to ignore everything around you. Your breathing needed to slow down if you were going to make it out of this. You needed to focus your thoughts.

Okay, white blank room. Lightness. Feathers. Soft. Everything would be okay. You were okay. Calm. Serene. Safe. Everything would be okay. You were okay.

Your body was light. It was weightless. It was free.

Shit, no, seriously- it was free.

Your eyes opened up in shock and you could see your bight uniform stand out from the ground it was lying on. The rock that had been crushing you was levitating over you and it moved to the side before it crashed down to the ground.

Someone said your name.

Blinking rapidly, your eyes focused on a leather glove that was extended in front of you. Without thinking, you grabbed the hand and it pulled you up harshly.

You were in shock. How? What?

Large strong arms pulled you into a tight hold and you let yourself be held.

A harsh synthesized voice was in your ear, “I thought I lost you.”

You let you a heavy breath that got caught in the back of your throat as you choked on a sob of relief. Kylo released his hold on your body and moved his hands to grip your helmet making you look at him. Focusing your eyes, you stared up into his blank mask wishing you could see his face.

“You’re okay. It’s okay," he muttered.

You nodded slowly trying to absorb his words and take in what he was saying and doing. He must have realized you were still in shock because he placed a hand on your shoulder trying to steady you.

“Kylo-” you breathed out almost in a whisper.

“I know,” he said quickly. “But we need to move.”

He reached his arm directly outwards and a blaster flew from the ground and up into his hands. Shoving it into your grip, he made sure you had a hold on it.

“Let’s go, stay close.”

You could only nod in agreement as he turned around and ignited his lightsaber.

Fuck. This mans really just saved your life.

He was already moving, and your feet started mindlessly following behind him. There was so much movement around you, but you focused your eyes in on the billowing cape in front of you and kept moving.

Gripping your blaster tightly, you held it at the ready hoping you wouldn’t have to use it. Even with all of your training, even after going on a mission, you still didn’t want to have to kill anyone. Yes, you would if you had to protect yourself, but you really didn’t want to.

Kylo picked up his pace as he started deflecting the shots that were being sent towards the two of you. Thank the gods he was good at what he was doing because you were so caught up with everything that you were definitely a vulnerable target.

Shouts still rang through the air and you attempted to figure out what was happening. It looked like there was a wall blocking off the villages that were up ahead. Had they been alerted that you were coming to this planet? How else would they have known to put up a brigade?

Beings in heavy armor and masks stood blocking the wall and were throwing explosives towards the incoming attack. It looked like they had an entire army there defending them as they shot down troopers. They were good, for sure, but the First Order was still stronger.

Guilt ran through you as you realized you wouldn’t be able to help any of the wounded troopers. You didn’t have your supplies bag and you were in no way capable of helping anyone without it. The most you would be able to do is make sure they were breathing before finding another medic to help them.

Looking around, you saw that there were still quite a few stormtroopers moving through the clouds of smoke as debris was being shot through the air. You could see the shiny suit of Captain Phasma moving towards the front of the wall. She was taking the beings out one by one and you couldn’t help but be impressed.

Gods she was a badass.

The ground rumbled and you almost lost your balance from being distracted. You were able to find your footing and you continued on your trek behind Kylo. Now that you were moving closer into the heat of the battle, he was swinging his lightsaber around slicing people in half like it was nothing.

He’d hold his hand out and throw people across the field. You had never seen him in a battle like this. It was amazing to watch him work. The way he held himself with so much confidence as he pushed his way through, was intimidating and also wildly alluring.

Stop. You needed to stop thinking about him like this.

A loud yell nearby rang through the air as a massive explosion went off. You didn’t have time to react before Kylo threw himself on top of you protecting you from the blow. The two of you were dragged through the ground and he held onto you protectively. Another explosion went off throwing large chunks of rock near you and Kylo gripped your body to his as he took the brunt of the thrown material to his back making him growl in pain.

“Kylo,” you whimpered out. “Oh gods, are you okay?” you asked in a shaking voice.

“Yes,” he groaned lowly as he tried to move off of you.

He was slowly getting back up and you saw a figure quickly approaching the two of you. With Kylo’s back still turned to them, they held up a blaster and pointed it at the two of you. Letting out a cry you lifted up your blaster and aimed at them. Your hand was shaking as the figure moved closer and you could hear their gun fire off.

You screamed and shot your blaster.

Your blast hit them directly in the chest knocking them directly over. A feeling of guilt washed over you but was quickly replaced with pride.

Wow, you really just did that.

Kylo's yells of pain brought your focus back to him immediately. He had gotten shot in the back. No, no, no. You felt yourself starting to panic as you scrambled to stand up and hold onto him.

You couldn’t help but cry as you saw him hunched over in pain as he started to stand up fully. He would be alright, he had to be alright.

Grabbing his shoulders, you forced him to face you, “You’re okay. It’s okay,” you said trying to comfort him.

He nodded back letting another whine of pain leave him as he stood upright fully. He ignited his saber again and turned around and started swinging it around. The shot to the back must have given him some insane burst of energy because he was slicing creatures down left and right. The pain was bringing out the rage in him.

Shoving away the small amount of morals, you had left, you started firing at the masked and armed creatures that were aiming towards the two of you. You no longer felt bad. These fuckers had tried to kill you.

And they shot your… well, what was he? Ex-lover? You didn’t have time to think about that right now.

You were firing at each and everything that came towards you. More blasts filled the air making you lose your footing a few times, but you quickly regained your position. All of your time with Jonah was proving it’s worth right now as you took out nearly everything you were aiming at.

Maybe you actually were good at this.

It felt like hours had passed as you continued moving through the field hiding from the shots aimed at you. You bobbed and weaved amongst the chaos and stayed close to Kylo. He was moving at an incredible rate killing anyone that came near him.

And then, an eerie silence rang through the air. It was all over.

You started running around to troopers on the ground in hopes of helping them. Unfortunately, the ones on the ground were already long gone. You swore as you ran to each on desperate to find one that was still breathing. But they were all dead. You hung your head in defeat kicking yourself for not being able to help any of them.

It wasn’t your fault, you knew that. Didn't stop you from feeling wickedly guilty.

Phasma’s voice yelled for everyone to head back towards the shuttles. The stormtroopers towards the front had managed to break through the barricade allowing Kylo to walk right through. You wanted to follow him through, but that wasn’t your job right now.

Following the other troopers, you jogged back to the shuttles in hopes of finding medical supplies onboard to start helping those with minor injuries. You guessed that there was probably a quarter of the troops that had been sacrificed during the battle; meaning there were still quite a few who had made it out alive.

Running towards the other medics, you started helping them with injuries. Most of the soldiers were just exhausted at this point and many had wounds related to the explosions. The armor did its job in protecting them, because the majority of them were mostly okay.

After making sure everyone was attended to, you found your place in line on Shuttle 3 and waited for take off. You didn’t know where Kylo was, but you knew the shuttles wouldn’t be leaving without him.

You shut your eyes and inhaled deeply thinking over everything that had just happened.

That was intense- shit. It honestly all felt like a dream. Well, more like a nightmare. 

Never ever in your wildest dreams could you have imagined something like this happening. Of course, you knew that these battles were dangerous. You had treated enough patients to know the types of things the troopers went through. But you never thought you’d see it first-hand.

Now that you had, you had to admit that you sort of liked it. It was terrifying but exhilarating.

The ramp to the shuttle began to lift up and you opened your eyes to see Kylo walking past you. A breath of relief left you seeing that he was okay. He was walking with a slight hunch from getting shot, but he looked overall okay. Well, from what you could see with him in his full uniform.

The shuttle rumbled beneath you and started to take off. Looking out the little window near you, you saw the planet that was still smoking and covered with fires grow smaller and smaller in view. You were glad to be leaving it.

The journey back felt long, but eventually, the shuttle shook as it prepared to land in the docking bay. It landed with a hard jolt sending you to almost land flat on your face.

The ramp started to lower, and you followed the line of troopers in front of you and made your way down it. It felt nice to have your feet planted on the ground of the bay. You let out a sigh as you started walking through in pursuit of going towards the medbay to help the injured troopers. Maybe Doc would be working, or maybe Madison would have gotten called in to help. It’d be nice to see them.

A sudden pull on your arm caused you to whip around and you saw Kylo standing there. He released his grip on you and tilted his head to the side indicating you to follow him.

“Kylo, I have to go help the injured-”

“Well good thing I’m injured,” he replied back as he started walking through the bay and into the hallway.

You let out a frustrated sigh as you followed behind him obediently. He took long strides through the hallways and the two of you were quickly in the General’s medbay.

Stripping down your uniform in the sanitation room of the bay, you pulled on some scrubs and cleaned yourself down. Your body was screaming at you in pain, but you pushed through. After helping a whiney Kylo, you planned on heading to the other bay to help out. It was the least you could do.

Walking into an examination room, you saw him already sitting on the bed in the room with his bare back facing you. Avoiding staring, you started gathering supplies that you would need to treat his wound.

Grabbing everything you needed, you set it on a tray and dragged it up near him, so you were facing his back. You pulled on a pair of gloves and got to work looking at his injury. He instantly backed away from your hands as you reached to him.

“Stop it, you’re only going to make it worse.”

“Well, it fucking hurts.”

You rolled your eyes, “Yeah no shit, that’s what happens when you get shot by a blaster.”

Kylo folded his arms across his chest in a pout and let your hands continue working. The shot had hit him just below his left shoulder blade. Even with all of his layers and armor he wore; it still somehow broke through to his skin. Thankfully it wasn’t as severe as the shot he sustained to his abdomen when he was shot on Starkiller Base.

“Stop fidgeting, dammit,” you hissed at him.

His shoulders slumped in defeat and he grumbled under his breath. It didn’t look like the wounded needed stitches; it was more like a bad burn on his skin. Your gloved hands were splayed against his bare back as you examined the wound.

Gods you hadn’t seen him like this in forever. It made your insides squirm just looking at the muscles that stretched across his wide back.

Okay, you really needed to shut your mind off.

You had been working hard to keep your head blank so that he wouldn’t be able to read your thoughts. It seemed to be working so far, but he also hadn’t said anything about it to you.

Gulping down your nervousness, you leaned closer towards him and looked at the red irritated skin. Yep, just a really bad burn. With some ointment and bandaging, it should be good to go. If you really wanted to, you could probably remove the infected skin and get some grafts on there to help the formulation of new skin growth.

But you were feeling petty. He deserved to be in some pain.

“Your hands are freezing.”

You rolled your eyes again, “They should feel nice on your burn then.”

“Don’t roll your eyes at me, Red.”

“How-”

He let out a low chuckle, “All this time, and you think I don’t know you.”

You didn’t say anything as you reached down for your tray grabbing the antiseptic. He was right of course, not that you’d tell him that. And you knew, even though he was facing away from you, that he was smirking at you.

Grabbing the solution, you got some of it on a cloth before gently letting it soak into his skin. He let out a hiss as his body jerked away from you. Keeping one hand on his wound, the other grabbed his shoulder to keep him in place. At first, he flinched away from your extra touch, but then soon melted into it.

Pressing the cloth in harder, you moved it around slowly fully saturating the area with the damp cloth. He let out a groan again as you removed the towel and set it down. You knew the process hurt like a bitch. But then again, he deserved it.

“Are you almost done?” he asked rolling his shoulders back to relieve some tension.

You nodded before realizing he couldn’t see you, “In a bit. Have some patience.”

“Now, do you really think I have any of that?”

It was your turn to chuckle, and you kept quiet as you grabbed the ointment from the tray. Holding onto him again, you gently applied it to his skin rubbing it in with circular motions. The burn was probably almost as big as your hand, so you grabbed extra healing cream to fully coat the area.

A soft moan escaped his lips and your body froze.

Well, fuck.

Hearing him like that did something to your body. The noise went straight to your pussy making it throb in anticipation. It had been a hot minute since anything had happened down there and you were definitely a little desperate.

Your breathing picked up as you continued massaging the cream in. Was this a good decision? No. Were you doing it anyway? Yes.

His pale freckled skin seemed to be glowing underneath the bright lights making him look absolutely delectable. You couldn’t even see his face, just his exposed back, and it was doing something to you.

Gods you were pathetic.

He had absolutely wrecked your heart and had done nothing to help patch it up. Okay yeah, he saved your life a couple times today. But that didn’t make up for him leaving you stranded and brokenhearted with no explanation all those weeks ago. 

And yet, seeing him here was making your vision go foggy. It was like each individual muscle in his back was moving as he took each breath.

He still had you wrapped around his finger.

You removed your hand and reached for the bandage trying to shove your feelings and urges away. He looked so fucking good, as usual, so how the hell were you supposed to do your job right now and be professional?

Holding the bandage against his skin, you grabbed for the adhesive to allow the gauze to stay in place. Luckily his wound wasn’t actively bleeding; it seemed to have almost already scabbed over. Not fully, but enough that he could probably take the bandage off within the next few days. 

After fulling sealing the wound with the bandaging, you pulled your gloves off and threw them on the tray with a huff. You were absolutely exhausted. If you could help it, you decided you were never going to go on another night mission again. Training all day and then going straight into battle was not fun. How the hell did the troopers do this on a regular basis? You could barely do this once and you’d need a few days to recover.

Grabbing the excess materials off of your tray, you walked them over to dispose of them making sure to not look at Kylo. He seemed to sense you avoiding him and he turned around on the bed he was sitting to face you.

A slight flush came over your cheeks and you fought hard to ignore his gaze. He was staring at you as you cleaned everything else up and put the supplies back into the cabinets. His eyes followed as you went to wash your hands.

He cleared his throat like he was going to say something, but silence echoed through the room.

“You can leave,” you said to him not turning to look at him.

“Red-”

You let out a frustrated groan still facing towards the sink, “Don’t ‘Red’ me. You need to leave.”

“Just let me-”

Slamming your hands against the counter and interrupting him, you said through gritted teeth, “I don’t want to hear your bullshit excuses.”

“But, today-”

Leaning against the counter, you looked down at your feet, “Yes, thank you for today. I appreciate you saving me. But there is nothing between us anymore.”

Kylo said nothing and you could hear him sliding off of the bed. You heard the rustling of his cape and armor being lifted off of the ground and you shut your eyes not wanting to see him leave.

You’d seen him leave you too many times.

You didn’t want to add this time to the long list.

Breathing in deeply, you focused on keeping your mind blank and shutting him out. You needed him to leave so that you could curl up into a ball. Today had been a lot for you to handle, and his being here wasn’t helping you sort through your emotions.

Truth be told, you just wanted to cry after everything that had happened. It had all be pretty fucking traumatic and now that you were safe and mostly unharmed, it was all crashing into you at once.

Kylo called out your name softly making your head snap up and you opened your eyes to look at him.

His face was blank except for his eyebrows that were knitted together in concentration. Once you made eye contact, his expression lightened, and he took a step towards you.

“No,” you said firmly holding a hand out in front of you to stop him.

He set his black attire down on the bed and took another step towards you making your back run into the counter. His bare chest was moving rapidly from him breathing so quickly. Your chest was also moving faster as he continued to approach you slowly.

“No, Kylo, stop.”

He said your name again as he moved in closer making your heart burst at the seams. No, fuck. How did he have so much power over you? He had his eyes set on you like you were prey.

“You need to leave,” you said trying to sound firm, but your voice cracked at the end.

Kylo was now only a few feet away from you and your breath caught in your throat. Your eyes were somehow locked onto his and you just couldn’t look away. His sparkling golden eyes bore into yours as he moved even closer.

The arm that you had extended in front of you to keep him away was now dangerously close to hitting his skin. You didn’t want to touch him. Okay, that was a lie. But you shouldn’t touch him. You really shouldn’t.

“Please,” you whined as he moved even closer.

Your hand connected with his firm chest and you gasped at the feeling. His smooth skin was warm underneath your cold hands and you had to force yourself from running your hands up and down his body. He looked so good. Literally, how did he always look so good?

He reached his large hands upwards to grab your extended hand. It felt like your heart stopped as he gently pulled your hand up to his mouth and he planted a soft kiss on your palm. He curled your fingers over and kissed your knuckles.

His hooded eyes blinked slowly at you waiting for you to stop him. And of course, you didn’t.

Being this close to him had your entire body on fire. Just this small amount of touch was making your body covered in goosebumps and you swallowed quickly to stop yourself from drooling. You could feel yourself practically dripping and you wished you could press your thighs together to get some relief.

“Kylo-”

He shut you up by pulling your body harshly against his and you almost yelped in surprise. Your body was now directly pressed up to his. He reached for your other hand and pulled it up to wrap around his neck. Instinctively, you knotted your hands together behind his head. Fighting the urge to run your fingers through his hair, you clamped your hands tightly together.

Kylo’s hands slowly moved to grip your waist and you gasped at the feeling. His hands were so big and warm, and they felt absolutely amazing on your body. His eyes were still staring directly into yours as his hands moved down feeling your curves until he grabbed your hips.

“No,” you whispered.

His brows raised in confusion waiting for you to push him away; which you didn’t.

“You hurt me,” you said in a low shaky voice.

He pushed his forehead until it was pressed against yours and he exhaled, “I know I did.”

You shook your head slowly, “Then this needs to stop.”

His breath was slow and rhythmic as he tightened his hands around your hips, “I know I hurt you,” he said softly. “I know what I did was cruel.”

You scoffed, “It was terrible.”

“I didn’t want to hurt you.”

Closing your eyes, you let out a strained breath as he moved his hands lower down your body. His hands moved from your hips to your ass making you gasp at the feeling. He flexed his fingers out and stretched them over your skin as he started to massage his hands into you.

Without being able to stop yourself, a low moan escaped your lips as he continued to grip into your flesh. It felt so good. It was so wrong. But you couldn’t say no to him anymore.

You missed him so badly. Missed everything about him. Missed what he could do with those hands.

“I know I hurt you,” he said lowly as he moved his lips to your neck leaving wet kisses. He sucked a bite where your neck met your shoulder making you whine. “So, let me kiss it better,” he practically purred into your ear.

His words went directly to your pussy and you couldn’t hold back any longer and you dug your fingers into his hair. A surprised groan left him, and his lips moved to meet yours.

Your breath hitched when he pressed his soft needy lips against yours. You immediately kissed him back making him deepen the kiss and slip his tongue into your mouth. His grip on your ass tightened and he pulled your hips to press into his.

You could feel his hard arousal pressing into you and it made you whine in anticipation. Keeping one hand in his silky-smooth hair, you let the other drag down his front. Your hand ran over his rock-hard pecks and down his chiseled stomach and he sucked in a quick breath.

He broke away from the kiss and started sucking and biting at your neck. You leaned your head back giving him more access. Gasping at the feeling, you pulled harshly on his hair making him let out a deep groan.

Before you knew what was happening, he had gripped your hips again and was pulling you up to sit you on the counter. Breathing heavily, you looked at him as he began to kneel down in front of you.

Shit.

His hands reached up to grip your scrub bottoms and he pulled them down so quickly you didn’t have time to react. He had also pulled down your underwear leaving you bare and dripping.

His eyes widened looking at your dripping core. He moved closer and pulled your legs to wrap around his head. His hands moved to grip your thighs and spread you even wider for him.

Licking his lips, he gave you a mischievous smirk as he started kissing your inner thighs. He was carefully avoiding the area you wanted him to touch the most and your hands flew to grip his hair again. A moan left you as his lips ghosted closer and closer to your soaked cunt.

“Kylo,” you whined letting your head fall back.

You could feel his smirk deepen as his mouth moved even closer to you.

His head lifted up to look at you with deep sultry eyes as he groaned out, “Let me kiss you better.”


	33. I’m Not Your Baby

Hi friends- just wanted to say this chapter might be triggering for some folx. I didn’t originally put a trigger warning in and I apologize. I never meant to make any of you uncomfortable and definitely don’t want to take away from those who have experienced this. I’ll do better in the future. Thanks keeping me in check. 

This probably was not a good idea.

This wasn’t a fucking apology; and you deserved a real goddamn apology from him. He had put you through hell.

But shit, how could you say no to this? Who wouldn’t want Kylo Ren on his knees in front of you practically begging to pleasure you?

You shouln't have fixed him up yourself. You shouldn't have let him get near you afterward. You shouldn't have let him kiss you. 

Well, too late for that now. 

You deserved to feel good for once. It had been so long since you let anyone touch you. In your mind, you wanted to say it had been a while because you were working on yourself and didn’t need the distraction. In reality, it was because no one could ever or would ever compare to him. He was just too good with his hands.

And his mouth.

Your thoughts were interrupted when Kylo licked a strip up your exposed cunt. Your eyelids fluttered closed as you gripped a handful of his long hair. With your other hand, you held onto the edge of the counter in hopes that you could hold yourself upright.

He took his time moving his tongue through your folds all while purposely avoiding your clit. He moved his tongue down until he reached your tightest hole. Spreading your ass wider, he circled his tongue around the skin, and you hummed in pleasure. It was a new feeling, but it felt so fucking good.

Batting his long dark eyelashes, he watched you fall apart as he continued his same motions. Everything he did felt so good that you could only respond with heavy desperate pants. He began poking his tongue into you making a loud gasp leave your body. He seemed to be enjoying himself as he let out a deep groan. The vibration from his mouth made everything feel more intense and you tugged on his hair tighter.

Without intentionally meaning to, your hips started to move in rhythm with his tongue as he continued. Pulling his mouth away from your ass, he brought his mouth back up towards your throbbing nub. He sucked it into his mouth which felt like heaven. He had been denying touching it making it feel extra sensitive.

You didn’t realize how pent up and stressed you had been feeling. It was the sweetest relief you could have asked for. And he knew exactly how to make you unravel beneath him.

His large hands gripped your legs harder as he nuzzled his face further into you. The noises leaving your mouth were embarrassingly loud, but you didn’t care at this point. Kylo moved his mouth away as he stared intensely at you trying to catch his breath. He smirked before he licked his lips and moved right back towards you.

“You always taste so fucking good,” he practically purred against you. “I can’t get enough.”

Your chest was rising in sharp inhales as you tried to focus on reaching your high. Your back was pressed into the wall and your head was thrown back in euphoria.

Without you realizing what he was doing, he slipped one thick finger into you making you whine out, “Fuck, Ky-”

It slipped in with little effort given how wet you were. You could almost feel yourself leaking down his face. 

He continued to work his mouth against your clit by sucking and swirling his tongue around it. His finger was pumping in and out of you at a ridiculously slow pace. Everything felt so insanely good that your body couldn’t decide how to react.

Another finger entered your pussy as he picked up the pace of his movements. He was still purposely going slower than he normally would keeping you from getting to your orgasm quicker.

Moving his mouth back, he wrapped his tongue around your swollen clit and sucked on it gently. Your chest rose sharply at the feeling and you tightened your legs that were wrapped around his head.

His fingers kept up with the slow movements and his mouth moved back down to your ass. He brushed his pinky finger over your hole making a gasp leave you. Looking at you for permission, you just stared back at him with hazy eyes and gave him a small nod.

Kylo licked his lips and used the juices that were leaking from you to help lubricate his smallest finger. He gently started to push it inside causing you to instantly tense up.

“Relax,” he hummed against your skin. “Just breathe.”

Inhaling a shaky breath, you tried to calm down and release your tight muscles. As you did so, his finger slowly made its way into you. It felt so weird but so good that you couldn’t explain it.

Working his fingers at the same pace, he started moving them at the same time causing your legs to begin to tremble. Having the pressure of him in both of your holes was too good to explain. Everything felt so good that you couldn’t even describe how you were feeling at the moment. All you could do was pull on his hair tighter as throaty moans left body.

His mouth moved back up to your clit and he teased you by only leaving small kisses against it. You were desperate at this point. So close to finishing that you bucked your hips towards his mouth in the hopes of finding more friction.

Kylo stopped his movement and pulled his mouth and fingers away and gave you a devilish grin as he said, “You better beg if you want to cum.”

Your mouth hung open in shock as you tried to control your legs that were still shaking. He was holding you on the brink of your orgasm and you felt like you were going to explode if you didn’t get to release the built-up tension.

“Fuck that,” you said wickedly as you moved your hand down your body aiming for your throbbing clit. “I don’t need you to help me finish.”

The shocked look on his face gave away how much he wasn’t expecting you to say that. This caused him to growl as he yanked your hand away from your pussy and held it above your head. Using his other hand, he shoved three fingers into you at once making a loud moan leave your mouth in surprise. He smirked as he then slipped his pinky back into you.

You were so wet and full of him that you didn’t know how you hadn’t cum at this point.

“Fucking hell, Kylo,” you nearly screamed as your whole body shook with pleasure.

A hot burning started in the bottom of your spine and worked its way up and through you. He aggressively attached his lips to your clit and sucked. It pushed you over the edge and you yelled as your orgasm hit you like a truck.

It felt like you were temporarily blinded and all you could see was the bright lights above you as you rode out the feeling.

You were so sensitive that you tried pulling your hips away from his mouth, but he kept his hold on you. He pulled his fingers out slowly and used his mouth to lap up what was leaking out of you.

The strong hold that you had on his hair was gently released as you tried to gain feeling back in your trembling legs. Kylo found it amusing and tried to help you get down from the counter. You didn’t accept his help and hopped down but instantly lost your balance and crashed into him.

“Oh, sorry,” you mumbled as you tried to stand back upright.

“It’s okay,” he softly replied as he watched you standing there.

Something felt different between the two of you.

You had just felt one of the strongest orgasms of your life and had felt so high; only to now go back to feeling so low. There was some unspoken rule the two of you had just broken and you weren’t sure how to recover from it.

“Well, um,” you said as you reached down to grab your pants. “You should be good to go. Let me know if your wound needs any more attention.”

You could feel yourself getting emotional and you had to turn around and face the counter. Inhaling a shaky breath, you pulled on your underwear and pants trying to avoid his gaze.

“Red.”

“I need you to leave,” you said softly keeping your eyes away from him.

Kylo stood there for a while and you weren’t sure if he had even heard you. But after a few minutes, you heard him sigh as he moved back towards the examination bed. You heard the shuffling of him picking up his clothes and heard him walk to the door.

There was a pause before he said, “Thank you…for fixing me.”

At that, you lost it.

Everything you had been feeling over the past weeks came crashing over you. Trying to keep quiet, you coughed trying to cover up the sounds of your crying. The tears were flowing freely down your face and your heart literally felt like it was breaking all over again.

A warm hand laid on your shoulder and turned you around. You were immediately engulfed into the outstretched arms of Kylo. He held you as you cried into his now clothed chest. Crying into him and inhaling his comforting scent wasn’t helping. It was only making things worse.

His arms were wrapped tightly around you and one of his hands was softly rubbing your back. You tried to shove him away to get some space from him, but he held you close.

He laid a soft kiss on the top of your head before he rested his chin on the top of your head.

The two of you stood there like that for a while until your sobs calmed down. You weren’t sure why you were feeling so emotional. It felt like you had an abundance of emotions lately and any little thing would set you off.

“You’re welcome,” you mumbled as you broke away from the hug.

Kylo bent down and wiped away your tears. He gave you a sad smile as he turned around and grabbed his things. Before you could say anything more, he was out the door and you were alone.

\---

The next weeks were not great. Well, overall you were feeling a little bit better. But still miserable at the sametime. Some days you felt like actual literal hell, and others you felt the exact opposite.

You were training hard every single day; even the days when you worked in the medbay. Trying to prove a point to yourself, you vowed to be better than how you had been.

You couldn’t remember the last time you had felt this fucking frustrated. Mostly about yourself. Frustrated at how you were scared shitless on the last mission and forgot everything Jonah had taught you. Frustrated because you were naïve to think that you’d never have to kill anyone while on a mission.

Frustrated about what happened afterward in the medbay.

It was all too much for your brain to handle which is why you were currently beating the shit out of a boxing bag in the training center.

With each hit, you could feel a small fraction of your pent-up emotions go away. The gloves you had on were getting sweaty and harder to hold on to as you kept up with the hits. After a while, you started using your legs and swung them up swiftly to kick the bag.

Imagining all of your thoughts and feelings were the actual bag really helped with your aim. It felt like all of your extra training had paid off, but at the same time, you felt like you had no idea what was going on.

How would you ever really be prepared to be in a battle just by using weapons in a training center? Practicing for it and actually doing it were two very different things.

You were sweating so profusely at this point that you decided you should take a break since you were afraid you were going to literally slip. Throwing the gloves down on the ground, you laid down and tried to catch your breath.

A rumble of hunger ripped through your body and you gripped your stomach. Over the last weeks, you had been so hungry all the time. You were eating more than usual to keep up with all of the extra training.

Madison was starting to get worried. She said you were going to work yourself until you were sick, which had already happened.

There had been a few mornings where you woke up feeling terrible and the only thing to make you feel better was getting rid of it. So, that meant you spent a lot of time in the bathroom hurling your guts up.

She said you needed to take a break from everything, but you didn’t want to.

You needed a distraction.

If you were sitting there for too long with your thoughts, you’d only end up getting upset about everything that had happened with Kylo. Instead, you kept yourself busy.

Max was also worried, but he knew this was your way of processing things. Although, like Madison, he was starting to get concerned about you getting sick all the time. He kept urging you to talk to Elliot about it, but you avoided it.

That would mean admitting you had a problem, and you didn’t think you were ready to do that yet.

The door to the training center creaked open and you moved your head and saw someone approaching. Your vision was blurry from the sweat in your eyes and you blinked trying to focus them.

Kylo was walking towards you. He stopped when he reached where you were lying down, and he started moving to lay down next to you.

“No, don’t,” you said holding a hand up. “I can go.”

“No, stay,” he said as he was now fully lying down next to your body.

Keeping your mind blank, you tried to calm your breathing and cover up the fact that you had just finished a super intense workout.

There was a long silent pause where you weren't sure if you should say soemthing or not. What would you even say to him though?

“I still haven’t seen you train.”

You moved your head to look at him, “Um, okay...”

“I promised I’d make sure you were ready,” he said as he stared at you. “And I haven’t kept that promise.”

You swallowed before saying softly, “There were a lot of things you said you'd do that you didn’t keep.”

He shut his eyes and moved his head to stare back up at the ceiling. You probably shouldn’t have said that, but you couldn’t help yourself.

You were still hurting.

But so was he.

“I can show you,” you said as you started to sit up. “If it would make you feel better.”

Kylo sat up and looked at you before nodding his head, “Okay.”

You stood up and walked over to the table with weapons laid out on it. Reaching for two batons, you grabbed one for yourself and tossed the other towards Kylo. He caught it effortlessly and walked over until he was closer.

“We don’t have to actually-”

Before he could finish his thought, you swung your baton upwards and hit his upper arm. He was in shock from your movement clearly not anticipating that you'd already start.

Guess that meant your training both physically and mentally were paying off. Meaning he couldn’t get into your mind anymore and read your thoughts. 

He swung back and you quickly dodged his outstretched arm and took a few steps backward. A small smirk fell over his face as he moved closer to you. He moved his baton out lower this time and you moved your arm at the last minute and connected your weapon with his. The loud crack of them hitting against each other filled the air.

You couldn’t help but smile at his reaction as you pulled your hand away only to swing at him again and lightly craze his torso. His eyes widened as he moved to try and hit you again but missed.

Shit, maybe you were better than him.

Kylo did an impressive turn around before he aggressively moved his baton to graze your thigh. Alright, maybe you spoke too soon.

The two of you were swinging your weapons back and forth barely hitting each other each time. The only sounds in the room were from your hard batons smacking into each other and the hard breathing from the both of you. 

If anyone was watching, they might guess that this was some sort of intricate dance. It was like the two of you moved as one unit. Like you were connected in a way.

Each time he moved towards you, your body managed to duck out of the way at just the right time. And when you advanced on him, he dodged it at the last second.

Your muscles were screaming at you to stop and you were losing the ability to breathe, but you kept going determined to disarm him. He clearly wanted the same thing as he continued his ruthless pace of swinging his baton.

He was much more fit than you, obviously, and you were surprised you could even last this long. He was sweating and breathing hard, but you knew he could probably still be able to keep going. 

As you reached up to block him a sharp pain stabbed through you and dropped your baton. Since you couldn’t block yourself, his baton came down and nearly smacked right into your head. Luckily, he caught himself just as it almost hit you.

Your body crumpled to the ground and you held your stomach in pain. It was the worst pain you’d ever felt. Worse than almost getting crushed alive by debris and rubble. Worse than slicing your hand open and knocking yourself unconscious from the loss of blood.

“Baby,” Kylo said with a concerned voice as he dropped to the ground next to you. “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

You let out a cry of pain and tears started leaking from your eyes. He pulled your crunched-up body towards his and he tried to get you to look at him.

“Please, baby,” he cooed trying to get you to say something.

You let him hold you as the pain progressed. It was like something inside of you was screaming at your body and you didn't know what to do. Tears poured down your face as you held onto your stomach wishing the stabbing feeling would go away.

Then just like that, the pain subsided. Sweet relief washed over you and you started to sit up again. He looked at you dumbfounded, and you stared into his eyes.

“I’m not your baby,” you said softly. “Not anymore.”

His face scrunched up and he looked down at his hands without saying anything with a defeated look on his face. You pushed yourself up off the ground and slowly made your way over to the door not wanting to look at him. Your body was still hunched over from the pain, but it was getting a little better as you moved. 

You knew you should have explained what happened, but you just didn’t have the energy. Whatever just happened had taken what little spark you had left.

Dragging yourself to Elliot’s quarters, you knocked harshly waiting for him to answer. Instead, the hatch flew open and you saw Max standing there with a confused look. He took in your curled and pained position as you gripped your stomach. 

“Is Elliot here?” you asked in pained breaths.

Max’s face instantly changed, and he walked towards you, “What’s wrong? Are you okay?” You nodded but before you opened your mouth, he kept going, “What do you need? Oh my god, please tell me you’re okay.”

“I’m okay, I just need to sit down.”

He didn’t look convinced, but he led you towards the couch in the middle of the room. You assumed Elliot must still be working which is why he wasn’t back in his room yet. Looking around, you noticed quite a few of Max’s items throughout the room, but now wasn’t the time to have that discussion.

“I think you also need to shower,” he said in a soft voice as the two of you sat down.

You let out a chuckle and nodded your head, “Yeah, I do.”

“How about you shower, and then we can go see Elliot and make sure you’re okay.”

Nodding your head in agreement, you slowly stood up and made your way towards the shower. Max walked ahead of you and turned on the water and got you a new towel.

You started stripping off your sweaty clothes and let them fall to the ground. He gave you a soft smile as you stepped into the shower. The hot water hit your skin and you instantly started to feel better.

Standing there, you closed your eyes and tried to relax to the soothing feeling of the burning water against you. Reaching for shampoo, you started your normal shower routine. It wasn’t until you started washing your body that you noticed it.

Dripping down your legs and pooling on the shower floor below you was blood.

And a lot of it.

Being a medic, you were used to seeing a lot of blood. You liked to say you were immune to seeing it. Especially after being out for those missions. You really had seen everything at this point and felt prepared to deal with anything. 

But this was different. Seeing all of this bllod coming out of you at once was different. You knew this wasn’t just a normal period. This was something else. 

Something much worse.

The wave hit you all of a sudden and you whipped the shower door open just before hurling your guts out into the toilet. Your body was slouched over the toilet as you gripped it for stability. It was painful and gruesome and knew Max would be able to hear you soon. 

No, no, no. This can’t be happening.

A soft knock came on the door and Max poked his head in, “Hey, are you-”

His voice cut off as he saw you lying against the toilet. He flung the door open and ran over to you. He pulled your wet hair away from your face as you leaned over to empty more of your stomach.

You felt like shit. And you felt like an idiot.

Max’s gaze drifted over to the shower and his mouth dropped open when he saw all the blood. His eyes started to tear up as he looked at you and yours started doing the same. Your eyes connected with his and you knew he knew.

“Oh, my gods, are you pregnant?” he asked softly with a look of sadness.

You shook your head quickly as more tears continued to fall. There was no way. How. Literally how. You had an implanted birth control.

Also, you hadn’t had sex in a long time. But that just meant that'd this thing was more serious than you thought. 

How could you have no other symptoms? You were a fucking medic and you didn’t even realize.

The tears were pouring down your face and you quickly tried to wipe them away, but it wasn’t working. Max let out a sad sigh and pulled you in for a tight embrace. Pulling on your waist, he pulled you into his lap to hold you. Tucking your feet underneath you, your body was curled up on top of his as you broke down.

“Shh, it’s okay love,” Max said softly as he rubbed circles into your wet bare back. “We’ll figure something out.”

“I-I, I can’t, can’t have it,” you said choking on your words. You were crying so violently that you couldn’t even see his face anymore. “This can’t, c-can’t be hap-happening.”

“We should go and get you tested.”

“I k-know I am, M-Max,” you sobbed out as you gripped onto his shirt tighter. “I have to b-be, that’s the only, the only thing that m-makes sense.”

“Sweetie, we need to actually go get you tested,” he said softly as he started to stand up. You clung to him as he held you, “We’ll have Elliot do the test.”

You instantly moved your head to look at him with worried eyes, “No, no, he can’t know. He can’t know about me and-”

“He already does.”

Your mouth fell open, “Did you tell him?”

“He just knows, babe.”

You nodded slowly as he released your legs from his grip. He held your hand tightly and urged you out of the bathroom. Stopping briefly, he bent over and wiped away the tears that has stained your cheeks. He gave you a quick peck on the nose as he dragged you out into the bedroom.

He wrapped a towel around your body and one around your head to help your hair dry. Walking over to the dresser, he pulled out a sweatshirt and sweatpants and walked back over to you. He took your towels off and put on the clothes for you. Tears fell down your cheeks silently as you let him take care of you.

“But, but the blood-”

“Don’t even worry about it,” he said quietly as he got you all ready.

He threw the towels in a hamper and grabbed you a pair of slippers. Everything was too big for you, but it was warm and comforting and smelt like him.

“Let’s go,” he said as he reached for your hand.

The two of you walked down the long dark hallway and you kept your head down as you made your way to the medbay. You really didn’t want to see anyone right now. You felt awful and you simply couldn’t process what was going on.

Max was right, you needed to get tested to be sure. You needed to be sure before you really started to freak out.

How could you be so stupid? How could you have let this happen? The signs and symptoms were there, but you were so wrapped up in your head that you didn’t even notice. You were just too busy everything else to realize the changes that had been happening. 

Hundreds of questions flew through your mind and you couldn’t even begin to start to answer any of them. This all felt like a nightmare. One that you couldn’t wake up from.

He led you into the medbay and the two of you walked right back towards Elliot’s desk. Max knocked on the door before walking in. Elliot raised his head from paperwork and looked at the two of you with a questioning look.

After observing your hunched demeanor and Max’s worried face, he stood up and made his way towards you. He gave a knowing look towards Max before addressing you. 

“Why don’t you go lie down in one of the rooms and I’ll be right there.”

You nodded your head slowly and walked to the room nearby. Shame and embarrassment flooded over you, although you weren’t sure why.

Maybe it was because you knew that Kylo wouldn’t want this. You didn’t even know if you wanted this. It was so out of the blue and random that you didn’t know what you wanted.

Did you want kids? No, not really. Especially not with someone as temperamental as Kylo. It would just never work. But did he want kids? It's now like you'd ever had that discussion with him.

Shit, you didn't even know his mom's name and here you were carrying his child. Fuck.

Max walked in a little bit after you and sat down in the chair near the bed you were lying down in. You knew he probably filled Elliot in on what had happened, and you were grateful that you didn’t have to admit anything out loud.

Elliot walked into the room and started going through the normal procedure of getting you into a gown so he could start testing you. He would probably test you for multiple things and check to see if anything else was wrong. Meaning he was going to check vitals for sure before he did any testing.

After a while, he left the room with the samples and data that he had. You stayed lying down as fat tears dripped down your cheeks. Max held your hand tightly and cooed soft words of comfort towards you.

It felt like years later when Elliot finally came back in the room. He sat down next to Max and looked at you.

“So, is she pregnant?” Max asked gently.

“Well, no, not exactly.”

“Babe, please be more specific,” he responds in a hushed tone as he held your hand even tighter.

Elliot sighs deeply before taking his glasses off and scooting closer to you, “It’s more complicated than that.”

You didn't know what you wanted to hear him say. But you needed to know. Needed to know what you were getting yourself into. 

“Please, just tell me,” you said softly. “I need to know.”

“Well, you aren’t pregnant now,” he says with a long pause. “But you were.”


	34. You’re Still Wearing It?

(TW- mentions of the miscarriage again)

“Are you paying attention?”

Blinking quickly trying to refocus your eyes, you nodded your head acting as if you were in fact listening. As usual, you had drowned out everything that Phasma had said during the debrief. It’s not like you were consciously trying to ignore her, but your mind was a bit preoccupied.

“Good, so you’re fine with traveling with the Commander?”

Your mouth hung open in shock as you stared at the Captain’s white-blond hair as she stared back at you. Raising her eyebrows, she tilted her head to the side waiting for an answer. Unfortunately, all you could give her was a shocked stare.

The other medical troops in the room were also staring at you waiting for you to give your answer. Had literally everyone else actually been listening? Whoops. You were so lost, why would you need to travel with him?

“The decision can be made for you,” Hux chimed in stepping into your line of vision. “Would you prefer that?” he said while folding his hands behind his back.

You shook your head, “What, no, why do I need to do that?”

“So, you weren’t paying attention?” Hux said with a smug look on his face as he leered at you over the table separating the two of you.

“Cut her some slack, Hux,” Elliot said with a warning tone.

Suddenly, you felt how thick the tension was in the room. Why did it seem like Elliot hated Hux so much? How did they really even know each other?

Everyone in the room was situated around a large black table. There were chairs separating everyone out and you were all faced towards the two presenting at the head of the table. Most debriefs were in much larger groups, but this was a specific session for just the medic troops.

“Why should I?” the General said back with a snide. “Why must she always get special treatment?”

“Could you just explain it to me again, please?” you asked trying to keep your tone light and not defensive.

Letting out a dramatic sigh, Hux took a step towards you before saying, “Just because you are some little fuck toy for the-”

“Alright, that’s enough,” Elliot said in a low voice standing up so instantly that his chair fell to the floor behind him with a loud crash.

Everyone’s eyes in the room were instantly on you and Elliot who was now standing up next to you. Your face was bright red and you could feel the pathetic tears pricking your eyes. This had all happened like a flash and you didn’t know what you did to make him so upset.

Fuck that ginger asshole.

“General Hux, I suggest that you watch your tone when talking to my troops,” Phasma said in a cold hiss as she walked over to him at the edge of the conference table.

You felt embarrassed because you hadn’t been paying attention. And now you were getting slut-shamed by this jealous son of a bitch. This was ridiculous. You just wanted to leave and go be alone.

Sliding your seat back, you stood up and grabbed your datapad, “I’ll be reading the debrief on my own and leaving now.”

With that, you turned around and left the room without looking at anyone. The tears of frustration started to leak from your eyes and you quickly wiped them away. The hallways were relatively busy at this hour and you dodged the incoming traffic flow of people moving throughout them.

Your platoon of troops was being deployed again this evening and this meeting was to go over the plan. This time you had honestly really tried to pay attention, but just like in the past, you easily zoned out. It was so easy to. Everything they were talking about just made you more anxious and worried than you needed to be.

So instead of paying attention, you just ignored them.

Which led to you missing very important information apparently. They wanted you to travel with the Commander. Why the hell was he traveling separately and not with everyone else in the shuttle?

Maybe he requested you to be on his ship with him?

No, he wouldn’t have done that.

He’d been ignoring you since the two of you had trained together last. When you’d fallen over in pain. Before you knew what was happening.

You still felt a little mad at yourself for not realizing it sooner. But you were more upset that you didn’t know how to feel about it all. There was no way that you could have a baby right now, but there had been that chance. That possibility.

After having a lot of conversations with Madison, Max, and Elliot, you’d decided that maybe it had all been for the best. Even though it still hurt to think about. It still hurt knowing that this had happened to you.

You felt so alone even though you had great friends supporting you, it just wasn’t the same.

You knew you should tell Kylo. He deserved to know. But you hadn’t seen or heard from him in a few weeks. He’d been away on missions or training or something, you weren’t quite sure. All you knew was that he wasn’t trying to get in contact with you either.

He had seemed concerned in the training center after you fell over from the intense cramping, but you’d just left him there without saying anything else. And he hadn’t tried to follow you either.

After all, it was your fault. Your fault that it had happened.

Making it back to your room, the hatch slid open and you walked into the empty room. Madison was already working in the medbay for her shift and you had the rest of the day to yourself. Well, you could go train, but you felt too tired to do that.

At first, you had sulked in your room after everything happened. All of the pain from it was not pleasant. Elliot had to explain to you multiple times about what had probably happened and why things ended the way they did. But even he wasn’t sure what exactly caused it.

He assumed it was from when you had gotten nearly crushed alive on your last mission. The weight of the rock, the extreme amount of stress you were under, and the fact that you had the implanted birth control hadn’t made it a good home for a baby to grow in.

Even after Max had helped you get back to your room, you had still bleeding. You hadn’t even been that far along, but Elliot had to scrape out some remaining things inside of you. It hurt and you had just held Max’s hand as tears poured down your cheeks.

The physical pain during and afterward was terrible, but the emotional pain was much much worse. Instead of taking the time to process everything that had happened though, you just forced yourself to move on and continue on with your life.

Elliot had encouraged you to take time off to rest, but you knew you’d be too much in your head if you were left alone.

So, you went straight back to work and training.

You were back to being numb.

Throwing your datapad onto the sofa, you ripped off your shirt with a huff feeling too hot from the anger coursing through you. Sliding off your pants, you threw them in the pile of clothing before walking over to the closet. Shuffling through your clothes, you finally found what you were looking for. The only thing that brought you comfort.

Sliding Kylo’s large black sweater over your head, you walked over to the bed and crawled in and under the sheets.

Even after a few washes, the sweater still managed to smell like him. You slept with it on every night. It made you feel safe. It made you feel cared for. Even if he wasn’t actually with you.

You missed him. So damn much.

Madison would watch you put on the sweater each night in silence, even though you knew she wanted to say something about it. Sometimes you’d even put on the cape he had given you just to really feel like he was there.

Maybe after everything that had happened, you just felt closer to him even though he had no idea what you had been through.

There was a soft knock on the hatch, and you rolled over in the bed ignoring it. Shoving your face further into the pillow, you waited patiently hoping whoever was there would go away. Instead, you heard the hatch opening and someone walked in.

Not bothering to turn your head and look, you remained in your position hoping they’d think you were asleep and leave you alone.

The bed dipped next to you and your eyes flung open only to land on Max. He was dressed in his full janitorial uniform as he laid horizontally next to you. His face was etched with worry as he stared at you.

“Are you okay?” he asked softly.

You just nodded your head and brought your hands up to tuck in under your chin. Balling up the extra fabric in your hands, you inhaled the calming scent hoping it would only calm you down further.

Max reached out slightly to rest a hand on your upper arm, “You don’t need to pretend to be okay around me. You know that.”

He slowly moved his hand up and down in a soothing motion as he tried to coax an answer out of you. Taking a deep breath, you shut your eyes and prepared yourself to speak what was on your mind.

“They want me to travel with him.”

Keeping up his soft movements, Max raised an eyebrow in surprise, “Why? That doesn’t seem necessary.”

You shrugged allowing your body to relax more into his touch, “I don’t know, I wasn’t fully paying attention like I should have.”

“Do you want to see him?” he asked softly.

“I’m not sure, I haven’t seen him…” your voice trailed off. “Well, you know, I haven’t seen him since-”

“I know, honey,” Max replied. “You don’t have to say it out loud.”

You silently thanked him and nodded your head, “Yeah, so, I don’t know what to do.”

Nodding his head in thought, he looked down at your sweater, “You’re still wearing it?”

“I, um, I feel safer wearing it.”

Letting out a sigh, he reached out with his other arm and brought your body towards his. You instantly curled your body into his and nuzzled your face into his neck. His arms wrapped around your body as he held you.

You could hear the hatch open up and you didn’t even bother turning your head. Hearing footsteps again, you could tell whoever it was had made their way over to the bed.

The bed dipped as Madison crawled into it and instantly wrapped her arms around you and Max. Three of you lied there in silence just soaking in being there with each other in that moment.

“I heard what happened,” she said softly as she lifted her head slightly to look at you.

Turning to look at her, you noticed she was still in her scrubs, “Who told you?”

“Elliot told us both,” Max replied. “He wanted us to come and check on you and make sure you were okay.”

“I’m fine.”

Madison shook her head, “No, you’re not. And it’s okay not to be. You’re going through a lot right now.”

“But, but it’s been weeks.”

“Doesn’t matter, it can still hurt,” Max said. “You can still take the time you need to grieve.”

“There’s nothing to-”

“You can be sad about just the fact that it happened in the first place. Or that you didn’t get the option to choose,” Madison said as her hand rubbed slow circles into your back.

You knew she was right, but you didn’t want to admit it.

“I’m so tired of being sad,” you said letting out a sigh as you felt the stupid tears threaten to spill again. “I just want to be happy.”

“Oh, babes,” Max said with a huff. “You deserve to be happy; you deserve the whole goddamn galaxy.”

The three of you were there for a while longer before you started to doze off. You were still awake, but only partly. The two of them slipped out of the bed and tucked you in under the sheets. They moved to talking quietly together on the couch and they were far enough away that you couldn’t tell what they were saying. But you assumed they were talking about you.

You awoke to the sound of your datapad going off signaling you to get ready. Sitting upright quickly in bed, you threw off the sheets and hopped out.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Running around the room, you speedily shut off the alarm and looked for your stormtroopers uniform. It was tucked away in your closet and you pulled it out in a hurry. As you stripped down and started pulling it on, the hatch opened up and you didn’t even pause what you were doing.

Madison stood there with steaming food in her hands. She saw your panicked state and immediately moved over to you to start helping. After maneuvering and some wiggling, you got the uniform on. She handed you your food and you scarfed it down at a rapid pace.

“I have to go,” you said as you reached for your helmet.

“Okay,” she said back as she walked with you to the hatch. “Please, be safe.”

“I will, I promise,” you said as you slipped the helmet on and started running down the hallway with your datapad in hand.

You were nearly sprinting to the General’s medbay so that you could get your supplies bag completely ignoring the looks you got in the hallways. Troopers were in groups of people as they made their way towards the loading zone in the bay.

Shit, you were going to be so late.

By the time you burst through the medbay doors, you were out of breath and you nearly ran into Elliot. He was standing there ready and holding your supplies bag. Before you could properly thank him, he just held his hand up and motioned for you to leave. Nodding gratefully, you turned around and headed in the direction you needed to go.

The hallways were even more crowded, meaning this was a bigger mission than you thought. And of course, you had forgotten to read the debrief for the mission.

Awesome.

Once you reached the bay, you slowed down your pace and tried to catch your breath. There were hordes of white uniforms everywhere and you carefully weaved through them to get towards the front where the rest of the medics were.

To your dismay, Hux was standing there as you made your way towards them. He turned and immediately gave you a nasty look.

“Late again,” he said with a slow shake of his head.

“I-”

“Fuck off, Hux,” another one of the medics said as they walked by.

The General opened his mouth to say something, but Phasma walked up to you making him shut it.

“The Commander is waiting for you in his ship,” she said through her synchronized silver helmet. 

Nodding a reply, you looked around and saw where you needed to go. Inhaling a deep breath, you walked over to the ship. There were some mechanics doing some last-minute adjustments as they prepared the ship for takeoff. The ramp was lowered, and you didn’t hesitate to walk straight up it and into the open space within.

Setting your bag down, you propped yourself up against the wall and continued trying to catch your breath. Taking out your datapad, you scanned it looked for the debrief. Finally finding it, you looked over it quickly trying to understand what was going on.

Heavy footsteps moved towards you, but you continued looking down at the device in front of you. Now was not the time to be distracted by him.

“What are you doing?” a robotic voice asked you.

Keeping your gaze down, you replied, “Reading the debrief.”

“Didn’t you have a meeting going over that earlier?”

“Yes.”

“Hmm.”

You rolled your eyes and continued skimming the brief. Why was he nagging you right now anyway? Didn’t he have something better to do? Someone else to ignore for weeks?

Reminding yourself to keep your mind blank and off limits to him, you continued on with your reading.

He must have sensed that you weren’t going to reply and turned away from you. A dramatic sigh left you as you felt the ramp starting to rise up and enclose the two of you in there. You assumed that there were other crew members aboard but were surprised when you realized it was silent.

Setting your datapad down, you stood up and took your helmet off, and walked up towards the pilot’s seat. Kylo was sitting in the seat pushing some buttons and levers getting prepared to leave. His helmet was off, and you could see his soft hair blowing slightly from the draft.

It looked somehow even better than you last saw him. How was that even possible?

“Where is the rest of the crew?”

“You’re looking at it.”

You opened your mouth in shock and put your hands on your hips, “Why am I on this ship with you alone?”

Keeping his gaze forward, he said, “Why do you think?”

You let out a whine as you turned around and walked towards the back. It felt weird being along with him again. So much had happened. So much that he didn’t know about.

It was easy to pretend everything was okay when you didn’t see him. When you didn’t have to look in his eyes and pretend you were okay. Pretend that the things that had happened were okay.

Finding a seat in the back, you buckled yourself in and tried to calm down your breathing. You got the gist of what was going on for the mission and felt okay with taking a quick nap now. Even though you had just taken one, you were just completely exhausted.

The ship started to rumble and shake as it took off from the ground. Taking calming breaths, you closed your eyes and felt the movement of the ship as it left the docking bay. Within minutes, the ship was gliding smoothly through the galaxy and you opened your eyes again only to find Kylo standing there in front of you.

“What?”

“Were you going to sleep?”

“No.”

“Hmm.”

You rolled your eyes, “Stop doing that.”

“Doing what?”

“Never mind,” you said as you crossed your arms across your chest.

Kylo stood there just staring at you for a bit longer. You weren’t sure what he was doing or what he wanted to say. Looking at your medical supplies bag briefly, he turned to look back at you quizzically.

“Where is your overnight bag?” he asked with a tilt of his head.

Um…

“My what?”

“Your bag with things to stay overnight?”

“I’m not staying overnight with you.”

He sighed, “I’m not asking you to. But the journey to the planet will take a long time. Thus, needing a bag with overnight things.”

“I, I don’t have one.”

“Didn’t you have the debrief meeting earlier-”

You hastily unbuckled yourself and threw your arms up in frustration, “Yes, okay. I did. But I wasn’t paying attention.”

“Why?”

You wanted to rip your hair out. Why was he being so pushy right now?

“Because I was too fucking focused on thinking about you and I couldn’t concentrate.”

His mouth dropped slightly in shock as he took in what you said. You slapped your hand over your mouth in horror because you couldn’t believe you just said that out loud.

Shit.

“What do-”

“Nothing never mind,” you said with a heavy sigh as you pinched the crease between your eyebrows. “Where can I sleep?”

“You can stay with-”

“I’m not going to do that.”

He nodded slowly and turned to point at a door, “There’s another bed in there.”

Giving him one quick nod, you walked over and grabbed your supplies bag and helmet and walked to the door. It flew open and you got inside.

The room was dark and very small, but the bed looked decent enough. You set your things down and sat on the bed flopping backward with a groan.

Why the hell did you agree to come on this?

Grabbing your datapad, you started to scan the debrief looking for where it said it was an overnight mission. You swore it didn’t say that anywhere in it. After looking for a while, you finally found where it said it.

Dammit.

You also learned why there were so many troops. It was because the First Order was trying to establish dominance in a large city, and it took a lot more people to do that. Hopefully, it wouldn’t be as traumatic and bloody as your last mission.

Setting the device down, you rubbed your eyes feeling more tired. You didn’t have any clothes to sleep in other than the thin clothing underneath your bulky uniform. But they were comfortable enough, so they’d have to do.

Slipping off the hard armor of your uniform, you laid them on the ground as you curled into a ball on the bed. Closing your eyes, you tried to get comfortable, but nothing felt right.

You could always…

No.

You really shouldn’t.

But you could…

You tossed and turned for at least an hour before you got up. Getting out of your room, you walked over to Kylo’s which you knew was right next to yours. Before you could chicken out, you knocked on the door.

There was silence and you turned to leave before he stood there in front of you after the hatch slid open.

You stared at him for a bit not sure of what to say before you said, “Um, I, um, can I stay with you?”

“Of course,” he said softly as moved out of the doorway slightly to let you in

You slipped in and the hatch shut behind you. Looking around nervously, you noticed that the space was roughly the size of your first room back on Starkiller Base. Just big enough for a bed, some storage, and a small room with a shower.

There was some dim lighting in there making you now realize that Kylo was only wearing some loose pants. Trying to ignore his gorgeous body, you walked over to the bed. He followed cautiously behind you not sure what your next move would be.

He hesitantly pulled the bedsheet back and started to crawl into the bed. Feeling suddenly nervous, you just grabbed the pillow from the bed and plopped it on the ground. Lowering yourself down, you laid your head on the pillow and shut your eyes.

“What are you doing?”

“Sleeping.”

“Why are you on the floor?”

“I don’t want to bother you.”

You heard the bed shift as got out of the bed and walked towards you. Before you could register what was happening, he was scooping you up and placing you in the bed. Sitting up faster than you expected, you looked at him.

“I don’t want to-”

“You’re not bothering me,” he said as he looked down at you. “I’ll sleep on the floor, okay?”

He pulled the covers over you as he sunk to the ground and laid his head on the pillow. Sitting there in shock, you watched him lying on the cold ground.

“Go to sleep, you’ll need it for tomorrow.”

“You don’t even have a shirt on, you’ll freeze,” you said back looking at him with concern.

“I’m fine.”

“Suit yourself,” you said with a sigh as you rolled over and sunk your head into the pillow.

His soft breaths filled the room meaning he would probably fall asleep soon. You, on the other hand, now felt wide awake. He was so close to you, and yet so far away.

You wanted him near you. Wanted his arms wrapped around you. Wanted to smell his scent as you drifted off to sleep.

After a lot of contemplation, you decided to say fuck it. You kicked the covers off dramatically and sat upright and looked down at him. Kylo looked up at you with a look of curiosity as he watched you.

“I don’t want you to sleep on the floor either,” you said as you folded your arms across your chest.

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“I’m not.”

“You’re the one who took the pillow off to sleep on the ground to begin with,” he replied with a shrug. “I figured you didn’t feel safe there.”

You paused before saying, “I feel safe around you.”

Kylo inhaled a little too loudly, “You do?”

You nodded your head slowly as he started to sit up. Without saying anything but keeping his eye contact, he made his way towards the bed and you scooted over allowing him more space.

Raising an eyebrow at you, he started to crawl in but was waiting for your approval. Nodding a yes, he continued to get in until he was lying down. Joining him, you were now face to face on the bed.

“I’m sorry,” you said softly.

He reached his hand up and brushed some hair out of your face, “You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for.”

“I was being rude and-”

“Please, don’t. You have every right to be mad at me. These last few weeks, well, even these last few months haven’t been great.”

You shook your head, “No, they haven’t.”

“Are you okay?”

“Why do people keep asking me that?” you asked with a huff of defeat.

“Because,” he said slowly as he moved himself closer to you. “I can see it in your eyes. You’re hurting.”

You shut your eyes trying not to cry. This isn’t what you wanted right now. You didn’t want to cry in front of him. You didn’t want to tell him everything right now. You still needed time to process everything.

“Is it because of me?” he asked.

Your eyes fluttered open and one tear slipped out. He sighed sadly and wiped it away.

“I, I can’t believe I hurt you this bad,” Kylo said so softly it was almost a whisper. “I didn’t know you cared that much.”

“You’re an idiot if you didn’t know that,” you said with a small smile.

“I don’t know how I can make it better.”

You nodded and closed your eyes again and started to pull your face away from his hand, but he stopped you. His hand moved down, so he was gripping your hips and pulling you closer to him.

Opening your eyes, you looked into his golden eyes hidden behind his dark lashes. His face was screwed up in thought as he looked at you. Letting out another sigh, he opened his mouth.

“I’m sorry.”

Your eyes widened in shock. You weren’t expecting that at all. He’d never ever admitted that he was sorry to you before. At this point, it almost seemed like he was incapable of feeling sorry.

“I’m sorry for hurting you, both physically and emotionally. I’m sorry for ending things the way I did, it wasn’t right. I’m sorry for not being there for you when you needed me and when I needed you. I’m sorry-”

You cut him off when you leaned in and pressed your lips against his. A surprised gasp left him as he kissed you back. It was a slow gentle kiss, but it felt like you could finally breathe again.

Finally felt like you were whole again.

Not that you need him to feel like a person, but he helped ease the pain a bit.

“Thank you for apologizing,” you said softly as you rubbed a thumb back and forth across his cheekbones. “I really needed to hear that.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t say something sooner. I don’t, um, I don’t know how to say things sometimes. Or say how I’m feeling.”

You nodded encouraging him to continue talking. He sighed and pulled you closer to him so that your noses were touching now.

“I wish I could take it all back. Everything that happened.”

“It’s in the past,” you said as you moved your hand to run it through his hair. “We can only move forward from this.”

Tilting his head forwards, he rested his forehead against yours now and wrapped his arms around your body. It felt like he hadn’t held you like this in forever. Closing your eyes, you took in his scent and ran your hands up and down his exposed chest wanted to remind yourself that this was actually happening.

It didn’t feel real.

“Let’s get some sleep, baby,” he said as he left a kiss on your forehead.

You nodded and cuddled into him, but something was telling you to stop. Telling you that you needed to tell him.

The nagging feeling didn’t go away even after you cuddled more into him. Fuck. Guess that meant you were ripping off the band aid.

“Kylo?”

“Hmm?” he responded in a sleepy tone.

“Um, I have something to tell you.”

“What is it? Can it wait until-”

“No.”

At that, his eyes opened up and he looked at you waiting for an answer. You licked your lips nervously and inhaled before exhaling deeply trying to calm down.

“So, um, the last time we were training, and I was in pain, well, um,” you rambled as you tried to say it quickly. “So, I went to the medbay to get it check out, and um, well.”

His hand rubbed up and down your back, “Just tell me, it’s okay.”

You swallowed and shut your eyes letting out another heavy breath. Why was this so hard? You cared about him, he cared about you; he deserved to know. He had to know.

Had to know it was your fault.

“I, um, I was pregnant.” His eyes widened in shock and he opened his mouth, but you kept going, “But, I lost the baby and I just thought I should tell you.”

He was blinking quite fast trying to understand, “What…why didn’t you tell me-”

Before you could wimp out, you said softly “And it’s all my fault,” which made him open his mouth even wider in shock.


	35. Should Have Saved Myself

The bed was cold when he woke up the next morning.

Darkness hung about the room as Kylo sat up with a panicked feeling in his chest. Where were you? Why had you left him in here alone? Flinging the covers off of his warm half-clothed body, he instantly shivered as the cold air attacked his skin. Reaching for the sheet off of the bed, he wrapped it around himself as he walked towards the door. The hatch flew open and his groggy eyes looked around for your figure. You had to be in here somewhere.

The supplies bag that you had brought on the ship was sitting near the row of seats you sat in yesterday, but you weren’t sitting with it. But you must have moved it some time while he was sleeping. Paddling his bare feet across the floor, he wandered around the ship wondering how you could be hiding right under his nose.

He looked first in the other bedroom trying to rule out the obvious. It was empty and dark inside once he entered. Looking down at the ground, he could see your armor still sitting there on the ground. Frowning, he picked up the pieces and brought them back into the room the two of you had been sleeping in. Turning back around, he shivered as he walked out in the open space.

The harsh coldness of the metal floor stung his feet as his sleepy state still had control of him. Rubbing his eyes in an attempt to see clearer, he looked around the dark area. Stars in the sky that surrounded the ship gave off little to no light, which didn’t aid in his search. He couldn’t sense you, which concerned him. Normally, your presence was loud enough for him to hear you all the way from the other side of the Finalizer.

What time was it anyway? He really wouldn’t be able to tell unless he looked at a clock. Time didn’t seem to exist as the ship flew the endlessness of the galaxy. He figured it had to be the middle of the night since his body still felt so damn tired.

Tightening the black sheet around his body, he picked up his drowsy pace as he looked around for you. Desperate to hear you, he held his breath hoping that you’d make a noise loud enough so he could find you. But you didn’t.

Maybe you were upset about what had happened last night. Or upset about the lack of what had happened. Last night had been…well, he didn’t even know how to explain it.

He felt like he was in a trance the entire time. Your lips were moving, your face was scrunched up in pain, your body was trembling, and it was like he couldn’t hear a word you said. Could only see your face. Could see your body lying next to his.

He felt numb. Felt frozen. Felt nothing.

What was he supposed to say? He had never been all that good with his words. He didn’t know how to resolve things that way. He always just used his power and aggression. Talking about his feelings just wasn’t in his forte. This all just felt like one bad thing after the next.

He had only just apologized for all of the shit he had put you through. As in he was now only just admitting that he knew he was wrong. So how was he supposed to manage this news?

Finally, he had his girl back in his arms. Finally, he had some light in his life. And this is the first thing that happens to the two of you. It seemed like both of you could never catch a break.

You looked so broken as you told him, and he wished he could take away your pain. Wished he could absorb every ounce of suffering you’d endured. Wished he could have felt it all instead. Wished he could have been there for you when you needed him the most.

And you somehow thought it was your fault? This wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t anyone’s fault. If anything, he was the one to blame.

A baby. He couldn’t believe it. He had created something. Something precious and innocent and pure. Something that hadn’t been ruined by him yet. Something that had the chance of being good.

And it was created with someone that he lo-

…with someone that he cared about.

And now that chance was gone. How was he supposed to feel about it? The opportunity had been ripped away from the two of you before you even got to decide how to feel. It was all so unfair.

He had held your shaking body to his last night as he ran his hand up and down your back in a soothing manner. It was an attempt to calm you down, when in reality, he was the one freaking out on the inside. How was he supposed to feel about this?

Instead of saying something comforting towards you, he said nothing at all. Probably an idiotic move on his part. Was that why you were upset now? Is that why you left the bed in the middle of the night? He knew he should have had a conversation with you about it. But he didn’t.

He was scared. Felt lost. Felt alone even though you were right there.

Soft shallow breathing caught his attention as he made his way towards the control panel of the ship. Relief coursed through him as he moved towards the pilot’s chair. Turning the tall chair around to face him, he saw your curled-up body on the seat. The blanket from the bed was wrapped around your body as you quietly slept in the chair.

Even though the seat was oddly shaped and rock hard, you somehow looked comfortable in it. One arm was propped up on the armrest while the other was holding tightly to the blanket. Your eyelids moved sightly indicating that you were dreaming as your mouth hung open slightly.

You looked so perfect even while sleeping and it made Kylo’s stomach clench.

How was it possible to care about someone this much?

He realized only then that your mind was completely blank, therefore blocking him out from sensing you. Which then also blocked him out from reading your mind. This was something that you’d been doing lately which was extremely frustrating to him. He just wanted to make sure you were okay. But now he never knew unless he was near you.

Were you trying to shut yourself out on purpose? How did you even know how to do that?

He stared down at you as you slept peacefully. Maybe you had moved out here to look at the stars. Or to get away from him. Either way, he wasn’t going to let you stay in this uncomfortable position any longer than you needed to.

Letting out a sigh, Kylo bent down to scoop up your sleeping body. Your arms instinctively wrapped around his neck as your cheek rested against his chest. Your eyelashes brushed against his exposed skin making goosebumps erupt all over his body.

He would never understand how you affected him so easily. One touch from you, and he simply melted.

Getting back to the bedroom, he walked through the hatch and began to lay your body down on the bed still wrapped up in the blanket. Knowing that you probably didn’t want to be around him, Kylo reached up to detach your arms from around his neck. As he did this, your grip only tightened making him jolt slightly in surprise since he didn’t know you were awake.

“Stay,” you said softly as you gently pulled his body down towards you.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea-” he started to say but stopped when he saw your expression.

Your face scrunched up into a pout while your eyes were still closed as you continued pulling him down in encouragement. Kylo just shook his head and let you pull him onto the bed. Once he was lying on the bed, he wrapped his arms around you as your face nuzzled into his chest.

And it felt like he could breathe again.

The two of you were intertwined as you drifted back into sleep. Neither of you dreaming, only soaking in the feeling of being near each other. Soaking up the warmth of each other. And falling asleep to the sound of each other’s heartbeat.

He woke up to the feeling of your fingertips tracing his lips. While keeping his eyes closed, he pursed his lips and kissed your hand making you pull away quickly.

“Are you watching me sleep?” he asked in his morning voice.

His eyes fluttered open to see your face staring back at him with a blush on your cheeks looking like you’d just gotten caught.

“No…” you said biting your lip and avoiding his gaze.

“It’s alright if you do,” he said softly as he bent forward to rest his forehead against yours. Hesitantly, he said, “I miss waking up next to you.”

Your eyes shut as you wrapped your arms around his neck, “I miss it too.”

A soft smile fell over his face as he held you close. The two of you lied there in silence just enjoying spending the moment together. Soon, you’d need to get up and start getting ready for the mission. But for now, you could just enjoy the time you had now.

When the time came, Kylo pulled himself away from your grip and grabbed food for the two of you that was stored in the ship. Resting his back against the headboard, you sat in between his extended legs and leaned your back to his chest. The two of you ate in silence mentally preparing for what was to come.

You were the first to get up and you started pulling on your armor that was sitting on the floor. He watched you momentarily admiring your careful movements as you situated all of the bulky armor in place. Looking up, you caught him staring and he looked away and got off the bed to dress himself.

Once you were ready, you walked out of the room leaving him alone. He dressed as fast as he could and left the bedroom to find you up near the control panel looking out at the stars.

“I love looking out at the stars,” you said softly as you gazed longingly out into the galaxy. “It’s just so beautiful.”

His eyes didn’t leave your face as he said, “Yes, it is.”

Leaning against the panel of glowing buttons, you sighed in contentment as you observed the stars. Kylo watched you as you admired the view before shaking his head slightly and sitting down in the pilot’s chair.

Looking down at the current coordinates, he realized that you’d be arriving soon. The other shuttles with the rest of the troopers were not far behind. Hitting a few buttons and adjusting the navigation, he started preparing for descent onto the planet.

“So, what’s the goal of this mission?” you asked while settling back into your chair and looking at him with curiosity.

“The Supreme Leader wants control of the planet. Hux will be going in and-”

“Negotiating some ‘deal’, right?” you asked with raised eyebrows. “And then we blow everything up in the process?”

He smirked at your words, “Yes, essentially.”

“Why even try coming to an agreement if we’re planning on killing them all anyway?”

“We don’t want to kill them all, we need to scare them into following our ruling.”

You frowned and leaned back further into your seat with a slouch, “Seems like a lot of unnecessary dying if you ask me.”

“That’s what we do, baby,” he replied looking over at you with a glint in his eye.

You just rolled your eyes with a small smile and looked back out at the stars. The planet was in full view now and Kylo began the process of breaking through the atmosphere so he could land.

The planet was well populated from what he could see, meaning that finding an empty spot for all of the ships would be difficult. You must have sensed his slight panic because you sat up higher and pointed off to the left.

“What about over there? All of the ships would fit there.”

Following your finger, he nodded in approval and aimed to land the ship in that direction. Everything began to rumble slightly as it slowed down for landing and you gripped the chair harshly. He looked over to see your worried face and he pried your hand from the armrest to interlock your fingers together. Your hand was shaking slightly, and he rubbed his thumb back and forth over your hand trying to soothe your nerves. Closing your eyes, you breathed deeply in and out as the ship finally landed firmly on the ground.

Standing up slowly still gripping your hand, Kylo tugged you along so the two of you could exit the ship. You followed behind him as he made his way towards the ramp to exit. He released your hand only to grab your helmet. Standing before you, he bent down to lay a soft kiss to your forehead before he put your helmet on.

Grabbing his own, he slipped it on as you went to get your supplies bag. Back at his side, he nodded at you before hitting the button to open the door and lower the ramp. Exiting first, you walked behind him keeping your distance. This ship was the first to land and the two of you stood waiting for the rest of the ships to land.

As if all operating on at the same time, the shuttles landed and rows of stormtroopers filed out towards the open field behind you. Kylo saw Hux and Phasma holding up the back and they made their way up towards him. The troops were lined up waiting for a command as they stood at the ready holding their blasters.

Captain Phasma was the first to approach Kylo as she gave a curt nod to you. In response, you nodded back but kept your position of standing near him, which he liked. He liked knowing where you were. Liked knowing you were safe.

The sky was clouded with smoke as he looked around at the new city they had just landed in. These missions were never that exciting, not for him at least. They mostly consisted of him listening to Hux try to settle a deal, the deal ending poorly, and then slicing everyone in half as the outcome. It was normal to him and rather boring. But now he had something else to worry about.

More like, someone else.

The panic he had felt as he searched for you after that explosion on the last mission was unlike anything he had felt before. He wasn’t used to caring about someone like this, especially not in this setting. It had been a long time since he was more concerned about someone else’s safety other than his own.

The General made his way through the crowd with the usual glare on his face as he approached the group huddled. He looked rather annoyed already which made everyone else feel on edge.

“Commander,” he said with a nod towards Kylo. He looked over at you and with a disgusted look, he spat, “What is she doing up here?”

“You know why she’s here,” Phasma said turning her silver helmet towards Hux. “Drop the attitude and let’s go.”

Hux just rolled his eyes at her and motioned for the troops to follow him as he started moving forward. Kylo looked towards you and saw that you were moving with everyone else. He hoped that the constant nagging and rudeness of Hux wasn’t too much for you to handle. It was enough to drive anyone wild. 

The only sound around them was the thumping of boots walking in sync with each other as they moved towards the heart of the city. Phasma was directing troops to split up around the city wrapping around the main building to enclose them. The medic troops were split up to go with each squadron and Kylo made sure you stayed with him. He wasn’t risking losing you now.

Your mind was still blank and blocking out him reading it, but having you close eased some of his worries. After training with you, he knew you were fully capable. It didn’t mean he thought you were ready for what was to come. You were still new to all of this after all. Compared to all of the training that he, Phasma, Hux, and the other troopers had gone through, you weren’t nearly prepared enough.

He just had to trust that you were ready.

Hux left the group with a few other troopers to head into the building to start the negotiating. Kylo took the time to get a feel for the environment that they were in. It was well populated meaning there would probably be a lot of lives lost in the process.

Most of them walking by seemed to fear the hoard of soldiers in white uniforms and were backing away. Gripping onto his lightsaber, Kylo unclipped it from his belt and ignited it startling some of those around him.

That feeling would never get old. The feeling of making people fear him.

He looked towards you and watched as you were setting up your supplies bag while also checking that your blaster was ready. Scanning the area quickly, he walked over to you when he saw that no one was looking towards the two of you.

“You’ll stay by my side, yes?”

You looked up at him from your crouched over position and tilted your head to the side, “That didn’t work out great for us last time.”

Kylo paused, “No, but there aren’t explosives being sent our way right now.”

“That you know of,” you replied as you started to stand up. “I’ll be fine.”

“Just stay near me,” he said back with a tone of authority.

Picking up on the shift in his voice, you put your hands on your hips, “Commander, I’ll be perfectly fine. You do your job and I’ll do mine.”

He flexed his hands in frustration as he took a step closer to you, “I can’t sense you since you keep blocking me out. I can’t tell where you are-”

“Can’t you just trust that I’ll be fine?” you replied with annoyance as you reached for your blaster to hold it out at the ready. “I won’t go too far away-”

“I can’t watch you all the time if you leave my side-”

“I never asked you to,” you replied back clearly getting more agitated.

“I just want-” Kylo started but was cut off when a round of shots went off near the capital building up ahead.

The both of you ducked down and looked around to see who had fired off the first shots. It was the city’s guards from the top of the building. Kylo could see Hux just exiting the front doors of the building with his weapon out at the ready already firing off at those shooting at him. Groaning, the Commander decided to trust you and ran forward towards the chaos.

Saber at the ready, he started to easily slice through the guards as they came pouring out of the front doors and from the surrounding buildings. They were obviously ready for the attack, but they weren’t prepared for what they had coming towards them.

Without even looking in their direction, Kylo started causing the guards to fly across the space with a simple flick of his wrist. Deciding to have some fun with it, he held a few up in a chokehold while they squirmed around gasping for air before he'd drop them to the ground. 

He was turning around swinging his saber while stabbing into people, slicing heads off, and strangling them to death. So, really it was like any other mission.

Except he found himself constantly looking over in your direction making sure you were okay. From what he could see, you seemed to be handling things alright. Staying crouched down behind some rubble that had fallen down, you were shooting at the guards while scanning the area looking for injured stormtroopers.

Deciding you were doing fine, Kylo moved up even closer to where Hux was hoping to eliminate the guards up towards the front. The General was holding his own and taking out people as they came towards him. He knew Phasma was fine wherever she was, he never had to think twice about her capabilities.

A loud sound crackled through the air as bombs started being released from above. Fuck. Troopers started aiming their fire upwards, but he knew it was simply a distraction as more guards came out of the building. How did they have so many people? And what the hell did Hux do to piss them off this bad?

Looking around in worry, he saw you already out with your supplies helping the people who had gotten hurt by the bombs. Shaking his head, he continued on with his killing rage determined to take these people out so he could get out of there. This needed to end so that he could grab you and leave.

It felt like everything was moving in slow motion and it was probably at least an hour before the small bombs that were being dropped from above stopped. Nearly all of their guards had been killed and they were lying around in piles on the ground. Smoke, ashes, and screams filled the air. Kylo tuned most of it out while in the middle of the fight so he wouldn’t get distracted, but it was all hitting him now. 

The open city space that was once bustling with villagers, was now nearly empty except for the troopers standing around waiting for an order. Looking around, he saw that a group of people in uniform had started to gather in a circle, probably talking to each other about what to do. Hunched over to catch his breath, he watched as the emblem for the First Order got hung proudly on the front of the capitol building.

Yet another victory.

He heard a commotion from above and he turned his head upwards only to see a few of the city's guards crouched down. Tilting his head to the side in confusion, it slowly dawned on him what was happening. 

They were planning another attack. And now there was a large group of troopers all in one area for them to get to. Whipping his head around to see the group, he saw that you were on the ground in the middle of it with other medics helping the wounded. Of course, you were. Letting out a yell of rage he started running towards the group flinging the troopers to the side, so they weren’t in the way.

The guards from above saw the commotion and Kylo watched as they hit the button that would trigger the final big explosion. The stormtroopers must have finally realized what was happening because they started running back towards the ships. But you weren’t looking around to see what was happening. 

You weren't ready.

He reached you just in time to yank your body up and out of the way. The two of you had only just started to move before the bomb dropped and caused the two of you to get tossed into the air.

He heard you yelling at him about the troopers who had been lying there, but he didn’t care. Grabbing you, he pulled you towards the ship as you yelled and kicked at him trying and get back to the wounded who were still on the ground.

“Enough,” he snarled as he turned around to face you. “Get on the ship now.”

“I need to-”

“Now,” he said as he nearly threw you up the ramp and into the ship.

Walking up behind you, Kylo yelled out curse after curse as he shut the hatch behind him. You were pacing around the space looking like you were ready to strangle someone just from your body movements.

Moving past you and knocking his shoulder into yours, he got to the control panel and started up the ship. He didn’t bother letting you know that the ship was taking off as it shook to life. Soon enough, the city was getting smaller and smaller through the window as the ship took off into space. Once it was back and on track to head back to the Finalizer, Kylo got up out of the chair and walked back to you.

“Why the fuck weren’t you paying attention out there?” he growled at you once he reached your side.

“I was doing my job, dammit,” you said back at him while you threw your helmet off in frustration.

“You could have gotten hurt,” he said as he took his helmet off quickly and let it fall to the floor with a thud. “You should have just stayed close to me like I told you to-”

“Oh, fuck off!” you yelled back pointing a finger up at him. “I’m fully trained and ready for this-”

He snarled back as he started to walk towards the bedroom, “No, you’re not! You nearly got killed by that blast-”

“But I didn’t! You got me out of the way,” you said back as you followed him into the room.

The hatch shut closed and Kylo started to take off his blood-covered gloves, “Why were you worried about saving their life when you should have been worried about-”

You scoffed at him as you started taking off your own armor, “You’re saying that I should have saved myself and them all die?”

He gave you a sour look as he detached his cape and started undoing his own armor, “I’m saying, you should have been more careful and shouldn’t try to save everyone. You can’t save-”

“I never said I could!” you shouted back as you stood in just your underlayer of clothing now. Rolling your eyes dramatically, you started undressing yourself, “You’re unbelievable.”

“Me?” he yelled back as he started stripping his clothes off to join the pile of clothing and armor on the floor. “You’re the impossible one. You won’t even stop and think before you do something rash.”

Standing in only your bra and underwear now, you walked over to the shower and turned it on, “Oh that’s rich coming from you. You’re the king of rash decisions! You blow up all the time and-”

“I have every right to get angry!” he snarled back as he walked over to stand behind you in just his underwear.

You stripped down entirely and got underneath the hot water and he quickly followed in after you. Fuming with rage, he watched as you grabbed for the shampoo, but he quickly picked up first and held it out of reach.

“Give me that,” you said as you reached for it.

“No, wait your turn,” he said back as he started squeezing the bottle.

“Stop it, give me the bottle.”

Kylo just smirked at you as he looked down at your soaking wet body, “No, you need to wait.”

You rolled your eyes and turned away from him to reach for the body wash. Creating bubbles with the wash, he watched as you started washing away the dirt and grime from the day that coated you. Trying to avoid staring at your glistening naked body, Kylo kept to washing his hair that had become matted and covered in dirt.

“Are you done yet?” you asked looking up at him holding out a hand and waiting.

“Yes,” he said with an eye roll as he grabbed the conditioner. “You’re so bossy.”

“I’m bossy? Really?” you said back with a scrunched-up face. “Give me the shampoo, Ky, seriously.”

“Ky?” he asked in surprise at the nickname. He liked it, “That’s what you’re calling me now?”

Jumping up now to try and yank it away from him, you nearly slipped on the wet tiles and he caught you at the last minute. His hands gripped your hips to steady you and he only then noticed how quickly your chest was moving. You were breathing so fast and staring right up at him. Licking your lips, you looked in between his lips and his eyes. Like you were waiting for something to happen.

Did you want something to happen? Did he want something to happen?

Then you suddenly grabbed the bottle from him since he was distracted. With a satisfied smirk, you began lathering the shampoo into your hair. Kylo just chuckled and shook his head as he applied conditioner. 

The two of you finished showering in silence and he shut off the water after you got out. Grabbing a towel for yourself, you walked back into the bedroom and he followed you. 

You dried off your body while standing there glaring at him. Sticking your tongue out at him, you grabbed one of his sweaters that was in the dresser and pulled it on over your head. It was massive on you making Kylo smirk at the sight. You looked so damn cute that he couldn’t keep up the façade that he was mad because he wasn’t anymore.

“What’s so funny?” you asked while folding your arms over your chest.

“Nothing,” he replied while taking the towel off from around his waist and reached for a pair of underwear.

You just scoffed at him and pulled on a pair of underwear before throwing your towel at him. He caught it and just shook his head in amusement as he watched you walk over to the bed still looking grumpy as you crawled underneath the covers.

Walking over and hanging up both of your towels, he moved over to the bed and lifted up the covers. Sliding underneath them, he looked over at your body which was facing away from him. Were you actually upset at him? He was just worried about your safety. He didn’t want you to get hurt.

Silence hung in the air for over an hour, the only noise was the sound of both of your breaths. Both of you were still awake even though the two of you had your eyes closed pretending to be asleep. It was you who broke the silence first.

“Are you still awake?” you whispered quietly.

Kylo turned his head over to see that you had rolled over to face him and he nodded. Gazing into your eyes, he reached an arm out hesitantly and you immediately scooted over to him. A sigh of relief left him when your leg wrapped over his own and your arm held tight around his waist. One of his arms held your back while the other rested on top of your extended arm.

Kissing your still damp head, he nuzzled his head into you inhaling your scent. It instantly made him feel safe and comforted. What that meant, he didn’t know, but he wasn’t going to question it.

“Are you still mad at me?” you asked in a muffled voice since your face was pressed up against his chest.

“No,” he replied. “I just worry about you.”

“I know, baby,” you replied gently as you tightened your grip around him. "I worry about you, too."

His breath caught at your words. You probably didn’t even notice you had said them, but he knew he didn’t need to bring attention to it. It was nice to hear you say it again. It had been so long since you called him that. 

“Let’s get some sleep,” he said as he pulled your body even closer to his so that you were nearly lying on top of him.

You yawned and nodded sleepily as you left a soft kiss against his chest. Each touch from you felt like heaven and he hoped he would always get to feel it. Hoped he would always get to be around you to receive your touch and affection.

He hoped you’d always be there, even after you found out the truth.


	36. Want to Play?

Sitting there, you felt like you were buzzing with anxiety and the ever-present burden of making a choice.

All of your senses were heightened as you sat on the edge of your seat. The metal floor beneath you chilled your skin as your bare foot bounced up down in rapid thought. It felt like your brain was working overtime trying to come up with something. Squeezing your eyes closed, you paused to think, hoping that you’d think of what to do. A move to play. A path to pick. A way out of this.

Taking a deep breath in, you opened your eyes to stare straight ahead into his deep chocolate eyes that bore back into yours. He blinked slowly and you watched as if you were in a trance as his long dark eyelashes touched the smooth skin under his captivating eyes.

He was waiting. Waiting for you.

“How?” you asked quietly not breaking your intense stare.

Raising in eyebrow in question, Kylo simply hummed in response.

“How are you doing this?” you asked allowing your leg to bounce faster in anticipation.

He folded his arms across his broad chest and leaned back in his seat as he kept his eyes on you. His torso was free of a shirt and the dull lighting inside of the ship made his protruding muscles stand out even more with the dark shadows that were cast down. His eyes narrowed as he ignored your question.

You dared your eyes to look over him but scolded yourself when you knew you’d been looking for too long. Staring at him would only distract you, so you instead focused your gaze down at the table between you.

“You have to be cheating,” you said flatly as you glared downwards.

Kylo scoffed loudly, “I’m not.”

The air throughout the ship felt extra cold and it was making your body tremble and goosebumps erupted over your mostly bare skin. The added irritation that was bubbling up inside of you wasn’t helping you feel any better about the situation.

You were on edge.

All you had on was his massive sweater and a pair of his boxers that you’d slept in the night before. He was only in loose pants that hung lowly on his hips. You wondered how he wasn’t shivering from the cold draft, and your eyes drifted back up towards his skin. It seemed like it was nearly glowing. He smirked when he caught you staring, and you quickly darted your eyes back down with a scowl on your face.

You reached out to point in front of you with a frown, “Well, then what’s this? Looks like cheating to me.”

He shook his head in frustration, “You’re being overdramatic,” he said looking to where your finger was pointing. “You’re taking this all wrong.”

“Oh, so it’s my fault that this is happening. You’re just fucking with me.”

A deep rumble of a chuckle came from him as he tried to hide his amusement, “Baby, I’m not.”

Narrowing your eyes, you glared at him, “Don’t ‘baby’ me. Are you making fun of me?”

“No, I’m not.”

“Well, then why are you smiling at me like that?” you asked with a huff starting to feel more agitated. “And how the hell are you so good at this?”

“Good at what?” Kylo replied trying to feign innocence as he smirked at you. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You’re being a little bitch. This isn’t fair.”

He just shook his head and ran a hand through his long dark hair, “I’ve been playing this for a long time. I promise I’m not cheating.”

The glowing board in between the two of you sat waiting for you to make a move. But you were stumped. You’d done all the right moves. Followed all the steps. So, how was it still going so poorly? Again.

Leaning against the board, you rested your chin in the palm of your hand while you stared with the hopeful thought that you’d come up with a good move. His players had you cornered, and it wasn’t looking great for you. Until you noticed an opening.

A triumphant smile spread over your face as you had one of your monsters move positions. Kylo immediately smirked after your move and you frowned in response. He must be able to see something that you couldn’t. How was he so damn good at this?

You knew that look. That was his victory look. He knew he was going to win.

“How do you keep winning?” you asked pointing an accusing finger up at him. “Kori taught me how to play this and I always beat her at it.”

“Well, maybe she’s not that good to begin with,” he said with a casual shrug as he leaned over the board. “Or maybe, she’s a bad teacher,” he replied while deciding where to make his next move. His face lit up as his eyes settled on a place before he gave you a smug smile, “Or maybe, you’re just a bad student.”

You watched as his player moved to take out the last of your pieces, meaning he had won…again. The hologram monsters on the board were making a bunch of noise with their victory and you folded your arms across your chest in defeat. Kylo gave you a big victorious smile and reached out for your hand but you lightly slapped his hand away.

“Cheater,” you said with a pout as you folded your arms across your chest.

Shaking his head with a smile still, he said “Don’t sulk.”

“I just lost, for like the hundredth time,” you replied dramatically throwing your hands up.

“That’s a bit of an exaggeration, don’t you think?” he asked while trying to reach across and grab your hand again, but you kept avoiding him.

Your frown deepened as you looked down at the game board that was full of mostly his pieces and not yours. Every single damn time you played a round of dejarik with him, he beat you. No matter how many times you tried. It wasn’t fair.

His large hand finally swallowed yours and he pulled you up from your seated position. Whining, you allowed him to drag you up and out of your spot in the booth. You let him get you onto his lap and he wrapped his chilled exposed arms around you. Crossing your arms over your chest, you craned your neck to look at him to see his gloating face.

“Not fair,” you said pouting at him hoping he’d pity you.

“I played by the rules,” he said trying to hold back a laugh. “I won fair and square.”

“Well, you’re old, and that gives you an unfair advantage.”

His mouth fell open, “Old? Ouch, that hurt.”

“It was meant to hurt, you meanie. You hurt my feelings.”

He raised his eyebrows, “Feelings? I didn’t know you had those.”

“Ha ha,” you replied squinting your eyes back at him as you craned your neck further to glare at him properly. “That’s rich coming from you.”

Kylo released one hand that was around you to clutch his heart dramatically, “Help, I’ve been wounded,” he said starting to loudly gasp. “Shot right to the heart.”

Rolling your eyes, you just laughed at him, “Oh, stop it.”

“I’m bleeding profusely,” he said hoarsely as he grabbed your hand and placed it over his heart. “It’s broken, can’t you feel it?” he whined at you with big pleading eyes. “I need a medic, I’ve been shot.”

“That’s too bad,” you said pulling your hand away from him. “I’m off duty.”

“I’m going to bleed out,” he said gasping even louder this time.

You just slapped his chest making him snicker, “You’re the biggest drama queen I’ve ever met.”

Tightening his arms around you, he pulled you closer to him, “Oh, really?”

You nodded with a smirk, “Yeah.”

Kylo just hummed in response and nuzzled his head into your neck. The holographic monsters that cried out from the board below you were the only sounds that echoed through the ship as it soared smoothly through the galaxy headed back to the Finalizer.

You weren’t ready to go back, but you knew you didn’t have another choice. Where else was there to go?

Untangling your arms, you instead hugged them around his neck and allowed your hand to softly comb through his hair. This is what you had done this morning as the two of you laid in bed together. Legs tangled up and the sheets wrapped around carelessly, you had allowed yourself to just be. Just be there with him.

After eating something for breakfast and checking the coordinates to make sure you were still on track, the two of you had wandered around the ship and Kylo gave you a mini tour. He was actually being super touchy and needy all morning, which you weren’t complaining about. He’d never been like this before, but maybe it was because you two were finally truly alone.

You didn’t have to worry about anyone or anything else. It was just the two of you.

So while you walked around, he kept an arm around you. Or kept a hand touching you somewhere. You were constantly rubbing your arms or shivering from the temperature and he kept insisting that you wear more of his clothing so that you could be warmer. But you liked the excuse to cuddle up to him from feeling chilled. It just felt nice.

The ship was pretty normal compared to what you’d been in before. You’d seen the pilot’s seat and the dashboard plenty of times. The glowing knobs were just a pretty as the first time you’d seen them. The view from those seats was the best part though, in your opinion. The stars just looked so captivating and pretty.

There was a lot of storage on the ship holding various items that might be needed for missions. Overnight supplies, spare food, materials to set up a makeshift camp, countless weapons, and even extra clothing. It was all nicely organized and packed away. Kylo pointed out which things were actually useful and told you about some of his past missions he’d been on. You listened intently as he relived his old memories.

Overall, the ship was rather dark inside with hints of red lighting, so it was a little difficult to see things. And it wasn’t that big, so once you thought you’d seen everything, you were ready to cuddle up with him in bed and just relax.

But then you noticed it. Even though there were storage bins that looked strategically placed in front of it, you somehow still spotted it. There was a dejarik board hidden in the back corner almost like it was meant to be tucked away. A booth surrounded it and you stared in wonder and slight amusement at the sight. You hadn’t played in years.

“Is that what I think it is?” you had asked as you tightened your grip around his arm.

He nodded, “Yes, although I haven’t played it in a long time.”

“I haven’t either. I didn’t even know you had it on here.”

Kylo nodded again as he stared at it seemingly lost in thought. It looked like his mind was traveling at a thousand lightspeeds a second. You reached up to grab his chin and make him look down at you. There was a certain type of sadness in his eyes, you just didn’t know why.

“What’s on your mind?” you had asked him softly as you rubbed your thumb across his chin.

His hand had reached up to grab your wrist as he held your hand there, “Just memories.”

“Good ones?”

He shrugged his shoulders as he pulled your hand away, “Some.”

You scrunched up your face in question hoping he would elaborate, but he didn’t. Not wanting to push him, you just nodded and started to pull him towards the booth. You hadn’t played since you’d gone to school to become a medic. Well, actually it might not have been since you were a kid.

“Do you want to play?”

He looked hesitantly at the board and then back at you seeming to be fighting with himself. You weren’t sure why he was being weird about it. The game wasn’t as popular anymore, sure, but why wouldn’t he want to play it? What was holding him back?

“I’ll even go easy on you,” you said lightly trying to get him to smile.

His lips turned upwards slightly but immediately went back to a flat line in concentration. His hand was gripping yours tightly as he just looked at the empty playing board. You were trying to piece together what was running through his head right now. What was he thinking about?

“Please?”

He turned his head to you to see your hopeful expression and finally caved, “Okay, one game.”

You jumped up in excitement and gave him a quick peck on the lips before scrambling into the freezing cold booth. Kylo sat opposite of you as he turned on the board and it rattled a bit before blinking on. Holographic images of various monsters appeared all over the board and your faces lit up from the dull glow. You smiled as you watched everything happening. It felt like you were a kid again.

“Do you remember how to play?” you had asked him.

The faint blue from the board danced upon his features as he looked up towards you, “I think so.”

“Okay, you can go first.”

In the next 20 minutes that followed your words, you had quickly realized that not only did Kylo remember how to play, but he was really fucking good at it. Almost too good. Almost like he had spent his whole childhood playing it or something.

Each move was methodical and well-thought out. As hard as you tried or as much as you tried to plan your moves ahead, he was always still a step ahead of you. Round after round, you lost to him. Each time insisting that you’d beat him in the next game and that he had to play again. As time went on, he began to loosen up about it all and started to smile more as he relaxed. You didn’t even care about winning at this, you just wanted him to be happy.

And he seemed happy. Truly happy. This may have been when you saw him give you the most genuine smiles, and it made your heart pang with a deep feeling. 

Was it...no, it couldn't be. Was it something more? Was he feeling the same way? You weren't sure, all you knew was that you wanted this feeling to last forever.

After countless games of you losing, you finally caved and gave up realizing you were never going to beat him. Which brought you to where the two of you were now as he held you close. You could feel his eyelashes brush against your neck as he rested his head on your shoulder.

Your stomach grumbled slightly, and you asked, “Do we have any more good snacks?”

Lifting his head up, he looked at you with a smirk, “Am I not enough of a snack?”

Shaking your head, you just laughed at him, “No baby, you’re a whole god damn meal.”

Kylo laughed heartily in response as he slid out from the booth and kept his arms wrapped tightly around you. Walking across the metal flooring while carrying you, he reached the control panels and set you down on the floor lightly. Nearly hissing from how cold the floor was, you jumped back up onto him and he caught you in surprise.

“What? What is it?”

“Cold,” you whined as you scrunched your feet up.

“Baby, I told you to put on more clothing.”

“Just hold me.”

“I can’t grab the food if I’m holding you.”

“Well, then-”

He interrupted you, “I’ll set you in the seat. Is that okay?”

You nodded in response and he walked over and lowered you down. Curling up your feet to avoid the shock to your system again, you sat there waiting for him. He moved over towards a storage cabinet and grabbed a bag of snacks that were in a sealed bag. Heading back to you, he opened it up and reached inside to grab one.

You smiled sweetly and opened your mouth waiting for him. Raising his eyebrows, he just shook his head and moved until he could pop the snack into your mouth. You caught it and chewed trying to figure out what it was. It was sweet but salty, but you weren’t quite sure what it was. Maybe some sort of protein ball? Kylo fed himself one and you watched him intently as he stared at you.

He seemed amused as you opened your mouth yet again waiting for him to feed you. Rolling his eyes, he reached inside the bag again and moved closer to feed you. This time though, you grabbed his wrist when it was close and you pulled him to you.

Keeping a hold of his hand, you grabbed the snack from his fingers with your teeth and chewed slowly. You then reached out your tongue to clean off his fingers. His breath caught in his throat as you sucked two of his fingers into your mouth. Looking up at him standing above, you bat your eyelashes as you swirled your tongue around the pads of his fingers. His mouth was open as he watched your mouth work.

Nothing like this had happened between the two of you in so long. And you felt like you were starving for him. To be fair, the opportunity hadn’t really presented itself, but you also hadn’t initiated anything. And neither had he.

The two of you were still navigating whatever the fuck this was. Truthfully, you still didn’t know what it was. Maybe you would never know. All you knew was that you wanted him. You needed him. You craved him.

Releasing his fingers, you pulled his hand away, “Thanks for the snack.”

“Anytime baby,” he said as he set the bag down on the console and moved closer to you. Leaning down so his lips were near your ear, he whispered, “But I think I have a better use for my fingers than that.”

A chill ran through you as he slowly stood back up with a wicked look in his eyes. Clearing your throat, you licked your lips as you reached to pull his head back down towards you. He bent over allowing you to whisper into his ear now.

“Well, I think I have a better use for my mouth than that.”

Kylo let out a low moan as your hand reached out and started to caress his chest. Goosebumps popped up all over his skin as you slowly moved your hand down his torso until you reached the band of his pants. He was breathing heavily now as he waited for you to make the first move.

Having fun with it, you sat up higher in the chair and pressed your lips in the crook of his neck. Leaving hot wet kisses along his smooth skin, you dared your hand to move lower. You kept moving it until you found his growing bulge and you let it rest over top of it. Biting at his skin lightly, you began rubbing your hand back and forth over his cock feeling it harden quickly beneath your grip. Smiling, you suddenly pulled both your mouth and hand away from his body. 

“Too bad I don’t feel like doing anything with my mouth right now,” you said with a dramatic shoulder shrug. “I’m a bit too tired.”

Kylo stared down at you in disbelief, and before you could think to move a muscle, his hand reached out to wrap around your neck. You gulped against him as he pulled you up to a standing position out of the chair. Turning you around quickly, he pushed you up against the dash forcing you to sit down on it.

“Think you can be a little tease?” he asked as he pressed his hard center against you spreading your legs open.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you said as you pushed your body into his just as hard and moved your hips against his.

“Don’t test me,” he growled back in warning.

“Or what?”

The minute the words left your mouth, he picked you up and slung your body over his shoulder. Flashbacks to when he did this months ago rang through your memory as he started moving towards the bedroom in long strides. Back then, you had been terrified of his punishment since you had been caught snooping around his quarters. But now you were just excited and ready to see what he would do.

His hand reached up and slapped your ass harshly and you cried out from the satisfying burn of pain. It was like a fire had been ignited beneath you. It was burning wildly and the only thing that could put it out now was him.

Walking through the doorway to the bedroom, the hatch closed loudly behind him and he literally threw you onto the bed. Your body bounced on the mattress and he immediately walked closer as you sat up quickly.

“Lay down,” he said with a warning.

“Get over here and make me,” you replied as you stayed sitting up.

He raised an eyebrow at your defiance and crawled onto the bed and pushed you down. You squirmed beneath him and he pinned your arms above your head.

“Feisty today, aren’t we?” he said as his lips attached to your neck.

“Don’t know what you’re talking about,” you said while still trying to move away from him.

“I guess me beating you in chess time and time again got you all flustered, didn’t it baby?”

“No,” you pouted back. “I’m not flustered.”

He kept his harsh grip as he left wet kisses along your neck and up towards your jaw as he hummed in response. His soft lips were inches away from yours now but he wouldn’t quite kiss you. Purposely driving you mad, he then pressed his hard erection against you and your legs wrapped around him.

“That’s too bad,” he said as he moved his mouth away from you. “Thought I could help you out a bit with that.”

Moving his mouth around, he bit and licked all over your exposed neck but kept avoiding your lips. You kept trying to kiss him, but he purposely dodged your advances. All the while the two of you ground your hips against each other trying to ease the tension between you.

You whined at him, “Dammit, just kiss me Kylo.”

He laughed at your frustration and bent down to connect your lips. The second he did, you sucked in a breath from the intensity of it. His hold of your wrists released as he moved his hands down your body. Your hands instantly went to his hair and you pulled against it harshly. Kylo moaned into the kiss from the pain and he bit your lip harshly in response.

You could feel your stomach clenching with anticipation as he ground his bulge into you hitting in just the right spot to make your cunt burn. Breaking your hands away from his hair, you moved your hands down his back and you started pulling down his pants. You couldn’t take the teasing any longer. You needed to have him now.

Picking up your movements, he broke the kiss momentarily to pull his pants down enough so that his erection could be free. Pushing the boxers you were wearing to the side just enough to expose your dripping center, you looked at him impatiently. Everything was moving so fast, but you were desperate to feel him inside of you. He gripped his cock and he rubbed the tip up and down your folds making you whine. You were nearly soaked at this point and you moved your hips in encouragement.

“Please baby, I need to feel you,” you groaned as your nails dug into his back.

“How bad do you want it?” he asked between heavy breaths as he teased you even more.

“So bad, please,” you pleaded with him.

“You can do better than that, honey,” he said as he gave you a satisfied smirk as he almost pushed himself in, but not quite.

“Please, fuck me. Please, I need you right-”

Before you could finish your plea, he shoved himself inside and you both moaned at the feeling. It had been so damn long, and you missed being filled up by him. You stretched around him as he started moving his hips slowly until he was all the way inside of you.

“You feel so good,” he said roughly as he connected his lips with yours again.

Your nails dragged up his back as he slowly started moving his hips in and out in slow pumps. You kissed him back passionately hoping it would encourage him to move faster. But he kept up the slow pace and it wasn’t enough. You needed more of him.

“Harder, please Kylo.”

He groaned loudly as he pulled his hips back nearly pulling all the way out before he slammed into you harshly. You cried out from the impact as he repeated the same movement. He kept up the rough thrusts and he started to finally pick up his pace. You felt yourself starting to sweat since you were still wearing the clothes you’d been in all morning.

Using all the strength you had, you managed to push him off of you so that you could roll over and get on top of him. Gripping the hem of the sweater, you ripped it off and over your head. His hands immediately went to grip your exposed breasts as you ground your hips into him. Moving in a slow circular motion, you closed your eyes and allowed your head to fall back from the feeling.

He was so deep inside of you that he kept hitting just the right spot with every rotation of your body. His hands smoothed up and down your sides and then landed on your hips to assist your movements. Resting your hands upon his chest for leverage, you picked up your pace and let out a loud moan as the pressure began building up inside of you.

“I missed this,” you said airily as you bent over to kiss along his neck. “I’ve missed you being inside of me.”

“Fuck, me too baby,” Kylo responded as his hands gripped your ass. Smacking it loudly, he moved his face to start kissing you, “Such a good girl.”

Fuck.

You swore that you somehow got even wetter from his words as your hips ground into him even faster. He was panting loudly as he suddenly pushed you off of him until and he flipped you onto your back.

Getting off of the bed, he pulled off his pants so that he was naked, and he crawled back over you. Gripping the band of the boxers that you had on, he nearly ripped them off of your body before he spread your legs wide open.

Practically diving headfirst, he attached his lips directly to your clit and you cried out in pleasure. Your legs wrapped around his head and your fingers dug into his hair. He ate you out aggressively and you couldn’t hold back your moans and pleas for him to go faster. He slipped two fingers inside of you making you gasp beneath him. 

Everything was spinning and your head was clouded as you neared your orgasm quickly. You were almost there and as he started to nibble and suck on your folds, you almost came. But he pulled away and you yelled out begging him to keep going.

He quieted you instantly by lining himself up and ramming himself back into you. He moved a hand to start rubbing quick circles on your clit. Kylo was pounding into you now and you were so damn close to your release. Your legs began to shake with your impending orgasm and your eyesight was going blurry.

“Fuck baby, fuck I’m so close.”

“Yeah? Come for me,” he replied as he kept up the pace of his hips while moving his fingers quicker. “Come for me baby, I need to feel you squeezing around me.”

At his words, your orgasm smacked into you and you clenched around him as a scream left your body. Kylo quickly came after you and he collapsed down onto you and kissed you through your high. Your entire body trembled beneath him as you wrapped your arms around him to kiss him back.

The two of you stayed there like that as your breathing calmed down. He stayed inside of you as he softened and eventually, he rolled over so that you were on top of him.

You felt so calm and content. Feeling him inside of you and having his arms wrapped around your body, you felt at peace.

A while later, he finally urged you to get up so the two of you could clean up. Then you crawled right back into bed with him and curled your body up to his. The ship would be landing within a few hours, and you wanted to spend every second of it as close to him as you could.

It was now hours later, and you must have both dozed off. There was soft mumbling coming from Kylo making you wake up. Keeping your eyes shut you moved to try and feel his body which was slightly shaking next to yours.

“Ben?” he whispered out almost as if asking a question.

You frowned and blinked open your eyes to try and see him. It was too dark inside of the room and you could barely see him. He spoke the name again and you scrunched up your face in confusion.

Who was Ben? And why was Kylo dreaming about this person?

You felt a tug against your body and your eyes fluttered open even more. Feeling the harsh tug again, you looked down to see him gripping onto the dark sheets that were wrapped around you tightly. He was pulling against it as if he was trying to rip them apart, but he was still completely asleep.

“No,” he mumbled as he pulled harder.

Reaching out, you tried to free his strong grip, but you had no luck. He must be having a nightmare. Failing to pull his hand free, you pulled on his arm to try and wake him up.

“No, please,” he said a little louder this time.

Your heartbeat started to pick up as you realized that you might not be able to wake him up. And you were afraid of what would happen if he didn’t. It wasn’t like you were strong enough to break free from his grip, and he was completely out of it right now.

“Kylo,” you said loudly in an attempt to wake him up. “Kylo, wake up.”

His hand reached out to grab your wrist that had been holding onto him. His grip was tight, and it immediately hurt but you ignored the pain. You’d probably have bruises later.

“Kylo, please baby, you’re just dreaming,” you said louder as you pulled yourself away from him.

“No, please, no,” he said much louder this time and you felt the panic begin to set in.

He was drenched in sweat as he began to roll around in the bed keeping his extremely rough grip on your wrist. Tears of sadness and fear start to drip down your face as you watched him. He looked like he was in so much pain and you couldn’t do anything to help him.

“Kylo! Please!”

Fear was driving you now was you scrambled to get his sleeping body off of yours and away from him. He was unintentionally crushing his body on top of yours and strangling you in the sheets. It seemed like he would never let you go. Tears were pouring down his cheeks now as he kept yelling. He just kept begging no and asking please.

It broke your heart.

You finally managed to wiggle from his grip and your naked body fell to the hard ground with a thump. Kylo kept thrashing around in the bed yelling and crying. You didn’t know what to do. Standing up quickly, you tried to grab his arm to calm him down.

What were you supposed to do?

Nothing was working. You eventually sunk to the floor in defeat as you curled up in a ball and watched in horror as his nightmare continued. It felt like it went on for ages and you felt like you were being torn apart.

After a little while, his screams turned into whimpers and his cries turned into choked breaths. Standing up hesitantly, you moved back to the bed to find him lying there with his eyes open and bloodshot. His eyes connected with yours and his eyes filled with tears again.

You quickly crawled on top of him and wrapped your arms around him tightly. He hugged you back and tucked his head into your body.

“I’m so weak,” he said softly.

Shaking your head, you brushed away the wet tears from his cheeks, “No baby, that’s not true. You’re so strong.”

Kylo just shook his head at your words and looked at you with sad eyes, “I’m not. I’m an embarrassment. I’m not strong enough.”

“You're so much stronger than you think,” you said a little louder trying to make him understand.

He said nothing and just let you hold him as he held you back. His breathing eventually calmed down and his tears subsided. Your heart felt so conflicted and broken as you watched the man that you cared so deeply for completely shatter in front of you.

He always put on this hard exterior and acted as if nothing affected him. Acted like he was okay. When deep down, he clearly wasn’t. Something deep down was bothering him and making him question everything. You just hoped that one day he would tell you what it was. 

Kylo pulled his head back to look at you as a tear slipped down his cheek, “Please, don’t leave me.”

“I won’t,” you said as you felt tears well up in your eyes. “Never.”


	37. It Felt Like Home

A soft hum of music drifted through the air around you. Your mouth widened slightly as you stifled back a yawn of exhaustion.

Short moments passed before you found yourself bobbing your head along with the gentle beats that sounded in the room. The space was otherwise quiet as you sat up on a stool near a workbench in the back room of the medbay. The only other noise was coming from the sheet of paper as you scratched down the overflow of thoughts that were tumbling through your mind.

Your head was working on overtime as you tried to comprehend all that had happened.

The small sheet in front of you looked completely unorganized and now that you were examining it closer, you realized it really didn’t make much sense. Scrunching up your face, you stuck the pencil in your mouth as you frowned over the notes you’d written down. It mostly involved trying to understand the timeline of what had happened and why Kylo had woken up the way he had last night. His terror had kept your mind working at a million parsecs per minute and you were desperate to find out why it was bothering him so much.

Letting out a sigh of defeat, you dropped the pencil and slouched over until your elbows were resting on the counter. Cupping your face with your hands, you read over the sheet in front of you trying yet again to make sense of it, but your brain was too frazzled at the moment.

By the time the ship had landed earlier today, it had only been the midday. Kylo was still a little shaken up from the nightmare he had while the two of you were taking a nap. And even though he was acting like nothing had happened, you knew he was hiding something. He had insisted that he was fine and urged you to go check in with Elliot in the medbay. You had argued back and told him that you wanted to stay with him for the rest of the day to make sure he was okay, but he practically ran away from you once the two of you made it out of the ship. 

The other shuttles landed at about the same time yours had and troopers were walking around everywhere. To avoid the sea of them as you got off, you sighed and gave in to his request as you headed to your quarters to get some scrubs. Elliot probably didn’t actually need your help, but it was better than sitting alone with your endless speculations. 

When you dragged your sleep-deprived body into the bay, you were surprised at how quiet it was. Although, when you thought about it more, it made sense because most of the injured troops had already gotten the medical attention they needed on the shuttle ride back. It seemed like there weren’t any Generals that needed assistance either.

So, you decided to put yourself on cleaning duty so you could spiral in peace and not have to have conversations with anyone.

Elliot was quietly plugging away at his computer and he had given you a strained smile as you walked past his desk. Ignoring his weird attitude, you walked into the supplies closet and grabbed out the disinfectant and buckets before going into the surgery rooms to start wiping things down.

There were only medical droids in the rooms doing the same thing you were, so it was calming. But it also allowed for your mind to wander.

You wished that Kylo wanted to talk about what had happened. But he shut you out almost immediately after his little episode had ended. Your attempt to persuade him otherwise fell on deaf ears as he urged to you that he was fine and didn't want to talk about it. The two of you just stayed curled up with one another under the sheets instead until the ship was close to landing.

Getting dressed in silence, you held his hand patiently as you waited for the ship to land. He was quiet, completely avoiding eye contact, yet he kept a tight grip on your hand.

As the ship shook and finally landed on the Finalizer, you released his hand and pulled him down so his face was in front of yours. A surprised grunt left him as you held his face in your hands. Your thumbs rubbed back and forth across his cheeks as you stared into his caramel eyes.

You’d never seen so much conflict and pain in them before. He looked back at you with so much raw emotion that you didn’t know what to say. So instead you pulled him closer and pressed your lips softly against his. His lips didn’t move at first, until they did, and his hands reached up to hold onto your wrists softly keeping you there.

The moment was over too soon, and he pulled your hands away and broke off the kiss. Sliding his helmet on over his head, the ramp lowered, and he started his descent down to the busy platform below.

“Commander Ren,” you had called out after him.

He stopped hesitantly before turning around to face you. His whole body looked tense and tired and you longed to be back in the bed curled up next to him stroking his hair and keeping him close. Even with his mask and full uniform on, you knew he was simply exhausted and needed a break, not that he would ever take one.

“Yes?” he asked as he took a step towards you.

You had grabbed the bag at your feet and stepped down the ramp until you were standing next to him, “Can, um, well can I...”

Suddenly nervous, you realized the two of you had never reestablished what was happening or what the two of you wanted. Were you two back to seeing each other regularly? Did he even want to see you? Would he let you stay in his-

Before you had the chance to finish your thought, he nodded, “Yes, come to my quarters later.”

A smile of relief spread over your face but vanished just a fast as he turned around and left you standing there dumbfounded.

Biting your lip now, you frowned thinking back to it. He was shutting you out, but not all the way since he still at least wanted to see you tonight. You wished you could go see Madison and ask her what she thought you should do. Or maybe you could go see-

“Hey, what are you doing?”

Speaking of the sneaky devil.

The bright voice startled you so much that you nearly fell off of the stool. Turning your head around, you saw Max standing across the room with an amused look on his face like he’d caught you red-handed doing something illegal. Your mind had been so preoccupied that you hadn’t even noticed him coming into the room.

“Nothing,” you mumbled trying to subtly hide the piece of paper in front of you.

Max just gave you a wicked smile before he strode over towards you and sneakily bent over to snatch the paper out of your hands. Jumping up from your seat, you reached towards him in an attempt to grab the paper back, but he was much taller than you and he held it out of your reach.

“Give it back, Max,” you said with a frown as you wrapped your hand around his wrist to try and pull it downwards.

“Gone for days and this is how you say hello to me?” he asked you with a laugh.

You grumbled, “Yes, hi, now can I have it back?”

He shook his head and held out his arms wide waiting expectantly. You just chuckled and ran to him nearly tackling him to the ground with force as you hugged him back fiercely. His long arms wrapped around you as he lifted you off the ground and held you close.

Your fingers dug into his uniform and you closed your eyes relishing in the feeling of having him near you. It felt like you hadn’t seen him in forever and you truly did miss him. When was the last time the two of you had spent time together? When was the last time you talked to him about anything but yourself?

Feeling guilty, you loosened your grip slightly and he set you back down on the ground. He handed the piece of paper back to you and sat down on the stool next to the one you’d been in. Climbing to sit next to him, you turned and looked at him. His normally bright happy eyes were instead tired and were now beginning to look glossy.

“Hey baby, don’t cry. What’s wrong?” you asked with concern as you reached out to grab his hand.

He shook his head and reached up to wipe a tear away that had escaped down his cheek. A pang of emotion went through you seeing him like this. He was never one to get upset like this and you instantly got nervous. What if something bad had happened while you were gone? 

Or maybe it was something from even before that, but you were too blinded with your own problems that you forgot to ask him about his. 

“It’s nothing really,” Max said quietly as he leaned in to rest his head on your shoulder. “It’s stupid.”

“No, your feelings are never stupid. What’s going on?”

He just shook his head as he nuzzled into your neck, “I’m just overreacting.”

“Max…”

“I just missed you,” he replied softly as he reached up to pull you into a hug.

A sigh left you and you felt tears well up in your eyes as you held him close to you. It hadn’t hit you until now how much you missed him as well. Back on Starkiller, you used to spend every second that you could with him. He was your best friend and he still was.

“I’m sorry I’ve been neglecting you-”

He lifted his head up to give you a frown, “You weren’t neglecting me. You were going through a lot of things and-”

“But I shut you out when I shouldn’t have.”

“I just miss my best friend.”

That’s when the tears slipped down your cheeks and you held back a sob, “I’m so sorry.”

“Hey,” Max lifted your head up so he could look into your eyes. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

You bit your lip in an attempt to stop the tears, but it didn’t help. Using the pads of his thumbs, he wiped away your tears and kissed your forehead. Just as he leaned away the door of the room swung open and you turned to see Elliot standing there with a blank expression.

He surveyed the two of you and how you were positioned before saying, “If you’re done cleaning, you can leave for the day. I don’t need you here.”

Shock spread across your face as you opened your mouth to respond but he left as soon as he’d entered. Turning to look at Max for an explanation, he just shook his head with an eyeroll.

“He’s been acting weird for a while now. I don’t know what’s wrong with him.”

“Have you asked him about it?”

“Of course, but he always says things are fine when they clearly aren’t.”

Scrunching up your face you leaned against the counter in thought, “He doesn’t, like he doesn’t think that something is going on between us, right?” you asked while gesturing in between the two of you.

“Oh, gods no honey, he knows I’m gay as fuck.”

You laughed as he leaned down next to you on the counter, “So, then what is it?”

Max shrugged as he slouched down further until his arms were flat against the tabletop and he rested his head on them, “I don’t know honestly. If it goes on for much longer, I don’t know if I can stay with him.”

“Do you not want to be with him?”

“No, it’s not that. I think I’m in love with him. It's just...”

Your eyes widened and you sat up with excitement, “Oh shit, really?”

A bashful grin fell over his face as he nodded back to you, “Yeah. He may be an asshole sometimes, but he’s my asshole.”

“Okay, that just sounds weird.”

“Why? Because when we have sex, we fuck each other’s-”

“Stop, stop, stop,” you said holding a hand up. “I don’t want to think about you and my boss having sex.”

“Why? You make me think about you and the Commander-”

“Okay, okay, fine, I get it. Point made.”

He just laughed and sat back up straight and stretched his arms out above him, "He's just been working more and coming back later. It feels like I don't know him anymore. But I'm dumb and fell in love with the bastard, so I can't just give up."

"I know how you feel."

Max's eyes widened at your words, "Holy shit."

Shaking your head quickly, you blushed as you looked at him, "No, it's not like that. I don't love him."

He just laughed in amusement clearly not convinced of your lie but didn't want to push it further. Looking around the sparkling clean room, he focused his gaze back onto the piece of paper you were clutching in your hand. You knew he wanted to ask what was on it, but you truly didn’t think you could explain it to him if you wanted to.

Because you didn’t even know what it meant.

Who was Ben? You’d never heard that name before, especially not from Kylo. Was it an old friend? Maybe someone that he had lost? You knew how hard it was to lose someone you loved. He knew how hard losing Kori was for you, so you wished he’d open up and tell you what was going on.

Letting out a heavy sigh, you unfolded the paper and set it flat in front of Max. He glanced at you as if asking for permission and you nodded in approval. He lightly grabbed the paper and held it up to read it better. His dark eyes darted across the page reading all of your scribbled notes.

Standing up from the stool, you began to pace around the room putting away the instruments that you had just deeply cleaned. After you put them all back in their rightful spots in cabinets and drawers, you turned to look up at Max’s confused face.

“So, who is Ben?”

You shrugged your shoulders in defeat as you leaned against a counter across the room. Folding your arms across your chest you sighed, “I don’t know. That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out.”

“And he’s never said anything about this guy before?”

Your head shook in response as you fiddled with the strings that tightened your scrub bottoms. Suddenly feeling antsy, you walked around the room in thought to try and calm yourself down.

“I’ve never seen him like that before. He’s had nightmares, sure, but not like this. And I know my nightmares were bad once too, but his are like terrors.”

“That must have been so scary.”

“It was,” you replied faintly. “I felt so helpless. He was so lost in his head, I was scared.”

“Well, what happened when he finally woke up?”

“After I calmed him down, we just cuddled,” you replied with a shrug. “He was really torn up.”

Max closed his eyes and nodded as if deep in thought, “Do you think he’d tell you if you asked him about it?”

“Honestly, no, I don’t. He is really hesitant to tell me anything about his past.”

“What has he told you?”

You plopped back down into the stool and looked at him, “Just a little bit about his mother, not much though.”

He looked back to the note and glanced over the writing again as if the answer was going to leap off of the pages. You groaned and laid your head down on the counter and tried to hold back a yawn of exhaustion.

After Kylo had woken you up from your nap, you didn’t fall back asleep as he held you to him. You weren’t even sure if he had fallen asleep, but his breathing had finally slowed down. As much as you tried to hide it from him, you had been scared for him. You didn’t want him to go through this type of pain and heartbreak again. Whatever was making him upset, was really taking a toll on him.

You just hoped you could figure out what it was in time before it happened again.

“Have you thought about looking this name up on the ship’s information database?”

You sat up in alarm at the idea and widened your eyes, “I couldn’t.”

Max raised his eyebrows suggestively, “Well, you could…”

“No, I can’t betray his trust like that. I’d rather hear him tell it to me by himself.”

He responded with a disappointed sigh as got off of his stool and began walking away, “Fine, suit yourself. That just means you’ll never find out who this Ben guy is.”

“That’s fine with me.”

He hummed, “Yeah, mmhmm, sure.”

Grabbing the note, you folded it back up and stuck it in your pocket, and followed behind him as he headed towards the door. He pushed it open and you walked with him back through the hallway. As the two of you passed Elliot’s office, Max didn’t even stop he just kept walking towards the exit. You nodded a goodbye to him as you followed behind your best friend and into the crowded hallway.

“Do you want to get dinner?” you asked him as the two of you headed in that direction.

“I’m not really feeling it, honestly,” Max said as he grabbed your hand. “I think I’m just going to go lie down.”

“Okay, that’s fine. Another time?”

“Definitely.”

The two of you walked in silence for a bit until you reached the door that led to Elliot’s quarters and Max stopped to turn to you. He looked tired and you hoped he would actually go and get some much needed sleep.

“Alright, I’ll see you later,” you said as you moved towards him to give a hug.

“I’ll see you, babes,” he replied hugging you back.

As you pulled away and started walking away from him, he called out your name making you turn around and look at him. The hatch to the room was already open and just his head was sticking out to yell to you.

“If you were wondering, all you need to do is say that you’re looking up information about a patient. The tech guys will give you all of the info you need.”

Before you could respond, he disappeared from view and the hatch shut behind him. Frowning, you just shook your head as you walked down the hallway deep in thought.

Were you really going to hack into the security system only to look up a name? Would that even get you anywhere? You didn’t even have a last name to go along with it. There were hundreds of thousands of employees that worked for the First Order, how would you ever find this person? And even if you did, it’s not like you’d be able to know what happened between him and Kylo.

Your feet had finally brought you outside of the Commander’s quarters and the hatch flew open to allow you to enter. Stepping into the familiar space, you let out a breath of relief. It looked the exact same and you had missed being in here.

It had felt like ages since you’d last been in this space. Now that you were thinking about it, when was the last time you’d been in here? 

When things had gone sour between the two of you, he’d broken off things when you were in your own quarters. It was all the way back when your wrist was hurt, which all felt like a lifetime ago.

Kicking off your shoes near the entrance, you headed towards his bedroom to change into comfy clothing. You knew you should probably shower, but you wanted to wait until he got back so you could shower with him.

Flinging your scrubs off and onto the floor, you pulled out a sweater from the closet and slipped the oversized piece of clothing over your head. It brought you instant warmth and the scent of it immediately soothed your worries. Paddling your feet across the floor, you got to the perfectly made bed and pulled back the covers. Sliding into the silk sheets felt heavenly and you shut your eyes in response.

It felt safe.

Exhaustion crept over you and your body was quickly asleep. Hours passed before your body awoke to hear the quiet step of boots through the hallway outside of the bedroom. Rubbing the sleep out of your eyes, you blinked and looked towards the door to see an exhausted Kylo standing in the doorway holding onto his helmet with one hand.

Without saying a word, you peeled the sheets back and opened up your arms groggily. A hint of a smile came over his face as he started to shrug off his clothing. By the time he got to the bed, he had nearly everything off.

Climbing into the bed, he hovered over your body and held up a gloved finger to your face. Making direct eye contact with him, you licked your lips before opening your mouth and biting down on the end of the glove. Pulling his hand away, the glove fell off of his hand and he smirked lightly. He did the same with the other before falling into the bed on top of you.

Nuzzling his head in between your breasts, he let out a sigh and you saw his eyes flutter closed. You knew he must be just as utterly exhausted as you were. Your hands immediately flew to his head and you began to run your fingers through it. A low groan left him as you kept up your slow movements. Kylo’s hands were wrapped around your body as he kept his on you.

“That feels good, baby,” he said softly with a hum at your movements.

“Rough day?” you asked him gently as you continued feeling his silky hair.

“You have no idea,” he replied with a huff.

“Do you want to talk about it?” you asked hoping that he might actually say yes.

He shook his head as he leaned upwards to rest his weight on his elbows. His eyes connected with yours again and you were in awe at the sight of him.

The fatigue was evident, but so was his beauty. The light from the stars through the windows glowed across his skin highlighting his strong facial structure. The shadows in the room only intensified the harsh angles and you reached your hands up to cup his face.

“Come here,” you said so quietly it was nearly a whisper.

He obliged and leaned over until his nose connected with yours. Resting his forehead against yours, he let out a deep sigh and tightened his grip around you.

Following the same action that you had done earlier today; you rubbed your thumbs over his cheeks before tilting your head up to kiss him. His lips were soft and hesitant against yours. After a few moments, he moaned tenderly and deepened the kiss. You followed his actions and opened your mouth to him, and he didn’t disappoint when his tongue touched yours.

The two of you had kissed earlier when you were on the ship together, but this was nothing like that time. That time had been rushed and heated and amazing.

But this, this was something different.

It was like the two of you were pouring out emotions to each other that you couldn’t otherwise say out loud. Like you were communicating in the only way you knew how.

Kylo flipped over so you were now on top of him straddling his lap. He was only wearing briefs and you only had on one of his large sweaters and you loved getting to feel his body beneath yours. The kiss became more intense, but not enough where you felt like you needed to do more.

You just wanted to be close to him.

He felt so good and solid and strong. His large hands were moving up and down your back in slow methodical strokes. Your hands were tangled in his hair as you hugged your body to his.

Pulling away for a breath, you rested your forehead against him and shut your eyes. The two of you were breathing heavily and you opened your eyes back up to gaze into his. He looked slightly more at ease and a small smile fell over his face.

“Can we go to sleep now, baby?” he asked in a whisper. 

You nodded and pulled the sheets over the two of you and settled into him. His arms were wrapped around your body and your hands stayed knotted in his hair. His legs were tangled up with yours. His face was practically in your chest, but you didn’t mind.

It felt peaceful, it felt comforting, it felt warm.

It felt like home.


	38. Already Been Hurt

Inhaling deeply, you wheezed out a heavy exhale of hot breath and your body shook from the effort. Keeping your defensive stance, you blinked rapidly in an attempt to try and keep sweat from dripping into your bloodshot eyes.

You really needed to have clear vision right now. Needed to have a good view of what was in front of you. Otherwise, you’d probably never hear the end of it.

It felt like this had been going for hours and your body was now starting to give up on you. Like you were finally waving your white flag and calling for a cease-fire. Like you were a balloon full of air that was leaking out the only thing that was keeping you together.

“Again.”

A low whine left you as the words you had heard all day continuously echoed throughout your mind. When was it going to be enough? When would you get to stop? When would this be over?

Pulling your right arm back behind your aching body with as much strength as you could muster, you launched it forwards and watched it land into the stiff foam shield. Your clenched fist bounced back at you with as much force as you had exerted toward it. Wincing in slight pain, you used your left hand to swing up beneath you and landed it directly into the middle of the foam in a swift uppercut.

Scrambling through your jumbled brain, you tried to remember all of the moves you had been taught and had gone over time and time again. To make it all easier on yourself, you had developed a pattern of the moves to help keep things in order. Sometimes you only used your arms in the exercise and punched away. Other times, you used the power of your leg to swing up and kick into your target to give your arms a bit of a break.

Repeating these motions by alternating between your arms and legs, you were able to keep up a relatively steady pace. It was absolutely exhausting, and you could feel your form starting to drift away from what you had been taught. Your muscles felt like rubber as you mindlessly followed through the given commands over and over.

Allowing both of your arms to drop to your sides, you inhaled a shallow shaky breath trying to inhale more air. It was like your lungs were screaming at you to stop what you were doing and slow down. This felt like being tortured, except this torture was supposed to somehow help you protect yourself in the future when you were thrown into another battle.

Right, because when a blaster is shot at you, throwing a fist towards it was going to be super helpful.

“Again.”

This brought on a spike of adrenaline that had been beneath you and you wound your leg up and kicked it outward harder than you had before. Your arms were nearly shaking at this point as you used each of your fists to drive them directly forward. It was taking a great effort at this point and with each hit, a grunt of pain left your body.

“Concentrate, you need to focus your energy.”

You rolled your eyes and groaned out as you let out a frustrated breath of hot air, “We’ve been at this forever. I can’t keep going anymore. This is just a waste of time and energy at this point.”

Jonah raised his eyebrows at your snarky comment as he stepped away from you slightly and held the shield in front of his torso with a tighter grip as if challenging you. Unlike your current state, he looked both relaxed and calm while you were furiously sweating and were fighting to stand upright.

“That’s how you improve, with repetition,” he said with a slight hint of annoyance in his voice. “We need to keep going.”

Your jaw fell open and you let a hand rest on your hip as you spoke, “We? I think you mean me,” you replied in a snap. “I think I’ve mastered how to punch a foam square that’s placed directly in front of me. When can we get back to using weapons and, I don’t know, actually learning skills that will help me not get killed?”

He sighed and tucked the shield up and under his arm looking more irritated, “Look, you need to go back to the basics. Based on what you told me about your last few missions, you still freeze up in the moment when you needed to paying attention.”

“No, I don’t. It was just that one time-”

“You do it more than you think,” he said leaning into his hip as he talked to you. “It happens in training too. You’re constantly distracted by something.”

Shaking your head quickly, you held up a hand to stop him, “That’s not true,” you replied. He tilted his head to the side and you quickly said, “Okay, maybe sometimes. But I don’t think that calls for me needing to do this exercise anymore.”

Jonah took a moment before he simply rolled his eyes in defeat and walked over to the nearby metal table against the wall of the training center that held your water bottles on it. Setting down what he was holding, he grabbed for his bottle and began to unscrew the lid gesturing for you to do the same. Appreciating the brief break from his nagging, you jogged after him and greedily drank the remaining contents of your bottle. The instant the cold water hit your throat, it felt euphoric. Nothing had ever tasted so sweet.

Looking over at you, he sighed, “Okay, break time is over. We need to get back to work.”

Leaning your head back dramatically, you pouted, “But I’m tired and my arms feel like soup.”

That got a chuckle out of him and he walked away from you over to an even larger table with various weapons laid out over it. With a dramatic slouch, you set down your bottle after screwing the cap back on and walked over to him with slow steps. Folding your arms in front of you, your eyes drifted over the various items set out.

Most of them you had already used and understood their purpose. Others were far too big and complicated for you to even try to understand and you were fine with that. It would probably be cool to use them at some point, but you would probably end up hurting yourself, or someone else.

“Since you called it quits with the boxing, what do you want to train with?”

You bit your lip in thought as you examined everything. A frown fell across your lips after a few moments because nothing was sparking your interest. There were fencing swords, long batons, punching gloves, spears, ropes, knives, and various other small things scattered around. Most were well-loved and had never left the bright lights of the training room. Starting to feel bored with your choices, you decided to just give up and return back to boxing, and then you saw it as your body rotated away from the table.

Up in the far corner of the table under a pile of other hand-held weapons, it just sat there waiting to be used.

It was a rusty looking handle that looked like it had been through hell and back and then maybe back again. There were some intricate designs on the sides and on both the top and bottom of the weapon. It had one small button towards the top that you knew would bring the thing to life. 

Curiosity got the better of you and your feet began bringing your body towards the weapon. You knew what it was, but you couldn’t be sure unless you tried it out for yourself. You’d only ever seen them in action before, but you had never held one. Just seeing it so close to being held in your grip brought a surge of excitement through you that you’d never felt before.

The item held so much power. It could bring so much pain and destruction.

And yet, it was beautiful. 

The way the handle was so delicate and was able to tell a story without needing a storyteller to say it out loud was fascinating. It was complicated and scary, and yet, you couldn’t look away from it.

The irony and similarities of this wasn’t lost on you as your mind connected these thoughts to how you viewed Kylo. So many people thought such horrible things of him and couldn’t see past his outermost tough layer. He really wasn’t that much different from this weapon. They both had the same power to create such evil, and yet they both had something delicate and precious being hidden beneath layers of hardness and grief.

Under all of his protective shields that he had spent years building up was a good man, even if he couldn’t see it for himself, you could.

Without thinking it over any longer, you reached out for the handle and felt the cold metal against your trembling hands. It was heavier than you anticipated, and you tilted it from side to side trying to get a feel of it. You could feel Jonah’s eyes watching your every move, but he stayed silent and just observed.

“Jonah,” you began turning towards him as you looked into his eyes. “How and why do you have one of these?”

He shrugged his shoulders casually feigning innocence and walked over to stand next to you. His large hands reached out to take the weapon from you to examine it better. With hesitation, you released it from your grip so he could take it. Once he got his hands on it, he lifted up the edge of his shirt and tried to rub away some of the rust and grime covering the handle. With some of the residue removed, you could see the beautiful metalwork on the sides more clearly.

The patterns looked slightly outdated making you guess that this weapon had to be over 10 years old. Scrunching up your face in thought, you grabbed it back from him and brought it closer to your eyes to examine it.

“So,” you said slowly as you made eye contact with Jonah. “Are you going to tell me how you got this? It’s not like anyone can just get one of these in any old street market.”

“It’s not mine,” Jonah replied quickly avoiding your eyes as he looked back at the weapon-filled table.

“Well, then explain to me how you have it. Only Jedi’s can have these and-”

He interrupted you quickly, “That’s not true.” Opening your mouth to argue, he beat you to the punch, “Commander Ren has one.”

“Oh,” you said with a flush of embarrassment. “I didn’t even think of that. His looks so different from this one.”

Perking his head up at this, he made you hold the handle a little differently, “Actually, it’s very similar.”

His hand moved yours until your thumb was hovering over the button near the top. Whipping your head to look at him, he just smiled and nodded slowly.

“I don’t think that I’m ready to-”

“I’m right here, it won’t hurt you. Just try it.”

Taking in a large gulp of air, you held the handle firmly and planted your feet on the ground. Exhaling, you pressed down on the bottom and braced yourself for it to kick you with its power. A burst and crackle of blue fiery light spit out of the end of the handle making you jump in surprise. It snapped furiously at you with uncontained heat and you tried to hold it as still as you possibly could and you took in the magnificent sight.

Holy fucking hell, you were holding a lightsaber.

An unexplainable sense of joy passed through you as your grip tightened around its handle. It was vibrating and you fought to keep the long blade upwards. You wanted to move around and try to use it, but you didn’t know where to start without accidentally slicing your arm off.

“How do you feel?” Jonah asked as he watched the bright blade spark between the two of you.

You sighed out a breath that felt like a relief, “Um, in control, I guess.”

He hummed a response of agreement and moved towards the table flitting his eyes around at the weapons. His eyes landed on a metal sword and he grabbed the handle of it before lifting it up and pointing it towards you.

“Jonah, what are you doing?” you asked in a shaky voice as he took a step towards you, and the blue light of the saber cascaded over him. 

“Challenging you to a duel, of course,” he said simply as if it was obvious.

“What? No, absolutely not,” you replied quickly as you moved to shut off the saber.

Taking another step towards you, he held his sword at the ready as if asking you again for a battle. Shaking your head, you took a step backward avoiding his advancements. You had no idea what you were doing with a lightsaber. Sure, you had practiced with other types of swords before, but you didn’t know the first things about swinging around a blade that had the power to destroy things so easily.

“I can’t.”

“Why not? You are strong enough to use it. Don't underestimate yourself.”

You shook your head, “No, I’ve already been hurt by one of these,” you replied softly as you moved to shut off the blade.

With a sharp crack, the blade silenced, and the burning blue light became extinguished. Reaching up your hand instinctively, you rubbed your thumb across your healed burn mark on your neck where another blade had scalded you months before.

So much had changed since then.

It felt like centuries ago when the night had happened. The night you traveled to this very ship with Kylo after you had nearly just met him. A shudder ran through you as the memories of seeing Starkiller Base firing towards those planets flashed through your mind. You remembered the horror as if it had happened yesterday. 

How you’d destroyed an entire room in the medbay and woke up to a furious Commander Ren holding a sparkling red saber to your throat. You remembered the hot heat as it burned into your skin and the excruciating pain it caused. 

Jonah’s words brought you back to the present as he asked, “Who did it? The Commander?” There was worry etched into his face as he lowered his sword and took a step towards you.

“Oh, it was nothing. It was a long time ago,” you mumbled in return avoiding his eyes.

He didn’t look convinced by your words but he decided to not push you on it as he set the weapon back down on the table. Folding his arms over his chest he let out a big sigh, “I don’t know where the weapon came from. Countless people in the First Order have trained in here over the years. The saber could have belonged to anyone, I suppose.” 

“But it’s blue, who would have picked that for a lightsaber color? Isn’t red kind of our thing around here?”

He laughed, “Yeah, I guess so. I hadn’t really thought of that before.” With a shrug he walked over towards you, “Does it have a name on it anywhere? I’ve never thought to look.”

Shrugging your shoulders, you squinted to examine it and moved it around to try and look for a name in the light. You spotted some messy writing on the bottom of the saber’s handle and you tilted it downwards so you could read the scratched-in marks better. Rubbing off some of the grime that covered it with your sleeve, you could make out only 4 letters.

SOLO

“Well, who’s is it?”

You shrugged, “I don’t know. No one that I know.”

Jonah grabbed it from you and stared at the letters, “Solo? Who is that?”

Just as soon as the words left his mouth, the doors to the training center flew open making the both of you jump. Your heads moved in sync as you looked up to see who was standing in the doorway.

Your eyes connected immediately with the expressionless black helmet of the Commander who was standing perfectly still in the doorway. Feeling like a kid who had just gotten caught stealing, you threw the saber onto the table and stood up straighter pretending you hadn’t just been seen holding anything dangerous. With swift heavy steps, he moved towards the two of you to where you stood in the back of the room with his black cape flying out behind him. Jonah was a stiff as a board as Kylo came closer and you fought back the sudden urge to roll your eyes.

Why was he coming in to check on you during your training? He had told you earlier that his day was so busy you wouldn’t be able to see him until a few hours after you ate dinner. Did he not trust you in here with Jonah alone? Crossing your arms over your chest, you blew out a heavy sigh as he came to a stop a few feet in front of you.

Looking between the two of you, Kylo clenched and unclenched his fists as if he was deciding what to say out loud. You knew he was probably upset about something, but you weren’t about to start a conversation with him about it in front of an audience.

“What can I do for you, Commander Ren?” Jonah asked calmly with his hands folded behind his back.

“You are dismissed,” Kylo replied coolly with a quick nod towards him.

Jonah’s eyes widened at the command, but he quickly did a small bow before grabbing his things and leaving the room. Once he left the training center, your eyes went straight to the helmet with a questioning glare.

“Was that necessary?”

“What were you doing with that saber?” he replied as he moved to stand right in front of you.

“What were you doing spying on me?” you said back with a smirk.

A low chuckle left him, and he reached out to wrap an arm around your waist and pull you to him. Your arms instinctively wrapped around him and you tucked your head into his chest closing your eyes at the comfort of having him close.

A sense of warmth washed over you and your slight annoyance at his disruption quickly vanished as soon as it had appeared. It felt nice to have him near you after such a tiring day.

“I missed you,” you said softly as you traced the stitching on his dark clothing and listened to his heart beating loudly in his chest.

His arms tightened around you pulling your body closer to his, “I missed you too,” he replied.

Tilting your chin up to look at him, you frowned, “Can you take your mask off?”

“No, what if someone comes in?”

“I don’t know. Can’t you sense when someone is close to the door?”

Kylo paused before nodding at your words and he released his hold on you. Lifting his hands up, he gripped the bottom of his helmet and the shiny silver front plate slid upwards and a hiss sounded out as it detached from his head.

A mess of long black hair fell out of it as his perfectly sculpted face was revealed to you. Without waiting, you yanked his head down so you could connect your lips to his. A surprised noise left him as he kissed you back gently.

Breaking away from you, he kissed your nose before he asked, “What was that for?”

“What? I can’t kiss you when I want to?”

He laughed and shook his head, “No, please kiss me whenever you want. I won’t complain.”

Kissing him again, you grabbed his face softly and ran your thumb over his lips as you moved your face away. Puckering his lips, he kissed your thumb before grabbing your entire hand to kiss each individual finger making you blush. 

“There’s that cute red blush I’ve missed so much,” he said quietly as he ran a gloved finger over your burning cheeks. He blinked slowly staring deeply into your eyes, "My Red."

You bit your lip and tucked your head back into his chest to avoid his intense gaze. It felt like a million butterflies had just burst inside of your body. You didn't think you'd ever get used to him saying or doing sweet things like that out of the blue. 

As he moved away to set his helmet down, he hesitated and stared at what was laid out before him. You turned your head to see what he was staring at on the table full of old weapons. Before you could open your mouth to ask him, Kylo had extended his arm to make the saber fly up from the table and into his hand. Turning back to you with a blank face, he held it out to you.

“What do you want me to do with this?” you asked slowly as you looked up for some indication in his facial expression.

“Do you know how to use it?”

You shook your head slowly as you eyed the handle. It didn’t look nearly as scary as it sat in the palm of such a big hand. You realized that it looked rather small when he held it in his gloved hand compared to when it was in your much smaller hand.

“Do you want me to teach you how to properly use it?”

You snapped your head up, “I don’t know Kylo, I could hurt you or myself. I don’t think that-”

He grabbed your hand to silence you and wrapped it around the handle before you had the chance to finish your thought. Keeping his hand gripped around your own, he moved to stand behind you. His wide chest was pressed into your back and you shuddered out a breath at his closeness.

His right hand was enclosed around yours and his left gripped your hip to keep you square and aligned with his body. Slowly, he moved your thumb until it was on the button to release the blade. Inhaling a breath, you pushed down on it and the blue light burst to life yet again. The power of it made your body shake slightly but having Kylo’s large frame behind you helped to keep you steady.

The grip over your hand was still there as he slowly started to move the saber around. As the blade moved through the air, the familiar noise filled your ears as it had so many times before when you followed Kylo into battle.

The blade was beautiful as you moved it with Kylo guiding your movements. Tightening his grip on your hip, he urged you to take a step forward. You hesitantly obeyed, and as your body moved, he helped to swing the saber into a sort of slicing motion. Within minutes, you were moving the blade through the air as easily as if it was any other sword you had used in the past.

The two of you did this multiple times allowing you to get used to moving your body and the saber at the same time. Taking another step forward, you suddenly realized that he was no longer standing behind you. Turning around slowly while holding the blade upright, you saw Kylo standing there with a smile on his face.

“Well done, baby,” he said with pride as he watched you.

“I feel powerful.”

“You are.”

You blushed as you gently moved your thumb to extinguish the blue light. It shuddered and the room was quiet once again.

“Maybe someday you can teach me how to fight with it.”

Walking towards you with a slight saunter, he gave you a smirk, “Why’s that?”

“So that I can be helpful in battles, duh.”

He just shook his head once he reached you, “That will be very far away in the future.”

You gasped dramatically making him smirk wider, “That’s mean. I’m not that bad.”

“I know you aren’t,” he replied wrapping his arms around you again. “But you definitely need more practice if you are ever going to leave this room with that.”

Snuggling into his grip, you let out a yawn, “I’m so tired. We should just shower and get to bed.”

“Works for me,” he said as he left a kiss on your head. "As long as we get to eat something at some point."

You nodded as you walked back over to the table. Noticing the bottom of the saber again, you paused your movements. Frowning, you wondered if maybe he knew who this person was since it was a lightsaber after all. Turning around to face him, you saw that he had already grabbed his helmet and was walking towards the other table where your water bottle sat.

You spoke up, “Hey, this saber belonged to someone.” Kylo stopped moving immediately at your words and his whole body tensed up as you said, “There’s a name scratched in on the bottom of it .”

There was a long pause of silence before he replied, “I know.”

“Oh, you knew them?” you asked with curiosity. "Solo something?"

“Yes, I knew him,” he replied softly with his back still facing you. “I actually knew him very well.”

“Where is he now? What happened?”

He stood there as if deciding what to say back to you. His shoulders looked like they were trembling as he turned around and connected his eyes with yours. You gasped in complete surprise as you realized that his eyes were damp with emotion.

“He’s dead. I killed him,” he choked out as a small tear escaped down his cheek. "I killed Solo, Ben Solo."


End file.
